Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

I had sex with quite a few men because it was kind of easier to just do it than extricate myself as a young women. I think that was fairly common tbh. Yes, I had very low self-esteem but I also thought sex wasn't really anything. I'm thankful for my daughters' sakes that 'enthusiastic consent' is something talked so much about now (although there is porn culture to contend with too).

Tbf I've been with my DH since I was 20. He's a keeper.

"use you for sex, but kind of resent it" is an odd phrase - why "but"? If someone is using you for sex, of course you'd resent it.

We're (well, young women are) encouraged to act sexually wild, but it's really men that benefit from it and can just use us like bouncy castles.
This wasn't my experience - no-one encouraged me to act sexually wild, that is. There was peer pressure, bullying, but I was half stubborn and half shy so I didn't act on the peer pressure. Someone once tried to rape me, and my ex was a bit shitty when he got himself a mistress, but other than that I've only engaged in consensual, enthusiastic sexual activity. That's not to be smug, just to say that if this has been your experience, you've been very unfortunate.

Well, it's a fine line / grey area, isn't it?

Were you actually, openly just letting them use you?

Or were you trying to lure them in / seduce them by enjoying good sex with them?

@80s I'm not saying I wasn't 'sex positive,' just that I wanted far more from some of the individuals than that, and they would just take what I offered.

@Shamrockk So sorry to hear that. Glad if you have a decent one now. Never let one treat you badly, even if you 'love' them- it's better to bin than put up with ill treatment.

No, never. I’ve never felt the “seeking validation” aspect that many women describe. I get along with men quite well and don’t view sex as a mechanism to get close to them or engage with them. Most of my childhood was spent around men and boys and I have a strong relationship with my father, which has shaped how I relate to and communicate with them.

My dad was smart enough to start explaining the ways that many men view and act towards women to me as I got older, so I was wise to a lot of the crap by the time I encountered it. I was also shielded from creepy older men by him and my brother, who were both very protective of me. Now that I’m older I can fully appreciate the effort he put in and realize how much trouble it’s saved me.

Never ever. It would never have even crossed my mind. Why would anyone do that?

@WhichEllie I definitely wish my mum or dad had warned me what men are like- that the bad ones are so motivated by sex at all costs. My parents were very left wing and I was taught to believe everyone on the planet was lovely.

For sure a woman's relationship with her father probably often has something to do with what she puts up with from men.

I wanted far more from some of the individuals than that, and they would just take what I offered
I verge in the direction of an avoidant attachment style so it's more likely to be me with one foot out the door or running in the opposite direction when someone comes on to me. Also not ideal but quite useful when I was younger, looking back!

Same here.

Ish as I got something from the sex and scalp
collecting back then , ego ?

now I definately really enjoy the sex more

I've had alot of casual sex because I enjoyed it, but when I wanted one as a boyfriend I didn't have an issue with getting it. Never felt used by one night stands/flings, but in a couple of longer relationships I felt used when I was whined at like they deserve a certain amount of sex tokens from me.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Yes when I was in my early 20s I got something emotional out of pulling primarily, rather than sexual. Maybe it was because I didn't use to eat well, but I didn't feel that physical 'itch' that wanted scratching as much in my 20s (though I did also physically enjoy the sex when I had it.)

Not really, a couple of ONS but that was absolutely what I signed up for, I was 20 for most of these (about 4 over a 6 month period) then another at 22. The lads were mid 20's. Not the best sex tbh but I think often due to alcohol on both sides. IME the best sex is with a mate you have fancied for a long time ( 2 experiences of this) did it more than once with both of them - lovely like forbidden fruit.

Not exactly, but I recognise what you mean. I only ever consented to sex I wanted and enjoyed (or at least hoped to enjoy - it didn't always turn out to be good sex, but I hoped it would?)

But I did sometimes end up in situationships where I wanted something more and the other person didn't. But also vice versa, when they wanted more and I didn't.

I am a woman who has dated both men and women. Both situations have occured with both sexes. So I don't think it's an gendered thing in any way really.

True that. There was a woman I kind of used for sex who wanted more, sadly.

offer myself to them on a plate/throw myself at them

Really dislike this type of language.

I was very comfortable with myself and with sex when younger and was happy hooking up with people I fancied, not to try and ‘get’ someone, but with an open mind to see where it goes, or in some cases just to enjoy some good sex and good company while single.

I initiated sex with people I wanted to shag.

offering yourself on a plate is the type of language used by sexists and women haters. You don’t ever hear it about men do you, arguably the biggest sex on a plate offerers out there. Always throwing themselves at people, men.

@starlightcan Yes I don't mean in a sex-negative way, but I was used, because they could.

Don't get me wrong, the sex was ok, then they went on with their day/life after that 'bonus.'

Is it possible they didn’t see it as using but as a mutually beneficial situation between adults? Or do you feel that there was an exploitative element, e.g. because you feel you were vulnerable and they were aware of that?

Ditto. From age of 17 I was pretty much in relationships until I was 50. And I made it clear that if you want me, you need to be in a relationship with me first.

I’ve still got same mindset now even in my 50’s.

For instance one like 'Jack'- towards the end, he came into my flat, unzipped his fly, shagged me, zipped up, and left. He didn't even take his boots off. 😡😂

I don't know how much conversation took place but can't imagine it was much. That was after he'd lied and told other people he wasn't seeing me anymore.

But really, 'Dan' was the worst. He did spend quite a bit of time with me but it was just for sex as far as he was concerned, nothing more. He was one of the several who would actually get stroppy if he didn't get it when he expected it.

I recognise what you're saying OP. This was me in my entire 20's. I was raped at 15 but a friend of my parents and never spoke up about it. As a result, I begun life as a adult believing I was a worthless piece of shit and approached me with almost an unspoken understanding that I knew I wasnt good enough to be considered girlfriend material, but but feel free to use me for shagging.
I really identify with the situations you describe with "jack" and "Dan." I allowed myself to be similarly used. I am so so sad for my lovely younger self and those wasted years as a young woman.
Luckily, I'm 39 now and with a wonderful fiance who's not the slightest bit interested in my past. Just so sad the damage is there in my head permanently.

This is really upsetting to read, op. You don’t have to sleep with these guys.

@Insuranceheadache Yep I hope to steer clear of any ones like that again.

@NegativNancy So sorry to hear that. Glad you have a decent one now. I'm older now too. I have bipolar that got worse in my 40s so have to be really careful not to end up in a situation like that again. Do you feel damaged by the men that used you? I suppose I feel kind of angry, and determined not to let it happen again.

@starlightcan Jack definitely eventually knew I was into him. Dan too I guess. But I don't think they thought it through in any depth, they just saw it as an opportunity.