I think parenting broke our relationship

[User8273738273737]

TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

@spitefulandbadgrammar exactly! He won’t think, I mentioned to him that asking me what I prefer all the time may seem accommodating and nice but it also means the decision making is pushed onto me. And there are steps to it, as much as people are saying I’m OTT about clothes or other things. Children are expensive, they also have no agency and choices have ramifications.

Yeah this is a you problem. I don't think you need couples counseling, I think you need therapy as an individual.

He's working full time, doing things round the house, doing the night get ups, doing lots of stuff with your LO and your complaint is that he's not done half the baby proofing which you've taken as a sign he's not invested in your life, and hasn't cleaned the high chair to your exacting standards.

Honestly you don't need to research loads of baby stuff - measure the space, work out your budget and pick something, your DC doesn't give a shit whether they're in an IKEA antilop or a stokke tripp trapp. None of this is a big deal. I do the vast majority of our life admin because I work significantly less than my DH, it's often dull and tiresome, and sometimes it feels like a lot (especially at this time of year) but you're making a mountain over a molehill.

The constant bbbbrrrr is typical of autism or ADHD in women. Both are often misdiagnosed as or comorbid with anxiety disorders such as OCD.

Seriously if you haven't, look up symptoms for both in women and see what comes out.

When I first read your OP I thought it, then when you said you had an OCD diagnosis it's made me wonder more and you now saying the brrrrr in your head really makes me raise my eyebrows further.

I might be wildly off, but I'm seeing things in what you say - including being unable to articulate examples well.

Your barometer of what is 'normal' seems slightly off whack here.

Thanks again for replies - I’m trying to read the whole thread and take replies into account and get perspective on this. There’s a balance to be achieved here where I can be OTT but he can also do things differently/or at all. We both need to improve how we communicate/arguing well is a skill, as pp put it.

now I need to get on with some house stuff so need to step away from the thread - to those who think this is an AI post 🙄

@RedToothBrush I do have ADHD. But the diagnosis is recent and has been a huge relief to understand myself better in other arenas, but am still trying to understand how it affects/manifest itself so didn’t consider it in this light.

I'm very like you OP, my brain is very busy and I'm always thinking or planning.

I know that it's more of a personality thing though. I don't resent my DH for not being that way, because he does also do plenty of thinking/planning just not as much.

I think you're probably just overloading yourself a bit with it.
He sounds lovely

Be honest tho, if he made a decision without you, would you appreciate it or would it be the wrong decision? I suspect you would not be happy with his choice and would still be critical.

I know you said your OCD was cured but all of what you say makes me question whether it is

As pp said, with parenting you have to let things go otherwise you will transfer this wanting to be perfect onto your child and end up losing both your dh and child

Finding out how to do practical things for your baby is one thing

But why would you research cots beyond the colour scheme of the nursery
They are sold with a safety certificate so that side of thing is covered.

A lot of parenting is instinctive. If it wasn’t and needed to be learned from websites then the human race wouldn’t be here.

You might be calm around your dh but things like cleaning the high chair after he has cleaned it is not the actions of someone who is calm
If you want to take on more and more stuff then carry on the way you are
going eventually if I saw you cleaning something after I had cleaned it then I wouldn’t bother doing it again. That would become your job.

Your dh sounds amazing. Mine was back at work after a couple of weeks off and and was away 3 weeks in every 4 for the whole of dc’s childhood
Add in that I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep and was hobbling round with what eventually got diagnosed as a slipped disc for 7 years. I was so grateful for any help I could get whether it was perfectly done or researched or not.

The advantage of having someone in the partnership who is not very focused on minutia all the time is that often they don't get bogged down when that stuff needs to be ignored in preference to the bigger picture of generally keeping things going on a more general way.
I sometimes find I'm overwhelmed and then not as effective cos I'm trying to do too much whereas DH can focus on the top priority because he isn't seeing it all.
Pros and cons to both.

If he doesn't do things the way you like them done and it makes you anxious just say to him leave the highchair cleaning I'll do that while he looks after the baby.
Regarding safety issues - you wouldn't be a normal parent if you didn't worry about safety ! It is natural part of being a parent but you have to accept that your husband may have a different view for instance you might want him to fix safety locks on to the lower kitchen cupboards to stop baby getting at the cleaning products he might think why don't we just move them to a top cupboard where she can't reach them. So he doesn't think it is a priority to fit them. Hence you then think he isn't thinking about childs safety ! Might be an idea not to generalise about safety issues address each thing specifically with him.so ifhe hasn't fitted the cupboard locks ask him what he thinks about kitchen safety.
Everyone has a different idea about kitchen safety with young children and pets.
My daughter for instance let's her dog run round her feet,when she is cooking.
When I am at her house I prefer to shut him of the kitchen so I don't trip over him. He doesn't like it. But I personally feel its a safety issue for me and the dog but my daughter doesn't, I am just using this as example.

ADHD/OCD - you ain’t no cup of tea and he sounds like he does loads

I have members of family with both and its takes a team to manage home

OP.. i really think your communication style might be causing some issues here.

You're doing a lot of talking, there are a LOT of words coming out, but very little actual tangible information or answers to questions.

You need to learn to be a little more direct/to the point.

When you waffle people that are looking for direct information to latch on to are going to switch off from listening, and then you're going to get issues where you feel unheard, and they feel frustrated because they don't understand what you're getting at.

