I think parenting broke our relationship

[User8273738273737]

TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

No one is saying there is no mental load. What people are saying it's there, it's part of life and its not normal to think about it constantly.

It's not part of a lot of men's lives!

Yeah as taking put the trash or mowing the lawn is not part of many women's daily lives.

Do some research on ASD.

I think it's because as mothers we just get on with it and have been doing so for many centuries. It takes a while to get used to when you have a first child but it's a normal part of motherhood and things like this get easier as the years go by. Our recent generations are too used to lives of relative ease so normal life challenges when they come, seem so much bigger.

It's why I sensed straightaway the OP had mental health issues before I actually saw her previous posts about this. If she's struggled with mental health issues previously I can totally understand why she feels more overwhelmed. The problem is she's lacking self awareness and instead focused on blaming her DH rather than focusing on working through her issues, and getting help from others in their family (if they can) with the baby so she gets a break sometimes and also couple time with her husband. She'll end up causing long term issues in the marriage if she doesn't start working on this now.

Yup.

In the kindest way, OP, this parenting shtick is crazy hard & a rollercoaster. The PP who said you've gone from the honeymoon period straight bang into parenting is right- it's a huge change. Give him & you some understanding & credit for what you've achieved.

18 months after meeting, DP & I had a baby. It was mental. 13 years later he's still the best thing that's ever happened to me, despite the tough times. He's the one who's routine driven/ the planner, I'm the seat of my pants one: it can work with flexibility on both sides.

but I have let go of certain things, the inconsequential (eg if he didn’t clean the highchair properly, I’ll just clean it again and keep quiet.).

You're not really letting those things go though, are you? You're picking up what you regard as the slack and then mentally chalking those things up in your log of what makes your husband a negligent parent. No wonder you are feeling resentful.

Seriously why are standards so low for men. I could never imagine wanting a child so much I’d put up with unfairness

Why is it unfair, the OP says he gets up early with the baby/toddler far more than her, so that's something most people would feel was a fair trade for choosing a cot!

OP you sound exhausted.
Trying for perfection that isn’t achievable from yourself or your partner.
Having a child is hard work and chaos , the unpredictability is part of the fun.
You need to find some form of release and relaxation, just for you and no child in tow - it could be yoga , gym or a walk.
Have you spoken to your doctor about medication for your ADHD?

From what you write stress , exhaustion, struggling to relax, poor communication and high expectations are your issues rather than an lazy partner.

Finding balance is very hard for anyone , but add ADHD into the mix ......
Be kind to yourself OP and your Partner you are doing a great job even if you don’t think so

It doesn’t matter what you would prefer to do. I wouldn’t want to have to research and make every decision and neither does OP. If it is such a good trade then swap.

Just because most women would prefer a role or fall into it doesn’t mean OP must be content with that.

@Ohhbaby wow those are massive, daily jobs aren't they that take us so much headspace.

Basically you want him to be you. He isn’t.

You are ill and need treatment. Living with someone with OCD is no picnic and also damaging to your child.

The mental load? Welcome to the world of being a mother

This!

No they aren't massive jobs. To neurotypical people.

The thing with ADHD is that a normal load of things doesn't equate to normal load for someone with ADHD. What happens, especially if you have many tasks, is you overthink them and you do find even a series of simple tasks overwhelming.

That's the point. Simple things become a massive when they shouldnt with ADHD.

Add OCD into the mix and going out to the shops with the baby becomes a mental expedition. Not only do you have the issue of gathering all the baby things together (ADHD means it's very difficult to be organised and thing about a series of things to do) but OCD means that you need to repeatedly check you've got everything.

Normal people can just do it without thinking. This isn't the same if you have ADHD. It can make simple chains of tasks daunting.

The first thing I would say OP is lists are your friend.

Have a 'going out list' to work through so you use the list rather than trying to think about it. Doing this should help alleviate some of the thinking about it.

You need to find ways to 'switch off' from the constantly trying to plan the next thing. You don't have to do as much as you think you do and plan as much as you think. A mind set of 'how do I get through today' is useful and then have a plan for the week. Beyond that try to tackle problems when they arrive rather than trying to plan for problems that may never come to pass.

It sounds a lot like you are experiencing ADHD burnout.

Understanding this and making sure your husband also understands this will help.

And genuinely let your husband do a few things and walk out and do something else. Just leave him to it to work it out himself and to stop you micromanaging him. He will cope. And that will help you to realise he can cope. And that even though it's not your way, it works well enough. It might not be perfect but it will be fine.

@pearshapedmim I’m sorry about your experience and wanted to say you’re very strong for leaving. I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s and the scars are still there but I have been able to move on and find what is a decent man who, as the thread has helped me gain perspective of, is a human who is flawed like I am, but caring and loving. I wish you all the best in this next step of your journey

You’re definitely on to something with the constant demand of my way on things, etc. I’ve changed, maybe less than I think, but he does agree and appreciate that I have taken on board what he said bothers him. Maybe there’s an element of still feeling chased around that he also needs to consider is less the case in the present (perhaps not entirely gone - a good point to bring up in our discussions - I like the difference between argument and discussion a pp mentioned).

