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Original poster

His message to the OW

519 replies

BlushTeddy · 02/11/2023 19:33

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 07/11/2023 07:26

Says that she’s blocked him on everything now anyway so no need for me to worry on that front!
Oh, OP.

He’s physically with you but emotionally still attached, but she can’t message him, so it’s all ok?

Oh dear.
Fastforward 15/20 years, he buggers off again and your self esteem has been so eroded that it’s so much harder to go.

This makes me sad.

Thewookiemustgo · 07/11/2023 07:37

Sadly this is often the case @Flyingfoxgirl but he chose to
pursue you and you chose to allow him into your life knowing the risks, and then you chose to allow him back into your life again, despite him being married and now having a small child.
It isn’t your job to police him or his marriage, that’s his appalling behaviour, but it’s your job to police yourself and realise that married men in affairs will say pretty much anything to string everyone along whilst they hedge their bets, try to keep both relationships, even sometimes for years.
Please stop colluding in the continued abuse of another woman, it’s his betrayal but you have a part in this, the victim is his wife, not you. You chose it.
Put yourself in her shoes, she probably loves him as much as you do, imagine the pain she is suffering thanks to the behaviour of both of you. Was their decision to stay together and have a baby and leave you behind not painful enough for you?
When he says you’ll never get better than what you had, what you had is an affair, so effectively he’s saying you’re the best affair he’s ever had and you’ll never get better in any relationship than the rush having an affair with him gave you. What a load of bollocks! I would hope any woman can do better than this.
Run a mile from this odious man who thinks it’s ok to string you along, lie to his wife, tell you his crumbs are the best you’ll ever have (this isn’t romantic, it’s frankly insulting) and keep you dangling.

Alwayswildatheart · 07/11/2023 08:17

@BlushTeddy

'The reconciliation has been false'
Have you told him this is how you feel? Have you told him just how painful this is for you and that his actions have set you right back to 'D' day? Has he given you access or contact details of this mutual friend to corroborate that he merely asked after her and the content of that conversation?

Is he bending over backwards to make it right with you? If not I'd be telling him you deserve to be with someone who is 100% committed to you and your marriage, not a limp loose cannon that could go off at any time.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you seem so resigned and passive about all this. Are you so desperate to keep the marriage that you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and not rocking the boat but are quietly seething and dying away inside? If so, this is no way to live.

I think it is crunch time for you and he needs 100% to know he has exhausted your patience and good grace. He needs an ultimatum and to see you making plans positively to move on without him. You deserve so much more than this selfish and quite frankly pathetic man who considers it acceptable after all he has done to continue to treat you so disrespectfully.

HazelBite · 07/11/2023 08:49

I agree with most of the comments on here and that it's "crunch" time, he's obviously not as committed as the OP should expect at this stage.

MsRosley · 07/11/2023 09:05

So sorry, OP. You deserve someone who really loves you - and only you - and whose heart is 100% in the marriage.

RandomNutter · 07/11/2023 09:52

Sorry but if he makes a martyr of himself to stay with you for now, he will at some point cheat again. With her, or someone else who 'understands what he's going through '.

It's going to be like ripping off a plaster. You can do it slowly and painfully, or one strong pull.

vipersnest1 · 07/11/2023 18:44

@BlushTeddy 'Tried to reiterate he’s ‘trying to commit to his decision and sorry he hasn’t been perfect’.'
What a pathetic excuse.
You deserve so much more than that.

RandomForest · 07/11/2023 22:54

YerArseInParsley · 07/11/2023 04:09

@RantyAnty

Agree, some people do spout some shit.

Show quote history

Cheers 😂

Looks like I've hit a nerve with certain types.

It's just as probable that she chased him and not the other way round, many do.

Op you have been together two years and from your post you seem to think there has been no contact, that he's trying, two years is a long time in affair land, if you really love someone you don't stay away for that long, you can't.

I agree with @MMmomDD in this instance that he may well really want to be with you, at least explore her reasons, maybe ask her for her version of events before you throw the towel in, but of course that is your perogative.

Just remember there are some on here who have a very clear cut view of side piece power, with most of them believing wives should always do the right thing and step aside to make way for the all deserving ow.

It's usually cloud cukkoo politics.

Sashya · 08/11/2023 00:22

@BlushTeddy

So - have you told any of this to your H? Does he realise the upheaval you have been going through - and that to you it feels like a a huge trigger and opening of the wound that hasn't healed.

Have you discussed it at all in any of your counselling sessions since?

Is he trying to do anything differently? He must be feeling/seeing/sensing something?

TheRealLilyMunster · 08/11/2023 10:08

I don't really understand the continuing dilemma.

We could debate his motives forever, but the bottom line is that the OPs husband clearly would rather be elsewhere.

Unless she's happy to plod along in the relationship until he decides to leave (which at some point he inevitably will - perhaps when he deems the kids are old enough), then the solution seems pretty clear cut to me.

Better to cut your losses now, rather that waste years of your life.

Thewookiemustgo · 08/11/2023 16:14

@TheRealLilyMunster it would seem that there is no dilemma, but OP, whilst sounding as if it might be the end of the road, has only said so far that she is considering her next move, not necessarily that her next move is ending the relationship. Only OP can decide what’s best for her life and her family, even if we would decide differently.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 08/11/2023 16:31

Thanks all for your continued support on here.

