My very long ago ex just emailed me to say that...

[Seenandheard]

He cheated on me. Once only, at the tail end of a flagging relationship, 14 years ago.

Our relationship was so up and down. He treated me unbelievably badly for 4 years (he had a drug and gambling habit that he hid well for ages), and I could write pages of his wrongdoings here. Seriously shitty behaviour that deeply hurt me, over and over again. I was a fool to keep going back to him but.... he was super charismatic, I was young and we were (initially) in love.

Anyway thank goodness my life is absolutely incredible now. My work, home, family, husband.. I'm so lucky. The stars have aligned. I have often wondered about ex but in an abstract way (if I hear certain music). I don't devote time to thinking about him. I know he is a lost soul and I was never sure he would ever find contentment or happiness.

So the email. Out of the blue. Last contact 8 years ago. But now he is on a leadership course where they have act with 100% integrity and to own their past mistakes. His longer explanation made me think he is in some kind of sad, overpriced bullshit course/cult in the USA (i believe he lives there). He has to contact everyone where he acted "out of integrity" to discuss and apologise. So this comes out.
I mean what the actual fuck? I genuinely don't care about the cheating. Its shitty behaviour but it's so far in the past it doesn't even feel like it happened to to me. Our relationship was not good at that point. But why this single event, when he had literally hundreds to pick from? Why does he think it appropriate to confess to something I had no suspicions of at the time - out of the blue - and then run? His last paragraph was "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed"

I'm not a priest hearing his confession!! Oh my god I hate him so much for being such a total tosser. i just want to reach out and slap him, tell him he is doing things all wrong.Thinking this was a normal or appropriate thing to do! Aaaargh!

I responded to his initial brief feeler email saying "what do you want, I have no need to dredge up the past" and then he sent the second confession email.

I can only see the best response now is absolutely silence, right? Always leave him wondering, and hopefully NOT gaining full closure. If he is like he used to be, this will drive him crazy.

But I wanted to vent on here and see if anyone else thinks this is as nuts as I do?? Or is it a genuinely good thing he tried to do?

I was about to say the same.

” I think you must have confused me with someone else”

(The ‘someone else’ that many years ago would have been gutted to hear this but is now so much happier without you in their life and has moved on completely)

Wow - what a crappy and conceited email to recieve out of the blue. OP I totally applaud your response, or resolve not to respond further and just vent here. It's been great reading all the responses. I honestly think you will ultimately feel best if you just ignore him and delete the message.

I have a similar cheating ex from about 12 years ago... every so often for a few years after we broke up he would send me a text or a photo of places we'd been together. I never replied I just deleted the messages and after a few messages I blocked him. I'd moved on, got married, had kids etc but his messages kind of de-railed me even just for half day - how dare he???

Delete and block. That's the best final word.

You are so lucky to be rid of this man.
You reaped what you deserved and he is still focussed on himself ... a complete sad, selfish, tosser.
Don't waste another thought on him.

Don't reply. This is all to do with his guilt and some bullshit course, it's nothing to do with you.

I will ignore, delete and move on. This is history, don’t waste time on it; you said you have a wonderful life now, focus on that

Actually, thinking about it, if you replied that you don’t forgive him and on the Day of Judgement, you know he will have to stand in front of a much higher authority and atone for his sins and/or spend eternity in hell, would that send him into free fall on the feel good about yourself Alpha Course?

“Oh don’t worry at all, it’s quite understandable. At the time you were obviously lacking confidence in bed, and I was too young to know how to help you improve. Happily, I now know what a really good sexual partnership feels like, I’m very glad we both moved on.

Sorry to hear you’re at a place in your life where you feel the need to revisit the past. I hope it improves for you soon”

then block

I've not read all of the replies but it would have been good to reply initially with just a simple "sorry, who is this??" haha!

I think silence is maybe best as you say, or else I like @ChocolateCakeOverspill reply!

I hate this kind of shit. It is a massive bugbear if mine that various addiction programs include this atoning bullshit with zero consideration of the recipient. It is utterly selfish to disrupt anyone's life to clear your own conscience

I am loving the funny replies on here. But: you have a great life now and he is beneath you, I don't think he deserves any of your attention or headspace. I think no response is powerful, but if you respond at all you could just reply 'Do not contact me again' then block him.

It's obviously ALL ABOUT HIM still.
If you wanted to contact someone to apologise for something many years later then you commit to opening up a dialogue where you also LISTEN to what they have to say (if they wish to). Not 'I did X, I'm apologising now, convo closed'.
That is just dumping your guilt on your 'victim' & running away. Sad little man.

