My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

I'd sign his email address up to as much spammy shit as possible

That's what I thought, especially as OP mentions drugs and gambling.
Sounds like Step 9.

I agree sending anything remotely cross will just be what he's been told will happen and will somehow be a sign of something working or some bullshit. You sound like you know that ignoring it will eat him up most so that's probably the best plan.

However I wonder if a really polite, verging on thankful reply along the lines of "that's a good start, I look forward to receiving the same for the various other ways you acted without integrity". This means he can't have closure as you are pointing out other behaviours that need to be atoned for - he won't want to do this as of course as we know this about him, not you, so maybe it'd be either really frustrating as he either has to kind of grovel more, or ignore you and know he hasn't done what he's meant to as part of the course.

Personally I would just delete and get on with my life and not give him another thought.
No need for any response, that's just opening up to drama. Why enter into dialogue with him. It's not worth it.

People here must love drama with all these responses they would send. This is one reason why men like this have power over women.

The only thing that says you really don’t care and have moved on is to not reply.

Just trying to alleviate his guilt?... clear his conscience?

ha ha! that's funny.

Seriously @Seenandheard you said in your response to all the posts expressing shock ''he may have misinterpreted the assignment'' and I think ''you may have misinterpreted the assignment'' will have the effect on him that the above line might have once. he obviously thinks he's going through a period of growth and healing and bloody hell, good for him but yeh, he has definitely misinterpreted this assignment. It wasn't dump and run.

I honestly wouldn't reply. Don't give him space in your head or life.

Very probably Landmark Forum (I have had some interactions with some of their members in a a professional context, its a load of toxic narcissism). Just block him and ignore.

I'd definitely write back and say quite simply "I do not forgive you, either for the infidelity, how you treated me during our relationship and also the manner in which you have communicated this infidelity"

Don't even say another word after that and they block! Don't give him the satisfaction of this "closure"

This

i think the briefest reply/thumbs up or radio silence are the best responses.

Because of the new mindset of these people, any negative reaction you give will be seen as a sign that you are not as self advanced as them or also need to be on the programme

Oh god, I got a letter apologising but it was from …my narcissistic mother.

Inspired by AA. it perplexed me & left me feeling … empty. It was mostly about her. With some “IF” I messed up your life type things, thrown in (ie by being a raving alcoholic while you were a child) etc etc.

Basically, narcissists will never get it. It came as a letter (I was aged 20 something, it was the 90s) so I never actually replied (emails cld be trickier since more immediate!). She never called to discuss it. It did feel like some weird self supporting confession.

Anyway he sounds like a complete twat. ignore him op. You’re doing the right thing!

I hate this kind of cathartic cleansing for people who have been carrying a guilty secret, the thought that they can get rid of that guilt by dumping it on the person who didn’t know about it. In their search for “considering a case closed”, they put trauma and turmoil on people who weren’t expecting it. Utterly selfish.

Such wankery by your ex!

Agree with you that no reply seems best.

All these responses are almost as pathetic as his email. If he knew you had posted here and had other women thinking up responses, he’d love it. It’s how men like this operate.

Ignore him. You’ve moved on. Act like it.

Oh give over 🙄

I agree with don't reply. This exchange doesn't have anything for you to gain, only him. What a prick

Charity donation 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

I'd reply "sorry, although I recognise your name, I can't recall where I know you from"!

I know what this is op https://www.landmarkworldwide.com/the-landmark-forum
I actually did the initial course. You have to contact someone you are out of integrity with and "clean up your mess"
I didn't, and didn't go back but the wording he uses is this same.
I remember the example of an ex youve cheated on and thought i wouldnt like to get that call. It's a very strange cult like group.

Block him.

This is all in the past and you owe him nothing, not even a short response.

Whatever course or therapy he is doing, you don't need to get involved.

He just sounds like a self-centred fool who is trying to make himself feel better without caring about/thinking of the impact this might have on others.

Good on you for moving on from him and building yourself a good life while he still seems to still live a chaotic and bizarre life...

There are some very good witty replies on here if that's what you want. I agree that radio silence is probably the best thing though. What a dick, just be smug in the knowledge you are well rid!

I would say nothing and believe me, I love having the last word. Silence will leave him always wondering if you received his self indulgent twatty nonsense “confession.”

Hw sounds incredibly self important and arrogant. He’ll hate never knowing!

Ew is he doing the landmark forum ?

id also be tempted to simply not reply

It’s the most powerful way

It sounds like a very poor performative version of the AA 8th and 9th steps which are

8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

1. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

He seems to be heeding all of it apart the second clause of #9.

I wouldn't feed his ego by responding. Delete it, block him as a contact and move on.