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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

An accidental affair, a baby and no closure telling the wife.

276 replies

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 00:31

I found out my child's father is married and cheating on said wife when I was six months pregnant he threatened me to go for custody if I apply for child support or his wife finds out.
I thought he was a good guy prior to all this.
I grew some, spoke to a lawyer, called his bluff and messaged her on Monday.
Loads of proof.
Photo's, messages the lot.
I told her about dating apps and multiple women.
They have only been married two years and I met him the month they got married.
This also wasn't the first time he had hurt her.
She thanked me for telling her anddddd blocked me.
Still has him all over her social media.
I thought I would feel better after this I am struggling to understand her reaction and feel like I am angrier than she is about it.
I'm now worried maybe she genuinely didn't want to know and I have done the wrong thing.
I'm also angry that this man has no repercussions for the hurt and anxiety he has caused.
I have no idea what this all means for my baby and what I tell him as he gets older. Do I lie. Say it was a sperm donor or what.
I'm drowning in anxiety please be kind.

OP posts:
izzygirlis4 · 16/11/2023 07:09

Presumably you are in UK. Is he on the birth certificate? If not then he doesn't get any involvement in child's life unless you allow it or the court give him PR.
DNA test does not give him PR. All it does is say he is the father.

As for the wife - stop worrying about her. You have no control over that. She will do what she wants. It's none of your business.

Control what you can - your
Choices and your decisions.

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:14

If circumstances were different I would agree but how do you let someone have access to your child that is only going to hurt them? Who threatens and abuses when he doesn't get his way?

OP posts:
Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:16

That I had the baby. He travelled extensively for work so that has to do with how he was getting away with it. It's actually common for men that work FIFO to have "double lives" I have since found out.

OP posts:
lightisnotwhite · 16/11/2023 07:17

Changednayme · 16/11/2023 00:37

You don’t need to worry about it now as you have more important things to worry about but as they grow up they will wonder why they don’t have a dad. It’s too grown up to tell them the real reason so don’t mind making one up. As a child they don’t need to know but when they’re much older you can tell them the truth.
as for custody, move away, change all contact details, don’t put him on the birth certificate. Don’t be traceable. Save all the evidence you have. and if you have any evidence of abuse obviously save that too

NEVER do this.

There will never be a right time for “ the truth” later on. Kids don’t have any preconceptions of right and wrong, they learn what we tell them.

Talk about their father in an open very general way - he’s not with us he’s with someone else, you are tall like him, your father liked dancing etc. Your child will ask for more details when they feel the need. My experience is that if you don’t make it into some huge drama they aren’t that bothered. Lots of their friends have missing dads one way or another.

WandaWonder · 16/11/2023 07:17

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:14

If circumstances were different I would agree but how do you let someone have access to your child that is only going to hurt them? Who threatens and abuses when he doesn't get his way?

You chose to have a child with him, you were not forced it was a choice, 'yeah but' does not work unless you actually do it all legally through the proper channels, you know this

MushMonster · 16/11/2023 07:18

Have you applied for child support yet?
Keep proof that he is trying to coerce you and thereatening you. Who can give custody of a child to someone who behaves like this.
Keep away from his wife.

HermioneWeasley · 16/11/2023 07:18

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 01:27

It's sucks because once paternity is established and he is paying child support he also has parental rights. He can deny our child getting a passport and travelling, fight me on medical/education decisions, prevent us from relocating etc he doesn't even need to see the child to have the rights and if I want them removed it will cost a small fortune. It is a double edged sword.

You are absolutely right. I’d think very hard about having him in your life at all because he can use your shield to torture you for 18 years. I have a friend going through this at the moment.

if you can possibly do it without his money I absolutely would.

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:20

I don't think I win anything in this. We all lose. I understand that. You are right about focusing on us and have a social media break.

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 16/11/2023 07:22

I'm sorry you're going through this, but "closure" sounds like "vengeance" and it was a bad idea telling his wife if you wanted either of those things. She's going to make whatever decision is best for her, as she should, and so must you. Get some legal advice and choose whatever course is best for you and your baby, not whatever you think will punish him.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 16/11/2023 07:23

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 00:51

I am wanting to file for child support but honestly the threat of custody scares me. Once paternity is confirmed he automatically has rights. He has threatened to use these rights to antagonize me forever. I am seeking counselling. Thank you.

No he doesn't.
He will only gain parental responsibility if he is on the birth certificate.

Get the DNA Test and get the money. That's your babies money and he deserves not to be deprived of it.

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:24

I obviously didn't know who he was before I had the child. I thought I did and was wrong.

OP posts:
QueenofTerrasen · 16/11/2023 07:26

Totally makes sense he's a FIFO worker! I got caught in the very same trap with a man in a relationship in the same line of work.
Hope you're ok op, be kind to yourself and congratulations on your baby x

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:30

I think in my mind he deprived me of making an informed decision in our relationship and he is doing the same to her. If I was her I would have wanted someone to tell me.

OP posts:
Passepartoute · 16/11/2023 07:31

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 01:02

I am worried he has convinced her. He has gaslit and tried to manipulate me throughout this.

Whether he has convinced her or not is her problem, not yours.

There is obviously no chance that he will get custody. Go ahead and talk to someone about how you claim maintenance.

