I think parenting broke our relationship

[User8273738273737]

TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

The clean highchair thing is a classic example of

1. is he just not doing it all, and leaving caked on food and mess; ( not OK and lazy)

Or 2) is he wiping it down and getting ut generally clean but there might a spot or two . ( completely normal and fine)

Only you know whether he's genuinely being lazy and not doing things. Or is not doing things to your standard

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat.

Honestly, I think this is SMB (standard male behaviour). I've seen - and experienced it - over and over again. I think men are much better at compartmentalising, so things get filed away and forgotten. They also have a narrower focus of concern, so their attention is on their job, or their sport, or whatever. On top of that, society constantly gives them the message that women are the ones who do the 'relationship labour', so men don't need to care about how things are going - until, of course, it's too late and their behaviour has damaged the relationship beyond repair.

I have absolutely no idea what women can do about any of this, really. Maybe it's hard wired. I suppose back in our hunter gatherer past, it helped to have one half the tribe intensely focussed on a narrow range of things, like hunting. Meanwhile the other half had to do and think about everything else.

One thing about the thinking that frustrates me is that I will be the one who goes on the Gottman Institute‘s website, I’m the one who will search for a relationship counsellor, I’m the one who is looking at sorting out our finances in terms of what’s best to do with savings and so on, i’m the one that is doing all of this and other stuff that requires thinking - the cot, the pram, the bed, the storage solution ( we live in a small place), and so on. I said to him that leaving me with all of these decisions over time (the largest chunk is pre natally) has meant leaving me with the weight of thousands of pounds to spend whilst he doesn’t have to feel bad if he makes bad choices, I do

@spitefulandbadgrammar I found a nappy in the washing basket. Wrapped up ready for the bin, I'd obviously just chucked it in at the same time as her clothes! We're all a bit daft when we're tired from general life aren't we 🤣

It’s number 2 so I’ve learned to let go because it’s normal and not a big deal and I was being a nag. This is part of my listening to what he’s saying he had a problem with, and changing my behaviour. I don’t get that favour returned

also yes, re babyproofing: we’ve got stair gates still in their boxes in the attic, never installed. I stuck those clips on the kitchen cupboards, couldn’t open them myself, and cut through them with kitchen scissors in a fury. All you need is a playpen to imprison them when you need to answer the door, and a high chair and a toy to occupy them when you cook. Put saucepans at the back of the hob and don’t leave hair straighteners on in their reach.

However, if it’s something you’ve agreed together needs to be done, and it’s on his list, it’s fair to be irritated that he wants you to remind him – doesn’t have to be babyproofing, just any task that’s his should be his. Not his but only if you make a list and a plan for it. You’re not his PA and nipping that dynamic in the bud will prevent resentment down the line.

Not read through all the posts, he works hard, he helps with baby, what's all this business with baby admin and all that sort of stuff, it's a baby they eat shit and sleep you seem to have really over complicated things and you sound like very hard work.

Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll have a look.

the replies are coming quicker than I can get through all of them so struggling to tag - those that have suggested couples counselling, I agree.

It does sound like you are just very stressed. Eg you are worried about bad choices impact of thousands of pounds.

It's a cot, buggy, highchair. They all do roughly the same thing.

You do seem really worried and stressed about normal life.

I can't even fathom why you would be moaning about thinking of buying cots and such like it's not hard it's beyond ridiculous that you are making an issue of such insignificant things.

Generally on mumsnet most men seem pretty useless and there is a general low bar that women put up with which is really frustrating.

But here, it does seem hard to unpick exactly what he's doing wrong. He does seem to be pulling his weight with the child, night waking etc

All I've really got from your op post and replies is that you have some control issues (I don't mean it in a horrible way). You like things done a certain way/ certain time and if your dh slacks slightly or doesn't do things to your standard you can't cope with it. Perhaps you need some help with that.

@RedToothBrush take a lot of what you said on board but I do not speak to him in a rude way, don’t call him names, don’t make outrageous demands, don’t raise my voice, etc. so, a lot of what you said is, to be calm about it, not applicable in the slightest

Sorry OP but it sounds a reasonable division. Is it that all the baby stuff/life admin you find boring, whereas your DH has a job he enjoys? Hence resentment building, plus maybe feeling that he doesn't appreciate all the plates your spinning to keep things on an even keel?

The example of the high chair is telling - are you critical if he doesn't do it your way? If so, ditch that attitude as it's the road to hell in any relationship, on any topic.

But you said that physically he does the most due to your health issues as you can do the mental load and admin stuff lying down. He also does most of the night shifts. It sounds fair to me but obviously I’m an outsider so only you will know whether in reality the workload you both have balances out.

