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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

297 replies

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:34

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

OP posts:
TammyJones · 08/11/2023 06:17

Swimeveryday · 07/11/2023 22:50

Sounds like the 12 steps to me. I would lay it to rest say thanks and request no contact and ask him to respect your wish for no contact.

Edited

This is probably what I'd do....

lilsupersparks · 08/11/2023 06:17

‘My advice is to give up now as I can’t imagine you will ever succeed at acting with integrity. Please don’t contact me to try and get absolution for all the other horrible things you did during our ‘relationship’ - I am really not interested.’

BottleShipDown · 08/11/2023 06:18

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 08/11/2023 06:16

I think if you’re that bothered by it there no harm in replying and exerting your boundaries.

’I realise that this is something you are expected to do for your course, however if you are going to enter into this fully you probably ought to actually apologise for all the other stuff you did (give examples). However I won’t be opening any further emails from you because I’m happily married and all this is in the past. I would however, suggest that you reflect on why you are contacting someone that you haven’t spoken to for years to own up to something just because you’ve been told to. As I say, I’m married and this holds no interest for me at all, but someone else could have been very badly affected by this. If you are truly acting with integrity, I would suggest that you could start by thinking about them first rather than risk upsetting someone for your own ego / ends.’

Hear hear.

And then block him.

TammyJones · 08/11/2023 06:23

Mumeries · 07/11/2023 22:59

He’s doing this for himself not you
delete it and try to forget about it

Keep your dignity
Ignore
Anything else is tit for tat and you're doing great.
Don't get dragged back into this or sink to his level.
Stay moved on.
If you're truly over this- its all irrelevant.
If you feel you need to come back with a witty / clever reply , maybe you're not as moved on as you thought and need to do some inner work?

SiouxWarrior · 08/11/2023 06:29

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:51

Bizarre, right? It's so strange. Almost like he got his homework and thought "oh, I know a great one! A neat little confession and apology. Tick. Now I am a person with integrity". Either he misinterpreted the task or his course is fucking stupid.

The reason I don't want to reply is because I fear his course leaders will/ have said that there will be anger and hurt from all the people he contacts, and that's ok as it is part of the process. Whereas if I go with total radio silence, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. And that will eat at him slowly, I just know him.

But venting here feels sooooooooo good

Agreed! Silence is best here. Any other response will just play to his advantage and be a perceived successful outcome for him. Keep him guessing!

TiredOldLady · 08/11/2023 06:30

From AA

"Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

"Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

An AA sponsor would not condone his contacting you. His program sounds like a wanky watered-down version designed to part him from his money and make him feel good about himself.

HoppingPavlova · 08/11/2023 06:30

‘I’m sorry to hear you are in a cult, please take care. Best wishes for the future - Seenandheard’.

Original poster
Seenandheard · 08/11/2023 06:36

@OldPerson of course I told my husband, it was one of the first things I did. Do read all of my replies...

@ChocolateCakeOverspill this is a great reply. If I were going to, I'd use this.

Wow some funny replies here, had made me smile. Thanks everyone for being incredulous on my behalf ❤️

OP posts:
Darhon · 08/11/2023 06:37

I’d just reply ‘it’s not really a surprise, given you were a complete and utter shit. Even doing this over email years later is evidence that you remain a complete and utter shit. I was relieved to be rid of you and even more so now. Please don’t contact me again’.

ChristmasCrumpet · 08/11/2023 06:40

bossybloss · 07/11/2023 22:40

Or “ I cheated on you too so we are evens, get over it”

Sorry, I don't usually get petty and lie, but this is the absolute perfect response to this prat.

Elderflower14 · 08/11/2023 06:40

Darhon · 08/11/2023 06:37

I’d just reply ‘it’s not really a surprise, given you were a complete and utter shit. Even doing this over email years later is evidence that you remain a complete and utter shit. I was relieved to be rid of you and even more so now. Please don’t contact me again’.

This.... Absolutely send this!!!!!

MeMySonAnd1 · 08/11/2023 06:50

I would reply by saying “I cannot believe you are disrupting my day with a confession I don’t care about. I however feel that you are still a wanker because even in these “confessions” you are only thinking about yourself and nothing will undo that or change your selfish nature” (and then block)

AnImaginaryCat · 08/11/2023 06:50

It's no AA. He's not making amends.

I think you need to compose a reply. i know you say you already have, but physically write it down. Doesn't matter if it makes sense or isn't one of the suggested one up manship suggestion on the thread. Get everything his email has made you feel off your chest. Put it in a envelope and seal it.

Then send a reply like @ChocolateCakeOverspill suggests. Set out boundaries rather than trying to hurt him or get one back - none of the other suggested replies will be as an affective revenge because nothing can be. He's too self centred. Set out boundaries.

