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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No real point to this. Got text meant for golden child sister

380 replies

Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 08:32

Been very LC with my family for a few years now. Mother is narcissistic and I was horrendously abused as a child teen and young adult emotionally financially and physically. One sibling golden child other just a bystander / tool when needed . Mother and sister managed to maintain a perfect public image to this day so I don’t see wider family / family friends.

When I got out I was just very low contact. So I basically send texts on special occasions or other rare times (so maybe 3/4 times a year)

I had text my mother last week as it was her 75mg birthday. She never even bothers to send my dc birthday cards but I thought it’s her 75th it won’t hurt . I text ‘Happy Birthday hope you have a lovely day. Hope you’ve been well we are all good kids well and happy etc etc’

shes not the best with tech and i got a message back almost immediately with a screenshot saying ‘She’s sent this don’t worry I won’t reply just letting you know she sent it first I haven’t started it just like you said. She won’t be able to say or prove we had any kind of relationship / contact so don’t worry about that. I won’t mention the kids as I know yours are the priority. Will keep you updated xxxx’
its not that I’m hurt I’m just pissed off and can’t understand why they act like this !

And why the comment about proving any kind of relationship??! I don’t want to do that makes no sense

Just frustrated that they carry this on

OP posts:
PlipPlopChoo · 03/11/2023 19:18

I'd respond with a screenshot and something honest and dignified like That was very painful for me to read. All I have wanted is a relationship with you as my mother and grandmother to my kids, but you seem to see me as chasing an inheritance instead. Let me set your mind at ease; I don't want that, and will never pursue it. In light of the above message, I will regretfully also stop pursuing a relationship with both you and [sister], as it seems neither of you want one and the rejection is incredibly hurtful to me. I wish you both the best, and goodbye

No that lets them off the hook. OP needs to make them sweat big time.

CheekyHobson · 03/11/2023 19:24

I wouldn't send that. A narcissist will enjoy knowing they've caused hurt.

Yes, but dignity is about being true to yourself, not pandering to the dysfunctional reactions of a twisted person. Whether you send insults or threats or express your pain, none of it will elicit a reaction from a narcissist that you might think of as 'normal'. They will be gleeful to see they have caused hurt, and they will see cutting truths or threats to expose them as outrageous false insults and unjustified attacks that only feed their own victim narrative.

A normal person would feel stricken with guilt to know what they caused the OP to feel; just because her mother may receive it with glee it doesn't mean the OP should hide her own honest experience.

The OP could respond with cutting words of her own, which may give some short-term satisfaction but I think in the long run (having had to learn to deal with with a narcissist myself) you eventually just feel you have sunk to their level, even if what you say is true.

I think if you can walk away from a narcissist relationship having shown a level of dignity and grace they did nothing to earn - it's come entirely from your own decent character - it's easier to put the experience to bed in your own mind eventually.

CheekyHobson · 03/11/2023 19:25

No that lets them off the hook. OP needs to make them sweat big time.

You can't. Trust me. They always find a way to make themselves into the victim. I think it's better to focus on being the most honest and decent version of yourself.

PlipPlopChoo · 03/11/2023 19:25

Or another idea for a response to both mum and sibling.

"Thanks for the message. That will come in handy in a few years time"

Then ignore any replies.

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/11/2023 19:29

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 03/11/2023 08:38

Or if you want fuck with your sister a bit you could send her a text,

”I had a great catch up with mum last night, really good to clear the air and resolve some difference. I think I can see a reconciliation on the horizon.”

The block all numbers and go live you life.

LOL!

Or one "accidentally" sent to your sister saying 'Oh,Mum - it was wonderful to catch up last night, and to find that you've missed me as much as I've missed you. Don't worry - I'll keep schtum! xxxx"

Then delete it after 15 minutes. 😂

wineandmaltesershappyme · 03/11/2023 19:29

KeithChegwinFromExtrasPopKnob · 03/11/2023 08:38

Tell them both to fuck off and never have a thing to do with either of them again

This. Fuck them, awful people.

Unicorn2022 · 03/11/2023 19:30

That's awful OP, so sorry.

I'd be tempted to send myself flowers on my birthday and regularly post photos of christmas and birthday gifts for me and the kids all over social media saying "thanks mum for my lovely flowers etc" to get your mum and sister arguing between themselves

StripeyDeckchair · 03/11/2023 19:40

I would have to use this to have some fun & wind them up. I'd also have no qualms about sharing with wider family

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/11/2023 19:43

BlueStockingTimes · 03/11/2023 08:50

Any relative can contest a will though it is very hard to actually get anywhere. I know because my Mother left everything to one child and my siblings wanted to contest. I got advice from a solicitor friend, it really wasn’t worth it and we didn’t. Golden child received everything but now none of us even speak to her. You talk about the other sibling who is a bystander, that was me because I refused to engage with it at all.

So my sisters inheritance was around 350k and her other inheritance was her 5 siblings having nothing to do with her. I would suggest you become like bystander sibling and maybe build that relationship. Myself and one sister had the attitude of your bystander sibling, the other 3 allowed themselves to be sucked in to the whole drama. When Mother did die it was far worse for them.

My paternal grandmother used her money to control and manipulate the family - I was like you. When I was quite young (early teens) I saw what she was doing and stepped back from it. It drove her crackers because I wouldn't play her game. The rest of them danced like puppets.

