Did you let men you liked, use you for sex, but kind of resent it?

[porridgeisbae]

Inspired by another thread on here.

When I was younger I used to let men I liked use me for sex. I would sometimes maybe think I could convince them to want more from me, but that didn't usually work and I would just carry on being used until they got sick of me.

I would kind of resent it, but let it carry on.

This is different to a couple of other F-buddy set ups in later life where it was a mutual itch-scratching situation (although I did end up in a sexually coercive FWB thing, for which I had to do the Freedom Programme.)

Did many of the rest of you have similar experiences? It was mainly older guys.

@starlightcan I'm not saying I didn't like/want the sex. But from some of them I wanted more than that.

@Lonny1985 It's pretty good actually that some women can't imagine it.

@Fernsfernsferns Yep I suppose we can say we loved and lost, or have had some good sex. Some women can't say that.

@Bigroundpear Wow that's awful that your parents moved out. Was no one home with you from 14-16 etc?

London road man culture

Must've been dreadful. My oldest bloke, 'Dan', lived in a squat in London for most of the time I was seeing him. That was creepy enough. Some volatile people lived there. He was really into some drugs, too. I didn't grow up that way so it was somewhat hair raising.

Now I imagine what it'd be like to live in a squat at 47. He must've really, really wanted to be in London. I think he chose to move there and do that. Takes all sorts I guess.

@Fernsfernsferns the one good thing for me is now I do know what good and nice sex is and how to make myself happy. Yes I found cinema sex. It took a lot of work for me to do so looking at myself though. It is real.

@porridgeisbae I often had to carry the drugs as I was a girl and they thought I wouldn’t get searched. I even got forced into drop offs. I didn’t even take drugs! I once had to carry a lot of cash through an airport, I absolutely shit myself. I got into loads of dangerous shit and my parents have no idea. I’m not sure they cared. I didn’t have a guy in a squat but I would end up in some horrible places in cars at night

On reflection, yes definitely. I liked them and wanted a relationship, they were clear they didn't, I hoped I'd change their mind, I did not and got hurt.

It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but a life lesson learnt the hard way. I think as a resultI have more resilience and less tolerance for people who aren't interested in me now (friendship wise, happily married)

This is true.

but I hugely under estimated how disrespectful, sexist and in denial of their own feelings many men are.

i think my story is a bit different to the experienced the OP had.

Some men completely use sex as a power kick and are emotionally disconnected. I was pretty good and spotting those ones and kicking them to the curb.

i never two timed, never knowingly got involved with someone else’s boyfriend (though they sometimes pursued me) never carried on seeing someone if I wasn’t that into it.

i also realised much later some of those things were mistakes. I briefly had a nice but dull boyfriend in my early 20s.

when I met someone I had better chemistry with a couple of months in I did the honourable thing and broke up with him before going on a date with chemistry guy.

who ghosted me two dates later.

i now realise I could have explored things with chemistry guy without being so straight up.

i should have dated dull boyfriend longer and in doing so repositioned myself in my wider social circle as girlfriend material.

and from there likely traded up to someone more right for me.

ive seen men get emotionally involved with someone who has a girlfriend. And THEN when she eventually becomes available things move quickly but he’s already bought in.

lots of friends who ‘valued themselves’ too much to have sex on a first date ran their entire love lives like this.

Mumsnet often advises people dating not to play games.

but in my experience there IS a game, it’s still based on sexist and misogynistic tropes - as new posters to the thread are proving.

some people understand this better than others but if you don’t play it you loose out.

i now realise I could have explored things with chemistry guy without being so straight up.

i should have dated dull boyfriend longer and in doing so repositioned myself in my wider social circle as girlfriend material.

I don’t understand this at all

Positioned yourself as girlfriend material? So that chemistry guy would like you more? I think it was just one if those things – you and chemistry guy weren’t meant to be together

Yes.

I've had more sex that I didnt want just to keep men happy or continued to have sex with someone who clearly couldn't give shit about me more times than I'd like to admit. I'm entirely ok with a mutually agreed FWB situation. I dont know why they have to do that whole " love bombing " thing or twist things so you are some how the problem when you attempt to use the situation hur benefit fir a change . It fucks with your head..

As with anything there are some very lovely men in the world and also some awful ones. Adult men having sex with me when I was underage makes me feel sick now, but it didn’t bother them. That is how I know that some men view women as objects they are entitled to fuck and use but be charming and manipulative about it, no one would sleep with them if they were awful all the time.

