Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

@starlightcan Ah ok. I thought it might've been where I went wrong. I converted to Catholicism so the next one will have to wait quite a while anyway. I also used to usually be the one to make a play for guys and make the first move, rather than waiting for them to do it.

Yes, this was my primary hobby in my student days/early twenties until I got together with my DP who I've been with for seven years now.

I had incredibly low self esteem and experienced a serious SA as a teenager and so I think that those two things together meant that I really saw no value in myself other than what I had to give to men.

I was absolutely desperate to be loved and cared for and all of my friends were in LTR. I would have sex with pretty much anyone that expressed an interest even if I didn't find them attractive/like them all that much in the hopes that it would lead to a relationship, which of course it never did.

I regret that period of my life massively and I'm deeply ashamed of myself to be honest. I very rarely enjoyed the experience but now that I'm older I can at least understand why I did it.

💐

Yes, I was in that position in my 20s and early 30s. My naivety about men was exacerbated by the culture, and the unworldliness of my family.

No. But definitely enjoyed my time with my FWB. I think he might have fallen for me, but I'd made it really clear that it was just FWB for me. So was I using him? It can happen in reverse. It did end after a shortish period of time and we both moved on. I actually really enjoyed it at the time though

Yes as I had low self esteem and didn’t really know any better. It took me a long time to work out it wasn’t healthy and didn’t make me feel good or make men like me, but I got very hurt along the way and sometimes I very much struggled to cope with things. I have too many memories of complete cringing moments and things I did but as I got older I had therapy and learned a lot. I now would never do this but I have a full understanding of why women do and how to help them

No!

I’ve shared sex with quite a number of people because I’ve wanted sex. This has varied from one offs to long term relationships and sex with friends. It’s about passion and hormones bubbling. I’ve never “given” sex to anyone, or had sex with someone with some reluctance.

I can't fathom having sex unless I really really want to

@EmmaEmerald why can’t you fathom it though? It’s obviously not a good idea to have sex unless you really want to but I’d guess it’s extremely common because people are complicated and do things they regret all the time. Have you never had more drinks or pieces of cake than you wanted?

OP has clearly said that she knows it wasn’t the best thing to do, and with the wisdom of insight and maturity she won’t do it agin. So, I don’t understand why you make it a moral issue. Everybody in the world since the beginning of time has done things that are not in their own best interests, then they learn from them and reflect on them . Often by sharing with others.

Elvanse "Have you never had more drinks or pieces of cake than you wanted?"

I'm not sure....I think I'd have to say I wanted the excess food or booze so I had it but regretted it later.

no moral issue here. I interpreted it as "I really don't want sex but will force myself to do it". Not "I shouldn't have this cake but it looks yum, so I'm gonna because I really want to".

different interpretations I guess.

@EmmaEmerald its so complicated, in this scenario you are having sex to make someone like you not because you are horny. I would occasionally really want to have sex with them but this was due to the hormone rush of feelings I had towards them or the excitement of thinking they might want to be with me. In most cases for me the men were not gentle and caring during sex so the whole experience was made worse by them using you and you not even really liking the sex itself. I would be performing for them to impress them. Does this make sense? I didn’t orgasm or feel very safe so I often had to drink alcohol to lose my inhibitions, which in turn impaired my judgment. Looking back now it is horrible embarrassing memories. I did sleep with a rare one who was nice but some of my worst ones were exes who had broken up with me and kept coming back or guys who would just ghost me then come round at 1am expecting rough sex. I wanted to be cool so I found it hard to say no. I had an absolutely awful experience with a guy I who was extremely good looking but so rough and gross, that really shook me up and I started to question why I was doing these things and then went to therapy. I now never have sex drunk with my partner as I don’t enjoy it

Both my parents moved out when I was a young teen so I was pretty much left to my own devices. I had no one around and from around 13/14 attached myself to lots of really unpleasant and violent men. I had come on this thread expecting to see many similar stories, so it’s a bit of a surprise so many don’t have those incredibly dark experiences, and means I’ve only got through the first page feeling a bit vulnerable and naive. I was in a very different scene than you describe (London road man culture) and it was horrific, but I can see how this happens to women anywhere where there isn’t a strong family unit.

I recently read Louise Perry’s book about the sexual revolution, and it’s been so helpful to understand what happened with ladette culture and how that hasn’t really served us as women.

I think the difference with the earlier poster is that I’ve never had sex with someone with the expectation that this means it’s automatically going somewhere serious – I’ve just assumed that like me, the guy will be seeing what happens. So if someone knows they won’t feel good about it if it ends up being just sex and nothing more, then dating for a while before taking things further definitely makes more sense. If the guy is definite they just want sex and a casual arrangement, this will filter them out pretty quickly.

Although I don’t agree with the idea that a guy who would otherwise have been interested in a relationship will be ‘put off’ by having sex. If sex ‘ruins’ things somehow, then I can’t see that it was ever going anywhere to start with. (Unless the guy has a misogynistic mindset like in Saturday Night Fever where someone is either a ‘nice girl’ or not, in which case, close shave as who would want a relationship with someone like that anyway. Although to be honest I’ve never met anyone like this.)

I never really understood the concept of having sex to make someone like you. I assumed that they already liked me if they wanted to have sex with me, and if we're talking about deeper feelings... well having sex never made me fall in love with anyone so I didn't expect it of them. I've never thought of sex as something to "give", more as something I wanted and thus more something to take?

