His message to the OW

[BlushTeddy]

Two years ago I found out DH was having an affair lasting around a year.

Long story short we decided to stay together. We have young DC. He begged to stay, didn’t want to lose his family. The usual. We have been having counselling and trying to work through it. It’s been hard but I thought we were finally making progress. Admittedly things are strained sometimes and we’re nowhere near out of the woods but I thought it was still relatively early days.

Then the other day I found a message he’d sent the OW recently, around 2 months ago. No chain, just his so I’m guessing he forgot to delete. So no idea what was said prior. He said he really missed her, but that he was still ‘trying’ to live up to his commitment to me and DC. And it’s been hard but he’s ‘doing the best he can’…. with ‘his decision to stay’.

I haven’t confronted him yet because I’m still processing. Is he just trying to let her down gently and I take it as a good sign he’s at least not starting anything up again? Or does he genuinely just feel like he’s had no choice??

I don’t even know what to think. I thought things were getting better. Now I’m guessing he doesn’t even truly want to be doing this.

I feel like I’m not working with all the information

I don’t think you ever will.
If your husband is that unhappy/discontent in himself and his marriage - won’t you always be second guessing?
I was the OW in a situation - neither of us were married. We knew each other before he met his new partner who then got pregnant. Supposedly by accident, she’d have been in her late 30s and he would have been early 50s at the time. . I thought I was very much in love with him. It’s been more than 13 years now since I’ve seen him. He contacted me on and off and on until five years ago. At one point his partner (who he referred to as X’s mother) saw all his messages. He was quiet for a while. I blocked him. He still contacted me via a different email address. Spiel about being with his partner for his daughter.

Your last post brought up a memory. He worked away quite a bit ie travelled with work. I remember being at his house one night very shortly after he had returned from being away - the US or South America I think - and we were looking for condoms. He remembered where they were. They were in his bag that he had taken away.
I realised then he was never someone I could trust. I walked out that night. I wish I had never looked back.

All that wasted energy trying to understand your semi-detached husband and his motives would be better channelled into working out what YOU want.

Do you still love him? Do you want to stay with him? If so, what would he need to do to make things right?

Look inwards, take back a bit of control and don't let him decide your future. I hope it works out for you.

OP please reread excellent post @Susieb2023 It's spot on. He knows there is no consequences because you will stay no matter what.

Hmm that sounds like a bit of a risk unless it’s genuine. You can’t threaten to leave unless you actually want to. He might just be relieved to be honest, sounds like his heart is elsewhere. Two years is a long time to be thinking of someone. And if he hasn’t tried to restart anything it doesn’t seem to be that it’s purely for an ego boost?

I feel for you OP. This must be heartbreaking. Make sure you look after yourself this weekend x

OP YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THEN THIS... what a shit of a man

Nobody that I have read mentions that he may just be staying because he cannot comfortably financially leave, and that means different levels for different people. Just because he could live in half, doesn’t mean it is ideal for him.

OP I was just wondering whether you are also, deep down, feeling some sort of relief that this has happened? You don't need to do this anymore, you don't need to live with the anxiety, the "is he thinking of her" the questions about your relationship. You gave it your best shot and now maybe allow yourself to have some relief from the constant nagging doubts and now move on whilst grieving your old marriage before any of this happened. Obviously I may be completely wrong here but some of your posts read like you are not allowing yourself to admit that now, finally, a weight has been lifted. Perhaps you feel (absolutely unjustified) guilt about the break up of your family so that is why you want so much to make sure that this is "worth" breaking up over. It absolutely totally is, but even if this had not occurred then you would still be allowed to feel relieved when the pressure of "making it work" is removed. This is totally on him, and has always been.

Apologies if I have completely misread this. All of your emotions are completely normal. There is no one response to this.

This isn’t about playing a game and it most certainly isn’t about taking ‘a risk’.

