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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:

Toooldtoworry · 30/10/2023 05:36

HoppingPavlova · 30/10/2023 04:50

I don’t see the issue. If you want them to stay for a day, 3 days, a week, or a month, why does he get to veto it?

although, I will say I never get this mentality on Mumsnet:
I think with a 7 hour journey each way, a 4 or even 5 day stay would be ok

My in-laws lived a 6hr drive from us. We only ever visited them for the day. We just set off really early, up 4am, get kids from bed to car and set off at 4.30am. Chuck over some drinks and snacks on way. Arrive 10.30am, greet, cup of tea, get kids dressed, have lunch, leave at 3.30pm and home 9.30pm. Do it on a Saturday so if kids tired and ratty, have Sunday to all chill and reset. How it requires a 5 day stay due to the length of drive is beyond me.

And how old were you when you were doing it, because as you get older you get tired easily and may well need somewhere to sleep instead of doing a 14 hour round trip.

Toooldtoworry · 30/10/2023 05:36

ElleCapitaine · 30/10/2023 03:55

“Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).”

sounds like a win/win. Ask if he could make it two weeks or even a month.

Or permanently!

MsDogLady · 30/10/2023 05:37

@Martacus, this is one more example of his abuse.

I’m not surprised that this horrid man is treating your parents with contempt. He emotionally and financially abuses you, and now he’s
being mean-spirited about your lovely family who have been hugely generous to you both.

He frequently shouts at you. He wanted you to commit to buying the house, and gladly accepted your family money to help with it, but refused to show you his bank statement so you’d be informed about the amount of his salary and savings.

Tell the controlling bully that your parents ARE staying Thursday-Monday, and don’t back down when he tries to dominate. Then follow through on the exit plan you’ve been considering for a while now. Access IC to strengthen your resolve and gain support and clarity.

Don’t you deserve better than a life being ground down by his mistreatment?

Alohapotato · 30/10/2023 05:52

Your partner sounds controlling and abusive, also he should be grateful your parents allow him to stay a year rent free at their home so he ( and you) could save money for tge home you are both enjoying. Did your partner forgot that?

Your parents should be allow to visit at least a week.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 30/10/2023 05:59

I was going to say you are in a partnership so take his feelings on board.

But this guy sounds like a complete wanker.

Leaving the house for 7 days lolol you should say make sure you do it over the weekend and then let your parents stay the 7 days.

Guys pathetic would have thought twice about marrying after he confronted your dad

Dery · 30/10/2023 06:13

“As a pp mentioned your other threads, I had a look too. I think you know that you need to leave him. He's not a nice man. Let him leave for 7 days and have a good chat with your parents and make a plan to leave. No dc involved is fantastic. You will be ok.”

This - the whole confronting over the wedding thing rang bells. If you’re posting once about a relationship, that’s not brilliant but posting more than once tells you this relationship is wrong. This man has abusive tendencies. You’re best off planning to get away.

StillFanta · 30/10/2023 06:15

Eh! Such strange behaviour from Him, do they not get on OP? Let him leave the House, wouldn't it be lovely to have your Parents to yourself anyway He's just trying to scare you into them coming for a shorter time! You can't count the Thursday as a day, they'll be exhausted after the long drive and probably got to bed early anyway! Hope you work it out OP, sorry your DH is being an unreasonable arse

Hibiscrubbed · 30/10/2023 06:21

Your husband is vile. He’s controlling and manipulative. Emailing you with venue suggestions is not particularly interfering. Your H sounds like a real piece of work.

Who engineered the move seven hours away from your support network, out of interest @Martacus?

MiniCooperLover · 30/10/2023 06:31

If you cave to this you are opening the door to much more controlling behaviour. Whose choice was it to move so far away ??

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/10/2023 06:34

Since no one else has said it I will: make sure you are on VERY reliable contraception. Do not have a child with this man now /in the near future.

Agree with this.
Even if he doesn't leave the house and just hangs around like a poisonous fart.
take the leadmake plans for you and parents only and leave him at home. tell him what is happening across the weekend and leave him at home to do his thing. Ideally get something needing tickets and don't get him any.
If he suggests joining you say no you want alone time and know his position. If it's Infront of your parents say he's not been feeling well /has work so it's best to give him space.

Have dinner together maybe a brunch /breakfast.

Make your plan to leave

Totaldick · 30/10/2023 06:43

He's embarrassed but his ego is too big to admit it. He lived in their property rent free for a year and he took money from them to fund his current home. He's acting like a bratty man child. Pack him away for the weekend and you enjoy every moment with your parents. They are not with us long enough. You can deal with him later.

