No real point to this. Got text meant for golden child sister

[Narcfamilies]

Been very LC with my family for a few years now. Mother is narcissistic and I was horrendously abused as a child teen and young adult emotionally financially and physically. One sibling golden child other just a bystander / tool when needed . Mother and sister managed to maintain a perfect public image to this day so I don’t see wider family / family friends.

When I got out I was just very low contact. So I basically send texts on special occasions or other rare times (so maybe 3/4 times a year)

I had text my mother last week as it was her 75mg birthday. She never even bothers to send my dc birthday cards but I thought it’s her 75th it won’t hurt . I text ‘Happy Birthday hope you have a lovely day. Hope you’ve been well we are all good kids well and happy etc etc’

shes not the best with tech and i got a message back almost immediately with a screenshot saying ‘She’s sent this don’t worry I won’t reply just letting you know she sent it first I haven’t started it just like you said. She won’t be able to say or prove we had any kind of relationship / contact so don’t worry about that. I won’t mention the kids as I know yours are the priority. Will keep you updated xxxx’
its not that I’m hurt I’m just pissed off and can’t understand why they act like this !

And why the comment about proving any kind of relationship??! I don’t want to do that makes no sense

Just frustrated that they carry this on

Gosh OP you have really been through it. Hats off for getting out the other end.

It's fun to imagine putting the cat among the pigeons with that message. But I suspect that just going NC is the most relaxing solution.

In a sense the best thing about this message is it gives you permission to never ever ever see her, speak to her or have anything to do with her again. You can free your conscience and know that it is entirely her and not you. Perhaps reframing the message as a freeing moment where she showed you her true colours, rather than continue in any kind of vain hope she will be a decent mother and treat you with kindness.

It is a truly awful message in response to a kindly worded birthday message. You are completely in the clear in terms of blame for that response.

It's easy for me on the end of the internet to say create a WhatsApp group and put it in but more difficult to do it in real life. And you wouldn't be able to leave the relationship on a high, knowing you have the moral high ground and have done absolutely nothing wrong.

It sounds like your sister is the bigger problem and as golden child has picked up on the narcissist tendencies. I wonder how she treats her children. I think I would message your mum and say it was only a happy birthday message, my children don’t need to be your priority etc. Then block them all and move on. I think the message has probably confirmed all you knew, which is sad. I hope your ok.

That was the bit that I found hurtful bringing the children into it - why do my sisters children have to be the priority?? Or is she pushing that as she’s scared because she knows what happens to children who my mother doesn’t view as the priority as she witnessed what happened to me

So sorry OP, & I didn’t mean to make light of it by imagining you messing with them. I bet it’s hurtful. I would seriously consider telling one of the family about it - I like the idea of sending them the screenshot and saying ‘Hope mum is ok and not scared of Golden Child, this sounds a bit strange’. Who is most likely to blab?! I also like the idea of sending screenshot to sister and saying ‘Think this is meant for you darling xxx’

This sounds awful, I'm sorry. I would just add to what others have said, that in my experience inheritance is never a given. My parents were in good health at 75 Now they are in their early 80s, my father's care home fees are eating away at their savings etc and we have no idea what the future holds for our mother. I don't think this is unusual.

You’re better off without either of them @Narcfamilies

you know this.

im so terribly sorry for the hurt you must be feeling

i know how deep it cuts, how much it hurts.

NC is the way and eventually you’ll stop caring, they won’t hurt you anymore

<huge sisterly hug>

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @Narcfamilies. I also have a narcissistic mum and it is so painful and disorientating to be manipulated and gaslit by someone that you just want to love you.

If there is anyway of expressing to other family members how hurt you feel and detailing what happened, I would go for it. I’ve had issues with family members brushing stuff under the carpet but some of them are starting to understand.

Oh it would be petty. And a bit childish. But you know what, no one's perfect and if petty is the worst of my flaws, I'm ok with that.

Pick the biggest gossip you know, send her the screenshot with the caption LOL how pathetic! and tell the gossip not to tell anyone. Everyone your mother has ever met will know by lunchtime.

Hahaha yes, this!! I am petty though 🤣

No way could I be the bigger person in this. I would have to send the message to anyone who didn't believe me prior to this. But you're probably more mature than me. I'm so sorry you got given such a shitty family. You deserve better and I'm glad you're out of that. Live your life well

You have carved a life for yourself and your children. Your mother wants no part of it she probably uses your sister to get at you. She wants to cause you pain. I would go no contact you are her audience don't give it to her anymore. Forget the inheritance you have something that is worth more the love from your children. You need to grieve the mother you wanted and the mother you never had and move on with your life. Leave them to get on with it they don't deserve you or your children.

