Dating Thread 244

[SamW98]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Pipsickle3 that sounds exactly how it was for me when I started dating a particular person. The sporadic communication drove me potty and the whole situation felt relationship like, but wasn’t as I never knew where I stood.

Best advice I got from here, which was a hard pill to swallow, but if someone is interested you will know, you won’t need to second guess, they’ll show up, be consistent, be interested and won’t leave you scratching your head.

@Pipsickle3 I had this, it's awful, it completely fuelled my anxiety and made me fluctuate between very happy and a bit shit...and it just didn't bring out the best in me...you almost home to be not interested to not mind it...

So had a date with a very nice guy yesterday evening, but haven't heard from him today. I thought I would have done, feel flat about it as I thought we clicked and that's rare. He is new to OLD so I wonder if he is checking out options.... forgot how resilient you need to be with OLD...

@Livelifelaughter

Have you messaged him? I always message saying thank you for the date if I’m interested then leave the ball on their court to reply.

Has anyone tried Our time?

Bumble is full of dregs. I tried Muddy Matches and that was a complete waste of time and money. Few local men and without exception they all feel entitled to a woman 10-50 years younger than them. (That's not hype, a 74 year old looked at my profile and his age range for potential matches was 24-60).

@SamW98 ...so I wrote blah blah "just wanted you to know that I had such a lovely evening!".... that's it, didn't think I had to say "would be nice to see you again" - and not sure I would want to ask him out. He said as we left "that was a lovely evening"...

My personal experience is Ourtime was the absolute dregs. Appalling. Full of pasty faced pensioners in Hi- Viz staring dead eyed into the camera giving off Norman Bates vibes.

The ‘best’ offer I had on Ourtime was a man who was a dead ringer for Fat Bastard from Austin Powers asking if I was up for a no strings BDSM session - I had to reluctantly decline.

Honestly it was the biggest waste of time and money. I was getting messages from men in their late 70’s - I’m 55!!

So heard back from the guy I saw yesterday, that I thought was very nice. "I had a lovely evening, regards" .... Oh well. This is what I hate about app dating, I normally think I am quite good at working out dates and thought this was a really nice evening... quite an abrupt rejection. I even did my hair especially, nice dress, heels....

I finally have a decent chat going on Bumble. Woo-hoo

He seems lovely, the conversation is flowing nicely, he sent me a giff of a plane (not knowing that I'm terrified of flying!) So that's given us some laughs!

The 'but' is, he was listed as 8 miles & it's actually about 60. I'd have never normally spoken to somebody that far (he's travelling right now so distance thingy on Bumble was screwed up)

Little bit gutted about the distance but it doesn't seem to have phased him, he's suggested coming to see me when he's back from travelling & I've said maybe to that... Just see if we can keep the small talk going until then I suppose. (I hate small talk!)

I'm just enjoying the chat for now, as it's so rare lately!

Livelifelaughter Oof, that's a clear 'No thank you' isn't it. At least he hasn't strung things out but I hope you are ok? Save the dress & heels for the next one

For those of you using dating apps would you/have you swiped right for someone you know/used to know??
I have seen someone I used to know pop up a few times on an app. The reason I knew him was many years ago I cared for a relative of his. Would this be weird?? I remember him as a really nice person just got me wondering….

I would swipe right! As long as it's not unethical, and if you no longer care for his relative then it sounds like it's not, then why not go for it? You've got nothing to lose ☺️

@NervesOfCotton awww. I hate to be that person but please be careful you don’t set yourself up for disappointment. I started commenting here after accidentally matching with someone miles away… also got on amazingly, met twice with great success, I was taking it slow but equally felt bonded and like he might be IT after a month. Then the wheels started falling off and meeting became so hard and when pushed, he said the distance (2.5hrs) was insurmountable. Despite us discussing it throughout. So… I know all situations are different, but protect your heart!

Regards - sounds like he’s signing off a work email ffs. Quite rude imo

Shame when you liked him but he’s shown he’s not a good one by that message.

