Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

I think this was very common in the 90s/00s , I guess it is the kind of ladette culture. I internalised it in a different way, I decided very early on that I didn't want a relationship with anyone and would only have sex with them. Which I did enjoy, but in hindsight I think it was because I'd kind of already written off men and relationships in a strange way. And from the other side, I definitely kept sleeping with people I knew had feelings for me, but handwaved it away as "but I told them it was just sex", which is actually very simplistic and naive.

I definitely did have politeness sex from time to time as well. I don't think I especially felt taken advantage of, but there were times when it seemed too much bother to explain that I'd fancied him more at the club than home, or to try and figure out how to get home, and just going along with it seemed the easier option.

In awe of 14yo you, so so brave and inspiring - walking back into school that day must have been such an act of courage. I'm so sorry they did that to you though, absolutely no justification and I hope you know now none of it was your fault

No, but shamefully I stayed with someone who was awful far longer than I should have done (2 months) because he did something incredible sexually to me.

I remember the author Martin Amis saying you don't remember sex after the event, but I'll never forget those encounters.

I’m another of those women who can’t even think about kissing let alone sex until I’ve built an emotional connection and that takes me a while.

I’ve been ridiculed for this and told I need to just pull a bloke for a shag and that if I have a few drinks it doesn’t matter who he is - seriously and I’m in my 50’s

So it’s not just young people who think anyone not wanting no strings sex is repressed.

@Janieforever

It’s interesting you primarily made a move on these men and not the other way round, often that sort of promiscuity in young women is a sign of something else going on with them, unhappiness, loneliness, trauma, mental health issues etc, using sex to get love.

I think there’s a big distinction between having casual sex and being promiscuous. Promiscuity involves being indiscriminate.

I find the assumption that initiating sex with a guy means you must be ‘unhappy or traumatised’ in some way irritating.

I get that sometimes when someone is unhappy or has experienced trauma this is one of the ways it might manifest itself. But doesn’t mean that confidently enjoying sex and being sex positive means that you are unhappy.

Just as feeling unhappy about your body may manifest in overreating, but doesn’t mean that someone who loves food must be secretly traumatised.

It’s a stigmatising generalisation and plays into misogynistic tropes.

I remember the author Martin Amis saying you don't remember sex after the event,

Lol! I definitely remember the good times. They are filed in the 'bank.'

I’ve been ridiculed for this and told I need to just pull a bloke for a shag and that if I have a few drinks it doesn’t matter who he is - seriously and I’m in my 50’s

Grr, for a start of course it matters if they're attractive at least. I don't think I've ever been so drunk I 100% couldn't recognize whether someone was physically attractive or not.

And no, of course you don't have to have casual sex. The person who implied that sounds a bit annoying.

I think there’s a big distinction between having casual sex and being promiscuous. Promiscuity involves being indiscriminate.

Apparently that's one meaning, but I think it's usually just meaning having a higher than average number of partners for a particular space of time.

I have always been able to separate sex and emotion so I just did what I pleased and nothing else, but I would sat most of my friends did mix them and would have set out of obligation or trying to start a relationship. Then feeling bad/guilty. I don't feel bad or guilty ever about freely made choices, and hate that it's all so moralized and that women feel pressured or don't get the game often. Personally I don't wait unless I want to wait, like choosing a life partner felt really different as I was dating quite a few people and didn't want overlapping sex, I also stopped drinking on dates so I would have a clear head. I agree many men take advantage of young women and/or lure them in with false crap. My rule was have sex if you want to, don't if you don't and don't assume investment on their side. I found men often invested heavily in me possibly as I didn't care that much. It was a relief to find my one where it was so much more equal on both sides.

Thanks a lot to the people who responded to my post, you've mostly confirmed my thinking, which is a relief.

I do find the "politeness sex" thing slightly terrifying as a man. The idea that someone might only have had sex with me because they weren't sure how I'd react otherwise freaks me out a bit. I completely understand why women would do it though.

@Spinet You gently questioned the mentoring thing. Think manager of a activity holiday resort, it's not exactly that, but close enough. Most of the instructors / reps are early 20s, I'm a good 15 years older than the next oldest one. A lot of opportunity for them with staff and guests from other centers. Obviously not my job to police their sex lives, but it is my job to keep them safe and out of trouble. Sometimes I hear gossip in the bar, sometimes I'm specifically asked for advice. Conversations around consent etc have come up on occasion.

I do find the "politeness sex" thing slightly terrifying as a man. The idea that someone might only have had sex with me because they weren't sure how I'd react otherwise freaks me out a bit. I completely understand why women would do it though.

Pretty sure men do this as well…!? Have had plenty of conversations with friends where it’s not so much about being scared as just weighing it up and deciding it’s less hassle, less awkward, and less likely to hurt the other person’s feelings if you just go ahead rather than explaining that they’d rather not go ahead after all.

I would wager that straight men don't have 'politeness sex' with women because they are afraid of being physically attacked and harmed if they don't.

Well no, I think they do it for the reasons mentioned, as do lots of women.

