I really think I need to say something 😡

[Coffeeblackplease]

Sorry this is long! I hadn’t planned for this to turn into a novella but I think I just needed to vent!

I am about to cause a huge row within my family but I don’t think I am the one who is unreasonable here. I’m really losing patience with my brother who has a weird weird friend (best friend since school days). Granted they don’t see each other a lot now, but every time this guy comes to visit my brother drops everything else as everything seems to revolve around this guy. That’s obviously not my problem, but he seems to completely unable to see things from others perspectives.

My brother is absolutely not like this guy but as soon as he comes over they are attached by the hip and get up to weird shit. So now he is apparently coming over for Christmas because unsurprisingly he doesn’t have anyone else.

My mother and her new partner (who is a therapist) have made it clear that they don’t want him at the family event which we have every year. My mother’s partner has met him before and suspects a personality disorder btw.
DB then declared that he wouldn’t come either and would celebrate with his gf and his friend as he’ll be staying with them anyway. DB and his gf only moved in together this year so she has only met him a few times and never for long. I asked my brother if she knows what he’s like and if he has told her about the criminal/ borderline criminal shit the guy keeps getting himself involved in. By his own admission she does not know because he doesn’t want her to judge him before meeting him “properly”.

When I describe this guy as weird that’s putting it mildly. He’s 100% a creep and he’s been in trouble with the law before. I remember from their teens when he beat up my brother (his best friend) so badly that DB couldn’t properly move for days because his back was covered in bruises. He stayed over in our house a lot until my mother barred him after he tried to crawl into her bed. He has zero interest in healthy boundaries and dare I say consent. And yes, I got to experience this myself as well. I could go on forever.

I am absolutely fuming that DB doesn’t want to tell his gf about these things because I think she needs to know when someone will be staying in their place. I’m not saying that he’d do something to her but I think she needs to know at least so she can be safe. I don’t want to be the one to tell her because this might of course rock their relationship, but I think I will tell DB that I will tell her if he doesn’t.

My mother agrees with me but has warned me that DB’s friend might retaliate in some way so to expect some sort of nastiness.

Vent over! And no, I usually don’t involve myself in other people’s relationships but I feel strongly about this one. By all means tell me if I am unreasonable though as I might have tunnel vision. Thank you

Said no one ever in contact with dodgy men , ever. The only way women are shielded from men like this , is for people to speak up and shine a light on their behaviour.

Then the onus is on her brother to protect his girlfriend not the OP or her mother.
Even it they did say anything to the girlfriend she would probably still stay with her boyfriend for Christmas anyway. So entirely up to her brother, if anything she should get angry with her brother for not telling his gf about his friends past.

Is your brother actually aware of the assaults on your mother and yourself? Because if so, I can't understand how he could consider even speaking this guy.
In your shoes, I'd tell the GF in front of Bro " You do know that F assaulted Mum and then later me? That he is not safe to have in the house around women, and I have no idea why Bro thinks it's OK to keep in contact with him, let alone have him over while you are in the house? Or at all?"
And then, " Bro, what on earth are you thinking? Of course it's not appropriate or safe in any way for GF to be in the house with Creeper, even if you are there too. Given that he's badly beaten you up previously, do you honestly think you'll be able to protect GF? And while we are talking about it, Mum and I are both quite disturbed that you continue to welcome Creeper into the family/your home despite knowing what he has done to us. What have you to say for yourself?"

No, the onus is on everyone who knows this utter shit to tell the girlfriend so that she doesn't have to spend any time with him.

Op it’s not clear from your posts if your brother is properly aware of what his “friend “ has done to you /mother?

Is he fully aware of what’s happened or has it been glossed over?

Yes, you should absolutely share your and your mother’s experiences with this man - it is entirely appropriate for you to share your story so she can make informed choices about whether allow him into her home, or how to behave while he’s there in her shoes I’d go home and have a long thing about whether to continue her relationship. What man puts his partner at risk by inviting a predator into her safe place?

No, it's also his girlfriend's life and she's at risk.

I’m all for blowing the whistle in any scenario. But the reality is if you warn GF she will talk to DB, he will reassure her and DF will go anyway and DB will be furious with you. Unfortunately this is one she will have to find out for herself.

You could drop her text when he’s staying to say that if DF does anything that makes her uncomfortable feel free to contact you.

But even that she will tell DB and you can’t be sure he will act up with her.

Some things NEED to be blown up.

@Coffeeblackplease youd never live with yourself if anything happened to her and you could have protected her

Has your brother explained why he still associates with this man after he attacked him so badly? And after he tried to assault both you and your mother?

If he doesn't tell he you need to. I'd be very disappointed in my brother if I was you. Does he care for his girlfriend at all?

But if he does try it on, at least if she's been warned, she'll know she's not alone and won't have the fear that people won't believe her or will think she led him on that so many women feel in such situations.

And at least OP will have tried to protect her.

I don't think it's right to say it's something she'll need to find out for herself (and at the same time claim you're all for whistle-blowing 🙄 clearly not).

