In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Found my people, spent the whole day with DH today and I'm going loopy.

Male entitlement - if I came home from shopping with bags and the front door was locked, I’d get my keys and open it. When my ex similarly came back, because his hands were full (and the ability to put a bag on the ground and use the keys that 30 seconds ago he had locked the car with, had deserted him) he would knock on the door for me to open it. And get cross if I didn’t jump to it.

OMG I thought it was just my DH who does shit like this!!

Also the questions:

Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Why are you doing that?
Do you have to do that now?

FUCK OFF!!! 😂

Omg the time thing.
Yes just aim for a time and leave when we are ready!!!

Bloody ell did someone record me last night??

He works from home and I'm always out, but last night I was home and he was out.

I cleaned the teens rooms, bleached socks washed 4 loads of stuff, scrubbed the bathroom, sorted admin, did online shopping... I was like a looney but happy.

He's back tonight and I'm plonked on my arse watching TV while he's cooking..

I get the "I've done that" comments too, I'm happy when he's not here but very different busy happy, it's like the house is mine.

Wow! I've just read this thread and it has blown my mind.

I was like this with H. Couldn't put my finger on why at the time but in hindsight it was partly his critical nature, perfectionist tendencies and me putting pressure on myself to be 'on call and available' for him created a stubborn inertia.

I began to relish time alone when he and DS had gone to bed. I was able to do what I wanted, in my own way, in peace, guilt free. But H got frustrated that I wasn't going to bed at the same time as him.

Fast forward and he told me he wanted to end our marriage in the spring. I was heartbroken, and spent time flailing and trying desperately to understand how things went so wrong without me realising.

After he left I didn't seem to know what the hell to do with myself. In hindsight I just didn't know how to be that main character in my life. My role was as a supporting character but with increasingly independent teens and H gone there was no main character to support.

8 months later and although I can't quite say I'm glad that he left I am getting there. I am learning to do what I want, when I want and how I want and it is new, and exciting and empowering. I have remembered what lights me up and I'm starting to do it- wild swimming, late night catch ups with friends, hiking, yoga, eating, crafting (badly but who cares), listening to loud music.

My wonderful friends have carried me through and several friendships have become deeper and stronger in a way that would have been hard for me when I was a wife. I feel incredibly lucky to have such amazing friends who love me just as I am, despite many imperfections. I value them too much to ever prioritise a relationship over strong friendships with people who have shown me that they will show up for me unconditionally.

I totally accept this is not what I wanted but in my case this enforced singledom looks like it might give me a chance to be the main character in my life- and given that I'll just get this one wild and precious life I think it might have been just what I needed.

NB I'm not suggesting for a moment that anyone else would be better off single, or that one needs to be single to be themselves.

Omg I have this too. I have always thought it's because I feel a bit resentful if he's at home thinking why is he not working so hard and being so efficient around the house? So I sit back and do nothing which forces him to do it all 🤨🫣

I've been thinking about this thread too.
It's the support human role drilled into us, and men helping us fulfill this unwritten role.
It's making me so unhappy and frustrated as it feels unnatural, yet a bugger to get rid of. I need to live alone again.

Fascinating thread - exactly the same here, incredible that so many of us feel the same.

I thought I was weird!!!

Wow, so happy that so many of you feel the same.

I’ve actually come back on to vent. Since getting up this morning DH has been ‘going into work’. It’s now 1330 and he’s only just gone 😳
Things went thus:
9am zoom meeting from home
10am I’m going in but need to call colleague so I’ll just do this from home
1130 call finished. I’ll have an early lunch then go in
Much faffing ensues but lunch is had. I pop kettle on for a cuppa, asking if he wants one. Reply is no I need to get into work.
ten minutes later DH puts kettle on and has a cuppa
More faffing. Gets dressed into work clothes.
more faffing, phone checking, general wandering. More phone checking.
Finally fecks off!!! 🙄

@pelargoniums I re-read one of your original comments with awe at summing up such a situation so perfectly, in particular the phrase “performance shoe putting on”
Arghhhhhhghhhhhhhh!

“Spreading his distractability” is also a perfect summation

I can't believe I missed this thread last year because it describes me perfectly. I think I know what the reason is in my case - resentment because I am always the one getting stuff done and DH will sit on this phone or watching sport on TV. So I kind of think, well, I'm not running around folding laundry/unloading the dishwasher/topping up the screenwash in the car/painting the spare room, planting the spring bulbs/etc while you sit there doing nothing. So I do nothing too, to keep the resentment to a minimum.

If he's away for a few days I get on with things and I plan ahead more, because I know that if I have to get DC out of the door in the morning, the bags better be packed and lunches and water bottles done in advance and I'm not waiting for him to do it.

Also, if I am really productive when he's there he says things like 'ooh look at you, you little pocket rocket!' which makes me want to kick him.

