Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

So why are you with him?

And why did you agree to marry him?

Some people are stuck in unhappy relationships because they have nowhere else to live.

But you don’t even live together, so what’s the point of this?

Call him now and tell him it’s over.

Then write a message explaining that the wedding has been called off and copy and paste it and send it to everyone on the guest list.

Just get it over and done with now and by lunchtime you will be officially single and free to do whatever you want with your life.

No need to be so explicit. If you have to say anything let it be that you are not happy with him and no longer want to get married.

Your username is telling you what to do; get those running shoes out.

This is probably one of the most deeply unpleasant sounding relationships I've ever heard described on here. How have you lasted this long? Run and absolute mile and do not look back. Do not tie yourself to this selfish loser.

If you're thinking of marrying having already reassured yourself that you can divorce whenever and that's why you're going ahead, don't do it.

He is effectively telling you that if you don't let him have coerced sex with you, he might violently rape you. This is so hair raising OP.

A lot of therapists are more directive nowadays than therapists were years ago. Tell her about the sexual stuff and implied threats. At the very least she will tell you you shouldn't put up with this behaviour. But you know this is him- everyone who follows this forum knows that if abusers stop for a bit so as to try and get their victim to stick around, they almost always go back to being abusive. He's been like this for a long time.

You don't take recommended/suggested medical treatment because it might stop you being as able to put up with the 'sex.' But sooner or later something will get in the way in life and you'll have times of finding this 'anti-sex' (rape) harder.

Please dump and block him ASAP OP. Honestly you'll feel so much better not having this stress and horror in your life.

Dear God no, do not marry this man.

Fucking hell, get rid of this sexually abusive man.

Oh. My. God.

Do you realise how really shocking this is to an outside person to read? He is deliberately and overtly threatening you. "Submit to sex with me or I'll violently rape you." He is deliberately acting out an escalation and loss of control.

He is ignoring your lack of consent. There is a name for that.

I would really hope anyone I knew in real life would cancel their wedding rather than go through with it out of embarrassment or worry about gossip. Please please don't discuss this with him just stop it all now get a friend or family member to help you .Tell them the truth take a deep breath and save yourself so much unhappiness and abuse

Those asking - he isn't always horrible, he can be the sweetest, most loving and thoughtful guy. We have the same hobbies and he cooks for me and makes my lunch.

He's not all bad, of course not because it would have been very clear cut to say no to getting married if he was.

If he had said - Sorry, I was an absolute jerk, no one ever gets more sex by sulking, it won't happen again. I would have felt a lot better about it. The fact he is blatantly refusing to accept he behaved badly is driving me insane. He just keeps saying - look at the dates, this was inevitable. Go and meditate or have a diazepam until you calm down.

and the more angry I get that he is lying and and the more I tell him I don't want to get married the more I am playing into his narrative. It's just crazy week, look how crazy you are being.

I am working hard at staying in my window of tolerance and riding the wave urge and all the tools my therapist has taught me to stay in my wise mind but gosh it's hard. I just want to scream and smash my head into a wall. (I haven't)

Do not marry this rapist.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Take a moment to look at this image and let all the ways he is abusing you sink in.
Tell your sister, and any other friends or relatives you trust EVERYTHING.
Get one of your friends or relatives to support you with calling to cancel the wedding.
Ring women’s aid or a more local domestic abuse charity and ask for one to one support.
Go online and pay to do the freedom programme online (it’s not too expensive).
TRUST YOUR GUT. You know this isn’t right and you’ve known for a long time. Don’t let his manipulation and gas lighting be effective in tricking you in to thinking this is a you problem. It is not and you know it. TRUST YOUR GUT.

I know that the above is scary but you deserve a life of peace free from abuse.

I didn't want to give up my children's secure stable home incase it did't work out so we were planning to buy together after the wedding

That's such a sensible decision. You were thinking all the right things at this point. Don't mess it up now. Don't get married. Don't give up your secure HA tenancy. Don't move your kids in with this man. Please.

and the more angry I get that he is lying and and the more I tell him I don't want to get married the more I am playing into his narrative. It's just crazy week, look how crazy you are being.

