I really think I need to say something 😡

[Coffeeblackplease]

Sorry this is long! I hadn’t planned for this to turn into a novella but I think I just needed to vent!

I am about to cause a huge row within my family but I don’t think I am the one who is unreasonable here. I’m really losing patience with my brother who has a weird weird friend (best friend since school days). Granted they don’t see each other a lot now, but every time this guy comes to visit my brother drops everything else as everything seems to revolve around this guy. That’s obviously not my problem, but he seems to completely unable to see things from others perspectives.

My brother is absolutely not like this guy but as soon as he comes over they are attached by the hip and get up to weird shit. So now he is apparently coming over for Christmas because unsurprisingly he doesn’t have anyone else.

My mother and her new partner (who is a therapist) have made it clear that they don’t want him at the family event which we have every year. My mother’s partner has met him before and suspects a personality disorder btw.
DB then declared that he wouldn’t come either and would celebrate with his gf and his friend as he’ll be staying with them anyway. DB and his gf only moved in together this year so she has only met him a few times and never for long. I asked my brother if she knows what he’s like and if he has told her about the criminal/ borderline criminal shit the guy keeps getting himself involved in. By his own admission she does not know because he doesn’t want her to judge him before meeting him “properly”.

When I describe this guy as weird that’s putting it mildly. He’s 100% a creep and he’s been in trouble with the law before. I remember from their teens when he beat up my brother (his best friend) so badly that DB couldn’t properly move for days because his back was covered in bruises. He stayed over in our house a lot until my mother barred him after he tried to crawl into her bed. He has zero interest in healthy boundaries and dare I say consent. And yes, I got to experience this myself as well. I could go on forever.

I am absolutely fuming that DB doesn’t want to tell his gf about these things because I think she needs to know when someone will be staying in their place. I’m not saying that he’d do something to her but I think she needs to know at least so she can be safe. I don’t want to be the one to tell her because this might of course rock their relationship, but I think I will tell DB that I will tell her if he doesn’t.

My mother agrees with me but has warned me that DB’s friend might retaliate in some way so to expect some sort of nastiness.

Vent over! And no, I usually don’t involve myself in other people’s relationships but I feel strongly about this one. By all means tell me if I am unreasonable though as I might have tunnel vision. Thank you

You need to safeguard the girlfriend.

Maybe send an anonymous text to her.

If he's sexually harassed both you and your mother, absolutely the girlfriend needs to know. It's disgusting that your brother would put her at risk.

Blow it up, OP, blow it up.

The place where your brother and his girlfriend are living is/should be her safe space.

If this 'friend' staying there might/could/will invade that due to his behaviour then yes she definitely needs to know.

And if your brother kicks off then it shows her HIS priorities.

She should know. I would tell her.

I would tell her as well, judging by his past behaviour

And honestly, I think you need to tell her, because even if your brother agrees he will - 1. he may say he will and then not, 2. he may minimise the guy's behaviour so much she doesn't understand what he is.

I’d tell your DB’s GF your concerns about the man and your concerns about your DB’s behaviour with and about him, face to face. Expressing concern for her safety.

Then afterwards tell DB that you have done so.

Tell her.
If needs be, tell him that you have told her.
Life is too short for that shit.

Tell her what you know directly. That way you can't be acvused of making anything up or spreading rumours.

She's probably noticed something she's decided to ignore. Creeps creep. That's what they do.

If you're still in doubt, how would you sleep/ look her in the eye if he did something and you could have warned her but didn't?

Addendum

Offer her a bolt hole should she need it. You don't want her to be in danger because she has nowhere to go over Christmas.

Wouldn’t tell your DB your intent or that ‘I will tell her if you won’t’, due to your DB’s behaviour to date. DB has maintained the relationship aftet his friend physically harmed him and been a physical/sexual threat to you and your mother, so DB’s judgment in this matter can’t be trusted. He won’t prioritise his partner’s safety.

Tell the GF. Imagine how guilty you'd feel if something happened to her.

If the friend tries anything report him to the police.

That’s a good point actually

I don't really see what the problem is here? Your brother wants to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and a friend this year instead of doing the whole family thing.

Why is that a problem?

Edit: Ok, I somehow missed the fact your worried about your brother's partners safety. I agree with others, you should tell her.

How is your job as a VAR official coming along?

Yeah, sorry, was just editing when you posted, that'll teach me not to skim read!

I would just tell her - it’s a safety issue.

Don’t get into telling him you’ll tell her if he doesn’t, it makes too big a deal of it.

That way she can chose to go him to her family and your brother and his friend can weird out together.

So he badly beat up your brother when they were younger?

Sounds to me like DB is scared of him, so tries to ingratiate into his good books whenever they meet!

The fact that your brother is inviting a man who he knows has behaved inappropriately with both his mother and his sister into the home of any woman he knows, let alone that of his GF is hugely problematic.

Not only is the "weird friend" an issue, your brother is too, due to his willingness to put himself and his friendship above the safety of the women close to him. His girlfriend needs the information you have in order to keep herself safe. Tell him you're going to let her know what he's done to you, and to your mother, and then she can make her own choices.

His choices are going to cause any upset that ensues, not you.

Tell her, and don’t waste a single second feeling bad about it. She’s bound to find out anyway, and if anything she’d probably feel more hurt in the long run by realising someone might have warned her but didn’t. If there was absolutely no mutual connection between this guy and the GF, but you knew they’d end up coming into contact (eg. she was your colleague and you somehow realised they were going to the same birthday party), I think you’d say something! I hope that makes sense. I’m just saying, listen to your spidey senses, and don’t feel any guilt. Good luck!

Oh the reason I wanted my brother to tell her is so she won’t feel upset.

It's possible that your brother's judgement isn't sound enough to be able to see what needs to be done and do it.

She will be upset if she finds this man crawling into her side of the bed at 2am, I wouldn't think twice about telling him you're going to share what you know and doing so.

I don't think you can trust his judgement.

I know we talk about trauma bonds regarding domestic abuse relationships, but I presume it's also a thing in other types of relationship? I'm wondering if there's something of that nature going on, because he's so absurdly attached to this unhealthy friendship.

Anyway, I think you could have a reasonably gentle conversation with the girlfriend advising her not to be alone with the guy - you don't have to go into everything he's done as the relevant bit really is what he might try to do to her.

Your brother is not blameless, by exposing his gf to this creep. Who even knows what creepy intentions they might have.

You have absolutely got to tell her. How would you feel if something happened to her that you could have prevented!

I would tell his girlfriend, well away from your brother, everything you have said here. I would also make it clear that if she's uncomfortable at any point while the friend is around, that she can contact and come to you and your family so she has somewhere safe to go.