Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

@Bobbotgegrinch

i think encouraging men to have honest and respect conversations about what they are looking for before and after is important.

what is wrong is stuff like

• future faking. So being really into someone and raving about how amazing they are and then flipping to be cold and uncommunicative after sex has happened

i can seen men do this as a way to get more sex. But it’s fundamentally dishonest. You can indicate you find someone attractive AND be clear ans honest you are not looking for anything long term or serious. Though I guess if you do this women who know they want something more serious are more likely to say no. But the sex the you do have will be more respectful as everyone is clear on the basis beforehand

• ghosting. Plenty do this.

Carry on the ‘really into you’ act in the morning but then ghost afterwards. I had a ex ghost me once. I’d broken up with him in a respectful way and he was really hurt. Months later we started seeing each other again. Hooked up once or twice and then he ghosted me. I bumped into him a few months after that, and told him straight that I felt he treated me with a disrespect I did not deserve and fell far short of how I treated him.

• playing the ‘im not after anything serious but can we be friends’ card

where ‘friends’ means I can flirt with you and booty call you when I feel like it but will treat any contact from you like you’re a bunny boiler and any complaint about that is met with ‘but we agreed we’re friends’

I’ve had ALL of these happen, some more than once. At the time I internalised it as evidence of my fundamental unloveableness wondered what was so awful about me to be treated this way.

Now, with space and distance I realise all of these men were behaving in an incredibly rude, sexist, disrespectful way. Not about wither they wanted to be my boyfriend. But that, despite having great sex together they then didn’t bother to treat me with some basic curtesy. Awful people, all of them.

Hey I'm just reading through this and only on second page, but have come to a post from the OP Negativenancy that she feels self revulsion once a month and I'm sitting here like, hmm so she's probably due her period, the tide is out and all her emotional crap is offered up for her to deal with, and she is so sad and distressed she is hurting herself - for no reason.

@something2say I think you've got me mixed up with someone else.

I'm not particularly a NegativeNancy and the 'you're upset- you must have your period' is a misogynistic trope anyway.

Most of this stuff is long ago. I just treat it as a guide as to what not to tolerate/get into in any future relationship now really.

My thread was just inspired by another thread where there's a woman who's blatantly being played/used for sex but doesn't recognise it.

@Fernsfernsferns i agree with you - these things are depressingly common. The problem, as you pointed out yourself, is that these guys have no reason to be honest and every motivation to be manipulative (or just avoid the issue). I don’t think most of them even give it that much thought because they don’t need to, they just want sex.

As a previous poster pointed out, it’s about having some ‘game’. Too many of us are walking around expecting men to be open and honest discussing their feelings - this is what we’re taught to expect, even on a one night stand. My sister-in-law works in an inner city school and there’s nothing sex positive about the way the girls there are getting eaten alive - sometimes their whole lives ruined if there’s pregnancy involved. I actually find it quite cruel.

where ‘friends’ means I can flirt with you and booty call you when I feel like it but will treat any contact from you like you’re a bunny boiler and any complaint about that is met with ‘but we agreed we’re friends

Spot on. I know this situation all to well. Usislly coupled with some bs about how they dont want to muck you about or be a dick... well perhaps dont be a dick then. Dont be all over me and texting me all night one minute then decide I care too much because I knew what was coming before you did it, and back away so quick I dont know what I did wrong the next.

I was so naive about them for so many years that I oscillated between being played and staying single for long periods. This is fundamentally why I ended up without kids. It's OK cos I find life interesting still. But I lost so much time. It sounds like casual sex and naivety about men gets a lot of young women in a mess.

This really resonated

i should have dated dull boyfriend longer and in doing so repositioned myself in my wider social circle as girlfriend material.

and from there likely traded up to someone more right for me.

ive seen men get emotionally involved with someone who has a girlfriend. And THEN when she eventually becomes available things move quickly but he’s already bought in.

lots of friends who ‘valued themselves’ too much to have sex on a first date ran their entire love lives like this.

I have to admit I did this more than once, it was kind of a habit in my late teens. Once I was 20 I was much more comfortable with openly seeing more than one guy before commiting to them. I was a shocking flirt throughout my 20's sometimes it led to something, sometimes not.