I think parenting broke our relationship

[User8273738273737]

TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

It just sounds normal to me.
This is riding out the hard parts of marriage.
Having a baby takes a huge toll on your relationship - both of your lives have completely changed and you're not each others priority - the baby is
I think when the baby is 3 thing really really improve.

If you have family or childcare I recommend using that and taking annual leave with your husband so you can do some nice things just the two of you and reconnect

Others have said it but parenting very much takes over your life - you can't forget about a baby or toddler for any length of time.

Some key points:
Being a child-free couple is a lot about having fun together. Life may have its stresses but you'd have those anyway as a single person. Your free time is your own to choose what you do in it.

Having a child is a 24/7 job. That doesn't mean it can't be fun and rewarding but there's a huge amount of 'work' too. As parents you become co workers but without clear job descriptions and with no line manager to help you with issues. Your views on child- rearing will never 100% coincide and you still have all the other life stresses you had before the baby was born.

In your case you've jumped from fun times to hard work with nothing in between. Your DH has not changed his personality. You just haven't seen this part of him before, and I expect he feels the same about you.

You need time to adjust, work things out between you. 18 months is a long time in the scheme of your relationship, but no time over the course of a life. Especially 18 months with a fast developing child where the parenting issues change rapidly.

Your DH doesn't sound bad from what you describe. Try to prioritise the main issues and don't drown in the fog. If it is him being unsafe with your child, that is priority number one. Stop worrying if he is not Mr Right for the long term, and work out how to live your lives together in more harmony - my DH and I have many discussions about our children so we can decide how to tackle things effectively. They keep changing as they grow, it's not a "one and done".

Why do you think I used AI? 🤣

Babies bring lots of challenges to RL. It sounds like you had a hard time giving birth ,had lots of help from DH (rightly so) and have sort of settled down now.Sometimes this can seem different as you have found .I think you might benefit from a long weekend away ,maybe See if Mum can care for Babe for a few nights ? Reconnecting and having time away from childcare will make a big difference .

I think he does whatabouttery because he feels he puts up with a certain amount for sake of peace and harmony, and so should everyone when parenting is the main zone you're living in.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't discuss these things, but it definitely affects the way you might discuss them. He's holding the fort in some areas and you in others. The mental load is huge, but as you say, YouCan organise a lot while lying down.

I think if you make sure you're going in to these discussions with an attitude like you're getting through this period of life together and you might need to swap certain responsibilities that are starting to do your head in, but also find out if there's stuff bothering him too . It doesn't need to be an argument. Even in a healthy relationship the balance will shift as to who is steering the ship or carrying more load, but as long as you can trust the other is a properly active parent and team player, then that is a lot

Exactly what I was going to say. Been there, got that t-shirt.

@User8273738273737 I understand where you’re coming from, as I had similar feelings after our oldest was born. My DH was a very hands on dad. Like yours he did a lot of the day to day stuff, more than me in some respects as I went back to work when DS was 3 months old and we worked opposite shifts so DH did tea/bath/bed five nights a week and got up with DS when I was still at work.

However, I used to stress endlessly about the fact that I had to think of everything. I had to know what DS needed to eat, what clothes he’d grown out of, if we needed more nappies, and all the other stuff that comes with having kids. I see now that I was hyper focused on stuff that didn’t really matter that much, and it was solely due to severe undiagnosed PND. Speak to your HV or GP. Don’t leave it as long as I did.

Sounds like you both add value and play to your strengths to me. He's picked up the slack when the package that is you (mind and body) couldn't cover the task and you doing the same
That's the strength of being in a partnership you both have different weaknesses.
You seem to want every task 50/50 when in reality every couple has stuff that tends to fall to one not the other cos one just finds it comes more naturally to them.
In my partnership I'm wayyyyy better at some stuff than DH is, so I do it as it comes naturally, for him it's a major effort. But there are other things that are the other way round.
Then there's the fact we've been together 21 years so I know that at times that means I've carried 60% he's shouldered 40% but as life has gone on, there have been other phases where it's the other way round.

Im sorry you are feeling unhappy and a bit alone in your relationship at the moment.
I think the current stage you are in bears consideration - you have an 18 month old. you are approaching the terrible twos, you have been parents for nearly 2 years which makes the pre-baby life feel like a lifetime ago.
The father sounds like a classic father to me. He pulls his weight neeearrly at a 50/50 with you, which is a really strong positive. Im definitely generalising here, but id say it is very rare to come across a partner that will support and parent in exactly the way you need them too, all of the time, without periods of slacking off occasionally or seeming distant or unenthusiastic. Have you tried discussing with him whether he is struggling with something at the moment, in your relationship or in his personal /work life?

