An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

It's not that simple.

What he can do and what he will do are very different things.

Right now he can tell you he is going to make life hell but that takes a lot of energy and money on his part.

At the moment he's probably trying to gaslight his wife into staying with him - you meant nothing etc and he'll do anything to back up that narrative.

Don't play his game. Play yours - which is getting the financial support you and your child are entitled to. One step at a time.

Personally, there’s no way I’d be asking for maintenance if there was a chance my baby would be 50/50 with a nutbar who threatened my sanity! No damn way!

Are you poor? Can you not look after your child on your own? Millions of women do it, and they are better off for it!

I am not entertained by any of this. Empathetic if anything as he would be gasliting her as he did to me.

I split up with my ex when I was 6 weeks pregnant with twins. My DC have just turned 14 years old.

I decided not to pursue my ex for money. I’ve never had a penny and he has never made contact.

I know it’s not what most women would do but it worked for us. I’ve been free to raise my DC without interference, and without putting them through the stress of shared custody. He knew how to contact me but chose not to. I would have co-parented (and claimed maintenance) if he wanted to step up, but it was patently clear he wasn’t interested.

We’ve had done rocky times financially but I’ve never regretted the decision I made. I know he should have contributed but I think forgoing the money was a small price to pay to be able to avoid an awful co-parenting setup that wouldn’t have benefited my DC.

I would absolutely do the same again. Modern families come in so many permutations, not having a father figure isn’t the stigma it used to be.

Im not suggesting this would be the right solution for everyone but it’s worth considering as an option. If he’s not going to make a valuable contribution as a father, then why give yourself unnecessary hassle?

Take your time and don’t panic. Focus on you and your baby - him and his wife are not your concern. Best of luck!

I'm not poor, I do work (on maternity leave right now) You are right, child support is likely not even worth the stress it will continue to cause me.

A paternity test via CMS or paying maintenance will not give him parental rights if he is not on the birth certificate. He would have to go to court to get parental rights. The chances are he won't want anything to do with your child and he is using the threat of going for maintenance to bully you.

Please be careful about the "pay off" option.

Courts generally take the view that a child's best interests is served by having contact with both parents.

Note contact, not necessarily shared residency and frankly (to use the gambling parlance of a pp) I'd think the odds are good that he doesn't want contact at all, never mind full residency.

If you suggest a pay me offf/I'll bugger off approach and he brings that to the court it will NOT reflect well on you.

I'm not in the UK. Its slightly different here. We need to go to court to establish paternity and the birth certificate gets updated as part of the paternity case if he requests it. I'm worried about him doing it purely out of spite.

Ok that would have been helpful to know in your opening post.

It's hard to offer constructive advice when dealing with a different legal system.

I realise that you may not want to say where you are but it does make a difference on the advice.

I, and most others I suspect, are basing it on UK law. That said....it doesnt alter the fact that he is panicking and trying to bully you. He doesnt want your child to even exist, much less pay or have custody of it.

Stick with the advice of the lawyer. I know it might feel like conceding to him to not claim child support, but sometimes you need to lose a battle to win the war. And winning the war, you bringing up your baby without his abusive input at every turn, is more important.

I forgot this was uk based. Most of the advice does translate and I appreciate it just the establishing paternity issue is different.

In which case.......
Forget the money.
Forget him.
You look after you, and your baby. No amount of money would make me sacrifice my tranquility, and the peace of mind knowing that I am solely responsible for my baby would be worth it.

If you can do without him financially, do without him for all of it

What were you hoping for by telling his wife? Throwing a bomb in their marriage?

It seems very unfair- he's not going to go and live with you, is he the wife will be devastated.

I have sympathy with his poor wife most of all.

Whats more unfair is his wife being unknowingly married to a man who started an affair within a month of their wedding, becoming a father to a child during that affair and turning out to be vile cruel and abusive. Do you really think that if she had seen this side of him pre marriage, she would have still married him?! Well maybe she would....but one likes to hope that she wouldnt have.

Better she finds all that out now. If she stays, at least she is staying in full possession of the facts.

He did all of this. He lied to his wife. He lied to the OP (she didnt know he was married). He got caught out. He is bullying, gaslighting, threatening.....the works. This is all on him.

I feel for the OP, the wife and the child. The one person to blame is him, him only.

I have been cheated on before so absolutely sympathise with her I was also angry at the people who knew and didn't tell me.
However this man lied to us both. He dropped the bomb. I dont want him, he is a pig. Who would want him seriously.

And the OP didnt throw a bomb into their marriage.

HE put a ticking time bomb into their marriage the day he cheated. Every cheater knows that they are taking the risk of being find out, for some of them that is the thrill. For some, they are certain that they are too clever to be caught, some of just dont care.

Stop worrying about what she thinks of you or how you 'look'. You dropped a bomb on her, now leave her alone to deal with it in her own way.

He won't go for custody. Either they survive as a couple and neither of them will want any part of your child, because he/she is a permanent reminder of his infidelity, or they'll separate, in which case he'll be off chasing more women, and won't want any part in nappies and childcare.

Put in your CMS claim, then ignore them both and get on with raising your child. They are both irrelevant to you now, just as you are to them.

She knows it's true but is prob trying to ignore this so her marriage works . She's also part of his abuse but will likely leave only when she is ready . I think you have done the right thing telling her totally .
Re maintenance he is controlling you with the threat for custody , he won't do it or get it I bet . If you need the money for you and your child go get it .
Re the comments ignore any not very nice . You deserve better

This might be it. Thank you. Yes some very cold comments and it's obvious some people believe ignorance in bliss.

I don’t see any cold comments on this thread at all.

It doesn’t matter what the wife says or does, that has nothing to do with you. Not sure what you expected her social media to reflect but she’s probably dealing with all of this in person, like a grown up.

He’s an arse, you know that. Think about whether you want to apply for maintenance but if it’s not worth the stress that it may bring, leave it and forget about him. Focusing on yourself and your little one is more important right now

There's definitely a couple of cold comments. "You dropped a bomb on their marriage" "I have the mosy sympathy for his wife" as if he wasn't the one that caused all this and that this is in anyway easy for me. Honestly, I just hope she is smart enough not to be gaslit. You are right about focusing on us.

You threw the chance of a quiet life in the trash when you messaged the wife.

You want to keep him out of your and your baby life you walk away quietly and let him live his life.

He's probably not going to go for 50/50 but he's nothing to lose by threatening you with it now.

Fgs keep quiet, focus on baby and don't involve yourself in his marriage.

I genuinely felt I had to, it was eating me up and impacting my relationship with my child. Plus in this day and age I don't believe in letting men get away with this crap. I will get abit more legal information about child support and see if there are measures I can put in place to claim it without him getting parental rights.

if I were you knowing all the repercussions I would stay clear from this man. I would focus on my child and assume the single mother path including talking care of the finances for the child. You do not know if the wife side with him for revenge. Who knows if she was aware of him cheating and looked the other side. There are pathetic women like this. The money for child support won’t be worth it if you would have a war for years over this. Try to see that clearly what is important now is your child. Try to enjoy what you have and part ways with that asshole.

Unless he's very abusive to children there isn't. He either gets his rights and you get cm or not.

You have babies with men you don't know you spin a roulette wheel.

Getting away with what? He's a twat. He's a cheating twat who threatens you with custody. Whether his wife stays or doesn't is her mess. Why are you taking a bullet for her? Why invite this man into your and your babies life for 18 years?

If you walked away quietly and lived a happy life with your baby isn't him getting away with anything. It's you getting away with a nice life despite having babies with men you've just met.