I think it's great you're thinking about it. It's not simple, is it? It's just not practical or effective to tell young people that they shouldn't shag people who want a relationship if they don't want one too, but the experience of having sex and then somebody being completely cold and unfriendly in the morning/ straight after is pretty brutal if you thought they at least liked you. Or the feeling that you thought you were getting along with someone in a romantic or even just friendly flirting way followed by the realisation that they wanted to have sex all along and because as a woman that's what you're for it's going to be really difficult and even dangerous to try to get out of it now... horrible in retrospect, though as a young woman I told myself it didn't matter.

I'm not saying it's as obviously political as all that at the time! Or the same for everyone. But I know I'm not the only one who has experienced those things.

I've been kicked out straight after sex and it's never really bothered me, but I do think that sex for men and women must be innately different, that there's a vulnerability involved for women that most men never feel.

I'm bisexual, although I've only had penetrative sex with a man once, I can imagine that if I'd been tossed out with barely a goodbye after that, it would be a different experience to when it happened with a woman.

@Bobbotgegrinch

Jesus that’s rude.

Hey I'm just reading through this and only on second page, but have come to a post from the OP Negativenancy that she feels self revulsion once a month and I'm sitting here like, hmm so she's probably due her period, the tide is out and all her emotional crap is offered up for her to deal with, and she is so sad and distressed she is hurting herself - for no reason.

can you at least tease this apart OP? YES get down at that time, it is the point of it, but don't hurt yourself any further. Figure out WHY you did as you did, what started it all etc and have compassion x many of us were lost little girls at some stage, and did stuff like this, but looking closer, that's not the whole story is it? Move the narrative on - you don't deserve to hurt xxx

Men claim that sex is a priority for them, and yet they seem to be uninterested in women who want sex. It still puzzles me 30 years later.

Hmm, I think they want women who want sex, but only if they believe she only wants sex/has sex with them, after being woo'ed/courted/bonded/after they earn it and prove themselves.

(Of course there are exceptions to that, some men will happily get into ltrs and marriages with women who have sex with them quickly. But they obviously want a relationship with her anyway, they are not out for casual sex with her/in general and they are not the sort to judge a woman for having sex quickly).

Generally I think many men, believe (not correctly) that a woman who has sex quickly or easily with them ... without commitment..or before commitment/investment by him has been demonstrated ... Will do that with anybody, and therefore is indiscriminate or foolish or promiscuous, and a bad prospect for a faithful partner; with whom his kids will be his kids.
This is obviously not across the board but they do seem to correlate choosiness and not having sex easily with potential fidelity.

In what way, sorry?

There was a thread on here recently - can't remember the exact details - but a woman was left feeling vulnerable after a sexual encounter when the man either left or was a bit cold afterwards?

I do think (and this is only a generalisation) that women tend to be more vulnerable after sex.

Reminds me of Rod Stewart saying the ideal woman would be one who turned into a pizza after sex 🙄

The woman kicking you out immediately after sex

Ah ok, thought I'd accidentally said something horrendous then!

lol no not at all!

but I do think that sex for men and women must be innately different, that there's a vulnerability involved for women that most men never feel.

I agree. And I think it's evolutionary, as such.

A sexual encounter for a man, has always had zero consequences eg no pregnancy or child, no obstacle in terms of working/earning ...

Unless he chooses to accept them (or is in a position to be forced to accept them).

He can walk.

A woman couldn't walk from a pregnancy. Her only option if she wanted to "walk" was an unreliable, painful, dangerous abortion. She could try to walk from a baby, but most didn't. She might be lucky and have family who'll take on the baby, but may well not. She then has a mouth to feed, hasn't been able to work normally for the latter part of the pregnancy, and has an obstacle to working/earning. That's if she survived the pregnancy and birth.

Very serious implications from sex for women. None for men, unless they choose to take responsibility.

And we are only a blink of an eye into reliable contraception compared to our history.

@Hamburger233

You're right, and given that I jumped straight to the act of penetration causing the vulnerability rather than risk of pregnancy, it shows how little men think about it.

I remember a female doctor in my early 20s who was dealing with my contraception and I brought up HIV. She said it wasn't only that I should worry about, if I caught chlamydia it could damage fertility.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to chime in because you sound like you were rather vulnerable when you were younger and this led to situations in which older men or sexual partners could take advantage of you. Being in a situation that requires the Freedom Program sounds deeply unpleasant, but you should give yourself some credit for recognising that this was not right and for taking steps to change your behaviour and raise your standards.

I think there is a learning curve in all sexual and romantic relationships. When we are young we don't necessarily know ourselves or our needs, or maybe we were never taught how to express those needs or how to leave a situation that made us feel bad. Perhaps you had experiences where your feelings were ignored and as such, you were already primed to put others' desires over your own needs.

All this to say that you sound like you're reflecting on some things that were difficult for you and that are bringing up resentful feelings. I hope that you can speak kindly to yourself and recognise that you were a vulnerable person who deserves protection and not judgement.

Sending big hugs.