Yes - they got the wedge, but I had peace of mind. I really couldn't have danced to her tune the way they did.

icelollycraving · 03/11/2023 19:44

How bizarre and upsetting. If you’re going nc, you have nothing to lose. I’d add the screenshot, and say what a bizarre response from a happy birthday message.
Then leave the chat.

Dibbydoos · 03/11/2023 19:52

Sue her for the she's done to you. She'll have no fg estate to gift then!

What pieces of work she and your sister are.

Sending you a hug OP, live your life well and stick 2 fingers up at them.

grumpycow1 · 03/11/2023 20:06

Please text her back saying ‘Don’t worry, I don’t want your filthy money, in fact, after this I want nothing to do with you ever again’. Send the screenshot to all the wider family and then go NC.

Tigger1895 · 03/11/2023 20:09

I honestly think you need to reply with a screenshot of her message to both of them saying “not sure what’s going on but thank you for proving I have be correct in my decision to go LC and from now will be going NC”.
Don’t say anything else, only then can you decide to wait for replies or simply block them.
They have a plan and the chances of you finding out what it is are minuscule.

Cattenberg · 03/11/2023 20:18

NotSuchASmugMarried · 03/11/2023 09:49

Hopefully your mum will need full time care and her money will go on that.

One of my friends has a nice sibling and a greedy, conniving one. The greedy sibling persuaded their elderly, widowed parent to transfer ownership of the family home into said sibling’s name. She didn’t do this to reduce inheritance tax for them all - she fully intended to grab the whole inheritance for herself.

Anyway, all of Greedy Sibling’s scheming came to nowt, as the surviving parent developed dementia and the family home had to be sold to pay their care home fees. And both of GS’s siblings and their families are NC with GS.

OP, I’m sorry your mum and sister are treating you so appallingly. I doubt the money will make either of them happy.

MrsMiddleMother · 03/11/2023 20:20

Just two massive arseholes, delete their numbers and go no contact. Would be better for you x

grumpycow1 · 03/11/2023 20:24

Uncooperativefingers · 03/11/2023 09:46

I can completely understand OP why you would want to go NC and leave them all to it. And all power to you if that's what you decide.

However, if you wanted to mess with their heads, I'd pretend you never saw the message. Every week or so, I'd text your mum "to see how she is". Sometimes, I'd write it as though it was a continuation of a conversation (eg one you pretended to have had on the phone/in person). Occasionally thank her for "a lovely chat" or "good catch up when life's so busy". Her tactic of not responding will freak them out, as you are still appearing to have a relationship anyway. Not because you want it for evidence, just to wind them up!

Eventually, you might get a "leave me alone" message or blocked, but the pettiness in me would enjoy it for a while!

Depending on the message you get back, you could even send replies alluding to "I know no-one is allowed to know we talk mum, and I promise I won't tell anyone. Can't you just make sure golden sister doesn't see your phone? Or is it too risky?"

This is genius 😂

”So lovely to see you yesterday mum, the kids loved seeing you. Thanks for the thoughtful cards xxxx”

love it 😂

Amara123 · 03/11/2023 20:32

Send the screenshot to another family member, expressing concern that your mum is being unduly pressured/abused. Ask innocently if the police should check in with her. Then watch the family bush telegraph take care of the rest...

MustWeDoThis · 03/11/2023 20:35

Actually, you can challenge the Will. Even if she has no evidence of relationship you are still her biological child and can challenge it.

The petty part of me would declare her medically unstable and have her put in a home, then walk off into the sunset with her money.

forgotmyusername1 · 03/11/2023 20:42

Wow mum. I always suspected sis was emotionally abusing you but now I have the proof. Thank you so much for sending this to me. I will let social services know. I will save you mum. Love you

binkie163 · 03/11/2023 20:43

@Narcfamilies on the plus side you now have full permission to go NC. They have done you a favour, no more bothering with low contact. I had similar, I found out by accident and that was it, I went NC wish I had done it 40 years ago.

Original poster
Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 20:44

Blueblell · 03/11/2023 17:25

I wonder if it is your sister manipulating your mum and wonder about elder abuse.

I can’t imagine that happening, I know it’s a possibility but in all
honesty knowing how absolutely awful my mother was to me and how controlling and powerful I can’t imagine her being abused - but I wouldn’t rule it out totally

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 03/11/2023 20:56

If she is abusing your mother it's not your problem she made her bad. Is your mum still with your dad?

DingleDongle80 · 03/11/2023 21:11

I'd have fun winding her up. Send messages saying things like "It was so lovely to speak on the phone to you the other day. Thanks for calling".

Or play them off against each other just for sport. Like "Mum rang me the other day. What on earth were you thinking to say something like that to her?" Then when your sus says "what are you talking about, just respond with "you know exactly what I'm talking about. Poor Mum!" 😂

I would have such sport with it.

Original poster
Narcfamilies · 03/11/2023 21:25

Carpediemmakeitcount · 03/11/2023 20:56

If she is abusing your mother it's not your problem she made her bad. Is your mum still with your dad?

No they got divorced when I was 10 - he tried really hard for contact and was blocked at every turn (but she took the maintenance) and he died when I was 22 I had gone to live with him when I was 19 after a particularly horrible incident

OP posts:
Grendell · 03/11/2023 21:50

Are we voting? I vote for petty.