I think parenting broke our relationship

[User8273738273737]

TL;DR - after having a child, it seems DH has had a minor personality transplant. Yes he is a present and loving father and partner, but the differences in how much time and mental space we dedicate to things involving family life, and problems in communication, are driving a huge wedge and I’m so tired of carrying the emotional labour of trying to resolve problems and to improve our lives. I think I might end up falling out of love with him, which is unthinkable.

DH is a good man/person/H.
A considerate and generous lover. Does (sometimes more than) his fair share of the ‘here and now’ tasks that come with being an adult and a parent. DD is 18 months old.
The mental load is largely mine. I do the baby admin of making sure clothes are size/season appropriate, all the consumables (nappies, wipes, creams, you name it), book vaccines, found the nursery, did and do all the research re equipment, furniture, weaning, etc. add to that the finding sitters for dates, the looking for solutions for our problems, etc. I also do the here and now stuff, but he does some things more than me (eg wakes up with DD waaaaay more than I ever have. Am hugely grateful for that), and the household tasks are more or less evenly shared. My health hasn’t been great for most of our relationship so I ended up taking the admin/mental load as I saw it as a fair compromise, given I could do it lying down.

We had DD about 3 years into our relationship. From meeting, it was lovely. A mixture of calm but passionate, no head fuck involved. So much in common, could talk for days nonstop. Came to trust him inherently, which is a huge deal, given my previous experiences (in general, not just romantic). Sex was great and mutually satisfying. We shared body, mind and soul. It was a stark change from my previous relationships, and I appreciate it, and him, hugely.

But parenting has a way of shining a light on differences and incompatibilities.

The pregnancy and birth were very traumatic (part of the reason he was up with DD way more than I was, at least in the beginning ). He was my absolute rock and so supportive, considerate and loving.
The day to day, tho… now that we’re beyond the initial hurricane of traumatic birth, and having a newborn, and my health is better, I’m just getting more and more annoyed at some of our ‘discrepancies’. I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

His job is much more demanding than mine and I do take that into consideration.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me. Some of it was justified, albeit I think he should bring things up himself rather than wait for me to raise something, to mention things he’s unhappy about. I listened to it, and changed my ways, and he agrees with that.
Then we have a calmer conversation the next day, Then noting changes, repeat. Over and over again. I’m feeling so deflated. I don’t know what to do. I feel more and more distant emotionally and like it’s inevitable this will end, because I don’t want to find myself in a worse situation a decade from now wondering why I gave it a decade when I knew what would happen.

Thoughts?

So your DH has a more demanding job?

And he does a lot of the practical stuff regarding childcare including waking up with DC etc? By your own admission he does more than his fair share.

But you are complaining because you have to carry the mental load of childcare e.g booking vaccines and sorting out clothes. Both 2 min jobs by the way.

I think you are being ridiculous tbh. If you're the kind of person who spends hours on the internet researching the ins and outs of a particular brand of pushchair then act like you're exhausted from the hard work then that's on you.

I think you need to take a step back and see the bigger picture here. You actually sound like a good match. He carries the practical load, you the mental load and you've probably got it much easier than him.

Your DH sounds great tbh! He’s probably as exhausted as you and could do with a break.
How you explain the division of tasks/admin etc sounds more than fair in your favour. It’s nice to choose your babies clothes isn’t it and surely you just buy nappies when you do the weekly shop?

I’m the kind of person that researches and thinks about options and double checks, etc. DH does it, if he ever even notices it needs doing, without thinking. Lots of mistakes or inconveniences happen. I end up just doing stuff myself because it’s easier. I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure I trust him with some safety related things, nevermind with lesser stake stuff.

I'll highlight the same point other people have highlighted. I am the same, OP. I will spend hours researching the optimum item/way of doing something. My partner, like yours, will just buy it/do it. I don't know if there's really a material difference in outcomes. On a day to day basis it doesn't really matter if something is 'the best' or 'good enough'. It took me a looooong time to accept that not everything has to be done my way. And that sometimes I was making work for myself and getting angry with him for not doing the same! I'd say try and drop some of the things you're doing and see if a) anything actually deteriorates and b) if your stress levels/happiness improve.

I also think he sounds pretty decent. It’s natural for one parent to carry the ‘mental load’ of ensuring baby is equipped with that they need. Picking up nappies and wipes in the supermarket is not hard work and choosing clothes I found to be a pleasure and was happy to do that. If you need he needs to be more involved in this, tell him. Tell him his daughter need a winter wardrobe in age x and then let him choose her outfits (without complaint). It sounds like he’s good at pulling his weight but probably doesn’t naturally pick up stuff like choosing clothes. Nurseries can be agreed together, again that was something I enjoyed doing. Having children involves a lot of life admin and it will naturally fall to the mother, whether rightly or wrongly. If you’re not married picking this up then you need to create a list and divide it up. Don’t be surprised if the wake ups get shared out too

You wrote a long post managing to say nothing concrete. Give clear examples

I think you have it here!
This post doesn't read as if a person has written it.