I’ve been having a think and trying to work out if it’s worth splitting up our family. I think if this had been a year ago it would be more clear cut, however this far down the line and evidence of there still being feelings… I wonder if he’ll eventually get over it and it was an error of judgment or if he’s really only here out of duty and it will never improve.

obviously in the aftermath of an affair the relationship hasn’t been easy. It’s either continued escapism, not that that’s acceptable, or genuine feelings for her. And me deciding where the line is. Because ultimately he has lied to me again and I’m not sure if this is the last straw for me. It’s thrown me right back. And just worried this will keep happening.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 08/11/2023 16:40

You don’t string people along who you intend to let down gently.

He’s keeping the contact with her warm just in case he gets bored of his ‘committed’ father and husband narrative. This way she knows that he’ll probably crawl back out of the woodwork whenever it takes his fancy.

You and the OW could and should do better. His duplicity continues.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 08/11/2023 16:59

AgentJohnson · 08/11/2023 16:40

You don’t string people along who you intend to let down gently.

He’s keeping the contact with her warm just in case he gets bored of his ‘committed’ father and husband narrative. This way she knows that he’ll probably crawl back out of the woodwork whenever it takes his fancy.

You and the OW could and should do better. His duplicity continues.

I know it’s pathetic. And such a mindf**k really because he’s basically going around acting like he’s still interested (in her) but then thinks his ‘staying’ like a martyr counteracts that entirely. Like just his physical presence is enough?? Never mind how it makes me feel. Poor him. Having to stay with his wife and kids to fulfil his ‘duty’. His words and actions just don’t add up.

OP posts:
Flakjacketon · 08/11/2023 17:17

I don't want to make things more difficult for you at this awful time but I would advise you to play it forward and think how things might be when the DC are 'old enough'.

My friend's DH had an affair , with a lot of hard work she thought they had got through it. But he was just treading water, as soon as their youngest reached 16 and he deemed them 'old enough' he left. He had managed to keep OW dangling for 3 years.

workshy46 · 08/11/2023 17:34

I can understand why you would be slow to break up but be aware that there is zero chance he won't leave you at some point. Maybe 10 years down the line once the kids are older and he is more set financially but you are not enough for him. Even after two years he is still pinning over someone else. I very much doubt its about her, she is just the last person he was actually interested in. It will be someone else and then you will be older, in a worse position and it won't be on your terms. Be v v careful here.. if you do decide to stay I would build your own life and happiness outside him so when he does leave you won't feel it so much.

WatieKatie · 08/11/2023 17:35

Are you still having marriage counselling @BlushTeddy? If so could you discuss the message, how it’s made you feel and his utter disregard towards your feelings during the next session?

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 08/11/2023 18:53

@WatieKatie we have been but I kind of don’t see the point given he’s never once actually admitted his true feelings for her and the whole point of counselling was to get everything out in the open.
@workshy46 what I don’t get is what is the point in him pretending then? Why won’t he just agree to coparent amicably? Why does he insist on staying and being a martyr if he doesn’t love me? It’s like he actually wants to be a victim for some reason. I don’t get it.

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 08/11/2023 19:07

OP, are you still in love with him? Maybe that is what you should be asking. Not do you love the idea of him or do you love what you used to believe about him, but do you love, respect and want to be around him right now. Do you want to run to him in joy and make love to him? Ask yourself these questions too. Your feelings really matter. Do you hope for this renewed love or is it there now?

porridgeisbae · 08/11/2023 19:21

You 'shouldn't' love him. I know it doesn't always work that way, but if someone treats you badly, sometimes the love understandably goes.

Original poster
BlushTeddy · 08/11/2023 19:32

@Delphinium20 for a long time after D-day I thought I did. Despite it being hell that’s why I thought we could work through.

the thing with this is that I can’t understand why he has to play the victim and martyr himself. Why do cheaters do this? Why don’t they leave, if it’s so bad? Why does he get to make out he’s being some noble hero by staying?? Like his marriage is just some inconvenient circumstance completely out of his control?

It’s just made him so unattractive to me. Right now I don’t think I can love him. Even the OW is done with him. It’s like the penny has dropped.

OP posts:
Alohapotato · 08/11/2023 19:44

It seems he is in love with this OW and he is just staying with you for the children's benefit. You deserve better, divorce and start your life again.

Delphinium20 · 08/11/2023 19:44

I know with kids that a trial separation can be really tough - I suspect a divorce and then support to help your children deal w/ the new normal is healthier than back and forth, but YOU sound like you need your own time and space away from him to see what YOU really want. I feel for you, OP, I really do. It's a tricky situation. Do you have a close friend or family member who can give support, advice? Someone who can see the bigger picture and is on your side?

Stomacharmeleon · 08/11/2023 20:00

@BlushTeddy you deserve so much better. This is your life after all. And at some point your children will be grown. Do you not want to be with someone who fights for you? Who thinks you are the best there is to offer?

I just don't see how you would have peace of mind.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 08/11/2023 20:17

Why don’t they leave, if it’s so bad?

Because it’s not that bad really, is it? I’m sure you make his life a lot easier than it would be if you were separated.

I think mine stayed out of convenience, economics, not having to ever parent solo, enjoying the reputation and image of being a family man while still behaving like he was single…

Mine waited til 2 days after our youngest’s last a-level exam and then dropped the bomb about his 4 year affair. Pretty much literally the second I’d outlived my usefulness. I was the one taking care of everything at home - kids, dogs, house….while he was off having spa breaks and sneaky nights away with his affair partner under the guise of work trips or sports events.

We should have split 10-12 years ago. Now I’m 50 so I feel like I’ve got less chance of finding someone again. I could have been enjoying my life for the past decade but instead I was walking on eggshells and pouring myself into making him happy.

He is stealing your precious life. Time is the one thing we can’t get more of. Don’t waste it on him.

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