I think parenting broke our relationship

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TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

It sounds like you’re massively overworking parenting, it doesn’t need that much thought! What were your safety concerns?

I'm sorry for the loss of your cat.

It sounds like you are overthinking everything. A lot of parenting is just drudgery and getting on with it I'm afraid. It is hard.

Can you give a specific example of what he's doing wrong, as it isn't clear at all.

Sounds like you need couples counselling. This would help you communicate clearly what your needs are and how they are not being met, in a structured supportive setting.

I am struggling like other posters to understand this post, which tells me you may really benefit from couples counselling to help you communicate as a couple and clarify what the issues are so you can work through them together.

This I'm afraid.

It sounds like you both need to improve your communication about difficult issues - particularly not waiting until things pile up before exploding - and you need to expect something a bit less than perfection. It seems like one of the few cases where couples counselling might be helpful.

I don’t understand the issue. Kids create mental load and yes they change dynamics. This can not be a surprise surely?

Dh and I didn't really argue until the kids came along - it was hard, sure there are fun moments - but mostly just bloody hard. We came through it but for people like us, having kids did not make us closer it added a lot more stress to our lives.
I end arguments that aren't going anywhere - I insist we stop and resume the next day when we are more likely to be less emotional and more in solution mode. Initially, dh found that hard - he wanted immediate resolution but it's not possible when two people are in argument mode.
The dead cat thing? I assume this is bringing shit up from before - it was in our wedding vows that we wouldn't do this - I listened to my parents do this for years to punish and abuse each other and there was no way I wanted to repeat that shit.
Sounds like you have gone from having a really good relationship into a difficult patch - it's only the end if you both allow it to be.

I understand your post because I've been there. It's everything and nothing, it's so hard to put your finger on. Traumatic birth, mental load, wonderful relationship but parenting can just change everything and that adjustment can be so hard.

I will say this: therapy. Your body and your mind needs at least two years to recover after a pregnancy and IMO after a traumatic birth you do need longer. Therapy works, even if you don't think you need it, it sounds like you're finding it hard to manage the shift post-baby.

Secondly: if you're within the first year of having a baby, never say divorce. Unless obvs there's serious abuse going on! But the crying, the sleeplessness, the needs of a tiny being that can't communicate exactly what they need can drive anyone up the wall and relationships can change, even just for a few months.

I say this with kindness OP: invest in therapy for yourself to deal with birth and everything else and then go from there. You can and you probably will find your way back to each other, but it takes work (which seems impossible with everything that comes with a baby). Hang in there. X

100% understand what you said. It's more like gender and society issue. However the society changes, most of time women will be forever the primary caregiver.

Parenting is fucking hard op. I hope.what you can take away from this post is that pretty much all parents will struggle in the early years. We all have differences and frustrations with our partners. My dh had a terrible habit of placating our children with treats and tv and basically being good cop to my bad cop. It used to piss me of no end but when we could stop bickering and actually talk about it he explained that he hated how strict I was about food....we both had something to learn from each other really. Anyway, lots of people have said the issue here is communication not what you do vs what he does. You need to be able to speak to one another without it becoming a fight to be won. Maybe some couples therapy would be a good call.

It sounds to me like the core issue here is that neither of you have learned how to argue.

It’s a learned skill set. Have a look at the Gottman Institute for solid, research based advice and information.

I also want to ask: how often do you two chat? In relationship advice there’s always mention of date nights and making time for yourselves as a couple but personally speaking, we’ve had stretches of months, and even a year, at a time without that. But we chat everyday, at least twice (usually dh rings me on his commute) and we talk about everything and anything. I strongly believe that a few minutes of mundane talk everyday is much more important than dates. Because you’re meeting each other in real terms, not putting on a good face. And when something needs saying it doesn’t fester.

Parenting is a hard slog op. And it takes a toll on relationships. But it sounds like you have something worth working on.

Couples counselling would probably be a good start for you - if he can't take criticism without going on the attack, then talking things through calmly with a counsellor might really help.

At 18 months your DD is still very little, you're still very much in the trenches of parenting. It's worth working on your relationship, you'll come out the other side in a few years.

Dead cats? As in more than one? Where are they coming from? Unless you run some sort of feline hospice, that seems like something you should look into.

It sounds like you're both trying hard, with different strengths and weaknesses, but that you could work as a good team as you could complement each other. Only you know if you still want to be with him, though. Before making a decision about your future, it could be worth speaking with your GP about your mental health - you sound really overwhelmed and stressed, which can be a sign of postnatal depression or anxiety.