Petallove · 16/11/2023 07:32

She may have blocked you so she can deal with her own issues relating to him. I would be tempted to hold off on cm because I wouldn’t want to name him on the birth certificate. It shows you don’t really know him. But if you need the money it’s understandable and he is entitled to pay! I wouldnt worry about what you tell your child that is a long way off. A lot of children are brought up by step parents and are better off for it. If it’s just you and baby you will be fine.

Night409 · 16/11/2023 07:32

I don’t know the rules in your country so it’s hard to give advice but I would just take things slowly.

Forget about what you tell your child in the future.
Forget about the wife and her reaction.
For now, forget about getting maintenance.

Just focus on being a mum and looking after your baby.
Join some groups and find other single parents in your area and find out what that did.
Don’t make any rash decisions and just take some time to think it all through.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 16/11/2023 07:33

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:30

I think in my mind he deprived me of making an informed decision in our relationship and he is doing the same to her. If I was her I would have wanted someone to tell me.

Whether she would have wanted to be told or not is immaterial now. It's done. She won't make a decision based on your interests and nor should she, so don't hope for that. I'm sorry, but she isn't an instrument of justice, she's his wife with her own life and priorities. She isn't actually anything to do with you, she's something to do with him.

She will focus on her life and you must do the same for yours and your baby's.

Wetblanket78 · 16/11/2023 07:37

Not everyone put's their private life on social media.

Ladymarycrawley1920 · 16/11/2023 07:43

Op, he did deny you the right to make an informed decision about the relationship. Would you have chosen to have a baby with a thoroughly dishonest, deceitful man, who was already married? I would wager that you wouldn’t, like most of us wouldn’t. But, that is what infidelity IS at heart - the theft of agency from someone you claim to love, and the risking of their mental and physical health, purely for selfish reasons. This is simply WHO he is and he has to live with that, but you don’t. You CAN put him out of your life and walk away. I do not believe that anybody who behaves in such a cruel, calculating and callus way has any business raising a child. What could he possibly teach a child? How to lie, cheat and manipulate? Personally, I wouldn’t let him near my hamster!! The sad truth is, he has shown you he doesn’t want you OR this child. In time, I think you will come to see that as a positive, this man is harmful and you are both better off as far away from him as you can get.

39and · 16/11/2023 07:43

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:30

I think in my mind he deprived me of making an informed decision in our relationship and he is doing the same to her. If I was her I would have wanted someone to tell me.

You can't control her reaction to the news. You told her and that's it. Not everyone is sat glued to Facebook and Instagram. She likely has other concerns than updating her social media within 48 hours. I can also see why she blocked you as she's bound to be upset even if you're not to blame.

39and · 16/11/2023 07:43

And I'm definitely saying you're not to blame here!

Riverstep · 16/11/2023 07:44

Child maintenance won’t be worth the hassle of having him in your life for 18 years. He sounds awful and will not be a positive influence in your child’s life. Id think carefully about how you want your life to be.

CubaLibre23 · 16/11/2023 07:44

but "closure" sounds like "vengeance" and it was a bad idea telling his wife

There's always one.

Ludicrous.

Absolutely ludicrous.

Op has done the right thing.

And she had EVERY right to do it.

Also absolutely necessary given a child is involved.

What his unfortunate wife does is up to her.

wildwestpioneer · 16/11/2023 07:48

You are thinking way too much ahead. Concentrate in the pregnancy and getting ready for the birth.

Don't worry about the wife, she has her own battles now.

He will have parental rights whether you claim maintenance or not, he'll be an arsehole regardless, so you might as well do it all properly and go via the bodies designed to help you.

CubaLibre23 · 16/11/2023 07:51

Nowayjose0 · 16/11/2023 07:30

I think in my mind he deprived me of making an informed decision in our relationship and he is doing the same to her. If I was her I would have wanted someone to tell me.

You are absolutely correct.

You've done the right thing.

And you were 100% justified in doing it too.

Ignore the few posters who say otherwise; they're talking a load of shit.
They think a man should take agency and true consent away from two or more women, bring a child into the world with one of them... And it should be covered up??!!
For whose sake?

There's something wrong in the heads of these people.
Maybe they're betrayed wives who stayed and operate their marriage and life in ostrich mode, and blame the ow for having the gall to tell them Instead of blaming their "husband" for betraying them. You can't reason with such a lack of logic and integrity.

Other woman, who have usually at best been told a age old & effective script to get them to involve themselves with a man (he's not happy, his wife is a shrew, they're not a true couple anymore, he'll be leaving), or at worst been totally lied to & deceived as in your case; are supposed to slink.off and keep their mouths shut. While he fucks everybody over. Of they're angry, they're "vengeful". Listen, when women have sex and bond with a lying, future faking man who then throws them under a bus, and they realise they've been had; it's a type of fraud. And victims of fraud commonly get angry. That's even without the emotional and sexual element.
That does not change who the perpetrator of the fraud is. If you want to stay with a fraudster, stay .. stay but don't blame the victims of fraud for not staying quiet and crawling off and not bothering you with inconvenient facts.

Op is as justified as an ow could ever be to tell pertinent parties tell the truth. She's been totally deceived and has even been left with a child out of his gigantic deceit. He's even tried to blackmail and threaten and manipulative her in the worst way possible to force her silence too.

Fuck him. And if his partner would rather not know or is staying in spite of being told what sort of creature he is, more fool her.