An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

I had not just met him. There is no way I would have assumed this from anybody. Getting away with the cheating, the lying, the threats and abuse. Why are women so accepting of this behaviour from men. I don't understand it.

My apologies, I'd assumed as he was married that you'd just met him so he'd been able to lie to you that he was single.

I didn't realise you'd known him a while. Did you go to his wedding?

2 years and you never knew he was married.

Christ love.

You can't fix him. He may or may not get what's coming to him, but either way it won't make you or your baby any happier.

Get therapy. Move on. Have your baby.

His poor wife.

Look maybe I was naive but he was in near constant contact, never a lull, how is that possible when you are married? I've been scratching my head over it all since I found out. Like I said I was 6 months pregnant when I found out he was even married. I know I can't and you're right not my problem.

op, really feeling for you. Cheaters can be extremely sneaky, and many successfully lead two lives.

have you given birth? If not, your main challenge is to not let this embitter your heart. You baby needs an emotionally available mum who puts their needs ahead of anyone else’s.

I’m sure the cheaters wife is having a hard go, and if she’s not, well, soon she will. That’s a devastating blow! I’d be loosing my shit if my husband got another woman pregnant.

My partner and I have been together almost two years. He was very charming and attentive in the first 2 months and then betrayed my trust by secretly arranging to meet up with his ex girlfriend. I was ready to end it however he promised it wasn't anything and he was sorry and would never do it again. He gave me access to his ph whenever I wanted to help with the fact I couldn't shake the fact I didn't trust him now. Since then I catch him out on bullshitting nearly everyday he makes up some crap and it's so obvious he's lying 🤥 for some reason he finds it near impossible to tell me the truth about anything. Wtf is he a compulsive liar or what?

It is honestly not worth it. I mean, if he wanted to be a loving, dedicated father that’s one thing, but he’s showing that he’s more interested in covering his arse and intimidating you. Truly despicable!

He could grow up in a few yrs time and decide that he wants to know his child at which point you could reconsider… but for the few hundred pounds a month, your sanity and stability is worth more.

Yes!

He's not worth it. There's no amazing woman badge for not letting him away with it. His wife can make her own bed.

I have. Outside of this my baby is a blessing, very loved. Unfortunately I do have PPA which I am seeking help for as it's made it hard to switch off from ruminating about this. It is I don't understand how he could get himself into this or cause so much hurt.

It’s best to start your own thread so people can respond to you directly

He is, quite obviously, a lying piece of shit and I think you did the right thing telling his wife. If I was in her situation, I hope to god someone would tell me. But, you have had time to at least try to get your head around the kind of “man” he really is, she has had 2 days. A nuclear device has gone off in her life and it would be a rare woman who could absorb that kind of blow, kick him out and then document it all on her social media, in 2 days. Also, if you genuinely had no idea, not one single inkling that he was married, for 2 YEARS, then he must be an extremely, extremely accomplished liar, well versed in deceit and manipulation, so this probably has hit her like a sledge hammer. I feel terribly sorry for her but you need to leave her be now, she is not your concern.
if I was you I wouldn’t pursue paternity or child support, simply because I wouldn’t want such a revolting, dishonest person anywhere near my child, let alone give them the ability to make decisions on behalf of said child? If that means he “gets away with it” so be it, the safety and welfare of the child come first.

I didn't even think of it this way. The thought of him now makes my skin crawl but it took time to get there. Thank you.

My god you must have a very low opinion of women and think that wives are desperate.

"Threw a bomb in the marriage".
He was cheating as soon as he was married (and probably before). This man is the bomb.

Of course the wife will be devastated, she's just found out her husband cheated and fathered a child, which is information she obviously should know so that she can make an informed decision about whether she wants to stay married or not.

No wife should ever not be told that her husband has fathered a baby and has been cheating on her from just after they were married.

I understand you are not in the UK, so may not be relevant but here if he wanted parental rights he could get them, through a court ordered paternity test and parental order.

Does he have other children ? Do they not have a right to know about their half- sibling and a relationship with them ? As your baby will have a right to know about their heritage ( including any half sibs).All the adults need to put their own needs on one side and focus on the children.

Why would have a baby anyway with someone you weren't in a stable enough relationship to even live with?

If you were in the U.K. yes he would be given custody rights - the courts here very much favour working up to 50/50 custody - obviously not while the baby is young but ultimately that's what courts support if the dad wants it

Lots of love to you and baby 💛

He will do it again. For sure. None of your business

His wife may or may not believe you and may or may not stay with him. She will have her own reasons and rationale. None of your business

What IS your business is getting your mental and physical health into the best possible state

And setting up the best possible life for baby

Imo that man doesn't deserve to be registered as the baby's father

And when baby is old enough, I would tell them that their Dad isn't around because he didn't want to be

Get some help with your anxiety and overthinking

Look after you and your baby. You are both very precious and deserve the best

Give that to both of you

I think it was a mistake to tell his wife. However, I agree it's all bluff and he doesn't want the child. In any case he has no chance of getting custody so it's not even worth worrying about.

They don't yet might one day. I have thought about all of that and I don't have answers. Just going to have to accept that my baby will have family out there that aren't/don't want to be involved.

I think you need to forget about the pair of them and just focus on yourself. Stop stalking her social media is not helpful.

Honestly? This ^^ is exactly ^what you should do.

And if you have to communicate with him via email (which is the best way, as then you have a written record), write the email, go and have a cup of tea, feed the baby, whatever, and then go back and read what you’ve written.

Do this three times so that you can make sure to hit the right tone, as I can imagine that having to communicate with him, might make you quite angry/emotional (I know that I would be and it would probably ooze through the email, hence reading it three times).

@oakleaffy

thats not fair.
if I was the wife I'd appreciate being told, so I could stop living a lie.

@Nowayjose0

you did the right thing telling her. Her SM reflects her life before finding out! Not the couple of days since you told her that she doesn't have the life she thought she had. Very rare is the woman who wants to tell her family & friends via SM.

i personally would think very carefully about where I wanted to bring the baby up & move now if that's not where you are now. I lived overseas for many years & would move back there.

i wouldn't apply for child support, I'd block him on SM, but not email.

then I'd get on with living the best life I could. Stop looking at her SM.

best wishes

I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.

Sorry but I thought you were going to say 'I spoke to a lawyer called his bluff & filed for child support as its the right/responsible thing to do'

But fuck me you called his wife & expected her to keep you as a facebook friend while giving you updates on her crumbling marriage to a guy who's mistress had tracked her down! ... that's crazy!

Move on swiftly you & this man are in a awful mentality & the only ones suffering here are the baby & his family

Back. Down. Now

Plus you only called a lawyer on Monday and you’re expecting results by Wednesday