Page 12 | Do all men cheat?

WandaWonder · 20/11/2023 10:11

Sundance03 · 06/11/2023 18:44

I see a lot of posts on MN about DH affairs and cheating. It makes me nervous... I don't think my DH has ever cheated.. at least that I know of. Am I very naive in thinking that there are men that do not cheat out there?

I presume you father, grandfather, uncle, brother/s, etc. All cheated with that thinking

LadyBird1973 · 20/11/2023 12:26

I don't think all men cheat. I don't believe my father would. But I know one of my grandfathers did and my brother has, in a previous relationship (I don't think he'd do it again now he's married to someone else though). He was surprised about my brother - he's generally lovely, so you never can tell. Mind, I think ex sister in law also cheated. I reckon lots of people are quietly at it, it's just not common knowledge

LadyBird1973 · 20/11/2023 12:29

Logically, these cheaters are people's parents, siblings, grandparents

BeardJumper · 20/11/2023 13:31

@FairyMaclary great name btw - thanks for the reads. To be honest intimacy is not a problem, we talk and share but sex is something that just stopped for her after our youngest was born. You're right though I need to have the conversation about this with her. I have never wanted to speak about it because well I just thought it was bad luck for person who has a sex drive. Maybe it was just something I did or didn't do that put her off it. I need to talk to her, I see it as an impossible situation.

FairyMaclary · 20/11/2023 16:02

Try the 8 dates book as well. It’s excellent. I read them annually - I see them like an MOT - an annual necessity 😂.

You may see where you can improve something or change something but it brings everything up into the open in a very positive way. And combines it with fun and it’s out of routine.

FrancisSeaton · 20/11/2023 17:09

Thewookiemustgo · 11/11/2023 14:46

@Susieb2023 same here, absolutely agree. OW was allegedly in a dying relationship with the partner she was living with when she met my husband, she wanted children but was late thirties with potentially no partner. My husband thinks he actually could have been anybody wealthy with the right lifestyle. He wasn’t entirely sure he was her first attempt. Age didn’t bother her, long stable marital status didn’t bother her, his having kids didn’t bother her, in fact they were plusses, all the things she wanted in a partner. She didn’t care, we were just obstacles to be removed. The more she got suspicious of his future faking, the more this became apparent and the scales started to fall from his eyes as well as hers.
His fault, he was to blame, but her pursuit was pretty relentless also. He said his phone got bombarded at weekends and in the evenings with photos and texts, realised it was to make sure she pushed herself into any time he spent with me and the kids. She wasn’t going to let him forget about her whilst he was enjoying himself with me and/ or our kids. She knew we shared a bed and told him she really didn’t like it/ understand it if our marriage was that bad. Duh! 🙄
He texted on the train but never at home unless he was on his own because I was out with the kids. He was extremely careful. He’d read it all and reply on the train next morning on his way to work. He’d killed all notifications from text and WhatsApp to his phone at those times, so it just pinged with emails and calls came through (he knew she’d never call him without texting to see if the coast was clear) to make it look to me like his phone was working as normal. If it was always totally on silent it would have seemed odd. I never looked at it as I had no suspicions. He’d then export the chats to an email address and delete them from his phone.
He arranged dinner etc but she booked hotels during the week and kept trying to arrange holidays or weekends away. They both drove it and pursued it. He eventually agreed to one Saturday overnighter, which was when I found out.
Pursuit is a two way street usually, and a choice, nobody is a hapless manipulated victim of it, both parties could stop at any time.

The pursuit/ game playing adds to the thrill of the affair on both sides. I think the OW’s pursuit gets played down on MN, because it’s always used as a cry to say that people think that men are poor innocent victims of evil manipulative OW and sound like an excuse of their behaviour. Cheating men are no victims, absolutely not, but to suggest OW don’t also pursue them and know exactly what they are doing is nonsense. Cheating men find the pursuit by OW part of the flattery and ego stroking, and they know that too. Two way street usually.

Lol yet it sounds like you are still with him?
He also enabled her to do all this don't forget

MaxTalk · 20/11/2023 17:21

Holidayhell22 · 19/11/2023 21:46

I think women are far more reluctant to admit to cheating. The same as they shave off the number of men they have had sex with. All my close female friends have not admitted to how many people they have had sex with to their husbands. I bet men don’t do this.
I have a friend and her family still don’t know she met her dh when he was married. They never will know the truth either.
I don’t think anyone knows the real numbers.

