I really think I need to say something 😡

[Coffeeblackplease]

Sorry this is long! I hadn’t planned for this to turn into a novella but I think I just needed to vent!

I am about to cause a huge row within my family but I don’t think I am the one who is unreasonable here. I’m really losing patience with my brother who has a weird weird friend (best friend since school days). Granted they don’t see each other a lot now, but every time this guy comes to visit my brother drops everything else as everything seems to revolve around this guy. That’s obviously not my problem, but he seems to completely unable to see things from others perspectives.

My brother is absolutely not like this guy but as soon as he comes over they are attached by the hip and get up to weird shit. So now he is apparently coming over for Christmas because unsurprisingly he doesn’t have anyone else.

My mother and her new partner (who is a therapist) have made it clear that they don’t want him at the family event which we have every year. My mother’s partner has met him before and suspects a personality disorder btw.
DB then declared that he wouldn’t come either and would celebrate with his gf and his friend as he’ll be staying with them anyway. DB and his gf only moved in together this year so she has only met him a few times and never for long. I asked my brother if she knows what he’s like and if he has told her about the criminal/ borderline criminal shit the guy keeps getting himself involved in. By his own admission she does not know because he doesn’t want her to judge him before meeting him “properly”.

When I describe this guy as weird that’s putting it mildly. He’s 100% a creep and he’s been in trouble with the law before. I remember from their teens when he beat up my brother (his best friend) so badly that DB couldn’t properly move for days because his back was covered in bruises. He stayed over in our house a lot until my mother barred him after he tried to crawl into her bed. He has zero interest in healthy boundaries and dare I say consent. And yes, I got to experience this myself as well. I could go on forever.

I am absolutely fuming that DB doesn’t want to tell his gf about these things because I think she needs to know when someone will be staying in their place. I’m not saying that he’d do something to her but I think she needs to know at least so she can be safe. I don’t want to be the one to tell her because this might of course rock their relationship, but I think I will tell DB that I will tell her if he doesn’t.

My mother agrees with me but has warned me that DB’s friend might retaliate in some way so to expect some sort of nastiness.

Vent over! And no, I usually don’t involve myself in other people’s relationships but I feel strongly about this one. By all means tell me if I am unreasonable though as I might have tunnel vision. Thank you

She’s met him albeit briefly so she’ll know that my brother won’t be able to take him on physically. I did tell her how badly he had beaten my brother and that she can contact us if she needs more information or if she needs help. Haven’t heard anything since which is a bit unnerving but maybe it just means that this is everything she needed to know.

@Wouldyouguess Yes I agree with you there and they are as guilty as each other in that regard.

I know... "My brother is a good guy but he was fine with the friend tried to sexually assault my Mum and myself, is a thief and routinely harasses multiple people to see their reactions, but otherwise than that a good lad huh".

To be honest OP if you knew about the criminal activities but stepped back and pretend the brother is actually a good guy, you may need a reality check yourself.

Look I’m not going to get into detail on the crap that they did pull together. I already said that I don’t condone it. DB is usually very different to this and gentle and I can’t explain it.

If someone commits crimes, they are not a 'nice' person. You dont harrass with no remorse people and then become 'normal'. More likely your brother is a shit person who should sit in prison together with his mate, but manages to hide his tendencies when surrounded by normal people. No regular person I know does stuff like that and is actually nice. Would you? Id be killed by remorse, your brother has none and instead protects his friend.

You may want to believe the friend is the bad influence and responsible, because your brother is your brother and it is convenient and you can keep your conscience clear by not ringing the police if you think he is 'nice', but all my sympathy go to his victims, not to their abusers. You know of crimes happening and keep your mouth shut, I have zero sympathy here at all.

It sounds like your brother gets a big kick out of the criminal and antisocial behaviour he indulges in with this "friend".
They gang up and bully other people. He isn't brave enough to instigate it but it doesn't sound like he wants it to stop.
You have done the right thing to warn the girlfriend.

Sounds to me like you’re trying to blame this friend for your brothers behaviour, he seems just as bad and a willing participant. Unless he lacks capability then he’s equally culpable. I think you did right telling the girlfriend but honestly she lives with your brother, who is let’s face it , just as bad.

This thread has been going for a while so perhaps someone else has suggested this already, but is it possible that creep guy is blackmailing your brother in some way? Perhaps they both got into something when they were younger and creep either directly or indirectly threatens to out your brother if your brother doesn't do everything he wants when he visits?