OP, it's completely normal for a relationship to change a lot after having a baby. I agree with other posters that yours doesn't sound too bad really (he does a good share of the "here and now" stuff, you do more of the mental load but he has a more demanding job). I don't think you can entirely blame him for not doing lots of research etc before making a decision - that's a personality difference IMO, not necessarily a "you're right, he's wrong" situation.

However, never mind what any of us think, you don't sound happy so you're right to try and address that. I think counselling would really help to talk this all through. Wishing you all the best OP.

Lots of people suggesting couples counselling, but I wonder if some individual counselling first wouldn't be a bad idea. It is hard to see from your post what your actual grievance is (taking on the mental load of parenting?) I wonder if you're still reeling from the traumatic birth and the change that parenthood has thrown upon you, first and foremost, and then you as a couple.

DP and I were just discussing yesterday how our relationship has taken a back seat during early parenting years. However, we're both in a good place mentally, both putting our energy into small people and and confident and looking forward to actually sleeping in the same bed again one day. We both accept we can't have it all at the moment.

R.e. mental load - IME it does sort of become one person's job, unless you're amazing at communicating each time someone notices such and such is running low, there's a sale on and we could get next year's winter coat, there's a party invitation to reply to - who shall do that?. It is quicker just to get on and do these things than have a prolonged conversation about it in most cases. But I think talking about it more, working out some kind of system can help.

Choosing clothes and buying nappies and wipes is hardly a "mental load".

If you research and double check everything you are going to exhaust yourself. I agree with others - counselling might help. Good luck OP it sounds as if you had a good start and a good foundation so you have the basics to get past this in your relationship.

Think about everything that he does do. Everything . Write it down if you have to.
From what you have said he is doing an awful lot, you mentioned the admin required to size up the babies clothes on your list - really?
Once you have a list of everything he does and has done sit back and decide whether your life is easier with him in it or not.
You might be surprised.

I don’t get you at all tbh. Yea, you have different ways of doing things - makes sense, you are different people.
So you do child admin…is it too much for you? Do you want him to choose the next nursery? Buy the next round of baby clothes? Because if so just ask him. And he’ll do it differently to you, and that’s normal as he is different.
Sounds to me like you have the good parenting jobs! I love choosing the clothes and I liked looking round schools and nurseries tbh! Way better than night wakings!
Ill be honest: I think it sounds like you have expected too much from another person.

My DH is an incredible dad - loving, present, works longer hours than me so wouldn’t say household tasks are quite 50/50 but he does a fair amount given that, and definitely his share of childcare. Didn’t really get up much with her for the first 2 years because DD coslept with me as it was just what worked best, but now we’re past that stage he probably gets up more to her, or with her in the morning so I can have an extra half hour. Lots more reasons.

But the mental load is indeed almost entirely mine. I’m a bit of an over thinker too and had post natal anxiety so I also probably over-researched everything, and had strong feelings about how I wanted to do certain things like weaning etc. It is frustrating to do all the thinking, and be expected to remember everything and make all the decisions - but I’m probably a bit controlling at heart because ultimately I’m glad we went with my choice of school, that we have the car seat I believe was safest based on research etc etc.

I’ll add that he does do mental load/ admin stuff when it comes to the house/ general life stuff it’s just default parent stuff that seems to fall to me.

You can’t both be good at everything.

Are the mistakes he’s making actually mistakes or just him doing it differently to how you would! It really is important to know the difference and let some things go even if you feel like they don’t live up to your standards. Obviously not safety stuff, but in our case when my husband is in charge of meals they won’t always be the most balanced for example, or he’ll put something on her for nursery that in my head was more for ‘best’ or vice versa, but so what really?

I’m struggling to see the issue and would happily do a husband swap! 🤣

I have 3 under 5 and work with very little support from DH, I’m not saying that to diminish your feelings, simply to reassure you that your DH seems like a very decent and considerate man.
Another poster hit the nail on the head in terms of organisation. Vaccinations are infrequent and sorted for you by a GP, especially just for one child and things like nappies are just an essential in a weekly shop, surely?
I say this with kindness, but perhaps the issues are more exaggerated in your head that in reality?
The fact he gets up with your child much more than you do, despite having a much trickier job, suggests he is a caring and considerate man trying to do the best by you and your child.

In your examples it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Sorting baby clothes as you go along isn’t a big deal. You only have one child. In a relationship there has to be a lot of give and take and him getting up in the mornings with a child is a big plus if it’s something you find hard to do. I think you should generally chill out a bit. What are you actually researching?