OP needs to centre herself in this situation. I doubt very much ‘his heart is elsewhere’ or any such nonsense. He’s just a selfish and entitled man who still wants to cling pathetically to the 20% the AP provided for him.

He’s not stupid, he realises the 80% is worth staying for. It’s worth more than the affair highs. Trouble for this man child is he likes to play victim about his poor little self losing that 20% that made him ‘whole’.

But he’s aware if he leaves he only gets 20%! This is why the VAST majority of affairs fail when taken irl! Check out the stats of you don’t believe me.

OP needs to be ready to leave. Ready to establish that her healing and her safety is the priority. He may realise that there are consequences to his actions and he might man up. He might not. But either way OP will be happier down the line.

What we are all in agreement about is that right now she deserves better, whether that’s moving forward alone or with a husband who finally understands that her healing comes first.

@Flyingfoxgirl thank you - interesting, I suppose on some level I do, if only because it means I can finally stop questioning myself and my gut instinct. So much didn’t add up at the time and then we’ve trundled on and then I was feeling something was off again for weeks. So at least now I know I haven’t gone mad.

@Susieb2023 i hear what you’re saying but when I found out I certainly didn’t just roll over and take it. He moved out for a while. It was the most traumatic time of our lives. I fully think he recognised the consequence of me leaving then but here we are again, back here.

@BlushTeddy please don’t misunderstand I’m not saying you’re a push over or that you didn’t give him hell at first. He’s just become complacent as your anger has subsided. He now clearly thinks you’re in for the long haul and it doesn’t matter what he does. He doesn’t recognise your pain, he’s entirely egocentric. Only you can decide if that’s someone you can stay with.

My exdp was like this, always other women on the fridges, over stepping boundaries, getting close, secret texting, pretty much an EA every time, but not enough to leave. It was exhausting watching for signs he was doing it again and I lived in constant stress and worry.

when he left in January at my insistence the relief was immense, no more worrying, no more checking, no more waiting for that kick in the gut when something was discovered.

My advise would be to let him go, your mental health and sanity will thank you.

@HighywayToHell I’m sorry you’ve lived through it! It’s horrible. And you kind of get used to it and think it’s normal. It’s almost like he wants me to end it. So I have to be ‘the bad guy’.

well he may just get his wish now. Going to have to do some grovelling to the OW given she also seems to be sick of him. I just don’t think I can do this anymore.

got my mum with me today thankfully. She is beyond furious. Wasn’t going to say anything but I’m fed up of covering for him!

I believe you're doing all the right things OP, processing the whole thing, grieving and contacting the OW (I would have done the same). Sounds like she's quite angry at him, sounds like he pulled the "I'm unhappy in my marriage my wife doesn't understand me" card and she went along with the ride only to find herself dumped "I'm so sorry but my wife caught me and I just decided that my marriage is not that bad so I'm staying while doing the honourable thing. Ciao". Once he realised he had lost his mistress he then reached out to her "I miss you sooo much but I can't leave my wife". Understandably she has blocked him as he's messing with her feelings. I'm not saying you should feel sorry for her (not one bit) but you two guys have been messed by this tw-at. Sounds like she's quite pissed of at him and more than willing to give you more info so I would take advantage of that. If all this is heading to divorce the more information you have the better.

Information is power, knowledge is wisdom.

Find your anger @BlushTeddy - this is no way to live.

Did OW say how often he'd been in contact over the 2 years and if it was always him that initiated it? I do suspect although he's 80% (as @Susieb2023 accurately describes) with you, when he feels sorry for himself, life gets too much, or he's just thinking he can get away with it etc he reaches out to her again, prioritising himself and prepared to risk what is left of your grace and goodwill in even trying to reconcile.

Of course if you do have the conversation upon his return, he will try to gaslight and spin yarns. Possibly expecting a pat on the back from you as he plays victim/martyr. He really isn't there for you or even has your back. Shameful after all that has happened. No integrity what so ever.

