I think parenting broke our relationship

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TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

The only issue I can glean from the post is something about not being able to trust him with the baby’s safety? What is he doing that is so unsafe?

I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier.
This jumped out at me. Don’t do the stuff- if he makes a mistake, it happens! I’m torn between how will he ever learn and maybe you made that mistake too and thinking of my friend who once showed me her dh’s ‘shit tidying’ that she said she’d have to do again, and it (to me) was the equivalent of what I’d be absolutely thrilled with! So either you have unreasonable expectations or he does mess up but either way it’s not up to you to do everything, divide up what needs to be done!

Firstly, I think parenting nearly breaks most relationships.

I wondered how you are yourself? You've got a lot in your post - birth trauma and a health condition. Then you talk about having to research and not trusting him.

What things specifically do you not trust him to do? What I'm getting at is whether he's objectively doing things that are risky/dangerous or if you could be over worrying. The two scenarios require different solutions.

I'm sorry, but if you're upset about division of labour, I know which one I'd choose to do if the division is that one of you doing 'way more' morning wake ups and the other books a nursery and shops for baby clothes on Vinted

Your post is confusing but it seems like he helps and pull his weight.

Man are not same as women and don’t have that maternal instinct so yes many things will fall on you; especially when they are little but if he is supportive, caring, work and help in the house, wake up with baby and give you a break when you need it,I don’t see a problem.

It seems to me the problem is you, are you suffering from postraumatic birth/ depression?

Yeh I’m still stuck on the dead cats on table phrase

@LoneFemaleTraveller @Smartiepants79 @fuchsteufelswild @mfbx5sf3 I’m almost 100% that OP is referring to the dead cat strategy, which is actually political; I’ve never heard of it referenced in relationships, though I suppose it would work the same way? In politics, the theory is you make a shocking statement and it diverts attention away from your failures in other areas. Calling it the “dead cat strategy” comes courtesy of (god, this bastard is the gift that keeps on giving) Boris Johnson’s… erm… I think press secretary? Maybe public relations? I just remember his name was Crosby. Boris Johnson wrote a column about Australian legislation, and said it was like throwing a dead cat in the middle of a table, because you could then guarantee everyone would be talking about the dead cat and not the original topic.

I somehow doubt anyone wanted more insight into a politician’s mind on a relationships thread, but here we are. Sorry, vipers.

Given that mine changed about three nappies ever, never got up once in the night, contributed a baby bath to ds' needs and thought that made him dad of the year, and has never planned anything - holiday, day out, clothes, shoes, schools etc - your dh sounds pretty good. I gave up after three years and left, so I've done 100% for the last 12 years. I did 99% for the first 3 years.

Your dh is better at leaping out of bed early mornings, and you're better at planning things in advance. That's teamwork. You make the best use of each other's strengths, not expect both people to be perfect.

Lyndon Crosby is an election strategist, he specialises in getting unsuitable and undesirable people elected.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_cat_strategy

Did you use AI to write that op?
Anyway ......nothing you have alluded to sounds catastrophic. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming.

“Tbh you sound so intense and need to relax into parenthood . Not everything has to be done with military precision. You have listed a lot of qualities in your partner that others would crave . Don't push him away with unnecessary demands to suit your agenda and not the situation .”

This. I’m also struggling to understand what the problem is which suggests communication may be a bit of a problem for you. Unless your child has additional needs, the mental load for a single child isn’t huge and it sounds like he’s doing lots of the heavy-lifting parenting. Are you still traumatised from the birth or perhaps suffering from postnatal depression)?

Not broken; battered. It’s what happens in the early years of parenting to all relationships, even the best ones. It’s tough, I do feel for you. But it sounds like you’ve got a solid base on which to build from: a decent partner whom you love.

The tiredness and exhaustion you both feel now doesn’t last forever. But it is hideous while it lasts. Plus you have the trauma of a difficult birth to process. These are Big Things.

They are not insurmountable. Take some time away together, if you possibly can. A couple of nights. A change of scene. Some time to rest, some time for fun, some time to talk. To have difficult conversations. Flush out and listen to the frustrations and fears you both have. Start planning how to resolve them. You may not immediately know how, but you can commit to working through it all together.

Parenting is really, really tough. It brings unrelenting pressure to bear on the strongest relationships. I recognise and remember the stage you describe. What I wish I had known then is that the fire of these years can forge a bond that will get you through the challenges of the years ahead together. Learning to argue and have the tough conversations positively together now will set you up for what lies ahead. Coaching or counselling may be helpful, giving you tools to change the script and the rut of communication you may be in. Fast forward 10 years, and from what I can see it’s the relationships that did this work and evolved together that are in the best shape. Committing and recommitting to each other - accepting you have different strengths and styles but will ultimately work together gives you both the space and security to find a balance that works for all.

Everything feel so much worse when you are tired.

Good luck.

