In a state of inertia when DH around

[Stagnationstation]

Does anyone else experience this? I get on with lots of stuff when I’m on my own but when someone is around I just seem to stagnate. Can’t get motivated. As soon as they are gone I can get on with stuff again. This is proving to be difficult since DH retired. He’s just there all the time. He’s great around the house and it makes me feel even more lazy. When he’s not around I get on with DIY, gardening, hobbies, all sorts but I just can’t seem to get motivated when he’s there. I do like my own space so am wondering where this is going now that we are both retired.

Just found this thread and wow, everything hits. I used to get so lazy with my ex, he was just like most of what you describe.
I'd actually breathe a sigh of relief and turn the tv off the second he walked out the door (the very few times he ever did go out without me).

I think some of it definitely comes down to not wanting to be disturbed, but knowing we will be, so we just don't bother in the first place

I am so glad this isn't just me!

I work part time and deal with most of the kids/house stuff. But since COVID, DH is not only working from home full time, but has moved his desk into a room that is right in the centre of the downstairs. He can see into whichever room I'm in, and can hear what I'm doing. I don't think he cares what I'm doing but I feel so watched and on edge that I find myself doing nothing.

On the weekends he often spends a lot of time on the computer, in that same spot. It really inexplicably annoys me, which feels unfair to him... I just spend so much time sitting on the bed staring at my phone when he's about.

He's been away for a few days this week and I've been so relaxed, and the house is noticeably cleaner - I tend to blast music and sing/dance while doing housework, and then the cleaning is quite fun. I can't do that when he's WFH. It feels like the whole house is his workplace. I also feel I can't watch TV, or do yoga in the living room...

I don't think he gets the same thing. If I go away/out much he still does the same things in the house. And then says he's bored or lonely.

I’m already filling my diary for next week. I find It’s not so bad if I’ve been out during the day then being in at night is bearable.
I am going to consciously and actively do much more stuff. He has said that he likes sitting watching the telly so he’s welcome to it.

I don't think anyone except the,DHs think that though.
I don't want mine to think I'm there to entertain him, answer any question he thinks of etc
That's why we are pushing back!

Argh. Why does he have to tell me every little thing he’s done. ‘I’ve put this box here’, ‘I’ve changed the bed’. Why? I don’t fecking care. Just do it, like I do without having to fucking broadcast it for likes.

And telling me he’s going such and such a place in 10, 15 maybe 20 minutes. ‘I’m going out shortly’ will suffice. I’m not doing a fucking time and motion survey on you! Arghhhhhhhh! Just go out and leave me in peace.

My DH tells me every time he's done a household chore, I usually give him a round of applause ( with a lashing of sarcasm).
Also the time thing. If we are going out anywhere it's 'shall we go at 10?'
Me ' we could just go when we are ready?'

Ahhh, the resurrection of my favourite cathartic thread. I went for a day out with DD yesterday while DP stayed home with the baby. All day I got reports! Like an annoying cat sitter who insists on sending you pointless updates! “He’s had his morning nap, now we’re playing.” “The cleaner’s here, I’m making lunch.” “He’s eaten plenty of lunch, I’ll play with him for a bit before trying for his nap.” “He’s woken halfway through his nap, I’ll try to resettle him.” Had my phone muted at this point but still had the urge to cup my hands to my mouth like a megaphone and bellow I DON’T CARE

Ah my people! I needed to resurrect this for my own sanity. Sometimes I feel like some real life Alexa where they park stuff in my brain thinking the responsibility of knowing where a fucking box is becomes solely down to me. It’s not even my fucking box, it’s DS’s.
I fear I may be on here frequently over the festive period

@pelargoniums though I laughed as I can totally relate, I also bristled with the annoyance of your pain

Argh again. I’m hiding in bathroom trying to respond to messages re ailing mother and he knocks on door to tell me he’s back. Will be heading out shortly for some peace.

I feel your pain, let it all out.

I love how women(not all but most) analyse their behaviour and wonder/think deeper about themselves and their own habits. Not only that but then share and support others. Investigate and relate to others. I rarely see men do this and usually only prompted by a women or a life changing event.