@RedToothBrush Great post! Especially this part:
You are being overly controlling and when he does try, you undermine him and probably knock his confidence. He isn't getting the opportunity to learn by doing because you don't allow him.

OP, it's his baby too! (Although I do appreciate that he or she might feel more yours, given that you carried and birthed the baby at significant cost to yourself). As frustrating as it is to watch someone do something 'worse' (slower/less efficiently/marginally worse outcome) than you could do it - you just have to let him get on with it. Also, you might find that sometimes his way is better/something you wouldn't have thought of. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

I know what you mean OP. In our relationship we talk about believing in fairies - no, it's not taking hours of your week to keep the right size and season of clothes in the drawers, but it is something you have to keep in mind, keep that little plate spinning, and your husband can sort of believe in the appropriate clothes fairy. It's frustrating when you have previously had a relationship of equals and then you suddenly end up with lots of tasks your partner only half-knows exist, especially when they are lots of little tiny tasks that you feel a bit silly pointing out.

I think (to make a sweeping generalisation) that this generation of dads has made a huge step forward in terms of how much time and effort they put into parenting (and it sounds like your partner is doing great on that score), but that fair share of the here-and-now isn't the same as a fair share of parenting. It can feel really disheartening to feel like your partner doesn't value your contribution/gets to waltz through just concentrating on their stuff.

Maybe have a think about what fairies you get to believe in/what stuff just happens without you thinking about it, and see if it feels fair.

Sorry to say but you have it rather good compared to a lot of people on here who come and complain about their partner

Be realistic in your demands I mean you both seem to compliment each other and it’s unlikely two people are good at the same thing hence why it’s good to stick to your strengths

Feel free to let him go I’m sure he will be snapped up!!

Parenting hasn't broken your relationship, it has just stress tested it and you are finding it hard. I expect your husband is finding it hard also, the first few years are challenging for many couples. It gets easier once they start school!

I think you need to lower your expectations - your husband isn't perfect but neither are you. On the whole, you work as a team. Sure you do somethings better than him but he also does some things better than you.

He sounds like a really good guy. I think you will massively regret it if you cause damage to this relationship. Maybe marriage counselling would be a good step to explore some of your hidden resentments and allow him to explain things from his point of view also.

Parenting definitely changes a relationship - to a certain extent you become more like coworkers when they're little. 3 years isn't a huge amount of time to find your rhythm together, although of course also a very normal amount of time when you're a little older when you meet.

We met as teens and so had been together nearly 20 years and were rock solid when DC1 came along and it was still a massive change in our relationship.

It sounds like he does more of the physical load and you more of the mental load (and how sad to see women denigrating the mental load when we know it's women who tend to carry it). I think that's probably fair enough tbh!

I think you would benefit from exploring this with a therapist and then possibly exploring couples therapy with a view to understanding each others approaches to the issues that you allude to. It might be that he doesn't see the need to explore options in the same way that you do and that there are things he feels you do not give sufficient attention to. He may just let things slide and only when he feels that you are not according him the same courtesy does he bring these up.

You can learn to understand each other better and go forward together rather than going forward jn your own ways buikding resentment. Not easy... but having regular conversations and sharing the load will help.

I spoke to my partner about the mental load I was carrying when we were sat on the sofa one night. I asked him what was going through his head. He said nothing. He can literally think about nothing.

I explained to him that whilst his brain was silent, mine was going brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr with all the things that needed doing and planning and organising. His brain just doesn't do that - he doesn't have that currently mounting to-do list of life admin that bears down and overwhelms you - even when I've put things on his to-do list plate, they aren't going round and round in his head that he hasn't done them. I have now just accepted that life admin is just going to fall on my plate. I'd rather have it done properly than last minute or not at all, as leaving these things to him ultimately leaves me more stressed and anxious in reminding him constantly to do them and worrying if they will be done or whether they are correct. On the other hand, he probably does more than half of the daily/weekly chores.

We had been together 12 years before we had kids (met first day of uni!)
kids put incredible strain on any relationship, everything is just that bit trickier, (along of course with amazing moments,) but its very true that the days are long but the years are short.

Kids definitely stress tested our relationship when they were small, it was probably only once they were at secondary school that our relationship went completely back to how it was pre kids. We’ve at nearly 30 years now and things are better than ever, you’ve just got to hang in there OP.