37 replies and not a single mention of postnatal depression… there is a very good questionnaire on the NHS website, OP, maybe you want to have a look at it. And yes - if you feel like there is a problem then there’s one. Trust your gut xx
Therapy/personal counseling may also help to understand better what exactly bothers you.

I agree it’s hard to know exactly what the issue is- can you give examples of what eventually makes you lose your temper? He does sound like he pulls his weight but you obviously have a reason for feeling frustrated.

@Ad12345678 I saw a few suggestions that might be it. Agree that's what it sounds like given the birth and the fact he sounds decent.

@PeacefulPottering you're so over things like this that you felt the need to comment THREE times to say how stupid you thought it was? Very peaceful of you. Consider changing your name to something more troll appropriate.

There are mentions of this in the replies.

Good knowledge on the dead cat! My exDP was a big one for that, and an absolute expert in whataboutery: could derail any argument and send it off down a rabbit hole. I think it came from his very hostile childhood relationship with his sister. Never wanted to be wrong or concede a point. Not a great way to negotiate, compromise and resolve relationship issues.

If you don't want him I'm sure many other women will take him from what you described 😀 Give your head a wobble and stop being so intense. Not everything has to be perfect. I've been doing 100% of parenting (plus working full time) for 13 years and you sound very spoiled by your supportive husband. Be careful what you wish for as parenting alone is not going to make your mental load any easier.

Hi OP, I do sympathise with your frustration at what feels to you like weaponised incompetence. But actually to me it sounds like your husband is probably exhausted - and so are you. He may be the half-asleep on his feet kind of exhausted, whereas you may be the wired and hyper-vigilant kind of exhausted. Definitely consider PND as PP have said, but you don’t have to be depressed to be fed up if you’re not getting what you need.

Rather than putting pressure on him to be more organised, perhaps you need to put less pressure on yourself. Maybe some of that research you’re doing doesn’t have to be done? You say you’re focused on making things nicer for the family, but it seems like this is the biggest challenge for your family right now?

Put some of your organising skills to work thinking about how you can give yourself a bit of a break (without risking baby’s health) and whether your husband might have a point in cutting certain corners. Consider whether there’s a compromise between his way and your way.

And work on your own boundaries. If you think you are doing too much, then do less of something that won’t hurt the baby. In my case I stopped cooking. I was sorry about it because I love cooking and it gave us all a lot of joy, but there wasn’t time and it was the thing I could stop doing with the least harmful impact on our lives. My other half cooks now, or I make simple meals like supermarket marinaded meat with steamed veggies. We miss my cooking, but we’re all eating healthily, and life goes on.

I'm getting lots of positive stuff about your partner from your post but not many negatives, what's the actual issue? So far I've got that you carry most of the mental load and organise and plan stuff, and if your partner does that he makes mistakes. Are they really mistakes, or just not what you'd do? Without details of actual scenarios it's difficult to judge. If you do want to share the mental load, you have to be prepared to lose control of things, and accept it's human nature to do things differently. All the stuff you don't plan won't happen exactly as you want, and that's the trade off you make when you don't plan it yourself. If it's consequential mistakes, like forgetting to pay a bill, then you have more right to be more annoyed, but still, everyone makes mistakes. If it's mistakes of no real consequence, let them slide, it's not worth the headspace, and just doing things differently certainly is not. Just like if you're delegating at work, you can't micromanage, it's a bit like that with co-parenting! You seem to be suggesting communication issues too, but I really can't get from your post what they actually are? Yes it can be frustrating, but that's relationships! It feels from your post that there were no really issues in your relationship that needed addressing before you had children, and parenthood has raised the inevitable ones, which is now making you question what you thought your relationship is. To me it doesn't sound like your relationship is ruined at all, it's just different. Normal relationship issues around sharing responsibility and communication are now arising when they hadn't before, so you're navigating new bumps in the road. All relationships change after having children. Yes some relationships don't survive this, but ime it's often due to one or both partners not accepting the changes and working together through them. 18 months if parenting is still quite early days, at least you are talking. But the version of the relationship you had before children is gone, never to return, its best to just accept that.

You sound intense. Are you a perfectionist? If so I think you might need to lower your standards and give a little leeway.

If he is making the same mistakes, tell him 'don't buy........ It is not as good as,.........'
You need to be specific

Sounds like he is doing his best TBH.
Don't understand the dead cats reference

I think you sound rather lucky and can't see what the issue is.

I learned the answer to the dead cat. It was to firmly return the conversation to the current issue “Yes,but we’re not talking about that now, we’re discussing x” and remind him that, if he had a problem with things I was doing, he should raise it at the time and not as a deflection from something that was an issue now.

OP, can you give some examples of things he’s done that mean you don’t trust him? Difficult to judge otherwise. He might be making mistakes because he’s sleep deprived as well as being a new parent, for example, which would be absolutely normal.

I can't see what your issues are.

Dead cats?

I really don’t know from your post exactly what your dp is doing wrong.
He’s not very thorough with research for what?

I do wonder if you’re suffering with depression.