Do all men cheat?

[Sundance03]

I see a lot of posts on MN about DH affairs and cheating. It makes me nervous... I don't think my DH has ever cheated.. at least that I know of. Am I very naive in thinking that there are men that do not cheat out there?

If I'm honest, I think more people cheat than I'd ever realised. I always thought it was a small minority, but now I think it's the minority who are actually faithful.
I'm not convinced men are worse that women - those men are cheating with someone! I've come across some very selfish and ruthless women who would cheat in a heartbeat.
I think that given the opportunity, many do cheat .

I kind of agree, when I was a teen, I honestly thought married people left all that behind, it wasn't until I grew up and realised the grown ups were far worse than the lateteens who were sowing their wild oats.

Life is full of depressing dissapointments.

But I suppose with age one thing that's changed is my respect for certain people who I probably wouldn't have admired as much in my youth, to admire someone's integrity and morals is probably something which comes with age.

Absolutely. My first husband, would shag anyone and everyone. If he had met the queen he would have given her a go.

The scale of his infidelity was quite breathtaking, and yet he had no money, was short, plump and was not particularly handsome. He was however very funny with a lot of charisma (and bull shit). When you got to the bottom of it it was all down to his insecurity.

I think this is true, but I’m not quite so gleeful about as you are

i know 2 pretty average women in their 50’s who are having affairs, both married to worthy but dull men who were good fathers and husbands, but neither want to give up the safety of the family home or get divorced and been seen as the “bad one” so they having their cake and eating it,
pone of them has been having an affair for about 2 years now

I'm not sure how you're reading 'glee' into a simple statement of fact in response to another poster asking me a direct question.

Women find it easier to get sex than men do. We all know this.

An averagely attractive man will be unlikely to have multiple opportunities for an affair unless he makes an effort. An averagely attractive woman would be likely many to have more opportunities even if she makes no effort.

This is hardly groundbreaking or controversial stuff. Yet a poster appeared to become quite huffy about the idea a man might not be considered attractive enough to have an affair.

As you say, unattractive people have affairs. And attractive people stay faithful. My point is about opportunity and effort, and how one's attractiveness impacts that. Not whether an individual decides to take advantage of their opportunities, which is obviously nothing to do with their looks.

I think a lot of those women they're cheating with are single though

@5128gap
ir looked like you were getting huffy with several posters who wouldn’t agree with you ! ,

Several? Really? I must have missed all but the two people I replied to!
No, I never get huffy with people who disagree. That's what a discussion forum is for. I do get a bit irritated with people who's idea of debate is to simply say 'you're talking rubbish/nonsense' without any counter argument though. It's annoying when you've come back after a notification and that's all there is. I'm also not entirely clear in this case what they were disagreeing about to be honest.

I think it’s little to do with ‘attractiveness’ but there’s a lot more at play.

I know a serial cheat who is not attractive, not wealthy, not particularly funny but women still trip over themselves to have affairs with him. Maybe he plays the victim a bit, his wife is domineering and I think women like to think they can ‘save’ him. That works both ways with the KISA syndrome where affairs start with vulnerable woman, man looking to rescue when wife is pretty in control of herself.

In my case it was the fact my husband was a good father and a good husband which ironically drew the affair partner. In the initial stages it was her pursuit. His fault for going along with it but she was the driver. I’ve known plenty like this. That’s why the idea cheats are always sleazy men makes me laugh, even most affair partners are looking for safety and commitment, the kind thoughtful family man, their choice of who will provide this is the ironic bit.

I’ve known some affairs where the affair partner couldn’t fail to notice the lifestyle they might achieve if the affair goes the distance as @Thewookiemustgo said.

There’s some that there’s just chemistry or sexual convenience.,

Why we select our potential partners is far more complex than attractiveness and women are just as good at the pursuit as men once they’ve made a choice. Which is why I do laugh at the idea mooted on here that it’s always vulnerable women and predatory men. As I write this I’m reminded of a time where I was at a concert and a woman was literally giving my husband the come on as I stood there. We’ve surely all experienced that.

Just my thoughts on it all.

Like most people on this thread I can only opine anecdotally.

Since people don't tend to advertise this behaviour my guess it is far more widespread than people tend to think (and that goes for women as well).

Having said that I think quite a lot of it is one offs although (and you're not going to like this) for blokes it can be strippers and hookers. The most common I've seen in this regard is work colleagues. Known a few serial cheaters who all seemed to grow out of it in time.

I know less about women in this regard - the ones I've heard of tend to be work colleagues

@5128gap
but you are not having a discussion, you are simply telling other posters that you are right and they are wrong ( repeatedly)
as to use “we all know this”, is just internet slang for my opinion counts more than yours.

you sound like the female equivalent of a pub bore who must insist on being correct irrespective of other people opinions

It isn't possible to have a discussion if people don't offer a counter argument to the points one makes though, is it? I made a number of points in my initial post to you for example. You didn't tell me why you thought differently, but instead chose to be critical of me personally and now to try to insult me. I'm not about to engage in a discussion about whether I'm a pub bore or not after all, so how does that facilitate the debate?
We are supposed to be discussing whether all men cheat. I gave my view that they don't, and gave one reason for that being that not all men have the opportunity.
I'm more than happy to have people disagree with me on that, but if there's to be a discussion it's really useful if they actually offer a bit more than telling me it's nonsense.
Oh and I haven't told 'other posters (repeatedly)' that they're wrong. One guy took offence because he rather bizarrely thought I might be saying married men were 'ugly pigs' (his words).

