My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

theDudesmummy

me also and I don’t like having a major lot
if them in a professional context either

Complete silence is the best response. Keep him guessing.

This. You seem very bothered for someone who doesn't care. Leave him to it, ignore it. Wish him well in your head and carry on with your week.

Definitely don't reply OP. No matter how much you think of good sentences in your head that would be appropriate, the absolute best thing you can do is ignore him.
Hopeful his weird cult course leader will say something like "those who didn't get a reply will just have to accept it and move on" which will anger him knowing you've done that!

I agree that ignoring it is the best course of action.....leave him wondering.

However I'd be tempted to reply "Sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope you can eventually find happiness" and block.

I love the PP's idea of replying to his first email before the confession saying "It's a bit strange you never followed this up but never mind, I don't need to hear whatever it was you wanted to say as I've moved. Hope you have too." Then block.

I think your first instinct to ignore is the correct one. Will drive him more mad than anything you can say.

To make yourself feel better, I'd write out a more cathartic reply or all the things you'd like to say (using some of the more amusing phrases), then rip it to pieces because he isn't worth any of your time or headspace (as far as he's concerned)

My friend received a very similar email from her ex, as part of the Alpha course. I think he considered himself now reborn as a Christian, and therefore all his wrongs and past life just didn’t count anymore.

he was also a twat.

(I’m not anti-Christian, nor against trying to turn your life around. I am against finding tools that give you permission to excuse your arse-hat behaviour).

I'm wondering if he's doing the Landmark "course". I know someone who did this and confession/apology for past wrongdoing was part of it. It's very culty.

What a selfish wanker. Defo don’t reply.

These programmes don’t seem to take into account that the victims of eg addiction often don’t want to hear from people again after they have moved on from the stress of having them in their lives.

Tell him to search for a song by Thomas Benjamin Wild Esq on YouTube and listen to to the words very very carefully, and leave it at that 👍

This seems like Scientology to me. Just delete and block him

What an incredibly self indulgent thing for him to have done - try to unsettle your life 8 years on just to get some attention. Wonder how much he’s paying the group leaders just to feel “special” - how sad.

So many things I would want to reply to a man like that. But maybe ignoring him is the worst punishment for someone craving attention and validation.

The thing that most riles these types is to be ignored and blocked, so trust your instincts.

I haven't RTFT so I expect his has been said but please please just ignore him. Don't respond, delete and move on. He's doing it for his own benefit and ego. These sorts of people are best ignored.

I have people like this - the gesture is all about them and nothing about you.

If you are really annoyed I would go back and say "your history is yours. It is the job of every human being to be accountable to themselves and carry that responsibility alone. Thanks for understanding"

I got one of these stupid little emails from a 10-years-ago ex, 6 months before I got married. Showed my now-husband and had a laugh, then debated for a few minutes whether to completely ignore or send a single laughing emoji back. Went with the completely ignore option and still enjoy the thought of him not getting the reply he wanted.

What self-indulgent claptrap.
Silence is way more powerful than words can ever be.

I’d either not reply or say something like ‘interesting that that’s the thing you feel bad about’ then block/ignore forever.

Same thing happened to me at the end of my last relationship. It was maybe only a year later, he messaged out of the blue to say he’d cheated. I blocked and didn’t respond because I didn’t care at that point.

I think hearing from people from the past is disconcerting, especially when they continue to be weird on you, even if you have moved on and aren't fussed about them in daily life.

I would not even have replied. Just ignore

Years ago I had someone who had done work for who hadn't paid me for all of it do a Brethren course to become a leader and he had to right his wrongs.

Fortunately for me that involved him having to pay me what he owed so it was worth it.

In your case this is just for him so giving him the silent treatment is the perfect solution.

He sounds like a narcissist. He wants your reaction, he would feed off it. He has seen how your life is going well and has tried to throw a hand grenade in it to cause turmoil. I would reply "ok, thanks for letting me know but it was a long time ago so it doesn't bother me but glad you got closure. All the best". Or as you say, ignore, but I would feel better sticking the knife in as he wouldn't want to hear that you aren't bothered at all and you are showing how decent you are by wishing him the best. Double whammy.

I’d have responded ‘who is this?’

Oh that is good!!!

OP, he’s a moron, but you knew that. Short, sharp, witty reply then block on everything.