HoppingPavlova · 30/10/2023 06:47

And how old were you when you were doing it, because as you get older you get tired easily and may well need somewhere to sleep instead of doing a 14 hour round trip

Eh? We were in our 30’s through 50’s when we did this. We obviously didn’t expect someone in 60’s through 80’s to do it🙄. However, there was the odd time when they came to ours, example wanting to attend child’s birthday party or someone’s milestone. Then one of us would go get them. That added 1hr to trip for break in middle both ways as we didn’t swap drivers as would if both went. They would stay overnight, have function next day and then one of us would do round trip to drop them back and wear the really late night. Was doable, but of course we didn’t expect them to do this as 60-80yo’s, but no issue for 30-50yo’s.

HoppingPavlova · 30/10/2023 06:49

Should add my mum used to come and stay a week each year, as her trip was several hours each way on a plane. So obviously that drive/boat ride not doable no matter what your age!

Sexnotgender · 30/10/2023 06:51

He’s not in charge, it’s not an unreasonable request. He sounds awful, is he like this about other issues?

Morechocmorechoc · 30/10/2023 06:58

Your response shoukd be that him leaving for 7 days is great, you'll invite them for longer then. He sounds mean to generous people. Be careful he doesn't isolate you. Personally I'd be thinking twice about my relationship

TheMamaYo · 30/10/2023 07:00

If your husband threatens to leave for 7 days, dear heavens! Have your parents over for 7 days. That’s disgusting behaviour on his part.

They are your parents. And a 7 hour drive… Do better OP.

anyolddinosaur · 30/10/2023 07:02

Long journeys for a short stay are fine when you are young, not when you are older.

This is a controlling bully, showing you the red flags now. He will get worse if you have children. Keep the parents, ditch the husband.

merrymelodies · 30/10/2023 07:07

This is YOUR home, too! And dammit, if you want your parents to stay with you there, that is your choice and your right. Marriage is all about compromise; it's certainly not a bloody dictatorship where one partner calls the shots! If your husband has a problem with your parents, he should talk to them about it and find a resolution. If he can't do that for your sake, then he should stay elsewhere.

Freysimo · 30/10/2023 07:12

My husband used to LOVE my parents coming to stay. DH hopeless at DIY and dad could do all that. Plus, we were able to have a few nights out as mum and dad babysat. Parents are gone now, but I'm so grateful for all they did for us.

LividHol · 30/10/2023 07:16

Hi @Martacus
I’ve also broken protocol and looked at your previous posts.
You have been unhappy for a while and asking about leaving.
Your parents otoh sound kind and supportive. He is kicking off because he’ll have to either act nice or the true state of your relationship will be revealed.
Lay it out for us. You need to leave him. Who owns what, where can you go, and can your parents take you back home for a while?
I’m sorry your previous posts about wanting to leave and not knowing how didn’t get many replies.
I think you need to tell your dad. He sounds like he’d help you.

Startagainjanuary · 30/10/2023 07:16

He is being unreasonable and over dramatic for saying to you don’t mention it again, you are torturing him and he will leave. He sounds like a delightful man.

Honestly, if I were you I would book an expensive Hotel for the Thursday night for you and your parents and leave him at home alone until Friday night. I would be 100% honest with my parents and not make a big deal of it.

Think long and hard if this is the man you choose to father children with because how he reacts this weekend is a precursor to conflict resolution in your future.

I have just read above that in previous posts you have said you want to leave him? It is obvious now why he only wants your parents to come on Friday night he does not want you alone with them for prolonged periods of time in case you open up about not being happy. If you want to leave him let your parents know they will support you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/10/2023 07:17

At DH.

I've considered your objections to my parents visiting for more than two nights and I don't think you are being reasonable. It's a 14 hr round trip so we can't see them very often and I would appreciate the chance to catch up and spend some time with them.

Dh - huff and puff

If you feel that a visit is so unbearable for you you are quite welcome to find a hotel/go away for the weekend . I repeat, your stance is quite unreasonable particularly given the level of support we have had from them. (That will give me a chance to discuss our pending divorce with my parents)

DH - hard look - look forward to the silent treatment (before and after but as nice as sickly pie while your parents are around.

He sounds like a dick, and from other comments from posters, this is not the first time.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/10/2023 07:21

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Say thanks. That will be great, they can stay even longer then.

CwmYoy · 30/10/2023 07:41

Do you really want to stay with this bully?

Changeling78 · 30/10/2023 07:42

He’s acting like a spoiled child. You want an extra day, not a whole week! If it causes a row then it causes a row, do not back down or it’ll set a precedent to how your relationship will go.

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