Also, you say his work is much more demanding than yours, which is something that should be taken highly into consideration.

This may just be a period of time where things feel difficult, which can potentially last months or even a year in a healthy relationship where there is children. I would reccomend seeing if you can take things off your plate in other ways, such as - can you afford to work less than you currently are eg. going part time or less hours for a while? Can you reach out to your support systems and ask for increased support while you're in this difficult time?

all long lasting relationships have periods of difficulty, and you might question if you are with the right person / if you love them still. Think about the fundamental basics - Are you still attracted to him? Do you feel that the current problem can be resolved through communication (easier said than done of course ). Do you have other things in your life making you happy besides him - friends you regularly see, a job that you like, good mental health via excercise and support systems etc? Furthermore, absence might make the heart grow fonder. could you go stay with some relatives for a 'holiday' for a week, to try to re-ignite the spark by missing each other again.

I hope you work this out, im sure that you will. and either way, you are a strong woman and everything always works out in the end for good people. Goodluck xx

I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it)

I don't know any man who would do any of that.

He sounds pretty good to me - and this is also from someone who usually says to get rid.

Hang in there, and keep talking. Having a baby is tough, and it's doubly tough if you have had a traumatic birth.

Unless there is actually a dead cat on the table. Then do get rid!

'Baby admin' ?? I've officially heard it all now 😬

Let's face it, none of the above is especially tasking, in fact most find sorting through and buying new clothes etc an enjoyable part of parenthood.......your attitude is pretty odd tbh.

Because your post uses a lot of words but doesn't actually explain the issue.

This mum is posting and trying to give a sense of feeling overwhelmed. Do you have to be so horrible?

Thank you all for the replies, I didn’t expect this many! also thanks to pp who posted the link to the dead cat strategy wikipedia. In short, it’s pretty much ‘advanced whataboutery’.

I know I had mental health difficulties that needed addressing and was under a perinatal mental health team, have had therapy and am on medication. I feel much better. I know there’s an aspect of perfectionism/actual OCD (diagnosed and treated, it was more related to DD’s safety, eg that someone may attack us when we’re out - but I’ve overcome this) but I have let go of certain things, the inconsequential (eg if he didn’t clean the highchair properly, I’ll just clean it again and keep quiet.).

my problem is when he takes on responsibility for something and then doesn’t that. The example that’s pissed me off was the child proofing, and that’s what I was referring to when I mentioned not trusting him with DD’s safety. He did some, I reminded him of the rest, he then did a bit more, and left it. So when I raised that I had to do it on top of everything else, he asks me why can’t I just remind him!! I’m not his PA! There are other things I jump to conclusions because they have added up - that he doesn’t dedicate mental space to us because he doesn’t see it as important or he doesn’t care, I don’t know, because I can’t understand how someone doesn’t just… look at what they’re doing. Putting the wrong shoe on the wrong foot (right/left), is an example. There are others.

And that's the only post responded to!

Hmm that’s relative. I said when I try to bring things up he dodges the ‘topic’ and turns it on me, etc. I thought jt was too long as it was so figured I’d skip specific examples but accept that was unhelpful

I think you might be looking for AIBU ->>>

I think this is quite normal. I hated my lovely DH when our DDs were small. It’s a very tiring slog. And minor irritations with each other are magnified.

Never make any major decisions when you’re in the baby/toddler/small child stage of life.

I really like DH now …. DDS are early 20s.
it didn’t take 20 years though so don’t worry 🤣

I'm still not much clearer OP.
What aspect of baby proofing was wrong?
It sounds like you over think and he's relaxed and neither of you meets much near the middle.

I also did the “my way is the right way” …. with hindsight I should have let DH just get on with things his way.

You are clearly feeling really overwhelmed and the update about your mental health issues explains the context more.

I think you need to strip out the ,this is normal parenting life and this is your mental health talking.

Eg childproofing isn't really a big thing for most people. Put a baby gate on stairs, move breakable objects high up and put a cupboard catch on the cleaning product cupboard
That's normal.
Are you wanting, feeling like you should do more?

You talk about researching baby things, this shouldn't really be a big thing and certainly not something regular.

The real genuine concern is that if you stress and worry so much then you won't enjoy time with your child, and will make your child stressed.

And there will be extra pressure on your relationship which may not survive.