Aren't women just wonderful. How we aren't in charge of everything boggles my mind.

Indeed men have had long enough being in charge of everything, I’d give them a C+.

It’s time women had a go.

Too right!

I'm exactly the same.
My DH was away with work last week and the house was tidy, clean and all my jobs were done. He's back this week and we are in the usual chaos.

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS THREAD, thanks for bringing it back for the Christmas holidays- it may save lives!

I love how it started "I notice I'm a crap version of myself around my husband" and has transformed to many, many bits of evidence showing us exactly WHY THAT IS.

Excuse the capitals, I'm just happy to see you all. My partner is ill just now. I am not going to elaborate cause it will make me feel stabby but I'm sure you can imagine.

I'm like this too. I'm productive when alone. When someone's around I taper off.

I'm also pleased that this thread has been reawakened. It's good to feel I'm not the only one having to battle against an atmosphere of inertia.

DH works from home, I don't. I am so rarely home alone that when I am, I suffer from inertia!

Today I have had a text to ask have we got some coffee machine cleaner/descaler and where is it - I don't drink coffee and don't use or clean the machine.

Once I was in a different country and he was home and he text me to ask if we had any AA batteries.

Glad to see the thread back, I posted early on, but all the different (but same ) responses have made me think about this.

Male entitlement - if I came home from shopping with bags and the front door was locked, I’d get my keys and open it. When my ex similarly came back, because his hands were full (and the ability to put a bag on the ground and use the keys that 30 seconds ago he had locked the car with, had deserted him) he would knock on the door for me to open it. And get cross if I didn’t jump to it.

Anyway we are now separated and I rent on my own (and yes it is bliss). I was looking for a cheesy saying to inspire me, and I think this is the one you all need to see.

I NEED TO BECOME THE MAIN CHARACTER IN MY OWN LIFE.

The whys and wherefore of why we are like this can be many, but this is where we have ended up. My husband took up so much of my head space even when he wasn’t around, that his physical presence as well just seemed to stop me in my tracks.

Needless to say I was out of sight, out of mind.

So be the main character in your internal narrative!

I NEED TO BECOME THE MAIN CHARACTER IN MY OWN LIFE.

Nailed it. Thankyou

@Isheabastard that’s so relatable. The shopping, the “never being quick enough when he yells” but also if I ever yelled for anything from another room I was “disrespectful” so I learned to not ask for help with anything ever and just manage it on my own.

I’ve lived alone for a year and it’s pure bliss. After 20+ years worth of being an interchangeable extra, I’m the main character in my life now and it’s glorious!

@Isheabastard

Glad to see the thread back, I posted early on, but all the different (but same ) responses have made me think about this.

Male entitlement - if I came home from shopping with bags and the front door was locked, I’d get my keys and open it. When my ex similarly came back, because his hands were full (and the ability to put a bag on the ground and use the keys that 30 seconds ago he had locked the car with, had deserted him) he would knock on the door for me to open it. And get cross if I didn’t jump to it.

My partner does this. Recently he was doing an online form on the GPs website, on his PORTABLE iPad, and there was a question about his appearance. Instead of getting up and going to look in a mirror, or coming to find me in another room to get my help, he shouted numerous times for me to go to him and got annoyed when I initially didn't hear him then was finishing what I was doing. Such constant small acts of entitlement.

I e been thinking about this thread since it started up. So great to be able to discuss this.

My reflections recently...I get up and start to get on with things..I get (from behind the laptop/phone screen'
'I already did that' (wiping kitchen sides. If you did, you did it really badly, or you're remembering doing it yesterday)
'What are you upto?' (Getting the place in order. As I've done daily since youve known me')
'Leave it, I'll do it later' (because I exhaled heavily at the state of the plug catcher thing in the sink gunked up)

So these micro-conversations might not seem much but it's unnecessary and wasted energy- so much easier and quicker to get on without being interrupted or thinking about answering inane questions .

@BrightBaubles yes the micro conversations.
i can be washing a pan Ann DH will come in and say just leave it. Thinks it’s helpful but I’m already almost finished and there’s an underlying insinuation that I won’t do it right (I always do, cleaner than him).