Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Agree with harerunner, if you don't want to go for lunch then tell him.

I have eaten on first dates but only with a walk first, so that I had an 'out', after the walk, if I then didn't feel like sitting & eating with him!

I'm incredibly shy when I first meet somebody, so I usually just mention this in the messages beforehand. I've sometimes had comment like 'Wow, you really are shy aren't you' (Er, yeah, like I said!) Nerves before a date are normal, but it's horrible isn't it!

If he's ok with just a coffee then go, and just see how it goes.

If you're nervous about what to say then prep some general conversation starters beforehand that aren't heavy but give an idea of whether you're compatible, with an idea how you would carry on the conversation... like "did you go on holiday last year?", ready with where you went, what you enjoyed about it, and include something funny or odd that happened that might raise a smile or laugh.

My last reply was for mintmagnum

harerunner It would be more like an hour & a half to 2+ depending on traffic.

I think I've decided not to meet him.

@mintmagnum3

Its normal to be nervous don’t worry.

I think coffee/drinks is absolutely the normal first date and so just tell him that’s your preference. If he’s a decent bloke he’ll totally get it and agree. And maybe if it goes well you can move on for a bite to eat if it’s what you both want. If he pushes you to lunch knowing you’re not comfortable then it’s a red flag.

Good luck

@NervesOfCotton

I was going to say that the distance depends on the route.

I went on a couple of dates with a guy who lived 55 miles away. First date we met in a town inbetween us, then I drove up second date but it was a straightforward route, the same A road for 90% of the journey.

However someone in Kent or the other side of London could rule out a 30 mile journey due to the travel logistics.

@NervesOfCotton the guy I have been chatting too lives 1 hour 1/4 (50 miles) away. When we met for coffee we met in a town in the middle of us. This weekend he is coming to my town and if that goes well and we see each other again I will go to his next time.
Long term I can see it as being a pain if we want to see each other often but he doesn't work Fridays or weekends and I don't work Wednesdays or weekends so not impossible.
Such a shame that you finally got a decent conversation and he is so far away 💐

Went on a first date this morning. Quick coffee date to see if we clicked. It went well at first, we were chatting loads and lots of laughs and smiles but he started pretty much pawing at me towards the end and then when we went to kiss he shoved his tongue down my throat 😂

The kiss wasn’t great and I don’t know if I felt the spark with it. What do people think? Am I overthinking this? He’s a very touchy feely person and I did have to move his hand a couple of times. Apart from that I felt we got on really well.

He wants to see me again next week, I’m thinking it would be good to see him again and see what happens but I do have a feeling he’s going to be a man who will heavily try it on.

Yes, that would be too far for me.

The guy I'm seeing is just under an hour away, which isn't ideal, but doable. Anything much more than that and I'd would be progressing things.

@mintmagnum3 I don't really see a problem with lunch, basically I think about an hour to 1.5 hours is plenty for a first date and that's also enough for lunch. Met a guy for a coffee last week and because it was lunchtime we both had lunch, just a course and coffee.
I had brunch as well. I think if you say no to lunch it's almost like suggesting that you don't want to spend more than 40 minutes or you don't eat ! It depends on when you're meeting, if it's around lunchtime then it doesn't seem too much.

@harerunner too far for me. I have lots going on so wouldn't want to have to spend weekends only at his etc or him at mine, I like the idea that we can dip in and out of each others lives....

Not having a "spark" from a kiss wouldn't worry me on a first date if he was otherwise someone I want to meet again....It's dangerous relying on sparks too early on, as it can make you pass over guys who might be perfect, and where the sparks lights 2/3/4 dates in, and it can make you swoon over completely unsuitable guys where, just because you had some random brain synapses firing at the moment you kissed!

Anyway, i'm not surprised you didn't feel a spark if he did that! The pawing and over-familiarity are the issues here, not the lack of spark!

Anything much more than that and I'd would be progressing things.

I mean "wouldn't"

But you might not want to spend 40 minutes with him if he's a repulsive creep whose photos are 20 years old and he's 6 inches shorter than his profile says!

By declining lunch you're not implying that you don't want to spend 40 minutes with him, just that you can't know how long you want to spend until you meet him. If he's a decent guy who matches his profile, he won't have anything to worry about!

I don’t agree that saying no to lunch means either of those things. Personally, I think eating on a first date gets in way of the flow of chatting. I’ve only ever once had food as a first date and the drinks/coffee ones have lasted several hours (with only one exception). In fact one 2pm drinks only meet up lasted nearly 7 hours.

For me and hour and a half to include food would feel far too rushed.

I only ever agree to drinks/coffee as a first date - if it goes well then we can take it from there.

@JH20000

Sorry but sticking his tongue down my throat and pawing me on the first date would give me the absolute ick. I’d be thinking he was overly familiar and forward to be touching me like that first time we met.

If you like him, then go on another date but make sure he knows your boundaries.

@harerunner good point! I have met a few dullards but never anyone truly awful..
I suspect that's yet to come...

I unmatched with mine, it's just easier. I did send him a goodbye message but I'm not sure how it works on Bumble, if he'd get to see it or not. Otherwise I suppose he will think I'm awful for just disappearing!

Sigh. Onwards

I’m on a date in the morning - just coffee. It’s nice chat and he seems lovely but I’m going to just go and see how it goes. Im such a crap judge of character that I’m chatting to a variety of people ….!

I'm not sure how it works on bumble either. When I messaged a guy to say I was going to unmatch as didn't feel like we were right for each other I left the message and then unmatched about 12 hours later to hopefully give him time to see it!

2anddone I hope that he saw it but it's not like it will be a surprise for him (hopefully not, anyway) I just didn't want to get drawn back in to conversation about it.

@JH20000 reading your account of that date made me think your inner self was already raising concerns about him and you were trying to convince yourself otherwise. It was a first date. There are plenty of men out there. If you're already worried about him pushing boundaries, ditch him now, life is too short to waste time on dates where you're having to fend off a sex pest

Hope you match with someone you can chat to like that again soon...who lives a bit closer!
Have read a couple of people are meeting for coffee etc this weekend...hope it goes well

You’re right, I have a feeling he’d be a sex pest.

I wouldn’t mind a fling or casual dating/having some company as to be honest I don’t think I’m looking for anything too serious as I’m not in the headspace for that just yet. The problem is he seemed quite touchy feely and although I can be OK with that I don’t think I could cope if they were always like that.

I think I’d feel the same tbh. I think someone saying they’re tactile is a polite word for a groper who can’t keep their hands to themselves. I would definitely find wandering hands on a first date (and presumably in a public space) a bit creepy.

Should prob be a separate board topic, but - has anyone struggled getting over an ex, based on repeat disappointments from OD? My ex and I were on/off for almost two years… and STILL in contact. He made me feel really alive and seen after an almost 10 year emotionally abusive relationship with someone where I was basically ignored sexually and as a person really. However, he turned out to have his own issues and would fly off the handle out of the blue all the time, among other things, so it wasn’t a safe relationship either. Especially given I have a child, whom I would never introduce given the dynamics. But when he briefly met someone this time last year, I absolutely fell apart. And we still have intense feelings for each other but it just never works out. And with each OLD disappointment, I keep thinking maybe he’s not THAT bad and maybe should go back. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers! Feel I need a good talking to