Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

Oh ok, that’s horrible OP and I’m so sorry that you had that experience :(

Oh no, I've never had sex like that. But it doesn't mean that much to me and I enjoy it a lot so I'm not sure it would bother me tbh. If they didn't want me afterwards that's their issue imo, plenty more fish in the sea.

Do you feel damaged by the men that used you?
I am entirely damaged to my very core. I should be furious at these men's behaviour and disrespect, but I save my anger and revulsion just for myself, sadly. Once a month almost like clockwork I have a bad depression day and torment myself, remembering how I just pretty much lay back and allowed myself to be used by pretty much any bloke who fancied. It's not good.
Luckily, though, as well as the lovely partner, I managed to forge myself a very good career and earn well, so I have nice little house, and can afford to do some nice things. So in my mind it's almost like a past life. Just wish I could burn it all out of my memory.

@AbsolutelyFemale I 'caught feels' too much at the time I guess.

I did with someone I developed a mad crush on. We were around 19/20 when it started. We did it several times over about 4 years but in reality I was just so not into it. I didn’t even like him, just fancied him. Each time it felt wrong and like a waste of both our time. I do regret it slightly as I started the whole thing and made life awkward but he was like a magnet at the time.

@NegativNancy EMDR therapy is really good for helping with the sting of memories and their effects. I'd recommend it.

Thank you, I haven't heard of this but will take a look!

Yes. A lot. No self esteem when I was younger. My parents hated each other and I had no role model.
I had nice boyfriends as well, though.

@IHeartGeneHunt The nice ones don't tend to be as hot though, do they?

Vehemently disagree!

Yes I guess so. There were a lot of mixed motives though. And I didn't resent them exactly - just couldn't work out what I was looking for and couldn't make head or tail of relationship stuff. Tried to own my own decisions. I'm sure there's a lot about my dad in there, I was mystified by him and still not sure I ever really understood him.

@starlightcan Ooh that's good if you've found attractive nice ones. My nice ones tended to be a bit wimpy and less 'alpha.' Dan even called himself 'the alpha male' once, because he was the head of the occult group we were in. That was 20 years before Andrew Tate became a thing. It was more associated with gorillas. I don't think it's possible to be a 47-year-old Alpha male, anyway. Not in the animal kingdom sense. Because a lot of guys in their 20s would beat someone that age in a fight.

Only one man. I was so stupid and so heavily in lust with him! I didn’t necessarily believe I’d have a relationship with him, but I probably would’ve like to have had one or at least the option. I was just a repeat stop gap shag for him and that really hurt at the time once I’d cottoned on to it. I wasn’t resentful of our having sex (I’d have loved more of it!) but I wish I could’ve either been more clinical about it, or switched my feelings off.

I was probably more like a puppy dog desperate for him with the benefit of hindsight in his eyes, I did not play it cool at all 😂

Yes and loads of my friends have as well! I’m surprised by all the ‘nos’ on this thread. It was common place at Uni.

No I haven’t. I saw my mum & sister let men treat & use them but I think too highly of myself to do this. I want to be treated well & would only have sex with someone that I would want a relationship with.

Absolutely never. The thought is turning my stomach :(

In my 20s-30s, if a guy hadn't asked for my number before getting intimate, he certainly wasn't getting it after a ONS!

I remember a conversation with my friends about intimate waxing and I replied along the lines that if he noticed I'd not shaved my legs before getting jiggy he was not worth it.

Your train of thought is interesting

do you mind if I ask your age now?

As a teenager in the mid/late 70s I certainly had a few unwise "liaisons"
The top and bottom of it is, if men are offered sex, 9 out of 10 will take it 😉

@EmmaEmerald I'm nearly 47 myself now, that's why I sometimes think of him being my age and what Dan was doing messing around with a 21 year old. Hey ho that's men I guess.

I'm not actually that immature lol but it would be nice to find one that's attractive and nice at the same time. I know I can't go for my old 'type' though as they tend to be awful.

Well I just had a summer romance with a man half my age (after not dating for years).

I'm 47. We liked each other. I was hyper aware of the sort of judgements MNers might make but IRL, this stuff happens.

if anyone could be considered taking advantage, i'd argue him, because he has no money (that I know of).

I've never been used for sex but I waited to see a certain level of involvement with anyone.

I did have a younger lover a few years ago, but I feel really guilty about that now. MN ruins you.

No, never even had a one night stand, I figured out very early that a lot of men were shits. I have only ever been interested in having sex in a relationship. 6 months is the shortest time I was with someone I was sleeping with.

Asking if others do what you do, isn't relevant.

it sounds like you had and possibly still have self-esteem problems. Don't you realise that?

MN ruins you

Ruins you? Or tells you to develop some self-worth and stop being a doormat.