You suffered the worst pain possible, upon discovery a few years ago ( many of us have been there) and survived. You can survive again. Please take note of Susieb2023 very astute words.

Even years on, I have found your post and dilemma rather triggering as a similar scenario. Really rooting for you x

I don’t think it’s about the OW being ‘the one’ even though he might have convinced himself she is. Because if it’s not her, there will be another because these men can’t commit because they don’t want to commit. One person is simply never ‘enough’.

OP maybe think of what you want your future and older age to be like? What when the kids are older and move out to ho to uni? Is the hope then that he is by then so old that he will have ‘grown out’ of his ways?
Maybe that is/will be be enough for you too by then? There are plenty of people in marriages of convenience and I don’t believe ‘true love’ exists for more than the lucky few.

You can complain and threaten to take the kids and go and maybe he will give what he considers his best effort for another few years. Until the night he goes for a drink after work and nostalgia hits him and he reaches out to his ex women again. But if it’s only reaching out and texting and emails are enough for him then maybe it’s ok in the long term?

Is he attractive? Does he get attention? Go for a certain ‘type’?

OP there are plenty of women who put up with this and a lot more if they are getting a lifestyle in return. Look at these boards full of women convinced they are with men they trust wholeheartedly only to feel utterly devastated when they find out they were betrayed. And convinced their DP/DH has ‘learned his lesson’ and will never cheat again. While their posts are read by others rolling their eyes.

Don’t rush into a decision. Decide what YOU want.

@BlushTeddy @Susieb2023 wasn’t at all implying that you just rolled over and took it, I don’t know her personally but I have read enough of her posts on MN to know that the last thing she would ever do to a victim of infidelity is imply that and I can see that she has clarified that to you.
Susieb is right though, until you show him your teeth he will remain in his cloud cuckoo land that he doesn’t have to do a thing about himself and can carry on his dithering and reaching for a crutch every five minutes.
You have written a great deal and are weighing it up slowly, absolutely the right thing to do. However, you still seem ambivalent about whether to stay or go, also perfectly normal and OK.
BUT: something needs to shift here or the situation will never change. He’s not a safe bet for reconciliation currently but you don’t say you want to leave, change needs to happen to break into the mess. A false reconciliation is devastating, utterly devastating, but not necessarily the end unless you want it to be, or if he won’t sort his shit out.
I know a dear friend who suffered a devastating false reconciliation and the second time she found out the OW had returned to the scene, she threw him out.
He then finally got his act together and threw out the OW for good, and wanted to come home, but my friend refused and made him live alone for 6 months and agreed to see him for platonic ‘dates’ whilst she made up her mind whether she wanted him back. He had to prove he meant it.
Meanwhile she saw a solicitor, found out what she was entitled to, got herself a better job and invested in herself in order to be an independent woman. Her husband knew this and saw it was time for him to step up and get some nuts about his situation. He then moved heaven and earth to try to get his wife back, OW made truly horrible nasty calls to my friend trying to give her affair details in glorious Technicolor because she’d thought that he’d carry on with her when he got thrown out, and was furious that he didn’t. She kept pursuing and trying to cause trouble and leave him with no option other than her.
6 months later my friend allowed him to move back and that was twenty years ago, great marriage, they are really close and he dotes on her, no cheating since.
Until he really got faced with consequences, until my friend showed her teeth, he didn’t sort himself out.
Cheats tend to be avoidant and cowardly when in a tight spot, especially with emotional or self esteem issues that they find hard to talk about. Affairs can plug the need to sort this shit out without having to actually deal with or face the difficult stuff. Avoiding unpleasant emotions, they’d rather self medicate than face it and deal with it.
You might decide to leave him, that’s fine, he’s betrayed your trust twice. Whilst you are still on the fence however, until he gets his head out of his ass he’s no safe partner for you.
Time to act to instigate change, whether that change is the end of the marriage or not. Absolutely your choice.
He needs to face real consequences now. He’s had two years to sort out this crap. Time is more than up OP.