Sounds like sister has got her eyes on her inheritance

LOL.

telling them “thanks for the evidence” would definitely scare the crap out of them for a bit 🤪

Tempting as all manner of witty messages would be, I wouldn't feed into the drama. They will thrive on it and it will give more ammunition to these nasty pair to other you and bond in the process.

I would keep the message safe, and when the time comes that your mother passes, I would be challenging the will under the grounds of undue influence.

Nor would I make any statements to them about going no contact. Again, it will just provide ammunition. I would just quietly do it.

I agree with @NigellaAwesome - I would use this thread to elaborate the many fantastic comebacks and approaches, but in real life I would just go NC and not give them any ammunition. They don't deserve any of your attention and certainly none of your children's. I would use her 76th birthday next year as a day to celebrate yourself and your kids and the family you have built together. And privately celebrate an entire year free of their toxicity.

Something this simple would be great. I'm not sure I could resist. As others have said, I don't think I could be the bigger person here.

I hope you remember this when they come to you for financial help or practical help with your mother when she needs it.

Agree

Other people won't know unless OP tells them. Her mum and sister will be twisting the truth to make OP look bad.

Same has happened to me and I am making sure everyone has a full history of what my mum did. I have seen distant relatives treat me differently, how the hell do they know about this ? Mum.

So I see people that I know will spread my truth because they have big mouths!

I know I will never see my mum again. I tried. She couldn't care less and I know my sister is already investing my mums money in her kids names. Sister was never interested in seeing my mum, but all of a sudden she's there every weekend. She knows mum will die soon so she's after the inheritance.

They know I will contest it. Its sometimes good to be a live wire and keep them on their toes.

But of course it hurts. Being rejected by your mum, at any age, is hard.

But walking away is a must to keep your sanity and concentrating on healing and being there for your own family unit.

12 people so far agree with me! I think you should send the screenshot in a family group chat. She's lied and turned many family members against you. They need to know the truth. You won't be being petty.

Your mum may end up needing full time care in a care home (meaning less inheritence for golden child) or ask your sister to provide care for her. Your sister won't be happy but she signed up for this.

I think wider family members don't really care and will resent any attempt to drag them into a family psychodrama.

I would honestly stay well away from trying to involve other family members.

You are correct, you cannot contest a will unless you were dependent if that is what it is about. Time to go NC probably.

That's not victim blaming the op has a shit family and she does exist. She is her mother's daughter and she has rights to protect herself and her children from an emotionally abusive mother and sister. That doesn't mean she has no rights to an inheritance and allow them to continue to emotionally abuse her even in death. Op does exist and she should stand up for herself and not be a victim. Her mother has no right to disown her daughter for no reason. Op will get her day she needs to be patient.

Telling someone they should act in a different way in order to avoid being a victim is pretty much a definition of victim blaming. I think the OP needs to do what is best for her and what will bring her the best chance of peace and happiness. That might be responding to her mother, or it might be going NC. I think either is a valid choice, depending on which one the OP thinks will be best for her.

But I do think you need to bear in mind that the problem with revenge fantasies is that they very, very rarely play out how we would like them to do. Sadly, the OP is not going to get what she wants from her mother. And so one option is just to let it all play out, without her own involvement. I suspect that whatever spiteful, codependent dynamic exists between mother and golden child will be its own punishment, ultimately, for the two of them.

And unfortunately, no, children don't have a right to an inheritance, at least not in England.

Your mother and sister sound truly awful, big hugs to you.

Glad to hear that you are going to go NC. This is very clear evidence of the way your mother thinks - truly spiteful and narcissistic. In some odd way it could be viewed as a blessing to see it laid out in black and white... no more guessing/clutching at straws/doubting your reality.

I wouldn't send the screenshot to anyone - keep it though. I would try, as much as you possibly can, never to mention your mother and your sister again (the exception being with a counsellor to bring you closure/help you grieve the lifelong loss of a key family member who not only wasn't there like they should be but abused). If someone, who you respect, in the family asks - show them the screenshot then and say it just confirms the thought process behind a lifetime of abuse but then don't get drawn into it. Emotionally intelligent people with some life experience will be able to see straight through your mother/sister not matter what they say.

💐

To quote @RedderThanABeet

Are you in Scotlanf? The laws are different here.

My father left everything to my mother, apart from a couple of personal items my brother and me weren't left any money at all, which was fine, but here children are entitled to inherit.

So my mother got half, and my brother and me got half each of what was left.

@BebbanburgIsMine