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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No real point to this. Got text meant for golden child sister

380 replies

Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:32

Been very LC with my family for a few years now. Mother is narcissistic and I was horrendously abused as a child teen and young adult emotionally financially and physically. One sibling golden child other just a bystander / tool when needed . Mother and sister managed to maintain a perfect public image to this day so I don’t see wider family / family friends.

When I got out I was just very low contact. So I basically send texts on special occasions or other rare times (so maybe 3/4 times a year)

I had text my mother last week as it was her 75mg birthday. She never even bothers to send my dc birthday cards but I thought it’s her 75th it won’t hurt . I text ‘Happy Birthday hope you have a lovely day. Hope you’ve been well we are all good kids well and happy etc etc’

shes not the best with tech and i got a message back almost immediately with a screenshot saying ‘She’s sent this don’t worry I won’t reply just letting you know she sent it first I haven’t started it just like you said. She won’t be able to say or prove we had any kind of relationship / contact so don’t worry about that. I won’t mention the kids as I know yours are the priority. Will keep you updated xxxx’
its not that I’m hurt I’m just pissed off and can’t understand why they act like this !

And why the comment about proving any kind of relationship??! I don’t want to do that makes no sense

Just frustrated that they carry this on

OP posts:
OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 03/11/2023 08:38

Or if you want fuck with your sister a bit you could send her a text,

”I had a great catch up with mum last night, really good to clear the air and resolve some difference. I think I can see a reconciliation on the horizon.”

The block all numbers and go live you life.

TentChristmas · 03/11/2023 08:39

It sounds like you have absolute validation that going NC is the right thing to do. Also that your sister is very much enmeshed and part of it too

Cliffordthebigreddog · 03/11/2023 08:39

so sorry to read this. I just can’t understand how mothers can be like this towards their own children. You could spend a lifetime trying to understand it / work out why they’re like this and you’ll still never know.
My own mother is openly mean and horrible to my sister - it’s awful to see - my sister is nothing but kind and patient in return. It’s always been the same, just for some reason doesn’t like her / tolerate her. My mum would never be like that with me and I don’t know why.
Anyway, I didn’t want to just read and carry on scrolling! Hope you find peace with the situation.

Original poster
Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:39

I think I’ll be NC now rather than LC ! I don’t have the time or energy. Funny how they seem to take it in turns to be each others puppet. Growing up my mother controlled my sister and as golden child she knew if she complied she would get everything she wanted and now it seems my mother is answerable to her and abiding by her rules

OP posts:
Goodornot · 03/11/2023 08:40

My mum is even more confusing. She switches frequently between which one of us is the scape goat. She sides with whomever she can get sympathy from.

Goodornot · 03/11/2023 08:41

Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:39

I think I’ll be NC now rather than LC ! I don’t have the time or energy. Funny how they seem to take it in turns to be each others puppet. Growing up my mother controlled my sister and as golden child she knew if she complied she would get everything she wanted and now it seems my mother is answerable to her and abiding by her rules

I was going to say that. Your mums text came across as if she was afraid of her.

The abuser becomes the abused it seems.

Original poster
Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:42

Goodornot · 03/11/2023 08:40

My mum is even more confusing. She switches frequently between which one of us is the scape goat. She sides with whomever she can get sympathy from.

That must be awful in some ways I feel at least I’ve never had that hope given to me only to have it crushed again as a child that would have destroyed me I think I very quickly made peace with my status in the family and knew I’d have to get out as soon as I could one day

OP posts:
Haydug · 03/11/2023 08:42

That is no mother.

I'm sorry that's what you have to deal with😔 well, no more - you're better off without it entirely.

Greycottage · 03/11/2023 08:42

CoffeeBean5 · 03/11/2023 08:37

I'd make a family chat including all your family members and post the screenshot.

This!!

Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 03/11/2023 08:43

What a deeply unpleasant pair they are. I wouldn't bother to contact either of them again (except maybe to send them both the screenshot with a 🤔) then block them.
Their loss!

Original poster
Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:43

Greycottage · 03/11/2023 08:42

This!!

Show quote history

That did cross my mind- all the wider family and friends who were told lies about me so that she could keep their public images , but then I worry is that petty but it would be satisfying

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 03/11/2023 08:46

Sorry @Narcfamilies thats horrible.

I also think it’s to do with Inheritance.

Yes they could leave you out of their will but it sounds like your sister is concerned you could challenge that decision so your mother has been told to have no contact with you whatsoever to weaken any potential case.

Sparklfairy · 03/11/2023 08:47

Just wow. I'd be so tempted to send the screenshot back and say, 'thanks for this. I'm sure it'll come in handy.'

I wouldn't actually contest the will, they could both fuck off. But they would squirm and stress and worry thinking that was your intention, that you were onto their 'plan' and tie themselves in knots trying to work out how to stay a step ahead of you, all the while you're sitting back with no plan at all, and enjoying a peaceful life without their games.

I'm not suggesting you should send it, though the thought of taking the wind out of their sails would make me smile.

tribpot · 03/11/2023 08:48

It would be hilarious to do as @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe suggests but in all honesty you're right to go NC. They've demonstrated that even the slightest effort on your part is going to be used (albeit accidentally in this case) to make you feel bad. They actively don't want to hear from you - and you should clearly not want to hear from them.