@NervesOfCotton

Glad to hear you’re enjoying the chat but I echo the above and just say tread carefully.

The first guy I ever struck up a good online chat with lived a distance away and came here for work a few times a year but by the time we were due to meet it fizzled right out.

Distance works for some - one of my close mates lives 2.5 hours from her partner and they’ve been going strong 3 years - but it’s not for everyone.

Thanks SamW & RosieAway. We had a chat about the distance this morning. He said that whilst 60 miles isn't far for him, because he travels all over, he understands that it's far for me because of my circumstances. He thanked me for my honesty & said he'd still love to meet when he gets back, even just to see if anythings 'there', but that he will respect my decision if I don't want to.

Sometimes, it's harder when they seem like a nice guy isn't it. It would be so much easier to say 'No, due to distance' if he came across as a twat

@NervesOfCotton he does sound nice! And yes that only makes it harder. Mine had said much the same, made a huge effort to meet me at first to see if anything was there - and then when there clearly was, said it was a shame we weren’t repulsed by each other given the distance! I thought it was my issue, but then it switched to his. But I think mine was avoidant and looking for excuses. Good luck!

@SamW98 thank you! I felt it was quite rude. I know it's a bit trite, but most people do say something along the lines of " very nice to meet you, enjoyed etc but ... don't feel we clicked/spark/looking for different things..wish you all the best".

At the end of the day, you've met chatted for a few hours and told each other a bit about your lives, I think if you have honestly had no connection that's one thing and a message isn't needed, but he left the date saying " I had a really lovely evening " ...
What annoys me is the disappointment.

@Livelifelaughter I feel disappointed for you. What a weird response from him. IME unless you’re explicitly arranging/saying you want to meet again at the end of the first date, any ambiguity is basically a no. Oh, and might not be your style, but I def just go pretty casual on first dates. Somehow feels like I’m making less of an investment! Hope you feel ok, know how awful it feels

I only do daytime dates for first couple anyway so I don’t really dress up. Obviously I do look as presentable as possible but I’m a trainers only girl - I don’t even own shoes!!

Yes definitely I think it’s only polite to give a reason for not wanting a second date even if it’s the vague generic - no spark/looking for different things.
Regards - he might as well not have bothered tbh.

@SamW98 @RosieAway I much prefer day time dates, but he lives locally but works in an office so it was easier to meet in the evening near me. I really thought he was polite when we met. Thank you both for your kindness, I do feel a bit shitty, just makes me feel crap and unattractive...
I have found this before, men will tell me on a date how hard it is to meet someone who is intelligent and that you can talk to, which makes me think that they see me as those things and then aren't interested in meeting again...
Thank you ladies, your support does matter even though I haven't met you!

Hi all. I need to the thread. I've been invited to go for a first date this weekend and to be honest I'm not really looking forward to it.

I'm really shy and I'm not sure that I am all that excited about the person who's asked me on a date. I hope that doesn't sound really ignorant of me. But I still want to go on the date so I can figure out whether or not I do like him because he does seem like a nice guy.

I'm just feeling a bit nervous because he seems to be texting me quite a lot and for some reason this is making me feel a bit under pressure. Also we were just going to go for a drink/coffee but now he wants to go out for lunch. I don't know why but the thought of going for lunch makes me feel a bit under pressure again. Am I being ridiculous? Is lunch an normal for first date?

Does anyone relate to anything im saying 🙈

It's very natural and normal to be nervous on a "first" first date.

If you feel uncomfortable with lunch, say you'd prefer just a coffee. If he's a good man, he'll be fine with this. If he's not ok with such a reasonable ask, in any way at all, then move on. Don't accept any shit from a man, especially one you've never met!

@harerunner aww thank you!
I can't work out whether I'm nervous or actually just not into this person. And the latter makes me sad as he seems lovely!

What do I even say when I first see him 🥴

The 'but' is, he was listed as 8 miles & it's actually about 60.

60 miles for me depends on the route... if it's motorway almost all the way and you can do it in under an hour, then that would
be fine... If it involved a 3 hour crossing of London, then no.