Only ever had sex because I wanted it with that specific person at that specific moment. Sometimes it wasn't great but that's the risk you take, I might have felt disappointed with a man's performance on occasion but never used. I did worry occasionally I was the one using them as I wasn't interested in anything long-term during my 20s but then, I never said to them I was.

All the time as a teen / young adult sadly. I had no dad growing up, didn't get on with my mum, was desperate for someone to love me, and worked out that boys (and men) liked you if you had sex with them. When I think of the amount of truly awful (and in some cases borderline non-consensual) sex I had hoping it would make them like me enough to be my proper boyfriend, it makes me shudder. I'd be horrified and incredibly sad if any daughter of mine did the same.

@Bigroundpear I hear you, similar here. I am not sure it’s easy for others to really grasp it. When you are desperate for someone to love you and protect you, this can lead to you using unhealthy behaviours to try to form attachments. I did not have this from my family and I think those who had a solid sense of self and esteem from their family did not have the same experiences xx

I feel really sad reading some of your experiences I just want to say to anyone who has been through this you are not alone 💐

I don’t think you have anything whatsoever to be ashamed about.

@gannett sex is a commodity and if you have low self esteem you are an easy target for unpleasant men who wouldn’t get a second glance from a self assured woman. I rarely got involved with a typical nice guy because I was overwhelming to them and needy but the ones who worked out I was vulnerable would know how to play me to get what they wanted. I had sex with one older guy when I was 15 and was with his best friend. Years later he hooked up with me multiple times on the pretence of ‘always liking me’ but treated me like absolute shit. I thought we were friends, so I kind of trusted him. I also had an ex who kept coming back to me when he broke up with his GF’s - yes multiple! I had also started up with him when I was 14, he could drive he was an adult and would pick me up from school in his car. As an adult I had long attachments to these men so would keep going back to them. I rarely hooked up with a stranger but I got kicked out of some of our (toxic) friendship groups for sleeping with some of the men in them - guys didn’t get kicked out…

OP, I also understand it when you say you feel (or felt) resentment. I still have twinges of this and I am now 60!

I enjoyed sex a lot on my 20s and 30s. My parents were middle class hippy types who had read all the books about the importance of not being repressed. Nobody in my life counselled against sleeping with whoever came my way (if they had, I would have thought it laughably 1950s).

I thought I was liberated but felt sad a lot of the time because even though I was having fun friendships with men and great sex, none of them wanted a relationship with me. That’s where the resentment comes from. If I’m honest it still retrospectively annoys me now and then and I have been married and faithful since 1995!

If you have a friendship and good sex with a man, why on earth would you not feel a bond? Men claim that sex is a priority for them, and yet they seem to be uninterested in women who want sex. It still puzzles me 30 years later.

@Elvanseshortage

If you have a friendship and good sex with a man, why on earth would you not feel a bond?

I’ve definitely had this scenario with a guy before – sex has been amazing, we’ve got on really well and always laughing – but I’ve kind of known from v early on there was nothing deeper there. I think it stands to reason you’re not going to fall in love with every person you could have good sex and a friendship with.

The degree of emotional and genetic compatibility to have the urge to become a family unit with someone (which I guess is what falling in love is all about in the evolutionary sense) is rare by design – it’s always gonna be a smaller pool than the ‘good friends and good sex’ pool. I remember reading an interesting article about how genetic profiles play a huge part.

@starlightcan

i agree it is old fashioned.

and misogynistic

yet plenty of people on this thread have said that’s what they did and they did so as they believe that is the way to signal their value.

ie women that don’t do that are lower value.

it’s great it worked out for you.

It never did for me. It took me a long time to change course because I thought, like you, the ‘make them wait’ approach was old fashioned.

although I’m a feminist many people both men and women in this world are not and still playing by patriarchal and misogynistic rules.

including so called ‘nice guys’

it’s another way to control us and to control our sexuality specifically by making the risks and costs of leaning into it high.

there was a thread on here a while back asking if anyone had had ‘cinema sex’ where it’s passionate and mutual from the get go.

it was a sad read.

80% of more replying sad no, never, they didn’t believe it happened in real life.

if certainly does. Most of the sex I had in my twenties was like that. Deep mutual attraction, simultaneous orgasm, multiple orgasms from the get go.

i always found it like x raying their soul.

so I was always surprised when they then ran away.

the ones I occasionally see around (can’t be friends with someone with that level of sexual chemistry) are shocked and regretful when we bump into each other years later and all that intimacy is still there.

i don’t buy the ‘men don’t get emotionally involved in or through sex’ at all. That is what makes it really great. And it is possible to have all that from the beginning

i feel sorry for the many many women that have never experienced that level of passion.

No. Why would I cheapen myself?

@Fernsfernsferns i agree with every word!

Did you read ANY of the responses?

@Bigroundpear sounds very similar to my situation, although I was in Glasgow. Sounds like a completey different world than some of these posts and makes me so sad reading others had similar experiences.

I totally agree with everything @Lonny1985 said, I know for me anyway I was definitely just craving the love and affection that I never received in childhood, and the more I did it the worse I felt and the less I cared about myself. I really thought that was all I was worth. It was a very vicious cycle.