It is both tragic and funny that they're both wasting so much brain power plotting against you when as you say there is absolutely no need. What sad little lives they lead.

Fuck 'em. Onwards and upwards.

OhComeOnFFS · 03/11/2023 08:49

I'd do what it took to let people know what she was really like, OP.

Twiglets1 · 03/11/2023 08:50

Fuck them indeed - the fact that @Narcfamilies sent the message from nothing but a good place and got this horrible response… they would be dead to me now.

ElleCapitaine · 03/11/2023 08:50

I’d go in and fuck shit up - take the kids round and get loads of photos with their loving grandma, and then put them all in a family groups chat and Facebook. ‘Amazing time with grandma. Kids love her so much!’ Do it every week. Bring her a homemade cake, ‘Me and mum enjoying my home baked cake. Your turn next time, mum xxx’. You only need to stay for about 20 minutes each time. It’ll drive them both nuts - go full Stepford Wives on them!

BlueStockingTimes · 03/11/2023 08:50

Any relative can contest a will though it is very hard to actually get anywhere. I know because my Mother left everything to one child and my siblings wanted to contest. I got advice from a solicitor friend, it really wasn’t worth it and we didn’t. Golden child received everything but now none of us even speak to her. You talk about the other sibling who is a bystander, that was me because I refused to engage with it at all.

So my sisters inheritance was around 350k and her other inheritance was her 5 siblings having nothing to do with her. I would suggest you become like bystander sibling and maybe build that relationship. Myself and one sister had the attitude of your bystander sibling, the other 3 allowed themselves to be sucked in to the whole drama. When Mother did die it was far worse for them.

GrumpyPanda · 03/11/2023 08:52

Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:43

That did cross my mind- all the wider family and friends who were told lies about me so that she could keep their public images , but then I worry is that petty but it would be satisfying

Show quote history

Who cares about being petty! Our obsession with beeee kiiiind is the bane of women's lives. The couple of occasions I've been able to indulge some righteous, richly indulged pettiness are a source of joy and satisfaction even years after. So unless there's any possible repercussions from the wider relatives - and it doesnt sound like it - just petty away to your heart's content.

Fruitandclottedcream · 03/11/2023 08:52

Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:43

That did cross my mind- all the wider family and friends who were told lies about me so that she could keep their public images , but then I worry is that petty but it would be satisfying

Show quote history

Speaking as someone who did something similar ... I would do it because It's so worth it.
It may not change anything, but you will feel a sense of freedom at knowing you've shown proof of what the people around me are like. There's truth in the saying the truth will see you free.

I've done it twice. The first was my daughter's paternal grandmother. She resumed contact after 10 years because she'd spent all that time being lead to believe that I was an awful person, who abused her son, took all his money for maintenance etc.

Once I found this out I sent her some of the messages he'd sent me, and the CMS documentation to show that he's ordered to pay £30 a month and doesn't pay it.

She's now NC with him and in the process of we're making steps to her building a relationship with DD.

I'm also the only child of a Narcissist mother. I showed texts that she's sent me to family and unfortunately most decided that I must have done something in the past, even as far back as childhood to upset Her, so really it's my fault she treats me like this.

Good luck ❤️

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 03/11/2023 08:54

Some families are truly awful. I’m sorry OP.

It sounds to me like you’ve made peace with your relationship with them and I’m happy for you in that respect.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/11/2023 08:56

GrumpyPanda · 03/11/2023 08:52

Who cares about being petty! Our obsession with beeee kiiiind is the bane of women's lives. The couple of occasions I've been able to indulge some righteous, richly indulged pettiness are a source of joy and satisfaction even years after. So unless there's any possible repercussions from the wider relatives - and it doesnt sound like it - just petty away to your heart's content.

Show quote history

It’s not just a problem for women either - I’m a man and I’ve always been told I have to be nice to family regardless of what happens.
It’s taken me nearly 40 years to realise this simply isn’t the case.

BeadedBubbles · 03/11/2023 08:56

I can't begin to imagine how awful this must make you feel. And I'm so sorry you had to grow up with these people.

You're a much better person than I am if you can resist letting her and your siblings know that you saw the message.

I'd be sending the screen shot (with your very nice message wishing her a HB) to as many relatives/friends as you can and telling them how hurt you are.

Biasquia · 03/11/2023 08:57

GrumpyPanda · 03/11/2023 08:52

Who cares about being petty! Our obsession with beeee kiiiind is the bane of women's lives. The couple of occasions I've been able to indulge some righteous, richly indulged pettiness are a source of joy and satisfaction even years after. So unless there's any possible repercussions from the wider relatives - and it doesnt sound like it - just petty away to your heart's content.

Show quote history

You are my people. !!!!

I totally agree @Narcfamilies . Don’t abandon yourself. Speak up.

“that message was cruel and unkind but after a lifetime of that treatment from you I now know this is absolutely a you problem”

Then block. Take care of yourself. I am also from a narcfamily it is very hard. I’m totally NC with the lot of them.

LiCenDon · 03/11/2023 08:57

Sounds like it's inheritance and your mother is being manipulated.
I'd be tempted to send screenshot on to the other family members asking if they can shed any light on what this means as you're a bit confused, in a light, enquiring sort of way!

What country are you in? If you're in Scotland you cannot completely disinherit a child