From your examples it is really hard to see what he's done wrong. The shoe example, many many parents do that regularly, baby shoes aren't really that unique. And then when child is old enough they put it on wrong feet themselves. It's something to laugh about not get stressed and worry about.

Sounds like he takes initiative to do things but you don’t like the way he does them and then micromanage him, and then he stops doing it because he doesn’t like being micromanaged and then you get annoyed about having all the mental load. But if you just let him get on with it in the first place you’d both be less stressed.

I think you can get through this OP. It might require you having to accept that he is not a meticulous planner/not as efficient as you. I know my husband has had to accept this about me but I think and hope he sees what other valuable skills I bring to our family life.
I hear you on the frustration of trying to discuss it to be met with defensiveness. I think healthy/productive arguments are really hard to do, I know my DH and I are not great in this regard and I sometimes wonder if couples counselling would help us communicate better. Big picture though, you are married to a kind and loving man- he is flawed, as are you.

OK, so not cleaning the high chair (gross but tbh our high chair corner is a binfire, I’ve given up), shoes on the wrong feet (this is bad to me, their little feet could get squished), failing to babyproof but also doing the “I’d help if you just told me what to do” thing, aka pretending the domestic is your job and he’s just an amiable assistant:

The question, and none of us know your DH so really only you can tell, is: is this weaponised incompetence so he doesn’t have to do it, general lack of common sense (fixable but annoying), or overwhelm?

From what you’ve posted it doesn’t sound like weaponised incompetence: he steps up.

So is he generally a bit of a dunderhead? A friend’s husband hoovered their gas hob to get the bits off, result a dirty hoover and she still had to clean the job properly. When DD peed on the sofa, DP soaked a towel with water and put it on top. Result, now we had a soaking sofa cushion, the sofa still needed stripping and we had a towel to wash too.

Or is it overwhelm: he’s doing the nights, he’s doing a lot, you’re both doing a lot, mistakes get made. I recently put the baby in the bath with his nappy on. I put his clothes in the wheelie bin and a pooey nappy in the washing machine. I made a cafetière of coffee without using any coffee, so just… water. I tried to poach some pears, forgot, and ruined a saucepan. I’m really tired and overwhelmed and all this stuff is forgivable, imo! Just as I forgive DP similar foibles if they’re tired mistakes, like heading out without the chdngung bag, but I’d be pissed off by shoes on the wrong feet or as recently, he dressed the baby in a vest. The baby whinged. DP, himself wearing jeans, two T-shirts, socks, underwear and a jumper, handed the baby to me, like “dunno what his beef is” and when told he was cold, claimed not to know babies need layers as I hadn’t told him.

A big issue here is the communication and whataboutery. You need a strategy. I recommended Fair Play upthread for division of labour, but I think you also need an argument/discussion strategy so you can raise issues with each other without it being “what about”. And a date night where you remember why you liked each other enough to make a human together.

my problem is when he takes on responsibility for something and then doesn’t that. The example that’s pissed me off was the child proofing, and that’s what I was referring to when I mentioned not trusting him with DD’s safety. He did some, I reminded him of the rest, he then did a bit more, and left it. So when I raised that I had to do it on top of everything else, he asks me why can’t I just remind him!! I’m not his PA! There are other things I jump to conclusions because they have added up - that he doesn’t dedicate mental space to us because he doesn’t see it as important or he doesn’t care, I don’t know, because I can’t understand how someone doesn’t just… look at what they’re doing. Putting the wrong shoe on the wrong foot (right/left), is an example. There are others

None of that sounds like a big deal though. We didn't do any child proofing, I've put shoes on the wrong foot before. It really does sound like you are looking dir problems that don't exist.

My DH does dedicate mental space to us, it just looks different for him than for me. He will, for example, make sure the cars are booked in for services, keep them clean, update the way the car seat is set up as DC grows etc. He'll look for "cool" clothes when he pops to the supermarket. He refunds point blank to leave DC with his mum even though she's desperate because a) we know she won't do as we ask, and b) him going over with DC gives me a couple of hours of much needed alone time. He is balances concern about safety with letting DC be independent and enjoy playing.

I do things like making sure her basic wardrobe is season appropriate, thinking about food for the week, panicking that she's going to whack her head on things etc. I also remind him when he's forgotten, because his own mind is full of other things that need doing. He does the same for me if I've forgotten something. I don't begrudge having to remind him because he's an amazing partner, memory just isn't his strong suit.

Teamwork. Make it work for you. Play to your strengths and appreciate each other for theirs.