I really think I need to say something 😡

[Coffeeblackplease]

Sorry this is long! I hadn’t planned for this to turn into a novella but I think I just needed to vent!

I am about to cause a huge row within my family but I don’t think I am the one who is unreasonable here. I’m really losing patience with my brother who has a weird weird friend (best friend since school days). Granted they don’t see each other a lot now, but every time this guy comes to visit my brother drops everything else as everything seems to revolve around this guy. That’s obviously not my problem, but he seems to completely unable to see things from others perspectives.

My brother is absolutely not like this guy but as soon as he comes over they are attached by the hip and get up to weird shit. So now he is apparently coming over for Christmas because unsurprisingly he doesn’t have anyone else.

My mother and her new partner (who is a therapist) have made it clear that they don’t want him at the family event which we have every year. My mother’s partner has met him before and suspects a personality disorder btw.
DB then declared that he wouldn’t come either and would celebrate with his gf and his friend as he’ll be staying with them anyway. DB and his gf only moved in together this year so she has only met him a few times and never for long. I asked my brother if she knows what he’s like and if he has told her about the criminal/ borderline criminal shit the guy keeps getting himself involved in. By his own admission she does not know because he doesn’t want her to judge him before meeting him “properly”.

When I describe this guy as weird that’s putting it mildly. He’s 100% a creep and he’s been in trouble with the law before. I remember from their teens when he beat up my brother (his best friend) so badly that DB couldn’t properly move for days because his back was covered in bruises. He stayed over in our house a lot until my mother barred him after he tried to crawl into her bed. He has zero interest in healthy boundaries and dare I say consent. And yes, I got to experience this myself as well. I could go on forever.

I am absolutely fuming that DB doesn’t want to tell his gf about these things because I think she needs to know when someone will be staying in their place. I’m not saying that he’d do something to her but I think she needs to know at least so she can be safe. I don’t want to be the one to tell her because this might of course rock their relationship, but I think I will tell DB that I will tell her if he doesn’t.

My mother agrees with me but has warned me that DB’s friend might retaliate in some way so to expect some sort of nastiness.

Vent over! And no, I usually don’t involve myself in other people’s relationships but I feel strongly about this one. By all means tell me if I am unreasonable though as I might have tunnel vision. Thank you

This.

You and/or your Mum need to warn her. Tell her because your DB won’t. He’s already told you his GF does not have the full picture in order to make an informed decision about her safety about this man, and he does not intend to tell her yet…I wonder when your DB thinks it would be a good time to tell his GF??

Your DB’s GF won’t be able to actively avoid being alone with this man if she does not know what he is capable of, especially if she’s sleeping ‘if’ he tries to get into bed with her in the middle of the night!

You and your Mum are aware of these humongous red flags, it’s your responsibility to share them. Never ignore your gut feelings.
Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you?

Is your brother fucking nuts?

of course you should let another female know that her selfish partner is putting her in harms way 😡

TF is wrong with your brother!???? Continuing to be friends with someone who tried to get into your mothers bed?? That beat him? They sound fit for one another, your DB and his friend.

I would honestly cut ties with any family member behaving this way.

If you tell her, and esp if said friend happened to be exactly the way you described, you will have blown your brother’s relationship.

Not saying it still would t be a good idea but the repercutions imo will be much wider that the ‘friend’ becoming nasty.

And if the guy sexually assaults the girlfriend or rapes her? Some things are a bit more important.

Her brother needs to stop being in thrall to this bloke.

Next time Christmas is mentioned in front of the gf, I would say, in a jokey way, make sure you don’t put up with any crap from the friend -he is a walking liability and make sure db doesn’t end up in jail with all of his antics. Oh, and lock your door at night!
And then, if she looks at you a bit oddly, say that you are going to be home at Christmas and if she wants to come over and stay for a bit then please do.

Safety first, she needs to know what she's potentially allowing in her house

I would tell her but I would stick strictly to the things you have witnessed. Don't say you don't like him as DB will use that as ammunition against you (e.g. you've never liked him so this is a vendetta type thing).

I would say 'these are the things my Mum and I have experienced, so you need to be aware that if you need us, we will come and get you.'

I'd be blunt and tell her in front of DB. Blow it up. Is your brother scared of him? Does he have something on him?

Cameleon... WTF is wrong with you?...

Tell the girlfriend... loud and clear.... she might not like it... she might not like you..but at least she will have the information her boyfriend should be giving her so she can make an informed choice/judgement...she might not believe what an arse... a disrespectful arse, her boyfriend is... but at least you have done the right thing.