We learned very early on that splitting every task 50/50 is not the most effective split of labour as it leads to both of you doing EVERYTHING which is quite stressful. I’ve always done the child admin - even now they’re older; I order new clothes, make sure they have healthy meals and that all of their school stuff is ordered etc. If I need help, I ask, ‘X has such and such coming up, can you sort it?’ and he does. My husband sorts things I don’t (finances, savings, mortgage & bills etc) and this works. If he needs me to take over anything he asks. It sounds like you have a similar division of labour - particularly as you say your partner’s job is more intense. We fell into this pattern over time and now we’ve been doing it some years, it works for us. Sometimes my tasks will be more intense (Christmas, birthdays, new school year) and sometimes his will.

We also found the early years hard on our relationship. Having babies is the only time I’ve really found it hard to like my husband at times, and it can feel really Every Man For Himself. Keep going and remember this too shall pass.

I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

So you have a very particular way of doing things and they HAVE to be that way. You don't do things spontaneously or instinctively. You have to research and double check to do things 'the right' way.

If he doesn't do things in that exact way, or makes a mistake you get really upset and then take over?

This isn't normal to be doing this, to this degree. This screams anxiety and insecurity to me. There's plenty of reasons why you might be like this, but it's ultimately not healthy.

Your behaviour is very rigid and inflexible. You can't tolerate people who learn on the job by doing and are ok learning through making mistakes. Everything has to be perfect in your world and anything less than perfect isn't ok.

I'm going to put this out there and say this is a you problem not a him problem. You are being overly controlling and when he does try, you undermine him and probably knock his confidence. He isn't getting the opportunity to learn by doing because you don't allow him. This means he doesn't bother, cos what's the point you'll only give him a mouthful. Everything he says in response isn't good enough for you - you think it's excuses. It's probably not. It's probably you being overly uptight and having a lack of ability to cope with normal mistake making. He can't win. He doesn't see things because they don't actually matter to the degree you think they do. There isn't just one 'right' way of doing things and it's natural and acceptable to make mistakes.

This isn't healthy on your part. You are going to struggle as your baby gets older. You have to learn to relax and let go. Parenting is all about guiding your child but ultimately letting them go - not controlling them by wrapping them up in cotton wool / protecting them. And the controlling behaviour is going to lead to conflict with them too eventually.

You aren't going to escape this. You could break up with your partner but you'll still have the issue when co-parenting. Perhaps even worse.

You need to start thinking 'does it really matter if he makes mistakes?' The answer is no. You say it's a safety thing - babies are more robust than we give credit and many of the 'rules' about what you should and shouldn't do aren't as hard and fast as you think. Shouting and scolding him like a child isn't going to help if he doesn't know. It will just make him switch off and not listen as it's just another lecture.

You need to improve your communication if that's happening. You can't be confrontational and accusatory "you stupid man didn't you think? If you do X then you might kill baby blah blah". You have to be supportive and calm and explain better without being critical. But equally you need to learn to pick your battles over when it's just annoying and when it's actually dangerous. You have to give him the time and space to learn - that might be with you not in the room watching over him like a hawk but instead letting him getting on with it and sorting out the mistakes rather than you sorting out things if they don't go to plan. That might be his style of learning - and equally that might turn out to be your child's style of learning too. Your partner needs to build skills and confidence without you constantly criticising and undermining confidence.

A lot of the time, him doing things 'wrong' really doesn't matter beyond being annoying or possibly a bit of an inconvenience.

More generally I think you need to ask questions over the level of your rigidity and why / where it's coming from and take steps to tackle it. Is it anxiety? Is it insecurity? Is it actually possibly a disability? You need to learn to relax rather than get into a cycle of being upset about things not going perfectly. Or understand why you feel like that and whether that's normal so you can unlearn that pattern of behaviour.

Honestly what screams out to me, is this need to plan things and research things in great detail. It's a red flag for something to me. I'm not totally sure what it is but I think it's at the heart of your relationship issues. Understanding the root cause will help you both understand each other in the long term and you will improve your communication if you work out why you feel things need to be done a right way and you open yourself up to the idea of multiple right ways which might not all be perfect but are sufficiently ok.

Remember not everyone does this research and planning thing and their children survive and work out just great.

Making relationships work after children can be hard, you have to adjust as things won't be the same again. Just talk calmly and discuss things that niggle you, make sure you have date night once a month.
But to be honest i can't see much wrong with him, he seems pretty fair and decent and I certainly wouldn't leave him.