An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

[Nowayjose0]

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

If you were concerned about sexual health , surely you’d have insisted on condoms?
Therefore no baby would have come along so early with a new man..

The “ I’m worried for the wife’s sexual health “ is a bonkers excuse.

At least admit you wanted to hurt the man via hurting his wife.

There was no innocent and pure motive here.

You are the OW .

Do due diligence with any man before getting pregnant.

Especially one who you don’t have a live in stable relationship with.

Just because she didn't immediately delete all his pictures from her social media doesn't really mean anything. Also why would she not block you after being told you've been having sex with her husband resulting in a child? You're not friends. She really isn't your concern. You don't know that he isn't facing repercussions behind closed doors. Your concern is applying for maintenance. Forget about her reaction. What sort of reaction were you expecting from the other victim in this situation? Invites round for coffee to compare notes?

Ah, I see your baby has arrived. I hope you feel exactly as I outlined about this vulnerable little person - and please don’t antagonise him or his wife any further. Do what you need to do for your child’s best interests. Their business isn’t yours to speculate or worry about - and I can’t understand how or why needing to contact her would be impacting your relationship with your child. As I say, the child needs you and will love you and is your relevant future here.

You need to try and divorce yourself from this man, in the sense of cutting emotional ties that make you desperate to deliver consequences. You can’t control that, and his wife owes you nothing. He is a piece of shit, and whatever she decides she is married to a piece of shit, so that is going to play out one way or another. It’s not your business and not for your entertainment. Focus on yourself and your baby. Apply for child support if you need the money, otherwise, I’d manage it myself and walk away to a life with your baby which is not overshadowed by the actions of a pos.

“OP , you can't undo anything that has been done. Whatever happens between him and his wife should be of no concern to you…

The wife did not seek you out, and she may or may not have appreciated hearing from you. She is entitled to that response and reaction.

It is not your job to seek to have consequences imposed upon him. Do you want vengeance or do you want support for your child and hopefully one day that he have a good relationship with his father?

At this point, you should be wanting only what is best for your son nothing more and nothing less.”

This with bells on. I think the 6-month timeline between you finding out he was married and you telling her suggests you hoped he would leave her and join you, and I suspect that was at least part of your motive in telling her. But you’re human; we humans are complex and flawed, and God knows I cannot claim that the motives underpinning my actions are always entirely pure. But you’re a mother now and your child takes precedence over everyone. In your shoes I would do without his financial support if I could and keep him at arms-length but not stop him seeing his child if he wanted to do so.

If you are in the UK he only gets paternal rights and responsibilities if you are a) married, b) you put him on the birth certificate. Without these things he does not have PRR's. So applying for CMS does not give him these things. He can however apply for PRR's through the court if paternity is proven......

His wife won't want to change her SM just yet. When your DH has an affair, it is humiliating, him having a child with the OW, that is 10 times as bad.

Her response of saying thanks for letting me know, makes me think that you are not the first person she has found out about sleeping with her DH. His callous reaction to you and your baby makes me think that he has a few OW on the go. So, he wants to stay with his wife, I can assume by his reaction.

I highly doubt any woman, who is a couple of years into a marriage, with no DC yet, is going to entertain a man who has just had a baby with another woman. He has basically set up a family with someone else, under her nose.

She will be beyond upset. She is probably holed up at her parents and he is probably in hiding from any brothers and dad.

You absolutely did the right thing telling her. It was strange of her to block you but she did say thank you. She probably wants to deal with this in her own time and way. Perhaps she is financially vulnerable and concerned that you’ll comment on something and give him a clue that she knows something. It doesn’t really matter if she leaves him immediately or their relationship implodes over time, you did your duty in giving her the solid information to make a decision and now that’s off your plate and off your mind.

She doesn’t have to leave him though; that’s up to her. Stop worrying about what she does. They might stay together, some people do. He is married to her.

It’s easy to say that this man doesn’t want the child so don’t believe his threats but we don’t know that.

He may not want to be a decent father to the child and he’s obviously a lowlife POS to cheat on his wife just after he said his vows to her and not even take precautions to prevent another unsuspecting woman he’s also deceived from getting pregnant but I’d be concerned that he might want to be in the child’s life for nefarious purposes.

He might not want people to know he’s a scumbag who abandoned a child, other people like family members may find out and pressure him to take responsibility, he may not want to pay maintenance so OP can spend it on herself (which is what a lot of men seem to think) so will fight for custody, may be very angry now the OP has rightly informed his wife so will try to get revenge by fighting for access so he can make her life hell, his wife might not leave him (could be a religious aspect) and might not be able to have DC later on so they decide they want OPs DC. Weird one but you never know! It’s a hornets nest with a lot of potential risks further down the line.

TBH I’d disappear, forget any child maintenance that may give him rights over the child and carve a life for myself and DC. DC can find out about their father when they are adult.

