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Original poster

Do all men cheat?

300 replies

Sundance03 · 06/11/2023 18:44

I see a lot of posts on MN about DH affairs and cheating. It makes me nervous... I don't think my DH has ever cheated.. at least that I know of. Am I very naive in thinking that there are men that do not cheat out there?

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaydogs · 08/11/2023 09:03

@Susieb2023 and @Thewookiemustgo always with the well thought out responses on any thread you contribute to. Love your comments, they always help me clarify my thoughts!

Thisistyresome · 08/11/2023 09:14

Recent stats suggested we are seeing roughly equal cheating rates between men and women but generally at different points and for different reasons.

Majority don’t cheat but the minority that do is larger than I expected.

Thisistyresome · 08/11/2023 09:20

occa · 06/11/2023 19:10

I've always worked in male-dominated environments (often working away from home) and ime the non-cheaters are vastly in the minority.

There are the just-happened-once people, the serially unfaithful, the shockingly promiscuous, and the long-term relationship on the side people, but there are not many who don't fall into one of those.

Do you not see how those who opt for working away are more likely to be cheaters?

I worked in a male dominated office long ago where there were a number of consultants who travelled and stayed locally during the week. The split of attitudes of men who chose to work near where they lived and those who enjoyed living away from home was marked in that regard.

There were some of the traveling guys who were open about cheating on their wives, the men who lived locally found it terrible but it was quite clear in the nature of those:

  1. Lived locally
  2. Travelled to work but would obviously like to not need to
  3. Those who seemed to revel in being away (the actual and likely cheaters).
Thewookiemustgo · 08/11/2023 09:20

@Didsomeonesaydogs thank you for your kind comment, I’m glad it helps, there is rarely a positive to come out of such horrendous betrayal, I just know stuff now that I wish I’d known at the time and want to pass it on in case it helps somebody else.
I also find @Susieb2023 ’s measured and considered responses helpful too.

Loubelle70 · 08/11/2023 09:20

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2023 07:12

Do ALL men cheat? No, but I find the assertion that a lot of married men are not attractive or charismatic enough to find a willing accomplice ludicrous and laughably naive. After all, there's already one person who evidently found them sufficiently attractive and charismatic enough that they married them, and there are 8 billion people on the planet

I always think this when a woman posts with concerns about her husband and a lot of posters are tripping over themselves to mock her because no woman is going to be interested in her sad, balding, slightly overweight middle aged husband...

It always reads to me that they are trying to reassure themselves more than anything.

Tbh its true most time. Theres many decent looking blokes after an affair or fling. It makes it more difficult if youre not a looker let's say. But.. it depends on what's available. Its opportunity and availability.
Men who arent so good looking like to think they have a chance lol but in essence it depends what others are available. I wouldnt have an affair..but if i did and there were 2 choices .. oc i will go for the better looking one. Sorry balding chubby guys... men usually choose attractive women for affairs..no different for women

SWSO · 08/11/2023 09:33

I think most don't intend to but if an opportunity presents itself then lust can override common sense .

ginasevern · 08/11/2023 09:34

OK, so I played a little game some years ago. Call it an experiment. I was divorced and had quite a few married couple friends with whom I would socialise. I'd known them all for a long time and we were all around the early 40's age group. Each couple had been married for 15 years or more and were happy. They all had comfortable lives and great kids. One by one over the course of about 6 months I gave each husband a subtle "come on" and each and every one of them took me up on it without hesitation. In case it makes any difference, I am no better looking than any of their wives. These were ordinary men (not footballers or movie stars) who you would absolutely bet your life on never cheating.

Loubelle70 · 08/11/2023 09:39

ginasevern · 08/11/2023 09:34

OK, so I played a little game some years ago. Call it an experiment. I was divorced and had quite a few married couple friends with whom I would socialise. I'd known them all for a long time and we were all around the early 40's age group. Each couple had been married for 15 years or more and were happy. They all had comfortable lives and great kids. One by one over the course of about 6 months I gave each husband a subtle "come on" and each and every one of them took me up on it without hesitation. In case it makes any difference, I am no better looking than any of their wives. These were ordinary men (not footballers or movie stars) who you would absolutely bet your life on never cheating.

Doesn't surprise me.

I remember a 'friend' of mine who actually asked me to come onto her partner to see if he would cheat if given opportunity. I ditched her.

43percentburnt · 08/11/2023 13:02

@ginasevern
My poor auntie was nursing her husband of 50 years. A family friend of 50 years tried it on with her while he was visiting. He cornered her in her kitchen while she blended her husbands meal. She rang me in tears - this was a very tired, lady in her 70s, nursing a terminal husband. She wanted friends to visit and reminisce with her husband and keep him company. His mate could only think of sex as he visited his friends of 50 years. One of whom was in his last stages of life.

