Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

And you really want to spend your life with someone who talks to you like that?! Someone who is so very abusive and vile towards someone he is planning to marry?

As you can see from the reply above, a decent man would look after you and help support your through those bad days.
Your partner is making it all about him, and predominantly his lack of sex. And then changes the narrative and makes you out to be crazy.

Imagine how he’s going to up his tactics when you are legally his wife….
Think yourself very lucky you have an escape route.
Please talk to your sister, your BF anyone and everyone who will listen to you. If someone can come over to be with you even better. Get a locksmith out now and change all your locks. Pack his stuff and tell him you want him to move out as you don’t think you are suited.
You can do this!

Have the cake.

Hell, have the reception too! A party to celebrate your freedom.

Spend the time having fun with people who actually care about you

Have the cake, just don’t have the wedding!

please keep re-reading all your posts and show your sister this thread

It's kind of like I am on the beach and my head goes under the water, I panic and start flailing because I think I am drowning.

This is your subconscious telling you to get out. It is your internal survival instinct. Listen to it. Cancel the wedding and if he calls the venue back up then literally don't turn up on the day. He cannot force you physically so don't leave the house, switch off your phone and don't answer the door.

Once you have cancelled the wedding you need to end the relationship. He is abusing you. Even abusive people are nice sometimes otherwise you would never stay. Good luck

You've had some really good advice here, I really hope you take it on board.
Cancel the wedding today, tell you sister everything and ask her to help cancel all the small things... flowers etc...

Best of luck for your future 💐

@Itsnotchristmasyet

In this scenario, I wouldn’t end the relationship.

Are you COMPLETELY CRAZY? That's exactly what she must do! She sounds like she's wavering and doubtful as it is (I'm scared she'll buckle) and the last thing she needs is mischievous sabotage like you have just posted.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.
This is one of the scariest threads I've read on here. Please go to the police and ask them to check his background using Clare's Law.

I know it probably doesn't feel like ot now but the strength you will feel from exrciating yourself from this will be so powerful.

You'll feel like you can take on the world.

That's why I'd still have the party tbh.

Celebrate the first day of the rest of your life.

Oh love, your family will you thrilled you left this horrible situationship. 💐

The longer you leave it,,the harder it will get.
I dare say it’s like a wedding roller-coaster - the higher it gets, the harder it is to get off. I dare say quite a few people go through with it when their heart is telling them not to, but they can’t face all the hassle/family disappointment once the rollercoaster has started.
If you know deep down that your instincts are saying NO! - then please pluck up your courage and do it. Hard though I know it’ll be.

Just to chime in, you've had some good advice here and sound like you know what to do.

I have PMDD. I know the drowning experience you mention. However, he sounds like a cunt. Please get out as you deserve so much better than this man. I hope you don't go through with the wedding. His behaviour is SO awful.

If you know he said something and he now denies it that is the biggest red flag there it.

OP, you know what you need to do, you need to put yourself first and leave this rapist-in-the-making.

Jesus fucking Christ!!! What have I just read??? Get this horrible, horrible man out of your life. Time to dust off your backbone and tell him its over. Just keep telling him its over until he get's it. Change your locks, give him all of his stuff. Think about how free you will feel. I can't imagine for one second why you would even consider marrying this sexually abusive monster.

In that scenario alone I meant.

Because obviously one off scenarios can be put down to other things etc but as I said the relationship needs to end because this isn’t just a one off.

I have posted at least 3 times saying she needs to end the relationship.

You are right thought, she doesn’t sound serious about ending the relationship and so it was irresponsible of me to post that.
I will try and get it removed.

This completely. Op your partner doesn't even sound like he likes you tbh. The bad thoughts and vile names are just him conditioning you for married life. Don't marry him. He's a scumbag.

You and your children deserve so much better.

I know it's all been said, too, but I want to add my vote: please don't take the disastrous step of marrying this awful abusive man.
It will only get worse.

I think every woman on this thread has said the same. Please imagine us all standing behind you, saying Nooooo and supporting you and cheering when you've stopped the wedding.

And yes, get the bloody cake!

I don't know if this helps, but I pulled out of my wedding with about three weeks to go. So I know what a big decision it is.

How I handled it:

1. I passed the guest list and contact details onto a trusted friend who contacted everyone on my behalf, telling them of the cancellation, and asking they give me space.
2. My mother contacted venues and cancelled things on my behalf.

That way I didn't have to do the grim leg work (all I had to do was curl up and lick my wounds) and he didn't get a say in it.

Not one single friend was critical. Even the ones that were mostly his friends. Those I drifted out of contact with (understandably). But everyone was supportive, sympathetic and understanding.

I am so so SO glad I made that decision. It would have been the easiest and the worst thing to go through with it.

Do you have an email for your therapist?

If so, email her a link to this thread and tell her you want to talk about this in your session tomorrow.

Same with your sister so she's clued in for tonight.

That way you won't wonder how to bring it up, and potentially not bring it up at all because you can't work out a way.

Please, OP, do not marry this bully.
Of course, just cancel everything - ask your sister and trusted friends to help .

I know in your shoes Id worry about the waste /cost, but wasting any more of your precious time on this terrible relationship woukd be much much worse than anythibg else. We only get one life, dont waste any of it on this guy out of fear of inconveniencing others. A low priority, but some of your friends might want to feel like theyre "doing something" so get them to contact any suppliers that cant refund, then have them send (eg) the flowers to a friend who can pass some bouquets to other friends too, if the drinks package is seperate, see if they'll allow collection of the (unopened!) wine youve paid for, or phone any local charities to see if they can make use of any part of your reception.

Cancelling a wedding is going to be much cheaper and less traumatic than marrying and divorcing the wrong oerson.

Please don't marry this person on Saturday. However nice he is during your supposed 'good weeks' he doesn't love you - nobody who loved you would put his sexual 'needs' above your own mental health. I too suspect your PMDD will disappear if this person is not in your life.

You are strong enough to be without him. 😘😘😘

Tell your sister everything, including the sexual coercion and the rape threats (because that is what he is doing when he says he 'has bad thoughts') as well as the verbal abuse he dishes out and his further controlling behaviour re accusing you of cheating because you're online, etc.

He is a sexual predator who gets off on humiliating and controlling you. Tell all of this to your sister and tell her how long it's been going on for.

With or without your sister's support, you MUST call off the wedding and you MUST end the relationship. The only 'psycho' in this relationship is him. He's a textbook abuser.

Start emailing venues and caterers now. You will have paid for the cake so ask them to deliver it to your house rather than the venue.
Enjoy it with your sister and kids. I'm convinced they will be thrilled you've made the right decision.
Then no contact with EX.

You're choosing the right path here, you really really are.

It just keeps coming back to me that he says every issue you have is down to "hell week". It can't be hell week every week.
Also to imply that he will possibly rape you if you don't consent is coercion ergo not consent.

Cancel the wedding. He is abusive.