Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

No l never let that happen.

No but I think I had sex now and then despite not being entirely enthusiastic. Usually when I pulled a guy in a club and then when I got home I wasn't feeling it. Sometimes I said no thanks or asked him to go and once or twice I just went along with it despite not being all that into it. Now I am older I'd not consider having sex I wasn't totally enthusiastic about but that's experience that comes with age.

No. If I was having sex at any point in my life, it was because I wanted to have sex.

If anything, I found men tended to be quite taken aback by me not being interested in a relationship, if I wasn't. Some of them seemed to operate off a manual where the pattern was 'woman doesn't want sex but grudgingly has it in the hope that man falls in love with her'.

Some of them seemed to operate off a manual where the pattern was 'woman doesn't want sex but grudgingly has it in the hope that man falls in love with her'.

I would offer myself to them on a plate/throw myself at them so they maybe thought I was just a goer at first.

Absolutely not. I saw my mum and a few friends get treated like shit by men and knew I’d rather never have any relationships than get involved with crap men.

I remember one man telling me my standards were too high. Dickhead.

No, I think it's a self esteem thing - I've always had quite a high opinion of myself! It's not like a think I'm drop dead gorgeous but I knew I could get a nice boyfriend if that was what I wanted, i always had interest from men.
I had one night stands but they would always want my number and to go out on a date and often I woke up the next morning and regretted it when the beer goggles had worn off!

No I didn't but I saw it happen to friends quite a bit, especially in our twenties.

I think I was very lucky by finding the discovery that the guy was a usey twat a massive turn off, so I wasn't tempted.

Agree with a PP though that occasionally had sex with someone that I wasn't fully enthusiastic about.

I never felt used as I was equally as enthusiastic about the sex but quite a few times I hoped for a call back that never came.

Yes I definitely did experience that. Twice with older men.
One when I was 16 (only once) and he was 34 - I thought it was very grown up and mature and sexy at the time. It's taken me until early 50's to feel horrible about it and given me some understanding of how young girls can be exploited for sex (thinking the whole me too thing) and not feel the burn of it for many decades. Of course he wasn't at all interested in me, just in having sex with me that time.

There have been others where we had a couple of dates, I liked them, sex happened and it was good, I wanted to bond them to me through sex, hoping it would turn into more...then the next time it was me offering it, not so good...etc the law of diminishing returns for both parties.

It was only when I got older I started to enjoy sex for sex's sake with men that I chose and didn't worry whether it went anywhere or it didn't that actually, I had healthier relationships.

My DH could have just have easily been a first date that ended in sex but didn't go anywhere tbh but it turns out we liked each other and it stuck.

Yes - someone that l have been friends with that he always knew l liked him - totally used me and l stupidly let him. It was never going to develop into more and then l met my now dh so told this friend that quite simply, l didn't look at him in that way any more . He was quite shocked and said ue was gutted but l said well you've had plenty of oppprtunity up until now but this stops.
Shouldn't habe let it go on as long as it did but am older and wiser now

Yes I did. Twice. Once when I was very young and once when I was older. Old enough to know better anyway. Neither time got me what I wanted. But I did learn from it. There wasn't a third time.

I did. Just the once. It was someone I knew well as part of a work friendship group. At the time I thought I was being very liberal and in control of my own sexuality. But I also thought he would end up falling for me. Looking back I was used as a stop gap while he was waiting for his ex, who was dangling a carrot at him, to get back together. I don't think he was ever dishonest with me about any of it and I was naive with low self esteem. It took me 9 months to realise he wasn't going to want a real relationship with me and it sort of fizzled out when I had 'the talk'. And his ex didn't even want him back in the end either. I actually got an apology years later, while I was out with my new boyfriend, now husband.

Yes because I was very insecure and had little self worth when I was younger.

I had an experience like that at 16. It was an older man. Worse than that is that he was dating my friend who was only 15.

Eventually it came out that this man had been sleeping with everyone he could manipulate into it. I heard from several people that he'd basically bullied them into it - that included men and women.

Vile. I didn't realise at the time how vulnerable and easy to manipulate I was. You think you're Billy Big Bollocks at 16, don't you?

So sorry to those of you who were so young when this happened to you. 😥

The main one, I was 21 and he was 47. I was into spirituality and I thought he was so knowledgeable. Another was 30 when I was 19. That was through the occult scene too. Both of them had some positions of power in those scenes.

Honestly I'm not surprised, I think there are some deeply grim men involved in those scenes and I think the fact that it attracts lots of young women is one reason. Sorry that happened to you @porridgeisbae

I think this has probably been the case for many women when younger and looking for a relationship.

No that's never happened to me.

In my relationships I've always been clear, if you like me, you have to ask me out, make an effort with me, look after me and THEN, after a period of time, we may get intimate.

I don't understand the appeal of having sex with men who don't like you enough to go to any trouble for you.

I see it as maybe part of the dark side of the sexual revolution/ladette and raunch culture.

We're (well, young women are) encouraged to act sexually wild, but it's really men that benefit from it and can just use us like bouncy castles.

Because of the spiritual scene I was into, I was more like it than a lot of women at that time, because that scene didn't have any visible conventional moral standards. Also I was a bit socially ignorant- I didn't realize any social consequences my behaviour might have.

Well, did you enjoy the sex? In which case, weee you not just a goer?

Yes loads. Surprised so many said no I thought it was pretty common when younger!

And to answer your question, no, I haven't.

I have had sex with a few guys who probably were just using me for sex. But they hid it well (/manipulated me) so I was unaware of that at the time.

Yes, used as SH for years. Would never sleep with anyone who I actually wanted too or liked despite having that option available, would go for the men I actively disliked just to punish myself. I was a survivor of revenge porn at 14 and tore myself apart with guilt. I felt I deserved to be treated like that and for around 6 years continued with the behaviour. Around 2 years ago I went celibate and decided against continuing this behaviour. I had abusive relationships in between those 6 years n now finally with someone who is everything I could have dreamed of. I’m 22 now and wish I could give 14 year old me a cuddle. The videos were sent around 4/5 different high schools and I walked straight back in the next day determined to not let it outwardly destroy me as much as it was internally. I am proud of little me for being so beyond brave with a bigger set of balls than the boy who set out to destroy me

In my relationships I've always been clear, if you like me, you have to ask me out, make an effort with me, look after me and THEN, after a period of time, we may get intimate.

Awesome. Absolutely, we should have a bar. That's how I feel as I get older anyway.

@justjeansandanicetop I enjoyed it but I would've wanted a relationship with them, too.