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Relationships

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Do all men cheat?

300 replies

Sundance03 · 06/11/2023 18:44

I see a lot of posts on MN about DH affairs and cheating. It makes me nervous... I don't think my DH has ever cheated.. at least that I know of. Am I very naive in thinking that there are men that do not cheat out there?

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 09/11/2023 15:04

@acpk55 cheating surveys must be very tricky.

Are the liars telling the truth?

acpk55 · 09/11/2023 15:09

FairyMaclary · 09/11/2023 15:04

@acpk55 cheating surveys must be very tricky.

Are the liars telling the truth?

Indeed

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 15:09

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 14:52

@FunkyKittens

We have indeed developed contraception but it is mostly used by women to choose when to have babies, rather than whether to have them at all. Women can now wait until their finances are more favourable, or they have a suitable place to live for example. It also enables them to have just 2 children rather than 17. Very few women, even in this day and age, remain childfree through choice. You seem determined to dismiss the evolutionary urges of the human race. My apologies if you are religious and believe we were created in God's image but I do not. I will reiterate, men and women are nothing more than clever monkeys whose main purpose is to procreate.

@ginasevern
Another reductive and frankly insulting view of human beings. I can't help wondering who hurt you.

The truth is that no-one knows what men and women's main purpose might be or even if they have one. Some people make art, some people philosophise, some people invent tools and technology. But if sex is the only thing you can think of well it's no wonder you think it dominates everything.

If the only tool you have is a hammer then everything starts to look like a nail.

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 15:15

@FunkyKittens

All species (including plant life) is programmed to procreate. Of course it's our main purpose. There wouldn't be any life otherwise. If there was no life then art, philosophy, hammers and nails would be irrelevant. We have to procreate. Even if you are religious (I rather suspect you might be) all of the 5 monotheist scriptures tell us to multiply.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 15:21

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 15:15

@FunkyKittens

All species (including plant life) is programmed to procreate. Of course it's our main purpose. There wouldn't be any life otherwise. If there was no life then art, philosophy, hammers and nails would be irrelevant. We have to procreate. Even if you are religious (I rather suspect you might be) all of the 5 monotheist scriptures tell us to multiply.

What you call evolutionary biology is nothing more than the desire for sensual gratification.

Do you think someone who eats too much at a free buffet is storing up fat in case of a famine?

I'm not going to get in to the religious thing or your cod analysis except to say that you are as inaccurate about that as you are with your "spread his seed" nonsense. Men like sex because it feels nice, not because they want to spread their seed. And it doesn't feel so nice that they can't choose where and when and with whom they have it. Same for women.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 09/11/2023 15:23

I suspect that, given the opportunities and especially if no chance of getting caught, that a sizeable number of men (and maybe women) would cheat.
To me watching porn is a type of cheating too, men seem to think that women should put up with them watching it.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:29

@SallyWD Scary that you think he wouldn't be able to resist temptation! You should feel secure that any woman could offer it and he'd stay loyal.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:32

But men are wired for that, even if they don't consciously think "I must spread my seed" that's what testosterone is for, to make sure they are driven to whereas women don't feel it like that.
Many men control their urges and can stop themselves being sleazy.. many let it run free.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 15:37

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:32

But men are wired for that, even if they don't consciously think "I must spread my seed" that's what testosterone is for, to make sure they are driven to whereas women don't feel it like that.
Many men control their urges and can stop themselves being sleazy.. many let it run free.

That's what they tell you.

It aint true. But there are plenty of women who would love to have sex but don't exist for men because they don't meet the looks criteria.

Please stop pretending they can't help themselves. It's embarrassing to read and belittling both for men and for women.

Shall we pretend that short skirts and cleavage are the reasons why men can't help themselves raping as well?

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:41

@FunkyKittens What on earth.. Are you just denying biology? You'll be telling us you believe the earth is flat next.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 15:42

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:32

But men are wired for that, even if they don't consciously think "I must spread my seed" that's what testosterone is for, to make sure they are driven to whereas women don't feel it like that.
Many men control their urges and can stop themselves being sleazy.. many let it run free.

Oh God. Not the myth of the power of testosterone....

Are you sure you're not an MRA? They all go on about how they're in thrall to their testosterone.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/11/2023 15:44

Of course not. But the women married to the men who don't cheat don't post updates saying "husband still hasn't cheated, we're happy and all is well!"

Don't use social media posts as a yardstick to measure your relationship against because it's not a representation of the average, but the worst

This is what i was going to say, but this post summed it up perfectly.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:52

@FunkyKittens Oh my god.. and no I'm not.. if you read my previous posts you can see I can't stand various aspects of men and I've decided to stay single as a result. I like the men friends/family in my life so I have to constantly fight to not let this stuff bother me. So the opposite of what you're accusing me of.
To deny the power of testosterone is dangerous.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 15:56

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:41

@FunkyKittens What on earth.. Are you just denying biology? You'll be telling us you believe the earth is flat next.

Perhaps if you could provide a link to a peer reviewed paper from a reputable researcher that shows that men are unable to control with whom and where and when they have sex because of their evolutionary urges then perhaps someone will take you seriously.

Right now it sounds like you've been reading too many posts on Reddit and claiming an authority you simply don't have.

Lili132 · 09/11/2023 15:59

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:41

@FunkyKittens What on earth.. Are you just denying biology? You'll be telling us you believe the earth is flat next.

Biology also designed women to have sex with strongest male and change partners to ensure healthy pregnancy and variety of genes. Biology also predispose us to discriminate people who look different and to be agresive. Non of it makes it OK and non of it means as humans we don't have higher goals, reason and understanding that go beyond our biology.
Human women don't get knocked up every time they ovulate. Majority have less children then they "need" due to reason. Increasing number of young women want no children at all as they want to prioritise other pursuits because as humans they have choices and goals that compete with biology.