I'll be honest here and say that in terms of baby proofing as long as you have a stair gate , a closed fire you may not need much more than that.

DS didn't even put things in his mouth. We were aware of that risk and kept an eye on what we left around but it wasn't even an issue for us.

Your child is an individual - and tbh I found that much of the advice was ridiculous and wasn't an issue cos of DSs behaviour.

In the past, there wasn't this protectionism. Kids were taught from very young not to touch X or y by attentive parents rather than distracted parents.

Its interesting to see you already have a diagnosis in line with your problems and from what you say you think you have it under control, but everything else screams you still have a long long way to go. Have you looked at autism being another possible factor going on here? There is significant overlap with OCD and your need to do things right and the inflexibility does make me wonder.

I think it's more of a 'you' problem, tbh, after reading your posts.

Your standards are different. Your lives are busy, complicated, you have a baby, and that means you each have different feelings about priorities. Your priorities (and OCD) aren't the default priorities for him. And that's not an unfair position for him to take. He IS doing his share by your own accounting, you just want him to do it to your standard, not his. And unless it's life or death, I'm not sure that's a reasonable ask under your current circumstances : everyone's busy, tired and just trying to do the best they can right now to get through the tough baby year....

@User8273738273737 what @RedToothBrush has said is exactly what I would have said the that you saw shouting and took that speaks volumes.

the thing is you may feel your demands are fine but actually they are bordering on outrageous- your parenting journey is going to be very tough because soon you will have another voice to add to this, someone who won’t want to follow the demands you need.

I suggest your first step is counselling for yourself

I do not speak to him in a rude way, don’t call him names, don’t make outrageous demands, don’t raise my voice, etc. so, a lot of what you said is, to be calm about it, not applicable in the slightest

in that long post, there were literally two sentences that might imply that you might speak to him rudely or scold him. That might be true, but everything else still stands.

This thread should be classics as a rebuttal to everybody who says that we jump to LTB at the slightest thing.

Question: does HE think you are being calm? Doe s HE think your tone is appropriate?

I ask partly because of my comment on autism but also because it can form a pattern which is difficult to reverse. .

I ask because it's something I have seen before about a lack of awareness of how others perceive how you are talking to them. If the criticism is constant and consistent that alone will build up a wall and how people become defensive because THEY feel constantly under attack and can't do anything right. It's becomes a massive barrier to communication. One party might feel their tone is fine but the other may not - particularly with this persistence element.

You need to talk to him about how HE feels about this and how you are communicating. Not about individual actions or scenarios but the bigger wider issue.

He isn't responding to what you are saying. Why? It's not because he doesn't care and it's not because he isn't willing from what you've said. Is it that he's not listening or because he's so bombarded by directives from you that it just becomes noise that he isn't able to hear cos he's switched off because it's constant? Is it because his brain just doesn't do things like yours and doesn't measure risk in the same way (is your risk assessment still off and is his healthy?).

Lots here, but I do think you need to open up communication on your lack of communication.

I think only from reading some of the replies but all of your post, it’s largely a communication problem.l don’t think he is a bad partner.

If you are both leaving what needs saying till you feel like you are at breaking point that it just comes across as criticism, which will only be answered with criticism. Start a discussion off with when you do this/l feel/ could you

example

when you don’t do all the baby proofing, l feel like a nag having to remind you, could you make a list and see to it in a timely manner.

l think you should just say can we talk about a few things and tell him if he has anything to say to bring it up then and when he says “well what about when you” ask him how he would of liked you to have told him.

This will save you money on counselling, especially if money is tight, it will take time and practice. I think it sounds like it’s worth it.

Arguments are to see who is right, discussions are to make it right.

Also make time for both of you together, being a parent is bloody hard you need to remind you are in this together and you love each other.

Good luck

Hit the nail on the head - I even used a very similar example once

Reading the parts of a supportive husband who is there for you and genuinely does care and love you...I don't think he sounds bad at all. But I'm just out of an abusive marriage so.....yeah sounds like all I ever wanted to be honest.

@RedToothBrush you are absolutely right. I noticed that it was my OCD speaking when I mentioned safety, rather than something real. It’s annoying he said he would do it and then didn’t but I blew it way out of proportion there with bringing caring about safety there.

I explained to him that whilst his brain was silent, mine was going brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr with all the things that needed doing and planning and organising. His brain just doesn't do that - he doesn't have that currently mounting to-do list of life admin that bears down and overwhelms you
Which doesn't necessarily mean an unfair split, possibly just that not all that needs doing. I don't have a constant list in my brain either. I vaguely know I need to book DD's birthday party today and do some cleaning. I don't feel the need to be constantly thinking about stuff any more than DH does.