Positioned yourself as girlfriend material? So that chemistry guy would like you more? I think it was just one if those things – you and chemistry guy weren’t meant to be together

@starlightcan no not that specifically

Chemistry guy wasn’t in that social circle.

but SO many women do this. They build an emotional relationship with a new man before ending their previous relationship

they often deny it. It always seemed dishonest to me.

Whether they really didn’t know what they were doing or not I can’t say.

but it got results

and vice versa men I knew developed feelings for someone unavailable and then were ready and waiting to be their boyfriend when she did become available

@Fernsfernsferns

I thought, like you, the ‘make them wait’ approach was old fashioned.

I just didn’t expect something from someone just because we’d had sex – and I didn’t feel like I owed someone something because I’d had sex with them. No strategy involved, and wouldn’t see the point in waiting just to potentially find out I didn’t enjoy sex with them. If we had sex and I discovered I did quite like them but things didn’t go further, I’d just put it down to - that’s always going to be a potential outcome, and just how it goes sometimes. But would still have enjoyed the sex on its own terms without regret. I don’t see men having casual sex just for the sake of sex as misogynistic. And if someone doesn’t want a ltr, that’s obviously fine and their call. If I was genuinely into someone and they didn’t show similar enthusiasm, I’d anyway tend to lose interest and move on.

I think a lot of it is a case of knowing yourself, what works for you, and what your honest intentions are.

Nowadays if I were dating again (currently in a ltr), I would probably wait to have sex, just because the idea of casual sex isn’t as appealing to me at this point in time, so if I were spending time with someone it would be with a view to a potential relationship. But that could be me in partnered up mode speaking!

Also – congrats on the excellent sex 😁 The thought of these guys blushing when they bump into you made me giggle! :)

Yeah I’m sure people do this all the time, just as they’re scared of being single and don’t want to jump ship until they know there’s gonna be a safe landing elsewhere. I think it’s just called using! Or else people trundle on and only find the courage and motivation to leave when they discover there are other possibilities out there for them.

And I’m sure most women have had those guy friends who they know are ready to pounce as soon as she becomes single. Amy Schumer did a sketch called ‘M’Lady’, I think a lot of them are these types 😉

I absolutely relate to this. I had zero self esteem and was brought up to believe that boundaries around men were somehow 'selfish' and that if you gave them all they wanted it would end up in True Love.
Obviously in practice I was actually used and exploited by some pretty horrible men., I look back with a great deal of bitterness. But it seems young girls today have the same issues, with it being 'expected' to send nudes or act in sexually explicit ways.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, totally understandable that you were desperate for affection/protection after your parents left you alone. I hope your life is better now x

Yes I can see a lot of continuity between the "free love" thing in the 60s (which my mum and others have told me often just meant a lot of men convincing girls who didn't really want to have sex with them to do so, and expecting to be free of any obvious consequences e.g. babies), the "ladette" thing of the 90s, and the pornified culture of now. It's probably just variations on something as old as time - some men being clever at convincing girls and women (esp with low self esteem) to have sex with them because quite honestly to say no just means you are really tragically shit/uncool/prissy/never going to get a boyfriend etc.

But maybe more directly relevant to the OP I do agree with a PP that we have to be aware of our own behaviour too - it's too easy to sleep with someone you know is into you and wants more.

Hey, I'm a man and if I'm unwelcome on this thread the please feel free to ignore or tell me to fuck off, but this thread has thrown up a few questions so I thought I'd ask.

I had quite a lot of one night stands with women in my youth, none of whom I was planning on seeing again. Some of whom I wasn't particularly attracted to, but I fancied sex, they fancied sex, so we had sex. I was always clear that this was likely to be a one time thing, never lied or claimed that it was about more than sex (for all but one of these one night stands, I was backpacking in Australia, so the logistics wouldn't have worked out even if I wanted to).

In the strictest sense I was using these women for sex, but at the same time I assumed that they were using me too, that the situation was mutually beneficial. At all times I believed that I had gained enthusiastic consent, but having seen some of the posts on this thread it seems that even given that, women can still leave the experience feeling used and traumatised.

I suppose the question I'm asking is that is that the case with one night stands, or is it just when engaging in a relationship over a period of time, where one partner knows the other is more into the relationship than they are?

Those days are long gone for me, I've been with my DP for the last 17 years. However I mentor groups of young men in their late teens, early 20s, and conversations about sex, consent etc. do come up on occasion, hence my desire to improve my knowledge.

I think one night stands are different, as long as there is no pressuring or other factors (e.g. needing somewhere to stay) in play.

What OP is talking about I think is where sometimes people keep having sex with someone in the belief that this will eventually lead to a real relationship and the other person perhaps exploits this. I would say sleeping with someone in a "casual" way when you know full well they want more is always exploitative, although obviously the degree of that can vary.