Humans are also extremely complex and adaptable creatures. Our babies are very vulnerable and require huge investment compared to other animals. That's why we have tribes, pair bonding. That's why we're the only species to have sex not just for procreation and we have always regulated our birth rates with herbs and even in extreme cases infanticide.
Any reductionist view of human nature is just that - reductionist.

There are many men who don't cheat. I'm sorry you never came across one and you have to somehow explain your bad luck with biology.

NotNormal78 · 09/11/2023 16:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SallyWD · 09/11/2023 16:02

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 15:29

@SallyWD Scary that you think he wouldn't be able to resist temptation! You should feel secure that any woman could offer it and he'd stay loyal.

I feel the same about all men, not just DH! They're all animals. Haha! Just joking to an extent but I do think the male sex drive is incredibly strong.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 16:16

@Lili132 I literally said in an earlier post that there are plenty of men who aren't ruled by it, aren't sleazy and wouldn't cheat 😂 I've met them, I've been in relationships with them.
And I agree that they should be able to control it. They are driven by it but we are intelligent creatures who shouldn't be ruled by it. Men have a responsibility to not do bad things as a result of these hormones no matter how strong they are.
I don't get why you are arguing with me

I'm addressing my messages to the poster who denies biology and that testosterone is a powerful hormone that exists to make us reproduce.

Lili132 · 09/11/2023 16:28

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 16:16

@Lili132 I literally said in an earlier post that there are plenty of men who aren't ruled by it, aren't sleazy and wouldn't cheat 😂 I've met them, I've been in relationships with them.
And I agree that they should be able to control it. They are driven by it but we are intelligent creatures who shouldn't be ruled by it. Men have a responsibility to not do bad things as a result of these hormones no matter how strong they are.
I don't get why you are arguing with me

I'm addressing my messages to the poster who denies biology and that testosterone is a powerful hormone that exists to make us reproduce.

Ah sorry. I confused you with ginasevern. My mistake.

Pastryapronsucks · 09/11/2023 16:39

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 11:54

@Disturbia81

That's exactly it. Men have been programmed over thousands of years to spread their seed and therefore to have sex with as many women as possible. If they see an opportunity, they will seize it. They view the act of sex completely differently to the way most women feel about it. They can easily detach emotions of love, loyalty and hurt. It is only the fear of getting caught that troubles them.

Unless its their partner cheating on them. Men are far less likely to forgive sexual infidelity. I remember many many many years ago, my ex partner was a serial cheat. Each time he claimed it meant nothing, until had a 1 night stand, he was furious, neat the snot out of the fellow an ended our relationship.

Lili132 · 09/11/2023 17:56

Pastryapronsucks · 09/11/2023 16:39

Unless its their partner cheating on them. Men are far less likely to forgive sexual infidelity. I remember many many many years ago, my ex partner was a serial cheat. Each time he claimed it meant nothing, until had a 1 night stand, he was furious, neat the snot out of the fellow an ended our relationship.

I'm a woman and I have zero tolerance for cheating. It shows lack of discipline, lack of respect and hedonistic tendencies. Very unattractive in a partner.

RandomForest · 09/11/2023 18:25

Of the men I've known who appeared to be faithful, that is still in very loving marriages till death and both parties thinking each one was faithful, they tended to have a male that was not incredibly social with many friends.
Their wives tended to be their best friend and they didn't seem to have a desire for many male friends, they were also not overly ambitious, were not crazy about team sports and didn't favour public drinking in groups with other men.

Whether or not pack behaviour comes into mens promiscuity I don't know, but peer pressure and a definite fighting for the best looking girl in any given situation probably pushes these men to compete with one another.

The less competitive men seemed, more stable, more reliable, trustworthy and better friends to their wives.

So no I don't think all men do cheat, or all women, I think there are many men who are capable of turning down sex, but most of these men are the type for the boundaries to be set in place well before it gets to the proposition stage.

It is difficullt I should imagine being this type of man with strong morals and boundaries as there's usually quite a bit of flack thrown at them from alpha males of being under the thumb and doormats, when it's nothing of the sort, they just respect their wives, through friendship and love. To be a stand alone man with peer pressure from others is I imagine difficult in a man's world, but these men as they go into old age seem to have the best of family life, respect and love of the wife, children and grandchildren.

You can see the one's who have done it right, not all men are shits.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 19:01

If we're going to use the term alpha males can we maybe change the definition so it doesn't mean domineering men who want positions of authority and change it to mean kind and decent men who earn loyalty by being loving.

Or perhaps we can agree that the a in alpha stands for arsehole.

Zanatdy · 09/11/2023 19:05

Definitely not. Although I’m not with my ex DP anymore I don’t think he would have ever cheated on me. No-one can ever be 100% sure, but not all men are cheats. I mean he had plenty of other negatives, hence he’s my ex, but cheating wasn’t on there. Admittedly, cheating might have been easier to forgive than what split us in the end

Lili132 · 09/11/2023 20:08

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 19:01

If we're going to use the term alpha males can we maybe change the definition so it doesn't mean domineering men who want positions of authority and change it to mean kind and decent men who earn loyalty by being loving.

Or perhaps we can agree that the a in alpha stands for arsehole.

Alpha term applies in species where all males fight with competing males and the ones who win, are the strongest get a position of an alpha and access to females.
I have no idea how that is supposed to apply to humans and I agree that term is really pointless. Those cheating men don't cheat because they are "alpha", they cheat because they have low moralrs and often low self esteem.