So the friend has a history of violet and predatory behavior, and your DB has invited him to stay with him and his girlfriend, and the girlfriend is in the dark about his track record?

Yes you need to tell her for her own protection, and I hope she dumps your brother's arse for even thinking its acceptable to put her in such a dangerous situation!

Tell the gf.

If I was assaulted by my partners friend then found out him and all his family knew he was a creepy fucker with form I'd be raging with them for not telling me.

I don't think you have a choice here.

The gf is currently scheduled to have a man with a history of violence stay in her home. She needs to be informed so she can make her own decisions. I would not trust your brother to tell her everything.

it’s likely when you tell her and she finds out that your brother was going to bring this man into their home without warning it will end their relationship. That will not be your fault.

Which would be easier to live with - your brother being cross with you or the guilt if something did happen and you had said nothing (not that you are responsible for his behaviour, but from your posts it sounds like you would feel awful if she came to any harm and you hadn't said anything). This man is a predator and even if your brother minimises it, she will be on her guard and in a better position to stay safe.

Yes so tell him, tell her by this time or I will, and then check in with her after this time and say has Bob talked to you about Steve and why I'm worried about him staying at yours? If she says yes, ask if there's anything else she wants to know / does she have a safe place to go if he stays? If no, tell her everything plus the same last bit

I think you should be upfront and tell her in front of him.

@Coffeeblackplease

To me this is an "Am I my sister's/brother's keeper?" situation and the answer is yes. If we know that ANYONE may present a danger to another person we should tell them. I feel it is our duty to tell them.

I''m assuming that DB knows the full extent of his sexual predations on you and your mum. The fact that he appears to dismiss or want to hide this danger to his gf is unforgivable. And I agree with a PP, if I was the gf and this man hurt or frightened me and I found out you knew 'what he was', even if I could forgive you, I'd never trust you again. Shoot, even if this 'friend' never made a wrong move on me but I found out later you knew of the possibility, I'd find it hard to forgive that you let me go into danger without warning me.

I also agree with a PP who said you can't trust your DB to tell his gf the unvarnished truth. He's going to colour it to make this man appear to not present a threat or that 'he's different now'.

How to tell? I'm trying to think what I'd do. I wouldn't want to forewarn my DB out of fear that he's going to take 'preemptive action' and try to convince her that I 'hated' this man and was trying to 'poison her mind' against him. So, I'd either tell her in person or I'd call her and tell her over the phone. Then I'd tell my DB what I've done, unless she wants to confront him herself. What I wouldn't do would be to text or email. You don't want anything in writing that he could show or forward to this man to show what you've said about him or possibly delete before the gf sees it.

IMHO your mother's (and your) wishes not to be around this man take precedence over your DB's desire to have him invited. If your DB chooses not to attend, so be it. But I tell you this, if DB chose to celebrate with this friend instead of family then I'd buy him no gifts and I'd make sure the gf knows she is very welcome to come on her own.

My brother knows what happened because after that his friend wasn’t welcome in the house any more. DB does have a tendency to downplay what this guy is doing though, and I don’t know why.

My brother did explain the beating as them fooling around and it getting out of hand and his friend losing control and not realising how hard he was hitting. Obviously it’s up to him to forgive such a thing, but it’s not the only time he has done something like this and he even got arrested in front of my brother. Again, there were usually excuses or at least reasons why he had done such a thing. It’s like he is on a pedestal for being the ultimate asshole. The mad thing is that my brother would be absolutely livid if someone else did things like this, and I have never seen or heard of him getting into a proper fight apart from that one time when he got beaten up.

Yeah I’m actually feeling ashamed of him now

If these are the things, you actually know about him, god knows what you don’t. I definitely think you should tell her. Your brother is happy to expose you to sexual assault, then let’s face it, he certainly won’t be worrying about his girlfriend.

I think it’s in your brothers gf best interests that you tell her what this person is like. The fact your brother is allowing a man who sexually his sister and mother into his home again is ridiculous.

Your brother is enabling this behaviour but also seems to want this man to like him and allows his to get away with things that no decent person would allow.

My worry is she’s home alone with the friend and he harasses her. I’d also be concerned that your brother would fob it off yet again.

How has he explained to his gf that they are spending Christmas alone? Wouldn’t she question why a long term friend wouldn’t be included in a family dinner?

I'm sorry but there is either something wrong with your brother or very least this relationship. Knowing what this creep did he is fine subjecting his girlfriend to him ?This says to me that your brother thinks this behaviour is OK and I would be questioning if he is actually an innocent bystander or an active participant in his mates antics.
Yes you absolutely have to tell the girlfriend ,if you know this man is an abuser and say nothing and she's assaulted, some guilt would be on your head.

I'd ring her and give her a heads up. Otherwise she'll be upset you knew what he's like, but never informed her. She may be vunerable e.g. drunk and in bed with her boyfriend crashed out on the sofa. Your brother is messed up to want to bring that kind of person into his home.