An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

Child support just potentially gives him parental rights that he doesn't want and has threatened to misuse. I have stated multiple times I have PPA combined with what he has put me through heavily pregnant and now post partum has left me in a bad mentality.

If he is abusive and manipulative now then I doubt he’s ever going to change. Is this someone who you want to be in your child’s life?

If I was in your position I would not put him on the birth certificate and I wouldn’t take a penny from him. Have a look and see if you are entitled to any benefits for being a single parent. No amount of money from the sperm donor is worth the trauma/hasssle/abuse.

If he decides to be in the child’s life later on then it’s much easier to control contact if he doesn’t have parental rights.

The way he's treating you screams emotional abuse. Threats etc about custody etc.

The chances are he's abusive and he's emotionally abusing his wife. So he will have convinced her somehow it's not what it seems.

But you have to learn to cope with that not being your problem. Do what's best for your baby's and you.

A child does have a right to know who their dad is

You do get entitlements for being a single parent but unfortunately they reduce if you don't declare a father. The only exception is if there is DV. It would be nice to get but will manage without it.

OP you just need to stop for now. You are clearly suffering. There is plenty of time to claim money in the future. You said you are ok financially, why are you focusing on it now?

You've had plenty of good ideas about what might be going on with the wife. Come off social media, be with your baby, focus on counselling. You can apply for maintenance in months or years to come.

Focus on you and your baby first.

OP, it all sounds horrible for you. My sympathies. What is PPA? Have you had the baby yet, it’s a bit unclear in your posts? Are there any other children involved?

No other children involved thankfully as that just complicates it more. I have had the baby. I was diagnosed with Post partum anxiety, I am seeking treatment just takes awhile to kick in.

This exact thing happened to me. Dc now 15 years old. I didn't tell the wife but got child maintenance and said he could be in child's life but not my life. He stayed away.

Told dc the truth when he was old enough. Gradually I told him truthfully but not with alot of hate for his dad. My dc has turned out well. I think it worked out best telling the truth rather than a lie.

I found out life wasn't good for his dad. But nothing to do with me, I just got on with my life livingmy best life with my dc.

Ah you have had the baby. I did assume that with PPA - but wasn't sure if different Initials for something else

How old is baby now ?

Have you had baby registered

Are you going to put him on the birth certificate - but obv he needs to be with you to do that as not married (to you) and assume he's not going to do that

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate it. This is helpful it's hard for people that haven't been through it to understand.

I got closure by getting on with my life and not thinking about him. My dc doesn't have any feelings about his dad. Just says he is a stranger.

What on earth are you talking about? Saying she just met him?

He’s been married two years!

She met him the month he got married. Married two years ago!

This isn’t some one night stand after getting drunk and meeting in a nightclub!

How long after meeting do they become someone you know?

If after 18ish months, this is a man that the OP “just met”, at what point does this change?

Especially if a man lies, manipulates and gaslights you!

i personally would think very carefully about where I wanted to bring the baby up & move now if that's not where you are now. I lived overseas for many years & would move back there.

I totally agree. It could be really hard to move if he has parental rights and presumably at some random point in the future he might decide to try to claim them and stop you moving.

Do you live where you want to end up living long term? I would do everything I could to try to get to that place with my child asap. I would sort out a passport for my child now. He doesn't sound as if he is ever going to be a supportive influence in your child's life so ensure that you are somewhere that you can get that support.

OP you did absolutely the right thing she will probably still likely still be processing everything, when I had concrete proof my partner was cheating it took me weeks to say anything and come to a decision, but then again the thing playing on my mind was leaving the family home and leaving my son, that was the hardest decision to make, you absolutely did the right thing telling her, he has no respect for you, your child or his wife or marriage vows, she will see that when everything starts to sink in.

If you want the father to take financial responsibility for his child with CMS payments then you can't deny him access. Circumstances aside, it's no more your child than his child.
You can't deny him contact if you're asking for support, that doesn't make any sense and will not put you in a good light.
Your posts are centred around you and your feelings.
Reprogram your thoughts without the relationship emotions:
Your child did not make those decisions.
Your child has a right to know and form a bond with both parents.
You both have the responsibility to act in the child's best interests to accommodate this.
You both need to support the child financially and emotionally.
The child is not a possession to fight over.

Obviously the circumstances of the relationship, affair and his infidelity don't help but why should your child suffer. If he doesn't step up to the plate, doesn't pay CMS and carries on with his threatening communication then he won't stand any chance in court.

I totally agree with this poster, it’s really important you tell the truth in an age appropriate way. If babies Dad is never around I’d just explain it as families come in different shapes and sizes and your family doesn’t have a Daddy that lives with them but you’re lucky to be you’re own family who love each other. Then I’d speak about all the people in babies life who care about them.

If they ask more questions about Dad make it clear that Dad chose not to be a part of the family, but if he changes his mind in the future then you will see how it goes.

You’ve done the right thing in telling the wife . I think you need to take your focus away from him and his wife and instead focus on you and your baby. I completely understand your anger and frustration- I would want some closure too. Can you access any counselling? This may help you come to terms with it. I struggled a lot in the first year after my first was born and I didn’t have what you have to deal with. It’s a tough time anyway.

Please take care of yourself. 🌹

Child-support payments are no way linked to contact, that’s a really dangerous message to give unless you know about it

So did you tell his wife you’d had the baby, or that you were pregnant? It’s confusing. How long were you together before you got pregnant? If you thought it was a proper relationship did you never go to where he lived or anything? Did he have another place his wife didn’t know about or something?

I'm sorry you're in this position but there must have been a huge amount of naivety and lack of diligence on your part to have had a baby with a married man, no matter how devious he's been.

Closure as you put in your title is all about you, and wanting to have "won". You have a new born who needs you. Put social media down and focus 100% on your child.

With paternity courts know that men use DNA to stall and cause delay, they don't view it well. He's been lying from the start of your relationship, which us demonstrable by the date of his marriage and presumably your first communications. There's NO WAY he's getting custody, though the child does have the right to access, but he's unlikely to pursue that, unfortunately

Maybe his wife is just getting her ducks in a row before she confronts him? That would be the wisest thing to do given that he is so manipulative and callous.

Baby is three months. I have partially registered just need to lodge a statutory declaration stating why father isn't on birth certificate. I have held off as I'm not sure what to put. They will try to contact him.

I don't agree with the first part some men are extremely manipulative and especially if someone is vulnerable from previous relationships, they often don't know that person is married I don't agree with this.