My aunty was absolutely devastated. She was scared at the funeral that he would do it again - vile man. I now see him very different to how I saw him as a child.

It’s down to values and integrity and people hide who they are. This surely won’t have been this cheating chaps first time harassing ladies at 80 years of age!!! My skin crawled when I saw him at the funeral.

SallyWD · 08/11/2023 13:57

I read it was 50/50

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 07:32

ginasevern · 08/11/2023 09:34

OK, so I played a little game some years ago. Call it an experiment. I was divorced and had quite a few married couple friends with whom I would socialise. I'd known them all for a long time and we were all around the early 40's age group. Each couple had been married for 15 years or more and were happy. They all had comfortable lives and great kids. One by one over the course of about 6 months I gave each husband a subtle "come on" and each and every one of them took me up on it without hesitation. In case it makes any difference, I am no better looking than any of their wives. These were ordinary men (not footballers or movie stars) who you would absolutely bet your life on never cheating.

My mum had loads of couple friends, neighbours etc and 90% of the husbands tried it on at some point.. she wasn't even single and they all knew my dad! Her friends husbands! My dads friends. Neighbours. Women she'd have intimate chats with. Who my mum could ruin in a second. Can't believe the risks they all took, I guess that's the power of the male sex drive

If it happens to me I let the the wife/partner know even when it's strangers.

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 11:54

@Disturbia81

That's exactly it. Men have been programmed over thousands of years to spread their seed and therefore to have sex with as many women as possible. If they see an opportunity, they will seize it. They view the act of sex completely differently to the way most women feel about it. They can easily detach emotions of love, loyalty and hurt. It is only the fear of getting caught that troubles them.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 12:57

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 11:54

@Disturbia81

That's exactly it. Men have been programmed over thousands of years to spread their seed and therefore to have sex with as many women as possible. If they see an opportunity, they will seize it. They view the act of sex completely differently to the way most women feel about it. They can easily detach emotions of love, loyalty and hurt. It is only the fear of getting caught that troubles them.

Biology is a cruel joke in a way, just causes problems in this modern world where we have brains and emotions.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 12:58

BUT.. saying that, I've met plenty of men who aren't a slave to their testosterone. They pass the sleaze tests etc

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 13:08

Don't use social media posts as a yardstick to measure your relationship against because it's not a representation of the average, but the worst.

It's always good to be reminded of this!!!

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 13:42

@Disturbia81

This is the problem. Men have evolved to impregnate women, ideally as many women and as often as possible. This is no longer necessary in the modern world but men's evolutionary urge is still there. It's like telling a cat not to hunt mice. It's all pre-programmed.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 13:53

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 13:42

@Disturbia81

This is the problem. Men have evolved to impregnate women, ideally as many women and as often as possible. This is no longer necessary in the modern world but men's evolutionary urge is still there. It's like telling a cat not to hunt mice. It's all pre-programmed.

This sounds a bit reductive to me. It's the sort of thing a pick up artist would say. Men can't help themselves. It's just biology. That's nonsense. It's a childish excuse for immature behaviour.

If he wants to, he will - whether you mean be faithful and committed or shag around and have an affair.

Disturbia81 · 09/11/2023 14:00

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 13:42

@Disturbia81

This is the problem. Men have evolved to impregnate women, ideally as many women and as often as possible. This is no longer necessary in the modern world but men's evolutionary urge is still there. It's like telling a cat not to hunt mice. It's all pre-programmed.

I go between understanding and accepting this, to hating it.. I hated getting perved on at 12 and hate some mens obsession with youth.

SallyWD · 09/11/2023 14:03

ginasevern · 08/11/2023 09:34

OK, so I played a little game some years ago. Call it an experiment. I was divorced and had quite a few married couple friends with whom I would socialise. I'd known them all for a long time and we were all around the early 40's age group. Each couple had been married for 15 years or more and were happy. They all had comfortable lives and great kids. One by one over the course of about 6 months I gave each husband a subtle "come on" and each and every one of them took me up on it without hesitation. In case it makes any difference, I am no better looking than any of their wives. These were ordinary men (not footballers or movie stars) who you would absolutely bet your life on never cheating.

