Don't think I can go through with Wedding

[WhereAreMyRunningShoes]

I get this Saturday. I have been having doubts for a long time but because I have PMDD it is hard to see things clearly.

My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week.

Anyway that's just some context on why I have let this drag on to this point.

But the wedding is racing closer and I don't know if I can do it. I had to take a diazepam last night things were making me so anxious.

Basically I was unwell on Friday so we didn't have sex. Then on Saturday I didn't really feel like it because he had been snappy all day. He even mentioned himself he had been agitated, that point is absolutely denied now though.

SO I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't''t get any sleep. so we got started and he said I wasn't kissing him back enough and rolled away from me. I start to go to sleep and he comes back over to try again. (This is what I mean by not getting any sleep, this can potentially go on for hours with him "trying to stop himself, or having bad thoughts") so I try again but I still wasn't enthusiastic enough and he starts complaining I never want sex. I had enough so this time I said no and meant it and went to sleep ignoring him.

The next day he wakes up in a foul mood, ignores me when I tried to cuddle him, grunted at me when I said good morning and told me how mad he is about last night.

On and on the mood went - so I said - just go home and have a wank I can't bear this.

So he starts taking all of his things. I ask what aren't you staying tonight? To which he replies - I would rather stay home and wank then risk a third night of no sex.

Gosh sorry this is long!

Anyway we have been arguing since, he is saying it's all my PMDD and me wanting to call off the wedding is a typical over reaction. He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did.

He blocked me on whatsapp and now to add insult to injury he is saying I am talking to someone else because I have been online a lot.

I presume he means facebook because if I don't close down the tab it stays online which he knows because he has accused me of this before.

All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it.

Just in case you're worried about cancelling the wedding and disappointing people... PLEASE DON'T! Your friends and family will be much happier to know you didn't marry the gaslighting sex pest.

Cancel the wedding now. It will be difficult etc but way easier now than a divorce will be later. There is nothing in your posts to suggest that you would be making a mistake by calling it off and getting rid of this man.

Agree with everyone saying cancel.

My mum is married to a coercive controller. He kept mithering her to marry for a number of years. She didn't want to but he emotionally blackmailed her.

She is now 75 and I am not exaggerating - it has ruined a very large chunk of her life and her relationships with her children and grandchildren. A social worker recently asked her 'You do know this is an abusive relationship?' She's stuck with him, as he is now old and disabled and has a 50 % share of her house. Her house that she paid for.

He talks to her like crap every day and she is now his carer. He is a spiteful and angry man and she waits on him hand and foot. It has been like watching a slow train crash over many years.

I remember her showing me the engagement ring and my heart sinking into my boots. That was 22 years ago.

She herself has said;

'It was the worst day's work I ever did, marrying that man.'

Please @WhereAreMyRunningShoes please, don't let this happen to you.

Oh gosh OP please cancel the wedding. Do not tie yourself to this man

"I have been having doubts for a long time "

That is a good enough reason not to get married.

"My DP puts every issue down to PMDD - he first tried to convince me I have BPD but I have started therapy and they have said no way. The thing is any issue I have, he says it's just hell week."

"He denies saying about staying home to wank. He DID say it. I know he did and he knows he did."

He is a gaslighting emotionally abusive twat. No wonder your head's all over the place. He should be supportive when you are ill, but instead he is playing mind games with you.

That is a good enough reason not to get married.

"I didn't really want to but I knew if I said no again then he would be a nightmare and I wouldn't get any sleep. "

He is sexually abusive. You are entitled to say no and he should accept it, not force you into doing something you don't want to do.

That is a good enough reason not to get married.

"All our friends and family are so excited, they have gone to a lot of expense and effort for our wedding but I feel sick at the thought of it."

If you told them exactly what you have told us on here they would be horrified and help you. They wouldn't want you to marry this abusive arsehole however much money they've spent. Ring your sister. Ring your best friend. Ring whoever you think will support you and help you with all the cancellations. Cancel the wedding and dump him.

"I had a thread about him about year ago and I will never forget the consensus was to leave him and I wish I had listened. "

And on this thread the consensus is do not marry him. If you do he will just get worse.

LISTEN NOW. IT IS NOT TOO LATE. CANCEL THE WEDDING AND DUMP HIM.

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

Abusers are often like this OP. Then behind closed doors, they're awful.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes - I am sending you huge virtual hugs. It must be so hard. But I agree with everyone else, that you should not Marry him.