It's all rather unhealthy.

Resurrecting an old thread but this popped up on my phone and my goodness this perfectly describes my life! Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with the inertia?

I know this is an old thread but I needed to see it today. Need to get back to being my best self (have shut the office door and slapped some tunes on for a start 😁)

I go out 😂 I wfh and have now started working in the library / or cafes (if I’m in the mood)

These men will drain the life out of us.

No way I’m spending the rest of my life like this - I’m making plans to go.

It was the thought of retirement that really convinced me I have to do it - I realised I absolutely dreaded the thought of retiring with him.

I look around me and there’s not a single marriage amongst my friends or acquaintances that I would choose to be in. I think we were sold a lie on marriage personally.

I used to watch that series of short programmes where celebrities did a long walk, all by themselves, and did a video selfie at the same time. Oooo, I would love to do something like this….go for a long walk on my own or stay somewhere overnight. As a couple we do go for walks at weekends as we both work full time and it’s lovely, but I could just imagine what he’d say if I suggested going alone, somewhere.
i too have got that complete inertia when he’s around, just lollop about, scrolling through crap….and then get frustrated that I’ve done nothing all day. It’s hard not to be resentful……

You have to work at it. Arrange time on your own. Develop separate interests. Go out together rather than staying in. If you have your own interests you’ll have something to talk about. But don’t underestimate the importance of companionship in old age. A split might result in two lonely people.

Your last sentence I agree with completely. It suits the husbands but the wives not so much, imo! There is evidence that married men live longer than single men but single women live longer than married ones. Go figure.
I cannot be with anyone 24/7 and I rely on a wide network of friends to keep me sane. Marriage is a social construct that benefits men more than women.

I went on holiday by myself for nearly three weeks. It was bliss and I did loads of stuff

That sounds amazing, did you just think one day, feck this and go or did you organise it in advance?

It had been on my mind for a while and I’d kept hinting at it. Initially it was going to just be a long weekend in this country but I knew I’d never really get a proper break. I used to travel solo, interrailling and back packing so wanted to do it again and literally find myself.
i booked cheap flights to Italy and wandered around cities staying in hostels visiting museums. It was utter bliss

Thank you for resurrecting this! Just found it in the listing.

My OH retired earlier this year. Took early retirement. I couldn't. So 9 years age difference.
I actually found retirement hard initially, being a do-er. Especially as, being a people pleaser and very conscientious, I don't like to commit myself to something unless I intend to stick at it. So, one day z week in a charityshop has been my life saver.
Got there ultimately. But now finding the lack of head space claustrophobic.

We have had words about it. I've said that we could get out a day a week together? And I'd like to go out by myself one day a week.
Problem, is, I feel like I'm going to be forcing myself to leave the house, just for the sake of getting some 'me' time. Because that doesn't work at home. Due to all the stuff people have mentioned before. The lurking, the talking to himself, the offers of coffee, the need to move towards somewhere im obviously going, the need to tell me he's done something ( maybe he wants a medal ?). I used to think I'd do arts and crafts more, when retired. But there's a blockage. I think because in the past, when I try to get in the zone and concentrate, and if he's around, he'll 'appear' .....which is very frustrating.

Ps he isn't nasty, but definitely not good at reading people's emotions. And too easy to feel abandoned?

To the point I'm finding myself disassociating. Just like I had to when I was young. That was a trauma response, but it's like going back to a familiar space, when there's nowhere else to hide ?
I need to stop that. It's going to affect our relationship. Sigh.

Thank goodness I found this thread.

It looks like there are a few variations on the same theme I.e. some men help at home, others don't, sometimes kids factor too, sometimes they don't...
A friend recently told me she stopped reading as much because her husband didn't sit still in the house, so she felt she needed to be productive too. Either way, we're talking about allowing one person's energy and rhythms to dominate our own.

The "on call" comment resonated. And, the agony of being distracted. I like my DH when we're spending intentional quality time together. But my brain hates being interrupted when I'm trying to do something.

I think for me the weirdest thing is he was way more active and independent when we met.

This thread has made me feel less guilty about getting so irritated. And realise I've got to get a handle on this now! I think I'm going to mentally allocate one weekend day to being avajlable for connection - suggest we do something that day, and not attempt to get anything substantial done so I'm not feeling frustrated - its the inbetween state that kills me. But the other day, I'm going to the spare room and just cracking on with my stuff.

Thank you OP! I hope you've found more balance one year on!

personally I think @AnneLarsen has made a key point - if he’s sitting around faffing, why should I be running about doing stuff??

Another factor could be being an introvert. I HATE spending all my time with someone, need time by myself. I often find on holiday that I blow up at some point because I haven’t had a second for myself for days. DH feels no compunction about going for a run or swimming by himself but I do - it’s our holiday we should be together, then we’re too together and I lose it. SIGH.