@Susieb2023 same here, absolutely agree. OW was allegedly in a dying relationship with the partner she was living with when she met my husband, she wanted children but was late thirties with potentially no partner. My husband thinks he actually could have been anybody wealthy with the right lifestyle. He wasn’t entirely sure he was her first attempt. Age didn’t bother her, long stable marital status didn’t bother her, his having kids didn’t bother her, in fact they were plusses, all the things she wanted in a partner. She didn’t care, we were just obstacles to be removed. The more she got suspicious of his future faking, the more this became apparent and the scales started to fall from his eyes as well as hers.
His fault, he was to blame, but her pursuit was pretty relentless also. He said his phone got bombarded at weekends and in the evenings with photos and texts, realised it was to make sure she pushed herself into any time he spent with me and the kids. She wasn’t going to let him forget about her whilst he was enjoying himself with me and/ or our kids. She knew we shared a bed and told him she really didn’t like it/ understand it if our marriage was that bad. Duh! 🙄
He texted on the train but never at home unless he was on his own because I was out with the kids. He was extremely careful. He’d read it all and reply on the train next morning on his way to work. He’d killed all notifications from text and WhatsApp to his phone at those times, so it just pinged with emails and calls came through (he knew she’d never call him without texting to see if the coast was clear) to make it look to me like his phone was working as normal. If it was always totally on silent it would have seemed odd. I never looked at it as I had no suspicions. He’d then export the chats to an email address and delete them from his phone.
He arranged dinner etc but she booked hotels during the week and kept trying to arrange holidays or weekends away. They both drove it and pursued it. He eventually agreed to one Saturday overnighter, which was when I found out.
Pursuit is a two way street usually, and a choice, nobody is a hapless manipulated victim of it, both parties could stop at any time.

The pursuit/ game playing adds to the thrill of the affair on both sides. I think the OW’s pursuit gets played down on MN, because it’s always used as a cry to say that people think that men are poor innocent victims of evil manipulative OW and sound like an excuse of their behaviour. Cheating men are no victims, absolutely not, but to suggest OW don’t also pursue them and know exactly what they are doing is nonsense. Cheating men find the pursuit by OW part of the flattery and ego stroking, and they know that too. Two way street usually.

In my experience its women who have cheated. I've had 2 serious relationships, both of them cheated on me and can't even give a reason why they did. I'm not an arsehole and worked hard to give them both a good life

I think it just depends on what type of person you are...... some men and women cheat, some don't. Cant say all men cheat just as I can't say all women cheat

I know some say women obviously cheat same as men as there'd be no one to have affair with...but would you think some of that is because the man lies about being married/atta ched?. I know 3 women...1 who knew the man was married (ick) and 2 were told they were separated (1 waiting for her to sign divorce paper)...do women who have affairs lie about being attached or just honest? My exes friend had an affair with a woman whilst working away but he was aware she was married and not ending it. Im confused by it all tbh

I'm always confused by the people who think there needs to be an equal number of cheats of both sexes in order for the cheat to have a partner. Like every cheat has to find their one and only forever affair partner who is also married, and if there's not anyone spare they have to stay faithful until another married person becomes available. Like no one cheats with a single person, and no one sleeps with more than one cheat.

I think women are far more reluctant to admit to cheating. The same as they shave off the number of men they have had sex with. All my close female friends have not admitted to how many people they have had sex with to their husbands. I bet men don’t do this.
I have a friend and her family still don’t know she met her dh when he was married. They never will know the truth either.
I don’t think anyone knows the real numbers.

@Loubelle70 my instinct is that women are more honest about their marital status - so those married women who are cheating, are less likely to lie about being married than men.
I think men might also be more opportunistic cheats - men imo tend to be more arrogant than women and assume they won't be caught out or tell themselves they are more entitled to do it, that no harm will come of it.
They are more likely to take risks I think.
I do believe that women are more considered on the whole - we are more risk averse and don't assume we are too clever or our husbands are too oblivious to catch us.

Obviously excluding women who are lied to, the ow I've known don't give a shit about the wife and kids of their affair partner. I don't t think women are generally better people, just that we think differently and might make different decisions to men for self preservation reasons or because we have considered long term consequences.

I can say honestly I have thought about it lots.... My wife and I have lost sex in each other but I still have a sex drive. We are best friends and we want to grow old together, I'm not sure how I just forget about my sex drive. I'm not sure how to even talk about it with my wife.

Start by talking with her. Don't cheat because youll lose a friend you won't get back, your wife. Your wife might want sex, are you doing it to benefit her not just yourself

Of course not all do but I honestly believe most will if given the opportunity.

My OH is absolutely the last person I would expect to cheat but he did. I’ve never been so shocked in my life.

Same. 25 years..he cheated.. multiple times. Only found out towards end. He was one of those men who people, and me thought would never cheat. I would never now trust a man fully.
What man said: 'a man is only as faithful as his options'

@ginasevern im very much with you!
-:Stephen fucking Hawkins cheated! I think it is preprogrammed into men.
Out of interest, what was the subtle come on? A look? A flirty double entendre? 🫠

@Loubelle70 thanks - I understand where your coming from. It's weird though because as a sex we are programmed to think of sex as a product for reproduction and then a luxury to enjoy. I have found myself becoming anxious and depressed the longer I'm not having sex, I honestly think there's health benefits to regular sex. I will talk to her but I honestly don't think the outcome will be good.

@BeardJumper

I recommend that you read the seven principles of making marriage work. Work on that first with no pressure for sex.
Then read Gottmans seven date book. No pressure for sex.

Work on Restoring intimacy and connection.