It's the rule of 3 surely..

Thewookiemustgo · 20/11/2023 18:03

@FrancisSeaton I was replying to @Susieb2023 had said, which was about the behaviour of the OW. I could wax equally lyrical about my husband’s appalling behaviour during the affair, but that wasn’t the context here.
My husband was to blame for the affair and I have never, ever blamed her.
Her conduct, however, was her own choice and didn’t cover her in glory either.
Cheating men are never victims, they are to blame and could stop at any time, as I said, but the idea that all OW are all hapless victims and never also pursue the affair relationship is nonsense.
Enjoy the “lol” my post gave you, it is usually far from a laughing matter, leads to mental health issues and in one case I know about it led to a suicide. It is the very worst time outside of the death of a child in any betrayed partners’ lives.

FairyMaclary · 20/11/2023 19:00

I agree with @Thewookiemustgo I also think people really need to understand the true impact of infidelity on the mental health of victims and their children. And in some cases the perpetrators. It is a form of abuse and should be seen as such. It causes ptsd.

I dare not think how much it costs the U.K. in treatment, counselling, lost man hours etc. But while it is portrayed as Romeo and Juliet style love in the media and people think meeting a persons needs stops infidelity the destruction infidelity causes will continue.

There are some good books out there (many of which can be read in a few hours) that would enable people to be more clued up and provide the correct support to friends and family affected by infidelity. You may be the one person in someone’s life that makes them see a small crack of light.

I hope victims understand they did not cause it and they couldn’t stop it. It’s a poor choice made by a person with no self respect, poor integrity and low self worth. Meeting someone’s needs by kissing them each morning and speaking their love language does not give someone the values of integrity, loyalty and commitment. Just like cheating doesn’t make your marriage better - it’s like blowing up the house to fix the leaky guttering.

Until a cheater chooses to understand their character flaws, understand exactly why they thought cheating was a good choice and then take time to address the reasons they are an unsafe partner and not one to spend your precious life with.

RandomForest · 20/11/2023 19:07

Lol yet it sounds like you are still with him?
He also enabled her to do all this don't forget

Lol, you sound nice.

Why the need to be so rude to someone who clearly has been through trauma.

Susieb2023 · 20/11/2023 19:14

What an unnecessary and sneering response @FrancisSeaton Wookie’s answer was in response to my comment which was around why people choose each other for affairs. It’s so tiring and extremely dull to see the same old ‘your husbands worse’ trope trotted out as if you’re being ‘so edgy’ with the lol to boot! And on a thread where the vast majority of people are being respectful, thoughtful and reflective. Wookie doesn’t need to be told her husband did something awful, she lives it EVERY day!

You’ve not covered yourself in glory here.

FrancisSeaton · 20/11/2023 23:19

Thewookiemustgo · 20/11/2023 18:03

@FrancisSeaton I was replying to @Susieb2023 had said, which was about the behaviour of the OW. I could wax equally lyrical about my husband’s appalling behaviour during the affair, but that wasn’t the context here.
My husband was to blame for the affair and I have never, ever blamed her.
Her conduct, however, was her own choice and didn’t cover her in glory either.
Cheating men are never victims, they are to blame and could stop at any time, as I said, but the idea that all OW are all hapless victims and never also pursue the affair relationship is nonsense.
Enjoy the “lol” my post gave you, it is usually far from a laughing matter, leads to mental health issues and in one case I know about it led to a suicide. It is the very worst time outside of the death of a child in any betrayed partners’ lives.

But you know men like this don't change? You speak of the sheer trauma of if it all yet have opened yourself up to it happening again?

Thewookiemustgo · 20/11/2023 23:33

@FrancisSeaton I respect your opinion and your right to state it here without judgment, but debate in this manner is pointless.

FrancisSeaton · 21/11/2023 08:30

Thewookiemustgo · 20/11/2023 23:33

@FrancisSeaton I respect your opinion and your right to state it here without judgment, but debate in this manner is pointless.

There's no debate but I honestly do wonder why people open themselves up to this happening again . Worst time of your life you put in all that work and have all that trauma for it to likely occur again in the future.