I agree with this.

Your brother has the right to be friends with whoever he chooses - he doesn't get to put others at risk as a result of that friendship.

If this was my brother I'd struggle tbh; I'd judge him hugely. I had a similar problem with my DD when she was 16 and she sneaked her rapist boyfriend in the house overnight where her older sister was - it's one thing putting yourself at risk, you don't get to make that choice for others.

Id tell his girlfriend and I wouldn't give a shit about the fallout, it's your brother who is creating this problem, not you.

Why is your brother friends with him? Is he scared of him or does he actually enjoy doing the 'weird shit' that they get up to together? Definitely tell her.

Yes, this so he knows exactly what you have said so he can't accuse you of over exaggerating. And as other posters have said simply list the factual things he has done rather than how you feel about him because otherwise DB will twist it so that you are saying things because you don't like the friend, rather than because you are trying to protect her.

Maybe read my post again then

I said
Not saying it wouldn’t be a good idea

So again, I’m not saying she shouldn’t be doing that.
But I think the OP needs to be aware the fall out can be huge. As she actually acknowledges herself in her OP.

And being aware of that means she might want to have a chat with her mum first and agree together about telling the gf.
Because, unfortunately, often it’s the messenger that gets shot. So taking steps to avoid that WHILST telling the gf could be a good idea no?

DB’s partner may well be upset: as well as the threat from the man she’ll be learning negative things about her partner. That’s not a reason not to tell her!

Please tell her. Please, please tell her and open with his boundary-ignoring behavior (to put it lightly) with your mother and yourself, then him assaulting her partner, then criminal activity. Make sure to let her know that you're not trying to start trouble or to dictate her decisions, but that you've seen that your brother has a blind spot with this freak and doesn't fundamentally understand how women need to protect themselves.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Another vote to say tell the girlfriend in front of your brother. Lay out the facts as you know them. Don't unwittingly expose her to sexual assault.

Yeah I personally wouldn't care about my relationship with my brother being affected if I were in the op's position. Unless op's brother has significant learning difficulties, he knows exactly what he is doing inviting this friend over. He is either not bothered about his friend assaulting his gf or actively colluding with the friend to enable that to happen.

I think op is being naive to frame her brother as completely innocent in all these events when the friend has tried to molest op and her mother. Any normal young man would protect his female relatives at all costs once he realised what his friend was capable of.

To put it completely bluntly, there's a particular kink that involves getting pleasure from orchestrating women to be abused by another man.

Myself I would have gone LC with this brother long ago. But in a way it's good that op hasn't, because she now has an opportunity to alert this gf.

I never thought of my brother enabling his friend so this is something I need to think about. Tbh he isn’t the sharpest tool in the box and I know this sounds terrible. He is not intellectually challenged, but he can be desperately naive and often gets taken advantage of. Neither my mother, her partner and I understand their weird dynamic at all. For a while I wondered if there might be in love with each other but my brother denied this and I believe him.

I don’t know if he has something on my brother but I guess he wouldn’t be so excited to see him then?

I’ll definitely make sure that she finds out but I’m not sure if I should say it in front of him or not. She might not have picked up on the guy being weird if she only met him briefly. He’s perfectly charming until the moment he isn’t any more. Well maybe some people would notice but I didn’t.

I’m upset by my brother’s behaviour but I am also confused and a bit worried about him because it’s not normal or even healthy for him.

Tell her and also realise that a therapist shouldn’t be telling you or advising you on anyone’s diagnosis patient or not, even if it’s just his own thoughts. That’s grim as well.

Do you see the gf often? Will you tell her face to face?

I think I would give your brother a chance, then maybe a day or so after he has told her. I'd phone and say I know brother told you about his friend, and tell her then everything you've said here too. That way if your brother skimmed the details she will know, but you've also given him the chance to at least talk to her.

He must be blind to this friend to invite him into his home

You sound really sensible, and I doubt you’d be able to relax for 2 minutes over Christmas knowing brother’s girlfriend has no idea. Hope you can find a way.

This is your brothers life and his problem- I wouldn't get involved if I were you

Warn the gf asap and DON’T minimise it.
Your brother’s attitude is awful, he’s putting her in close proximity to a would be sex offender.
She needs full and frank disclosure so she can decide if she wants to meet this man ( let alone have him stay, and potentially be alone with him )

This. If your brother won’t protect her then you need to.