Delete his email. Block him if you can. Then burn then envelope. Put it in an envelope.

Make it a mini ritual. It'll give you closure to what he's selfishly opened up.

Your husband sounds like a good one, and your in a good place but the past can still hurt you so there's nothing wrong with actively putting this man in the past.

8misskitty8 · 08/11/2023 06:52

Don’t reply. Block/mute/filter as spam his email address so you won’t get any more.

Up to you if you want to reply first telling him to get lost first.

My friend did something similar to me recently and we’ve had a minor disagreement over it.
Messaged to ask if I heard about my ex. (Last seen almost 25 years ago) He apparently just got married, big event.
However it’s his 4th wedding.
Why would I want to know ?

coodawoodashooda · 08/11/2023 06:54

Pinkbonbon · 07/11/2023 22:46

I'd go with laughing emoji, 'wtf?' Another laughing emoji and then a middle finger emoji. 😆 wtf xD🖕

Nah. Thumbs up.

Pudmyboy · 08/11/2023 06:57

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:51

Bizarre, right? It's so strange. Almost like he got his homework and thought "oh, I know a great one! A neat little confession and apology. Tick. Now I am a person with integrity". Either he misinterpreted the task or his course is fucking stupid.

The reason I don't want to reply is because I fear his course leaders will/ have said that there will be anger and hurt from all the people he contacts, and that's ok as it is part of the process. Whereas if I go with total radio silence, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. And that will eat at him slowly, I just know him.

But venting here feels sooooooooo good

As you know him you know the best thing to do which is brilliant. Interesting that he picked this unknown event and not something from the grand selection of known bad behaviour.... wonder if there were suggestions on the sort of things to 'apologise' for...
I had heard of this sort of 'righting wrongs' 12-step stuff which sounds great in principle but yours and others responses has shown it actually isn't, can just be a tick-box ego massage and nothing about atonement.....

Swoonworthy · 08/11/2023 07:03

He’s a very distant ex and a horrible one at that. I don’t think you should have replied to the first email. Definitely don’t reply to this one. You’re thinking of him, that could be part of the aim, along with opening up communication. The leadership course could be made up. Even if it’s true, life doesn’t work that way...confess all the bad stuff and all us ok. 🙄

He was a loser, he still sounds like a loser. You’ve moved on and life is good for you. The end.

Fannyfiggs · 08/11/2023 07:07

I would email:

Fuck off, you absolute loser 😂

HarrietStyles · 08/11/2023 07:09

TeenLifeMum · 07/11/2023 23:00

I’d send a load of laughing emojis with the comment “let’s add it to the long list of shitty behaviour from you during our relationship. I learned a long time ago that you’re not a very nice person so it’s great to hear you’ve reached the same conclusion. Good luck with being less of a dick in the future.”

I would have to send this - absolutely perfect.
I couldn’t not reply.

bonzaitree · 08/11/2023 07:10

You’ve got some cracking responses on here. Just to add you sound like a happy nice normal person who loves life and he sounds mental.

don’t let him bring you down.

AliceOlive · 08/11/2023 07:10

I would be tempted to write, “Bob this is really sad. You won’t learn integrity from an overpriced class. You certainly aren’t demonstrating it by disrupting people’s lives to remind them of your past bad behavior. If it’s not too late, I’d rethink sending any more emails like this to people who have surely moved on. Most people will simply see it as another self-serving act in your part.”

Channellingsophistication · 08/11/2023 07:14

What a horrible thing for him to do. This course he is doing does not sound like a Work thing at all.

I would also be tempted to reply. He is seeking absolution which he doesn’t deserve. I think Harriet styles suggests a great reply. Send and then can you block his email address so he can’t reply back to you.

Theunamedcat · 08/11/2023 07:14

Set up an auto response to your email to bounce back anything he sends

ooooahhh · 08/11/2023 07:16

@Seenandheard why would you want to "eat him slowly"?! That's vile. Seems to me things may a little more toxic with you than you have led people to believe.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 08/11/2023 07:16

Seenandheard · 07/11/2023 22:51

Bizarre, right? It's so strange. Almost like he got his homework and thought "oh, I know a great one! A neat little confession and apology. Tick. Now I am a person with integrity". Either he misinterpreted the task or his course is fucking stupid.

The reason I don't want to reply is because I fear his course leaders will/ have said that there will be anger and hurt from all the people he contacts, and that's ok as it is part of the process. Whereas if I go with total radio silence, HE WILL NEVER KNOW. And that will eat at him slowly, I just know him.

But venting here feels sooooooooo good

Don't reply. No response is a response. A powerful one.