I don’t know about autism. Haven’t considered it, but yes have ADHD as mentioned

I can’t take medication for ADHD due to cardiac problems that arouse during the birth. I came very close to dying.
the cardiologist has also advised against the non stimulants

@Solongtoshort

”If you are both leaving what needs saying till you feel like you are at breaking point that it just comes across as criticism, which will only be answered with criticism. Start a discussion off with when you do this/l feel/ could you

example

when you don’t do all the baby proofing, l feel like a nag having to remind you, could you make a list and see to it in a timely manner.”

thank you for the suggestion, I will do this going fwd rather than “YOU DIDNT DO xyz”

@User8273738273737

Thank you, I appreciate that. I want to apologise for my comment to be honest. I didn't mean to belittle your post with my situation. I'm just having a bad day and reading your post just triggered a few things for me.

I really hope you can sort your situation soon and wish you all the best x

I also consider that the ones saying “what research is required? It’s just a cot?” Don’t know that we rent, the space is small, I thought it would be useful to not have a static cot so baby could move around without being picked up/woken up in the early days, didn’t have space for a cot+ next2me etc

so I spent some time thinking and researching and bought a great crib at a very reasonable price that transforms into a cot and later a toddler bed, that is on wheels and has soft sides - DD is a serious mover and would have had a hard time banging her head on slats all the time (as happens at GPs house)

so, sometimes it pays off to be more than just a tad anal about stuff. Agree not all the time

Sometimes. Yes.

However if you'd bought something else which wasn't as good, you wouldnt return it. You'd cope and learn to adapt to it.

That's the point here to a degree, you are constantly looking for problems, then spending huge amounts of time finding ways to avoid those problems and then getting overwhelmed by it. Then you turn around and criticise your DH for not doing things right or efficiently. Yet you are being massively inefficient with your planning and mental loading.

An efficient use of your time and mental load would be just to buy something without all the research. You probably wouldn't notice that it wasn't as perfect as it could be and you would be forced to just get on with it. You would cope.

That's what you need to get in your head - the amount you are investing before you even get to X purchase or task. You aren't reducing it to basic functionality. You are thinking about a million and one considerations no one else would and you don't really NEED.

You are a marketers dream. They are selling you things you didn't even know you wanted and presenting it as a need. It's not. It's really not.

@RedToothBrush this thread has opened my eyes further to the fact that I exhaust myself with things that are of no benefit - I’ve recently started telling myself to not make perfect the enemy of good, because I recognised the struggle in just getting shit done, but I hadn’t thought of the exhaustion and how I then scapegoat DH about it.
I used to be impulsive (but maybe more on interpersonal stuff? Not sure) and seem to have gone wildly too far the other way. what I need is balance, so I can keep the benefits of thinking/analysing/etc without losing sight of proportion. And clear criteria on what warrants the energy it consumes. I also think this will make it easier to shut up whatever it is that tells me I must consider the 173748 sides of everything, because I’ll be able to tell myself “no, it doesn’t meet the criteria, not a good use of time and energy, move on”. I’ve had some related realisations recently about money so can clearly see the usefulness of letting go and moving on to what matters

@RedToothBrush btw, are you a psychiatrist, by any chance? Genuine question

Nope. Just old and see some familiar things in what you say. I have been on the internet a long long time though and sometimes I just see little comments which reveal a hell of a lot more than people realise. I also know a little bit about ADHD and understand how it can be a pain in the bum.

You need to work on your coping strategies and investment in time/energy and learn to know when you are getting bogged down in things you shouldn't.

ADHD people have trouble with prioritisation. You have got into the habit of overplanning - you aren't knowing when you are doing TOO much. And it's creating stress you didn't need. And that's also meaning your ability to cope when things don't go to plan isn't where it should be. You need to build the resilience over how you deal with that slight bit of adversity. You blame others for their lack of planning when it's probably more about your lack of resilience to things not going as smoothly as hoped.

You need to differentiate between what you NEED and want makes you comfortable. This is all about your comfort zone. You struggle outside your comfort zone and not knowing how to deal with things when they go wrong.

If you go to the shops just down the road with your DC what do you take? Do you have a car full? Now think about what you actually NEED? Probably just a change of nappy, car seat and warm clothes. Everyone has a tendency to overpack - but I think this I worse with ADHD / OCD cos you over think it and to a degree are braced for a worse case scenario which isn't even realistic. The same I think is going for your risk assessment over safety. You've gone into a mindset of disaster planning rather than keep things proportional. (And as I say I think marketers do feed on this - a lot of things are sold to as things we never even knew we wanted but suddenly think we need - that by its nature tends to fed on people's anxieties/ vulnerability to creating anxiety).

The other thing I would say is are you planning downtime? Does your DH have time when he goes off and does things where it's just about him? Are you doing this? Don't underestimate that being ADHD means you don't give yourself a mental break because you have so many things to do and you have to do them and if you don't you feel guilty. This means you are more prone to burnout in the first place. Giving yourself permission to 'take time off' mentality if not physically is absolutely essential. Even if it's 'when I get up in the morning, I am going to have a cup of tea and watch ten mins of TV before I do any of the other shit I need to do. And that's YOUR ten minutes where the world can go to shit. You'll feel better able to cope everything else if you allow yourself 'time out'.

What things are triggering you off? If you think about it there will be themes. Deadlines or having to do things within a time limit are the biggest killers for ADHD - they set off The Panic. But there will be certain situations beyond that. Identify them and work out what it is that's bothering you so much and TELL your DH BEFORE that situation arises so he knows what's going on in your head. It will help you communicate better and argue less. "I am worried about this scenario...".