Hi Bob! I suppose that women will be as diverse as men in this regard. So I can only speak for my own experience, which is – I was pretty much the same as you in my 20s, and was happy to hook up with someone I fancied with no particular expectation or wish for something more to develop. I think the big difference is that I only really slept with people I found attractive, although if it was just a one night thing for sex, attractive didn’t need to mean that I was massively into them. It doesn’t sound to me like you did anything wrong as you weren’t dishonest and didn’t try to string anyone along.

I had a few ONSs and also went in for short flings as I had a ‘might as well get your money’s worth’ attitude (not that any money was actually changing hands obv 😆) and would often see someone for a few weeks or months if the sex and company were good. If anything, I found that guys were often expecting or hoping for something more. I suppose women have more choice and don’t need to work at the initial hooking up part so much, so perhaps that’s a factor?? I had a great time with no regrets. But I wasn’t ever having sex that I didn’t want to have, and we always just had a nice respectful time and went on our way (or became bf and gf), so there was nothing to regret or resent.

(After a point in my 30s I decided that casual relationships and hookups, while pleasant enough, were more of a distraction from more interesting stuff than they were worth, then not long after met my partner.)

I think as long as everyone is respectful and doesn’t mislead anyone, it’s all good.

Agree with @WitcheryDivine

I think part of the problem is that some women (I’m one) are not at all suited to no-strings sex and are completely unable to separate sex and emotion, yet we live in a culture which promotes the idea that this is regressive and that to be progressive and modern is to embrace the possibility sex without any sort of emotional commitment or connection.

I remember as a teen feeling that being liberated and modern necessarily meant being open to ONSs etc, so I tried it, genuinely and enthusiastically consented, and yet still ended up feeling used and hurt because I’m not able to have sex without engaging my emotions (and I suspect on some level hoped that the same would be true for the chap).

Im not sure what the answer is to that though, except trying as a society to stop selling young women (and men) the idea that being modern/progressive/cool has to mean being up for no-strings sex, and that wanting love and sex to go together is somehow frigid and repressed.

@Bobbotgegrinch I don't have any moral problem with one night stands but young women are operating under a patriarchal system often without realising it.

Sometimes young men can interpret kissing, going to a private room, inviting back to houses/beds as enthusiastic consent where honestly it might not be because young women don't understand fully that sex is expected of them. I'm not blaming young men for that but society at large. I think it is sensible for young men to explicitly ask every time. 'Do you want to fuck?' would do it. If a young woman says yes to that when they don't want to (something that I'm sure does happen sadly) I don't think you can expect a young man to be psychic about it, but if you really are advising young men they need to know that women just owning their bodies is perceived as a sexual act by the world at large and that sex is expected of women without them realising that.

@Bobbotgegrinch
You are welcome of course.
I don’t know what the answer is definitively but it’s all about communication. I think making assumptions that a woman wants the same as you is the issue, she’s perhaps assuming you want more eventually. Most humans judge others by the own standards so it makes sense for people say ‘well I was just up for casual sex and I assume my partner is too’ so all you can teach is the boys to be explicit and open about this. This gives a woman the chance to consider if they really do want to do it.

Too many women find out after the sex that the man wasn’t really up for more from them but he didn’t want to say that before sex so he didn’t get rejected and lose out on the sex.

I am not saying you did that, I don’t think it will help you to feel that your encounters were disingenuous as it sounds like you were open - but that’s rare not common. You can teach them about open communication with sexual partners, that would be helpful

No. Never.

Completely agree, ideally young people should feel able to pursue what they want and decide on their own preferences and boundaries without any shame or pressure to be one way or the other.

I think it’s great that women nowadays can be open about enjoying sex on its own terms without it needing to be something more (without the assumption that someone is having sex purely to please the dude in some way), but that doesn’t mean that we should create a new hierarchy of values in the other direction, to the detriment of people who aren’t interested in casual sex. And definitely no one should be feeling pressured to do stuff they don’t really want to.

I think it’s normal for sex to have an emotional element to it, and my experience is that even one night stands involve intimacy (even if just for the night). I also think prolonged FWB scenarios are a bad idea for the same reason, as it’s normal if you’re shagging someone continually for months or years to start developing romantic feelings for them, and I mean why fuck with your head like that if they’re someone you don’t ultimately want a relationship with?

It’s interesting you primarily made a move on these men and not the other way round, often that sort of promiscuity in young women is a sign of something else going on with them, unhappiness, loneliness, trauma, mental health issues etc, using sex to get love.

rhe incidences you describe are horrible. The man coming in and unzipping. I’m sorry you went through that,