You need family support for your MH OP. Do you have any family anywhere else you can move with/near? You certainly don’t want him knowing about any MH issues which he could use to build a case against you. You need to focus on your MH getting better and bringing up your baby. You may be feeling guilt about bringing your baby into this situation, it’s not yours to carry it’s his, which may be driving your anxiety so you may want to explore this in therapy.

I assume you imagined that you would be bringing your baby up within a family unit with their dad when you found out you were pregnant without knowing he was already married. so you’ll need to go through a grieving process for that. There will also be that primal need of wanting a father for your baby for protection, a provider etc despite knowing he is an utter scumbag which may have driven your need to tell his wife so he comes to you. All complex feelings.

Forget about his wife, you’ve done your good deed (and it was a good deed), she has the information, up to her what she does about it.

That’s her decision now. I think you did the right thing telling her, but now you’ve got to leave them to it. It’s nothing more to do with you. Concentrate on your child and apply for maintenance. It’s likely he will want custody just to be awkward now.

@Honeyroar
It’s likely he will want custody just to be awkward now.

It really isn't. Many men threaten it, the vast majority don't follow through.
This man is quite clearly a self centred bastard living his best life sleeping with many women, the chances that he would want to give up his freedom by getting custody are very slim.

I was heavily pregnant then had a newborn, we have both had our own health challenges during this time. I also had her husband sending me threats and abuse. Of course I wanted to tell her back then but it wasn't the time. I do hope she is OK, I do know this would have hurt her however he is responsible for all the hurt in this.

Which country do you live in, OP?

OP, you are right to be cautious because the reality is that if he is established as your child’s father he will almost certainly be able to ask the family court for contact with his child - and he will almost certainly be granted it - with a view to your child developing a relationship with him over time. This could be years of hell for you. Family courts are not interested if the child’s dad has been a love rat, even in serious circumstances such a domestic violence the father will still get supervised contact. Think very carefully about what you may be inviting by applying for CMS - once he is having to pay child maintenance his attitude may well change about wanting a relationship with his child. His marriage will inevitably come to an end and I expect there is all sorts going on behind the scenes right now but like another poster has said his wife is propably processing what she has learnt and making a decision - that takes time. Kept her blocked and concentrate on you and your baby x

Are you in the UK? Because this is incorrect.

He has rights if you are married, or he's on the birth certificate.

I am going to step back from this and social media for awhile as neither are helpful.
Regardless of how he came to be my baby is here, he is beautiful and loved and I will refocus on just enjoying him. I fortunately do have a supportive family. Thanks for the helpful comments, I appreciate them. 🙏

He will not have paternity rights from a DNA test or from you claiming CMS. He would get this only from a court order (he would need to go through a fairly long process) or being put in the birth certificate (don't do this).

@Nowayjose0 I’m sorry for you and the wife- what an awful situation. I can understand you wanting an instant reaction, to see the consequences of his actions, but you have to appreciate that her world has been shattered, she may not have fully processed what’s happened.
All you can do is concentrate on you and your child.

The OP is not in the UK. Where she is, he would get PR from the test as it would be court ordered when/if she applies for child support.

I missed that point, thank you for correcting

Please do not lie to your child.

They will end up falling out with you when they discover you've lied.

I don't understand your motivation for telling her and your reaction afterwards. Surely if you wanted her to know for her sake you have fulfilled that objective?!

How she responds how he responds is really nothing to do with you. Making assumptions she is being gaslit and even if she is- again it's none of your business! Your actions hurt her just as much as his- and yes for the majority of the time you didn't know. But you still bare responsibility. This is where you draw a line you told her, it's down to her how she acts next.

As for your motivation, if you fear as much as you say you do him going for rights- why on earth did you rock the boat?! Surely it's not in your best interests to antagonise when you want him out of your life.

So I can only assume motivation was one or not reason- money and revenge. Revenge for how you have been treated and probably more so to gain access to maintenance. Now she knows he can pay without having to hide it. It's easier to pay. So if that was your motivation surely you now need to go to the relevant authorities in your country to sort it.

As for rights, if it's anything like here he's not done anything to harm your child so the chances are he will get visitation. Here you can get a child arrangement order to stipulate how often and holidays etc.

Clearly the money means more than visitation as you wouldn't have rocked the boat otherwise.

People can give you better advice if you are more honest about your motives, your reasoning simply doesn't add up.

Why do you care so much about how she responds??

Why did you do it??

Why are you assuming he is gas lighting- even if he is why do you care so much??

Why do this and risk him claiming rights??

It all stems back to maintenance which you are entitled too so rather than this crazy crusade of she's got to know why didn't you simply apply for it??

Or are you trying to get him back?

Methinks so! It isn’t going to happen OP and he wouldn’t be worth having. But that’s his wife’s business to deal with : yours is your baby.