Being able to argue 'well' is a skill DH and I have learnt over time.

Less about the 'whataboutery,' more about effective listening as what is really pissing them off.

I think you’ll need to give concrete examples because otherwise this sounds like a really fair split and a decent relationship.

God yes @Catopia , the brain whirring that's exactly it.

More AI trolling. There's no reality here.

I would actually prefer to do the ‘mental load’ stuff. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave the choosing nurseries, schools, clothes, etc to someone else, I enjoy all that stuff. Mind you I was a single parent to two (baby and two year old) so everything was on me anyway as their father moved abroad. I liked being in control of practical decisions.

Tbh I don’t really understand what your issues are but I do agree that you may have some depression from the traumatic birth.

Picking up on the 'its his baby too'.

Do you really think your DH would want to harm or endanger your baby? Do you really think he's negligent? And when I say that, if you think he's that negligent would you report him to social services if he was doing those things if he was a friend rather than your partner?

If the answer to that last question is no, you might want to reflect on why it's a no. If the answer to that question is yes, you might want to reflect if he's a real danger to your child why you are seeking to leave him and get protection orders against him.

I think a sense of perspective is needed about the 'level of risk' he's introducing and whether your response is proportionate.

Your comments about him caring aren't consistent with other comments about risk.

This post is…weird.

Firstly, the reference to him being a generous and considerate lover has put me in mind of Joey’s vows about giving and receiving…

Also, dead cats on tables?

Cant help but wonder if this is an AI post or a wind up with one of those incredibly weird details snuck in to give everyone something to latch on to.

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s fair to say if someone does more physical load (eg night wakes) then it balances out if the other does more mental load – it really depends on how this affects you. I think it’s far easier to be the physical person and just do what I’m told and let my brain roam wild than be the person keeping it all together. As a pp put it, a “pleasant robot” — that’s DP! He’ll do anything: shops, the tip, cleaning, DIY, bins, school runs, whatever, but he won’t think. Lots of cheery “what shall I get on with while you’re out?” if I’m taking the DC out of the house. Or while I’m out I’ll have to message ahead that he needs to sort lunch for when we’re back, and I get “what time? What’s for lunch?” Um, how about the same time as we eat every day and try looking at the meal plan on the fridge?

Is that the issue here: he’ll do stuff but only with direction? It does boil your brain, I find. Leaves you with no empty head space so you feel less like a person and more like The Household Manager, and kills the affection/sex appeal because it’s like having a helpful, docile teenager. A big lunk who’ll carry in the shopping but won’t put it away because “I don’t know where anything goes.”

Try Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to redivide the chores, both physical and mental. It sets you up so not only do you both have a list of what’s yours, you get to forget what’s the other person’s – it’s simply taken care of. And you also decide per chore what the standard is: so with clothes, together you might decide “DC wardrobe updated twice a year, budget is X and X number of things are needed. Plus weather, seasonal and activity appropriate gear. Old clothes are to be vacuum bagged into the loft for next DC”. And the person who does all that just does it instead of fussing the other person.

It does sound like you like to do a lot of research and thinking, which isn’t necessarily wrong – but DH’s way might not be wrong either. Now the nursery is researched and booked, that job is done. Yes, tax free childcare is an admin ballache that HMRC makes more complicated than it needs be, and there are always a million things – label each set of clothes, do this, do that – but just divide them up between you and decide on the standard. Choose things that make life easier: first DC I bought sew-in nametapes for the lovey nostalgia. Lasted one set of clothes before I bought label stickers and a stamp.

When I do finally reach the end of my tether and say something, I’m then faced with dead cats on tables, whataboutery, sidetracks, things turned on me.

^ haven't read any other replies but to me, this is the major issue. That when you raise something you're unhappy with, you get nowhere. I suggest relationship counselling together now whilst there is something left to salvage. Most people wait too long.

You do sound a bit intense about parenting tbh. Your main complaint seems to be that he doesn't research things as much as you do. Is all your research actually necessary? You say that his attitude has caused mistakes and accidents and that you don't trust him on safety things. Unless you give examples, it's impossible to tell whether he's being negligent or you're being paranoid / OTT.

I'd agree with this, he's not doing anything wrong.

I sympathise though as I could have written your post. Im constantly annoyed at DH as I think he's not doing enough or not doing things the right way (aka my way).

But when i think about it, hes great and to be honest I think it's all me being too demanding.

All the extra thinking, planning etc. He doesn't do because he doesn't think it's necessary. I over complicate things. Yes he doesn't do things as organised as I do but so what? Nothing, nobody dies.

I'm trying to remind myself of all the above but it's hard!