DysonArseWrap · 21/11/2023 11:16

Ywlala92 · 06/11/2023 19:39

I would honestly die of shock if my OH ever cheated. He is the most loyal person ever, (to everyone who he loves, not just me, loyal to a fault sometimes)! I'm not saying that naievly, just knowing his opinion on cheating. I think it's horrible to think all men cheat. And as others have said, plenty of women cheat too!

I thought this.

My cheating husband was sat there giving my best friend advice when her partner was cheating.

My husband was in the 'I would never camp' I would've put my life on him not cheating.

Until he did.

Men and woman cheat, but I think in my opinion men are opportunists on a much higher level.

DysonArseWrap · 21/11/2023 11:23

Herbiebanannas · 07/11/2023 04:39

Just to add to this people are much less likely to cheat when they have everything they want at home.

Basically for most people that is love, respect, fun and passion.

Start taking the basics away, or making someone’s life miserable by restricting any of the above and eyes are much more likely to start to wander.

I'll go against this.

We had everything. Lovely home, good jobs, active sex life, best of friends, both look after ourselves, we laughed, cried, cooked and ate dinner together every night.

If they will cheat they will cheat. No matter who or what is at home.

DysonArseWrap · 21/11/2023 11:25

Thewookiemustgo · 20/11/2023 18:03

@FrancisSeaton I was replying to @Susieb2023 had said, which was about the behaviour of the OW. I could wax equally lyrical about my husband’s appalling behaviour during the affair, but that wasn’t the context here.
My husband was to blame for the affair and I have never, ever blamed her.
Her conduct, however, was her own choice and didn’t cover her in glory either.
Cheating men are never victims, they are to blame and could stop at any time, as I said, but the idea that all OW are all hapless victims and never also pursue the affair relationship is nonsense.
Enjoy the “lol” my post gave you, it is usually far from a laughing matter, leads to mental health issues and in one case I know about it led to a suicide. It is the very worst time outside of the death of a child in any betrayed partners’ lives.

I agree with all of this!

FrancisSeaton · 21/11/2023 20:21

@DysonArseWrap exactly some people will just cheat because they feel entitled to

Nogooddeed7 · 21/11/2023 21:55

I often thought most cheated because there was something fundamentally missing in their relationships. Not quite sure now!

RandomForest · 21/11/2023 22:16

Nogooddeed7 · 21/11/2023 21:55

I often thought most cheated because there was something fundamentally missing in their relationships. Not quite sure now!

I think most people cheat because there's something fundamentally missing in themselves.

39and · 21/11/2023 22:17

Nogooddeed7 · 21/11/2023 21:55

I often thought most cheated because there was something fundamentally missing in their relationships. Not quite sure now!

Some people just want variety or are inherently selfish. It's rarely about their current relationship.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/11/2023 00:02

@RandomForest you are spot on.

Rollup2024 · 22/11/2023 04:16

I think it probably sits at the point op said, a lot of good guys do flirt outside marriage but cheat, no. I think a lot of it is ego validation but harmless, plus the ease of social media use these days.

FairyMaclary · 22/11/2023 08:56

As others have said having you cheat because you have something missing in yourself. You have a ‘but’ in your fidelity.

Faithful people are faithful for themselves. It’s part of them, what makes them who they are. If you know your values and live by them you feel better in yourself. It will help with self worth.

You don’t have to have loyalty and fidelity as values. That’s perfectly okay. Whats not okay is to pretend you do have those values and take away another’s agency and their time. Also putting their sexual health and even their fertility at risk. That’s really shitty behaviour. It’s abusive.

Thisistyresome · 22/11/2023 16:47

BeardJumper · 20/11/2023 13:31

@FairyMaclary great name btw - thanks for the reads. To be honest intimacy is not a problem, we talk and share but sex is something that just stopped for her after our youngest was born. You're right though I need to have the conversation about this with her. I have never wanted to speak about it because well I just thought it was bad luck for person who has a sex drive. Maybe it was just something I did or didn't do that put her off it. I need to talk to her, I see it as an impossible situation.

I know people love to have the "read this, oh and that, and that as well..." response but before you get too invested in "fixing" something, perhaps have a straight conversation of "is this aspect over?"

She may have had thoughts about it and just not shared them. If she has a specific issue that would be good to know or if she has been thinking about it and totally ruled it out.