Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

He is truly awful. As well as cancelling the wedding, please end the relationship.

I expect that your mental health will improve immeasurably without him abusing you constantly.

Maybe change the focus of your therapy sessions to focus on his behaviour towards you, help you end the relationship and to keep it finished. I imagine he will continue to abuse you and will try everything in the book to stop you ending the relationship ie anger, threats of suicide, stalking

I have to get on with some work but I honestly can't thank you all enough, I am going to get my sister round tonight, open a bottle and let it all out.

Just a thought though and I don't want to sound flippant but do you suppose I can at least get the cake if I cancel everything. I think spending a week in bed eating cake might help.

Postpone the wedding at the very least! Give yourself time to think and access what you want. As others have said it will be easier in the long run to postpone/cancel a wedding than go through a divorce. It sounds like you are financially independent and have your own home, don’t mess that up with a marriage that you don’t know if you want and on reading looks like you shouldn’t have. Your partner sounds awful.

Dear God, OP

You need to get rid of this horrible, horrible man.

Of course he is nice sometimes, he's got to keep you onside, constantly second guessing yourself. He can't be awful all of the time because you'd never question whether you need to ditch him, it would be obvious.

He's being nice just enough to stop you doing that. If you married him it would ramp up within hours.

Please don't marry him, and please get rid of him. Your mental health will improve immeasurably.

Ring up and remind them that you cancelled before. You are now confirming that again and to ignore any communication from your ex fiancé.

Send an email/letter repeating it.

You'll feel so much better - like a huge load has been taken off your back.

Congratulations on your new free life!

Abuser aren’t generally abusers all the time. Actually, most of the time they can be loving, gentle, seemingly normal human being and definitely show that side of themselves to the rest of the world. It would be easy to run away or never get involved in the first place if a monster looked like and behaved like a monster all the time. It doesn’t negate the fact though that this is abuse. The rape ‘fantasies’ or ‘bad thoughts’ won’t stay bad thoughts (it’s already pretty rapey tbh since you are coerced anyway) once you’re married and he feels more entitled. And what if you refuse? Will he not make you a sandwich or do you think will he punish you another way? You’ve got a lot of work to do sorting out why it’s comfortable being around abusive wankers, but first things first- get rid of this creep. I like the water analogy but the water is not your PMDD, it is him, he is the water that you’re drowning in. Stand up, walk away. You’re stronger than you think. 🤍

“So just don't play any more.
Tell him ONCE I am not marrying you on Saturday, I am cancelling the wedding. Then do it. Don't speak to him about it again.

Consider booking a last minute trip somewhere with your kids so you physically cannot attend the wedding venue.

Just get some headspace away from him for a bit, he's not giving you the room to think. You know what you need to do, you know he doesn't want you to do it so just don't talk to him about it.”

This, OP. It seems your sister is already supporting you in cancelling the wedding. It sounds to me like those who love you and have some idea of what’s going on already do not want you to marry this man. And you’ve not told them the whole truth. I imagine they’ve been watching your anxiety grow and you gradually fade away the longer you’re with him.

Just walk away. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. And work on your shark cage and getting his voice out of your head. A good partner doesn’t make us mistrust ourselves and our own beliefs and feelings. He’s cancelling you out of your own life.

You need a very short to do list
cancel wedding by phone
follow up by email to venue
tell partner
block partner
tell those close to you who you want to know
pack his bags and move him out
change locks or get keys bavk

you really dont need this shit in your life- but you have to accept it’s in your control and it’s your responsibility to do something about it

It can be your freedom cake. Share it with all the people who genuinely love and care about you, and will also want to celebrate the end of this terrible relationship. You don’t think any of them know about what’s going on. I can tell you, you are wrong. This sort of thing can’t be truly hidden. You’ll be surprised how many of them will be happy to tell you how much of an arsehole they always knew he was!

Enjoy your cake with a bottle of fizz @WhereAreMyRunningShoes , celebrate your freedom and the start of a new way of living. xxx

He will get even worse if you are foolish enough to marry him.

Your children will be living in a house where their mother is routinely being sexually and emotionally abused. You can’t possibly think that is an acceptable life for them or for you.

Dump him. Send anything of his that’s at your house then block him. Cancel the wedding, explaining that he might try to rebook but you won’t be turning up or paying for anything - put it in writing.

Do not marry him
He is controlling. He just wants you to do as he says and doesn't allow you any feeling of your own by putting everything you feel down to a condition that only really affects a few days out of the month ( I also have it.)

To your friends and family you say he is controlling and jealous and tries to coerce you into sex. If they don't get it, you can mention that those relationships often lead to the woman being kept away from/divided from her own family and its lucky you got out before that happened.

Please get away from this horrible, using, selfish creep op.

Op, please ring round the caterer, florist, venue etc and cancel right now. Then email or text your sister and tell her the wedding is off and ask if she is able to start telling people. You can tell her you will explain to her when you see her this evening.

Then you message the waste of space and tell him you have cancelled the wedding and have let guests know. If he contacts the venue again to uncancel that is his look out. You won't be there, nor all your guests.

Change the locks, dump his stuff outside and block him.

Sending hugs.

Yes to the cake!!

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes Of course you can have the cake OP. Bin this abusive man and you'll have earned it. Cake pics would be great if you feel able. I imagine it with a glass of Prosecco or whatever you fancy.

I suspect that anyone who truly cares for you will be cheering you on into a whole new life when you say you've left him and cancelled the wedding.

This

Fucking hell you have a low bar for relationships. "Obviously right on wrong on both sides?" People with opinions like yours are really dangerous for women in the OP's position.

OP don't listen to this drivel. He's a gaslighting, emotionally abusive sex pest. Get rid of him for good. You sound very fragile and he probably targeted you.

Have you ended the relationship yet?

If possible I’d put your work on hold and sort this all out first.

End it with him now and then with your sisters help cancel the wedding venue etc and contact friends and family.

The longer you leave it, the more you’ll end up doing it because you don’t want to let people down last minute.

If you wanted to cancel a month ago and still do, then you know it’s not just a temporary wobble.

Ring him up now and tell him it’s over and the wedding is off.

This!

Just fit in getting the cake and then leave for the weekend somewhere if you can.

Omg OP, this is one of the worst things I have seen on here. Cancel the wedding!!!! Get rid of this man from your life! As @ForfarFourEastFifeFive says, I bet all your friends and family will be overjoyed to see you escape from this awful person. And even if they don't know what's been going on, they will know that for you to call off the wedding there must be a very good reason why, and they will support you 100%. Honestly @WhereAreMyRunningShoes this is the first day of the rest of your life away from this loser. We are all with you

Take the day off and close this off now.

Great idea!

OP it's all been said, but: dump the man, keep the cake. All the best.

Yes to cake! Yes to protecting your children and modelling happy non-abusive relationships (well done for holding onto your ha tenancy). No to this terrible man. Hugs to you OP.