I think that you're exactly right- he wants you to end it and be the bad guy. Do it! Twat.

Permission to eye roll.
We are the few but we exist.
Not all men are serial cheats. Plenty never cheat at all.
To suggest that cheats are defined for life by this is cynical generalising, and suggesting that women who stay are all trading a lifestyle to stay with a husband who cheated is cynical indeed. Some will be, some will perhaps stay for the children, some will stay because of carried shame and not wanting others to think they “failed”. Some will be hurt again, but equally others won’t.
Can they guarantee that their husband will never cheat again? No. Neither can anyone here guarantee that they absolutely will, either, however.
They have an idea of a stereotypical cheating man which is just as unreliable a description as the idea of a stereotypical predatory OW. Both stereotypes do exist, but allowance for variables and self improvement is denied.
Life would be so easy if absolutes were true. They are not. The debate on whether or not to leave a cheat wouldn’t exist if it were, there would never be any point in staying with anyone who cheated, stole, gambled, was an alcoholic etc because their future behaviour would be accepted as fixed and guaranteed. No redemption for anyone here, no point changing for the better, you’re permanently marked, damned, labelled.
Those who eyeroll might have a different lived experience of cheats, a different set of belief systems around cheating, but one size never fits all.

there would never be any point in staying with anyone who cheated, stole, gambled, was an alcoholic etc because their future behaviour would be accepted as fixed and guaranteed. No redemption for anyone here, no point changing for the better, you’re permanently marked, damned, labelled.

Your post doesn't make sense. Once a gambler, always a gambler. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. That is why there are lifetime memberships for GA and AA.
And many would say once a cheat, always a cheat. Except of course for the women who took a cheating guy back because they are the special ones who broke the cycle and their repentant man never strayed again.
Or at least the ones who never got caught. Eyeroll.

Sadly the OP has already found out that she is not in the exclusive group of women whose husband got caught and never betrayed her again.

Your post makes no sense on this particular thread.

The op's husband had an affair and has now been caught out messaging the OW again so has betrayed her trust a second time.

Why make a long post pointing out how people are not necessarily serial cheaters and that you yourself are not a cheat? How is that helpful to this op who's husband IS being repeatedly disloyal?

He should have deleted her number and blocked on every platform, so the chances of having her message him or vice versa shouldn’t of been able to happen.

Hi - I’ve been trying to catch up with the responses, so grateful to everyone who has given their time and thoughts. It has really helped.

I think someone asked about the contact with the OW. He’s been doing it for about a year and a half apparently if she is to be believed. Stalking her socials and asking mutual friends acquaintances etc but not trying to rekindle anything (so she says, but could be protecting him)

I haven’t asked her anything else as not sure I need to know much more.

@BlushTeddy

She was very cagey and said I should talk to him about it but she did say that yes, he had been asking after her and it wasn’t the first time.

She did say though that it was true he never tried to see her or restart anything and that she’d made sure he couldn’t contact her again in any event.

Although he's not trying to contact her (he's blocked so he can't anyway), you need to know why she's still on his mind but I suspect if you ask you will never get a straight answer.

If it's correct and he hasn't tried to start anything again, is that enough for you to stay with him? Does he show signs of being happy and want to be with you? You have so many questions to ask yourself before you make a decision.

@Specso thanks for tagging, it makes no sense because I’ve pasted the wrong post here, apologies! 🙈🙈🙈
Ignore this OP and anyone else who reads it, it’s not correct here.
I find the app so glitchy that I often lose stuff I’ve written so I write it in Notes on my phone then copy and paste it. Helps if I copy and paste the right thing into the right place, I opened the wrong thread to copy it into. 🙈
Sorry @BlushTeddy I’ve clearly had a total brain fart this afternoon, ignore the post Specso is referring to.

@Thewookiemustgo don’t worry 😂 I appreciate your responses regardless!