It is hard being the decision maker about everything. As much as people are taking the piss – “research a cot? Just Google one and buy it” — the googling and buying is the research. It might only take 5 minutes, and a quick “do I want the plain wood ikea one or the white one with drawers?” decision, but it’s the cumulative nature of all the five-minute decisions: what’s for breakfast, what’s the toddler wearing, how many clothes in the nursery bag, walk or pram to nursery, need to order XYZ, do we need more Calpol, etc, then by dinner time you’re gazing into the abyss and your partner says, oh we need X, I’ll order it if you tell me which one and you want to burn him with the fire of a thousand suns.

BUT. I think it’s key to recognise that that’s just life. Stuff has to be done: someone needs to get up with kids in the night, someone needs to book the babysitter, someone needs to add milk to the shopping list and someone needs to buy it. When children are tiny, it feels relentless because it is, and it’s really easy to feel like you do it all and the other person doesn’t, even if it’s 50/50, simply because there’s a lot to do!

The answers (to me) are: (1) time. Children get easier, though there’s always work and decision making (schools! Uniform! Homework! Costumes! Donations!). (2) communication and swapping chores if either party is dissatisfied, bored, fed up. (3) Simplifying stuff and making easy choices. Paying a cleaner, getting a robot hoover, tolerating more dirt and mess, buying bigger size clothes less often – we can get three years out of a winter coat! One year too big, one year just right, one year a bit snug but ok. Accepting that the house will be quite messy for a few years no matter what magical storage solution there is. Batch cooking and menu planning and being quite boring. When the DC are older, limiting activities and choosing the nearest school not the best one, to make our lives easier. (4) Kindness to each other. Recognise that there’s no life hack in the world other than being a millionaire that will make parenting easy: not the Organised Mum Method, not Fair Play, not your kid sleeping through. It’s hard work, until one day it isn’t.

I would suggest that the constant brain whirrrr only happens when someone is overwhelmed, stressed or struggling.

NOT having the whirrr is the healthy state to be in. As it allows you to be in the present with yourself, others and your child.

So it is unfair to complain that he's not in that state, when he's modelling healthy behaviour.

Perhaps you could genuinely split chores and then you need to respect his decision. Eg buy baby a winter coat. He does it. If you don't like it tough.

It's his baby too and he can make choices.

But also there really shouldn't be that many decisions in normal life with one small child

Well aren't you just a fucking delight

Would you like to people to look into the cot?
Sounds like a highly inefficient use of recourses.

And be honest if you're going to say 'he can take over some of it'. : "are you going to be happy with the way he does it?
Or are your probably going to say, he didn't think enough, didn't do it right so I ended up doing it.

Because uhmm then it's more efficient if you do it from the start.

I do things differently than my husband. I am not as careful and are happier for the kids to take more risks. So we don't baby proof stairs etc. I allow them to climb up stuff my husband would normally say no.

But here's the thing I am also am adult and can make risk assessments. I don't think it's fair if I have to make every decision the same as my husband would.
Similarly your husband has agency and does not have to be the same as you (whicj in all honesty sounds unhealthily OCD)

Sounds pretty normal to me - parenting always throws up a few issues but he’s doing his share while supporting you while you recover. I’d say these issues are pretty solvable.

Baby Admin? I think buying cream, nappies, baby clothes doesn't take up much headspace. Pop it on a supermarket delivery list. Same with baby clothes. Things like cots, prams, buggies etc - you will have done this by now.
Im not entirely sure what your DH is doing wrong here, he seems to be doing an equal share tbh. I mean this kindly, I think your rigidity and perhaps ADHD and OCD might be at play here, rather than DH. His brain might not be buzzing as he can switch off, you have more difficulty doing so, but that isn't really his fault.

He sounds fine. You sound hard work.

Maybe you are spending way more time with your child than he is ( due to work) You are getting to know the intricacies and nuances of your own child and learning how to manage those situations for them. He has less time with the child day to day and makes decisions based on what he knows but you have more one to one time. Then when some untoward or unsuccessful event occurs you feel this is another problem for you to work out. At the same time if a dead animal appeared on the table due to consideration for his own needs or aggression from him he is not thinking about child welfare.

No she doesn't. She sounds like a stressed first time mother with a young kid.
OP I think most relationships take a hit when a baby comes along - time will show whether you can refind yourselves or if it's too much. But 18 months is still early days.

This.

Please go for therapy @User8273738273737 , you're the one making a mountain of a molehill here. Do also get checked out for postnatal depression and postnatal anxiety which may be affecting how youre perceiving things💐

Nothing in life is ever perfect and your DH is doing great considering the circumstances - I actually for sorry for him that you don't get this! And what you're having to do sounds totally normal for a mother - she's your child too, just get on with it 😕 Practise more gratitude each day for the big things and the little things, there are so many childless couples who would love to have a child and be in your situation.

I would focus on improving your behaviour towards him lest he himself decides he wants out of the relationship down the line. The reality is a LOT of women in the real world would more than happily snap him up if he became single.

I think the posters saying "admin? What admin?" are being a bit unfair. Surely we all know about the extra mental load associated with having DC?

OP, he sounds like a caring father who's doing his fair share. Perhaps, this is more about accepting that he might not do things the way you prefer, but this is perfectly fine.

Given the traumatic birth, do you think it would be worth revisiting individual therapy?

Also, re. decision-making, would it help to take the burden away by signing up to a company that reviews products e.g. Which?. That way, you could both agree to only buy things that are above a certain rating.

Alternatively, now that you have done research, could you tell him what your preferred companies and products are? E.g. Marks and Spencers for baby clothes (or whichever your favourite is!).