An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

You don’t need to worry about it now as you have more important things to worry about but as they grow up they will wonder why they don’t have a dad. It’s too grown up to tell them the real reason so don’t mind making one up. As a child they don’t need to know but when they’re much older you can tell them the truth.
as for custody, move away, change all contact details, don’t put him on the birth certificate. Don’t be traceable. Save all the evidence you have. and if you have any evidence of abuse obviously save that too

You can’t control what other people say or do. She may want to stay in the marriage, he might convince her you’re lying etc. The only person you can control is yourself. Apply for CMS. He will doubtless ask for a paternity test so do that down the legal route, and then claim via CMS.

Don’t be ridiculous. You dropped the bomb on Monday and you expect to see some ‘repercussions’ play out on social media by Wednesday? You have no idea what’s happening in their home right now (hint: it’s bad).

What an awful man.

She is probably dealing with this and thinking things through and will take a while before she changes her social media even if she plans to leave him. I think it's better for both of your sanity that you're blocked and won't stalk each other.

File for child maintenance.

And then, so whatever you can to enjoy your baby. Hey counselling if you can via gp. Tell your hv what has happened so they can signpost you to support too x

Please be kind I have PPA which this situation has not helped.

I am wanting to file for child support but honestly the threat of custody scares me. Once paternity is confirmed he automatically has rights. He has threatened to use these rights to antagonize me forever. I am seeking counselling. Thank you.

It's only been a few days, I'd be surprised if her social media reflected anything yet.

She may well stay with him, people do. Could be for emotional reasons, financial reasons, who knows. Or maybe she's left him - but again, I doubt she'd be putting that on social media just yet...

FWIW I think that regardless of what she decides to do, you did the right thing. She has the knowledge she needs to make decisions about her future and sexual health. What she does now is up to her.

I feel dreadful for her and also for you. Hope you and your little one are doing ok x

He has no chance of getting custody, so put that out of your mind.

Also, now put him and his wife out of your mind too. She is processing the information you have shared with her, but she is not your ally in this.

She owes you nothing. You owe her nothing more either.

Now you concentrate on your way forward. With support from friends, family etc.

I am worried he has convinced her. He has gaslit and tried to manipulate me throughout this.

Worried about what exactly? She's a sadsack for staying but it's no reason for you to be concerned, you get 0 out of them breaking up or not

She needed to know this. You did the right thing telling her, now it's time to focus on you and your baby and what you both need. You should go and see a family lawyer about the threat to go for custody. If you can afford it I'd be thinking maybe of leaving claiming CS for 6 months or a year, if he doesn't bother seek contact in that time and then takes you to court after you apply for CS that might help to show he's not in it for DC best interests but just because he's pissed off. You could ask a family lawyer if this would count against him. Potentially another option would be to move away, and not applying for CS until settled in the new place. That should limit how much contact he could get. I wouldn't usually suggest something like that but he sounds like a person your DC would be better off without in his life. Again something to ask a lawyers advice on.

Worried that he has made me look like some crazy lady, gets away with it and has a chance to do this to someone else. I know I shouldn't care but again, anxiety, I can't help it right now.

Thank you. This is very helpful and I appreciate it.

Start with one thing at a time.

Firstly be kind to yourself and your pregnancy.

Secondly what his wife does/doesn't do is not your priority right now.

Re: residency he can go to court but the question is will he? Many men in such a situation "bluff" to get their own way.

So call it. Apply to the CSA for maintenance. He will probably ask for a DNA test.

Only communicate with him via email and make sure you keep copies of everything.

If he does go to court you will need this. It will work in your favour if his emails demonstrate he is not concerned about his future child but is manipulating you.

In return make sure all your communication with him is calm and child focused. Do not communicate with him in anger/distress.

A court will not give him residency of a newborn (especially one that is breastfed) to a father without a very, very compelling reason (basically that you are unable to care for the baby and keep them safe).

Suggest going to mediation to him (the courts like parents who've tried to avoid court). If he agrees that's good if he doesn't then it's still good for you he refused.