I’m late to this thread but agree that it sounds more like part of the 12 steps programme (which he’s not wanted to admit to so has phrased differently). Years ago my Mum got a call on her landline from one of my brothers ex-girlfriends wanting my Mum to pass on her apologies to him as part of her addiction recovery programme. The relationship was years in the past!!! I think it’s a weird concept to promote - rather selfish in a way to risk dredge up other people’s feelings re the past to make yourself feel better….or is it just to make themselves feel more relevant🤷🏼‍♀️

I know this is not good advice and also incredibly childish, but I would be so tempted to reply and ‘confess’ that you cheated on him too and that his e-mail has paved the way for you to tell him this and assuage your guilty conscience 😂 I’d then love to be a fly on the wall when he reads your message and see the arrogant toad crumple! 👊

Wow I never thought I would get such a response to this. It seems that my baffled/mildly outraged feelings are shared by more than a few of you. I'm sorry for those who have had their lives derailed by similar things in the past. Happily for me this is more of a 24 hour eye roll/WTF feeling then it shall pass, but this had been very therapeutic.

I still resolve not to reply.

I almost want to post his short shitty confession and apology on here too! He prefaced out by saying he was keeping it brief (based on how I had said I wasn't interested/nothing was unresolved for me. Yes I perhaps shouldn't have taken the bait at all, but his reference to "clearing up a matter" had piqued my interest!) But it still lacks any remorse in compassion, thus adding to my suspicion of a tick box exercise. Or, more likely perhaps, his wanting to bait me further so I talk on the phone as he originally wanted.....

I just find this all rather interesting at this point. I am glad to have heard of the landmark on here- sounds likely and has maybe provided me with clarity.

I'll have forgotten by the end of the week. But thanks all!

Is he really on AA or other treatment for his addictions where they advise you to own and apologise for your own past behaviour?
Great for him but not no much for the person whose past he has just dredged up and upset again.

There seems to be this sick fucking trend among therapists and therapy groups at the moment where they encourage abusers to reach out to their victims, no matter how long it's been, to apologize/confess/absolve themselves so they can continue their path to redemption or some absolute BS.

The fact that actual, licensed professional mental health practitioners are encouraging this, knowing that victims of domestic abuse could AT BEST be set back DECADES in their recovery and AT WORST it opens up a channel of communication where a victim is open to manipulation by an abuser. It's absolutely disgusting as a practice and should be abolished altogether.

Sounds like AA, yep, no consideration for the person on the receiving end. All addicts are narcissists, the whole world either revolves around supporting their addiction or supporting their recovery. He s got mental health issues, just don't respond.

Is he locking for to you to say he forgives him or something to ease his conscious.

If you don’t forgive him just say that, but if you think the substance abuse was behind a lot of his behaviour maybe he wasn’t totally to blame……I don’t know

Sounds like he is doing something like the 12 steps

I'd want to say,

'How exactly does dragging up all the shitty things you've done in your past and dumping them on people make you a person of integrity?'

But if he's trying to get clean then at least he's doing something positive so I'd just reply, 'ok' and let him take that however he wanted.

It was landmark my ex was on. I'd forgotten what the programme was. I think it's so irresponsible and thoughtless. The insincere apology actually brought back a lot of pain for me. I was angry he had literally no thought of the impact on me.

Sounds like AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). They encourage you to contact friends/family/colleagues to apologise for past shitty behaviour. It's part of the 12 steps programme and supposed to support the alcoholic's healing process. Not sure it's that helpful for the recipients though.

@Lwrenagain is spot on by saying it's an offload of guilt.

It sounds like he is on a landmark course. I recall an old acquaintance confessing his sins as part of the process.

I had an ex do this, messaged me more than 15 years later to say that he should apologise for his terrible behaviour towards me during our relationship (he was a total shit bag, who cheated constantly and gas lit me, we were only teenagers then) and that he was a different person now. His then wife had died 3 weeks previously, leaving him with their 2 small children. What struck me in his message was that a) he didn't actually apologise or b) he was exactly the same as he had always been. He married a woman he met at a conference in the US with 3 kids less than 5 months after his wife died.

I didn't respond to his message at all, he didn't deserve any of my time, just like your ex doesn't deserve any of your time at all. Its firmly in the past where it should stay.

Exactly. The sheer arrogance of his last statement: "I can now consider this matter, and the past, closed" is revealing. It is all on his terms and about what's good for him isn't it?

OP he is not worth the effort of anyone trying to see into his head or his motivations - best to just ignore him. Your intended response (none) is perfect.