As a PP said - send your sister a link to this post and ask her to come over as soon as she can. This should help you to get started talking and explaining things to her. Lots of Red Flags are coming up in your post, but the fact that you haven't wanted to paint him in a bad light - I think I am going to talk to my sister, I don't tell anyone our problems because I don't want to make him look bad if its just me being irrational - is a huge one. You suffer from a problem and he is completely horrible about it

I hope you can find the strength to call off the wedding. I really, really do. It'll be hard - but less hard than what will happen if you go ahead with the wedding

Just adding my voice to the chorus saying to please cancel. Honestly, it sounds like it’s 100% worth losing any money you lose here. True friends and decent family will understand. You need to get out of this situation, not hand him even more control! A divorce will be FAR harder than cancelling now and drawing a line under it. The sooner you start taking control of the situation, the better you’ll feel.

Sorry so he’s storming off because he can’t handle three nights of no sex???
why don’t you find this totally abnormal and not acceptable! Definitely do not marry him. He is being emotionally abusive which imo is borderline physically abusive if he’s forcing you to have sex when you don’t want to. Absolutely don’t marry him and please tell a friend or relative how he is treating you. This is abusive. Sending you a hug x

Don't marry this man.

Sadly, my whole family adore him and think he's amazing.

People say all the time we are the cutest couple they know, relationship goals, how great he is with the kids.

Only because they're not living your reality...

Of course they are going to say this because you’re in love with him and getting married to him.

Obviously, they don’t know the extent of his behaviour else they would tell you to run for the hills but I can guarantee that once you start telling people it’s over, they will slowly start admitting that they didn’t like him very much.

OP I can’t help feel that you are stalling.

Of course this is a big decision but you made up your mind a month ago and you still haven’t cancelled the wedding.

You do not need a therapist to tell you what to do.
They wouldn’t anyway.

You cannot start your new life by having someone else make your decisions for you, or even clarifying your decision.

You need to find the strength to make the decision and tell him yourself.
And then stick to it.

You will never be in a happy relationship until you start being strong and finding your own voice.

Quite.

I’m sure OPs family would change their minds sharpish if they new he was an abusive sex pest.

Us Mumsnetters have heard the whole story, and we are unanimously shouting CANCEL THE WEDDING!

I read your other thread.
18months ago you thought you had an "unwritten rule" of sex a minimum every other night or he might cheat
Now he is insisting on it every other night or he has "bad thoughts" and keeps you awake hassling for it

How much worse could this get over the next 18 months? Its a hairs breadth from violent rape as it is

So many red flags 🚩 you poor thing he sounds like a manipulative controlling piece is shit. You deserve someone that cherishes you and this person is not it.

Please cancel the wedding, it’ll be so much harder to leave the longer you stay with him.

Please, please, please don't marry this man! 😭Spending lots of hugs and strength xxxx

It doesn’t matter how hard it might seem now to cancel the wedding, you will get through it and things will get better once he’s out of your life.

If you marry him on the other hand your life will only get worse. He is incredibly abusive.

If you were my friend I’d be delighted if you cancelled the wedding.

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes

She always reassures me that people will not care if I cancel the wedding, she also reassures me that even if I get married it doesn't have to be forever.

Kinda sounds to me as if your DSis already knows you shouldn't be marrying this man. And I agree with her, people won't care if you cancel. They'll actually be relieved that you had the courage to NOT make a mistake that could ruin your happiness and that of your children.

I wish I'd had that courage decades ago with my exH. As I was walking down the aisle my mind was screaming "Turn around and run!!!". As the minister asked me "Do you take this man?" my mind was screaming "NO!". Luckily I was young and there were no DC, but I wasted 5 years of my life and wrecked my self esteem in the process. Don't make my mistake. It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

If you were my sister and you told
Me you wanted to call it off, I would spring into action and sort it. I wouldn’t even need to hear the reason. Let her take care of it for you.
He’s a vile and controlling man, and you need him out of your, and your children’s lives.

If it makes you feel any better we all flew out to Oz for a family wedding only to have it called off the day before! Most of us thought the same thing - better to have realised BEFORE the wedding than afterwards that it was a big mistake. I still think of the bravery of the couple who did that.

Do not marry him

Cancel.
It’s a no brainier.
I don’t know what PMDD is but don’t marry this man.
Divorce is expensive and traumatic.

I know them both. I don’t think it’s your wedding, but even if it was I’d 100% want you to stay strong and follow through with the plan you’ve layed out here. You can do this.

You deserve so much more, and it’s out there for you. X

Agreed- of course the family love him, because he puts on an act to make it even harder for you to leave him. Invite your sister round and show her this thread. You don't need to even say any more once she has read it. Your family want the best for you. It's your life and you're not obliged to go through with the wedding and hold a party, just because you invited people. Don't listen to his threats about how bad your life would be if you didn't marry him. There is nothing you need from him and you are worth so much more. When I left my husband, who I believe was emotionally abusive, he told me I'd struggle to hold a relationship down/ would lose my looks and be left with nothing/ would not be able to afford to live. F#ck him, because I'm doing just fine and am in an amazing relationship with a man who sometimes makes me cry because he is so kind (and hot, younger, funnier.....)

Please don’t marry him and try to confide in your family today.