Focus all your communication with him about your child's best interests. That is what a court wants to see. Not about your relationship or what a prick he is.

Tell him you are going to apply to the CSA and would like to use mediation to discuss contact arrangements and how to move forward in a way that supports a positive co-parenting arrangement for your child.

Don't let him bully you. Take the wind from his sails.

He most likely doesn't want residency - he just wants to use the threat to stop you claiming maintenance.

Stay calm - you can get through this.

Don’t worry about her thoughts. There is no point speculating. You need to look after yourself right now.

So don't play into his hands.

As per my pp. All comms by email and make sure you are calm and careful about what your write.

Don't rise to any bait and engage in a slanging match.

If he does email something nasty just respond that such comments are not helpful in moving forward and this is why you are suggesting meditation.

You did the right thing it's too early to hear about consequences. Go through cms and get extra security on your home maybe a Ring camera door bell, have your calls automatically recorded. He might get nasty and aggressive.

It's sucks because once paternity is established and he is paying child support he also has parental rights. He can deny our child getting a passport and travelling, fight me on medical/education decisions, prevent us from relocating etc he doesn't even need to see the child to have the rights and if I want them removed it will cost a small fortune. It is a double edged sword.

I play poker and this is the classic bluff. In poker parlance, he has gone "all in" with 7-2 off! Or in football terms.....fielding a team with no legs against best team in the world!

He does not want the child, I would put money on him trying to convince you to have an abortion when you first found out. He does not want his wife to know about the child. He doesnt want to pay for the child.

Yet he will go for full custody if you claim maintenance......which will give him full time care of a child he doesnt want, doesnt want his wife to know about and will cost him a hell of a lot more than a monthly maintenance payment?

Nah.....total bullshit. He is panicking and using what he thinks are the biggest threats he can to get you to STFU and FTFO. People who are panicking because they are about to face the consequences of their actions are the very BEST enemies to have, because they make mistakes. They make things better for the person they are trying to bully and much much worse for themselves. Let him tie himself up in knots, let him send you as much vile abuse as he can think of, it will all help you in the long run although I understand that it doesnt right now. Do you have a friend that can read any message for you before you do and archive them so you dont have to read them but have them as evidence should you need them? You can set your phone so that any message from him are muted, so you only open them when your friend is there and that "ping" doesnt set your heart racing. If you do need to read them yourself, remember that they are coming from someone who is terrified. He is in a corner that he has put himself in and is lashing out. Pathetic when you think of it like that isnt it? Like a small child who wont accept that they lost the game and is having a tantrum.

As for his threat to use his "rights" to antagonise you forever.....do you have that in writing? Very useful if you have. This is also a panic reaction to get you to STFU and FTFO.

The advice given above about only communicating in written form, and keeping it completely child centric is perfect.

She's a sadsack for staying

It’s been 2 days! She’ll be on the floor.

OK probably going to get shot down for this but.....

Does he have money?

Because if he does you may find that he would be agreeable to paying you a lump sum for you to fuck off. No claim, not PR, no contact, no nothing.

Don't worry one bit about him and her. As others have said it's about you enjoying your child and your time as a Mother now. If you can afford it I agree with you that you should do it alone. Don't put him on the birth certificate, give him your name. The money isn't worth the risk of custody battles etc.

I think doing it on your own is way better than doing it with a shit partner and Father. I know lots of people who had the whole experience ruined by their partner.
Don't lie to the child but tell them he's not around and one day you will be able to tell them who he is. They deserve to know.

I agree I absolutely think he is pathetic at this point. I have everything in writing. The lawyer I spoke to said he will look terrible if it ever gets to court but he is entitled to "parental rights" once paternity and child support are established.

Not really but he might be open to this. The idea of it doesn't make me feel good. I will think it through.

He certainly isn’t going to get custody of a baby. If he wanted rights to see his child then he could apply for that anyway - but he won’t, because he clearly doesn’t care about it. So just press on with the child support claim. (unless he’s skint in which case no point.)

As for his wife - OP she is a person with a life the same as you. She isn’t here to entertain you with the destruction of her marriage.

Just move on and focus on your and the baby.