Wow, you came on to married friends as an experiment?! I bet the wives (I assume some were also your friends) would be delighted to know this.
Yes I do think many (perhaps most) men would take sex if offered on a plate. My DH is wonderful but I'm not naive enough to think if someone offered him no strings attached sex and I'd never find out, well maybe he'd go for it! I've no reason to think he'd cheat on me but I also think men are highly driven by a desire for sex. Who knows? It's not something that keeps me awake at night. Thankfully I don't think many women are offering him sex.

hologramvirus · 09/11/2023 14:10

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 13:53

This sounds a bit reductive to me. It's the sort of thing a pick up artist would say. Men can't help themselves. It's just biology. That's nonsense. It's a childish excuse for immature behaviour.

If he wants to, he will - whether you mean be faithful and committed or shag around and have an affair.

Show quote history

Quite. It’s absolute bollocks. Men love this self justifying shit.

We are all able to control ourselves. It’s just a matter of whether or not we choose to. It is a choice. Stop infantalising men. Plus, if pp are right that it’s 50/50 men and women who cheat, what does this make of your theory?

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 14:28

@FunkyKittens
@hologramvirus

To answer you both. Firstly, I am very very very far from a male apologists and I have no desire to infantalise either men or women. I am however practical. I believe we are descended from apes and our basic urges are animalistic, the most important of which (in line with all other species) is to procreate and survive. Our intelligence has taken us to the moon and back but we are really just clever monkeys. Women are programmed to need to produce offspring. Their whole mind and body commands it and it is a force like no other. Men's evolutionary urges demand they sow their seed. Nothing infantalising or apologistic about any of that.

FunkyKittens · 09/11/2023 14:39

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 14:28

@FunkyKittens
@hologramvirus

To answer you both. Firstly, I am very very very far from a male apologists and I have no desire to infantalise either men or women. I am however practical. I believe we are descended from apes and our basic urges are animalistic, the most important of which (in line with all other species) is to procreate and survive. Our intelligence has taken us to the moon and back but we are really just clever monkeys. Women are programmed to need to produce offspring. Their whole mind and body commands it and it is a force like no other. Men's evolutionary urges demand they sow their seed. Nothing infantalising or apologistic about any of that.

It still sounds like nonsense and there's no evidence for it.

People (both women and men) have devoted massive amounts of time and effort to NOT having babies while still having sex. So please throw that "spread their seed" nonsense in the garbage where it belongs.

acpk55 · 09/11/2023 14:51

Shodan · 07/11/2023 10:54

There are a lot of articles and a lot of wildly varying statistics about cheating generally.

This excerpt from a BBC article, for instance:

Working out how many people have ever been unfaithful is challenging, not least because researchers are reliant on the honest confessions of cheaters. As a result, estimates of infidelity can vary wildly and are often affected by how data are collected. At the higher end of estimates, 75% of men and 68% of women admitted to cheating in some way, at some point, in a relationship (although, more up-to-date research from 2017 suggests that men and women are now engaging in infidelity at similar rates). One of the lowest published rates of infidelity is 14% – still a sizeable number.
Yet only 5% of people believe that their own partner had cheated or will cheat at some point in their relationship, meaning that even the most conservative estimates would suggest that this happens much more frequently than expected. Perhaps we’re too trusting of our partners.

I would never blindly assume that 'my man' would never cheat. I hope he won't, and I have to trust that he won't. But my pragmatic side is cautious, nonetheless.

As an aside- is there a certain amount of ego involved, if you are adamant that your other half would never cheat on you? Is the certainty based not only on the character of the person you are with, but also a tiny bit of 'Why would anyone cheat on me?'

I think this is one of the issues around cheating stats is are people actually telling the truth ?
apparently cheating in women has increased 40% over the last 20 years & some researchers suggest that the amount of cheating in women is actually even higher, but women are less likely to admit to it.

so in 5 or maybe 10 years time the question men might well be asking is “ Do all women cheat “

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 14:52

@FunkyKittens

We have indeed developed contraception but it is mostly used by women to choose when to have babies, rather than whether to have them at all. Women can now wait until their finances are more favourable, or they have a suitable place to live for example. It also enables them to have just 2 children rather than 17. Very few women, even in this day and age, remain childfree through choice. You seem determined to dismiss the evolutionary urges of the human race. My apologies if you are religious and believe we were created in God's image but I do not. I will reiterate, men and women are nothing more than clever monkeys whose main purpose is to procreate.

ginasevern · 09/11/2023 15:04

@SallyWD

Just to clarify, I didn't follow through with my "experiment"! I had no desire to sleep with any of them (ick) but more importantly I would not betray another woman. Men are more driven by sex than women. Many years of interacting/socialising/working with men from all walks of life, status and culture have failed to prove otherwise I'm afraid.