So just don't play any more.
Tell him ONCE I am not marrying you on Saturday, I am cancelling the wedding. Then do it. Don't speak to him about it again.

Consider booking a last minute trip somewhere with your kids so you physically cannot attend the wedding venue.

Just get some headspace away from him for a bit, he's not giving you the room to think. You know what you need to do, you know he doesn't want you to do it so just don't talk to him about it.

He's not struggling OP, he's making a choice to scare the shit out of you in order to coerce you into having sex.

I'm a man, and I have a way higher sex drive than my partner, so a lot of the time I'm being turned down. And do you know what I do? I say "OK" and we watch TV together or have a cuddle and go to sleep or get on with our day, with no moodiness on my part.

Because who wants to have sex with someone who isn't into it? I want to have sex with my partner knowing that she wants to have sex with me, that she's not doing it out of guilt, or duty, or because she's scared of what will happen if she doesn't.

Please listen to all of the wise women on this thread. Your future husband is dangerous, scary, and a negative force in your life. Please tell your family what's going on, hell, show them this thread if you have to. And then let them help you get away from this man.

For Christ's sake DO NOT MARRY HIM!!! It will cause all kinds of horrendous issues and he sounds like a real abuser. You will be completely trapped and it will take years to get rid of him.

If someone kept me awake all night and treated me like that they would be dumped the following day.

He sounds awful. If it helps to have yet another person saying it:

GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT.

He is already coercing you into sex with implied threats of what he might do if you don’t ‘consent’ (which isn’t consent at all). I strongly suspect that after the wedding when you are financially committed to him, he is going to become physically abusive and probably move to forcible rape as well.

And your sister saying “ you don’t have to stay married” is not a good plan. I took ages to be able to escape with a baby and a toddler. It was a horrid time and took years because I was scared by his threats of what he would do if I tried to leave.
Why does he want to get married?

A friend has a pension and her STBXH doesn’t. They had a relatively short marriage. Her pension isn’t even that much.

he is going after half her pension and has transferred his property to his brothers name. She is currently having a hell of a job proving this, it’s costing a lot of money (for her) and she will come out of the marriage way poorer and in debt than when she went in. He’s self representing and she’s crazy apparently.

You’ve had some good advice in here already.

I will just say - he sounds horrendous!! Oh my god. What is this constant pestering for sex? We have gone weeks without when I have been too ill, and my OH would not pester me like this.

go back and re read this - he jerks his head to get the bad thoughts out? What the fuck, he is threatening you, saying he may not be able to control himself and if he snaps he will rape you. Because that’s what it is! ‘Forcing you’ is just a euphemism.

Please please don’t marry him. Leave him, and you will in time regain your sense of self.

And tell them No matter what he says The wedding is not going a head.He had no damn right speaking for you.
. I've never been married or engaged but I imagine some pre Wedding nerves are totally normal. However nerves are one thing you're gut telling you that it's very bad idea is very much another.

Run for the hills! This sounds appalling. Two days? What would happen if you had meno problems which meant you physically couldn't have sex for weeks or months? Really, this isn't fair or tenable.

Also I CANNOT BELIEVE he called up and uncancelled the wedding!! Well, I can because he sounds vile and horrendous, but really, I mean. What does that tell you? He wants to marry you whether you want to marry him or not.
please please leave.

It's not your pmdd. He's horrible and it will only get worse once you are married. This is the best time to end this relationship. Before you have got married. Before you have moved in together. Before you've made major changes to your or your kids' lives. And not wanting to have sex for whatever reason is not revolting behaviour. It's revolting to pester you for it or make you feel bad about it.

Absolutely agree. Menopause for me was helped by having a kind, loving, considerate and undemanding thoroughly nice husband.
Which you won’t have