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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 30/10/2023 07:43

@Martacus

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

If he threatens to leave the house for seven days let him, and invite your lovely sounding parents for a longer, relaxing stay. What a rude and ungrateful person he is, especially with all the help they've given. 🌹

Hotchocolatemousse · 30/10/2023 07:45

Tell him that he can have his way re weekend only visit as long as he returns all the money that he's taken off them to buy the house that he's living in.

The scamming bastard, I hate people like this. Always front of the queue with their hands out but won't give anything back in return.

OP from now on, don't accept any money from your parents as it'll be a waste. Ask them to invest it on your behalf in case you need it post divorce.

Ollifer · 30/10/2023 07:46

Londonandon · 30/10/2023 00:00

Coming to stay for a weekend means two nights, not four.

Could you compromise on having them to stay for three nights?

Who gives a shit? She wants to offer them four nights, they are her own parents, her own home, why does she have to compromise it's hardly having guests over for six weeks is it? My ex's in-laws used to be on my sofa for up to 2 weeks at a time sometimes, I found it a royal pain in the arse but I never said that and welcomed them and did it because I'm not a total arse and if my parents were still here I'd also love to have them come to stay.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/10/2023 07:47

Whether he likes his own space or not why does he not want to please you or show gratitude to your ils? You haven't seen them for ages so this isn't a regular occurrence. He seems to have no respect for anyone but himself.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/10/2023 07:48

He is going to make any weekend they stay awful. Keep that in mind.

fourelementary · 30/10/2023 07:49

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

I’d offer to pack his bags! What a prick.

WednesdaysChild50 · 30/10/2023 07:49

What a controlling prick but you know that already. Are you starting proceedings or just putting up with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hotchocolatemousse · 30/10/2023 07:51

He is isolating you from your family, that's one of the classic signs of an abuser. He'll pick a fight when he doesn't get his own way so you'll give in for a quiet life. Don't have children with this man because it'll get worse.

WednesdaysChild50 · 30/10/2023 07:51

Ponderingwindow · 30/10/2023 01:37

you aren’t asking for 3 days, you are asking for 5. Thursday-Monday is 5 days. It doesn’t matter if they arrive late and leave early on those days, those days still count as part of the disruption to the household and lack of privacy.

if that is the time you want, that is one thing, but don’t pretend it’s just a weekend visit. It makes it seem like you don’t have any respect for other people.

Be honest about what you are asking. Perhaps ending the trip on Sunday would make the Thursday arrival more palatable because there will be no houseguests going in to the work week. Having Sunday evening to recover can be very important.

Seriously ffs are you having a laugh

WickedSerious · 30/10/2023 08:00

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

Tell him to pack plenty of clean drawers in case he decides to extend his strop.

GuitarGeorgina · 30/10/2023 08:01

He sounds really awful. So many red flags here.

I wonder if your parents have called him out on his behaviour in the past?

please don’t back down to keep him happy, and don’t have any children with him (if you haven’t already). This will only get worse. a bit of me hopes your parents will take you back with them.

Woollymonster · 30/10/2023 08:08

Gosh, if I drove for 7 hours I’d need the next day to recover! Your husband is being totally unreasonable OP.

obladeeobladah · 30/10/2023 08:12

OP I think you are probably feeling a little overwhelmed at some of the responses you have had here

The thing is, many PPs will recognise such behaviour in their own early relationships. Relationships that turned out to be controlling but that also got worse over time. You haven't even got DC yet. Your parents sound lovely and will want to be involved when you do. They have helped you out financially to get you where you are, they have tried to help with your wedding, they have put you up for a year and yet in return your husband can't give them a three day weekend? Imagine if you have postnatal depression and want your mums help and he says no way to them staying? You need to put your foot down on this one or he will believe he has the right to veto their coming and that will spiral into other controlling behvours too. If you challenge the early red flag behaviours then you may well prevent an unhealthy balance of power in the relationship in the future.

He isn't going to leave you for 7 days over this. He is going to bang his pans and make a fuss but you have to stand firm or he will do more and worse in the future. So many men are used to getting their own way as they have been facilitated through life by their mothers that they think that wives should do the same but you have to show him that's not how it will be with you

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 08:15

OP, you have married a controlling abusive man who is showing his true self.

Not at all surprised that he has moved you 7 hours away from family.

He always would have found fault with your parents because he wants to isolate you, as he is now doing.

Your life is going to get a lot worse.

I cannot believe you can't see it.

You need to ring Women's aid and ask for advice.

His threatening to leave for 7 days is him upping the anty to get you back in control.

You clearly have NO idea who you married and NO idea what you are dealing with.

This is not normal at all.

This is what abusive men do when they don't get their way.

Was that money protected.?

Do not have children with him because you will see his real self fully revealed when you get pregnant and he thinks is stuck 7 hours from help.

Take this very very seriously, you have made a huge mistake.

This is not a good man.

He is threatening you.

Tske this very seriously.

BeavisMcTavish · 30/10/2023 08:17

Canisaysomething · 30/10/2023 03:01

He sounds very controlling.

Yawn. Now imagine

”my mates are having a hard time so whilst they don’t HAVE to come to our house for 5 days, they quite fancy it, and so do I so enjoy the hotel you’re going to fuck off to as I don’t need your permission”.

neither party have the right to inflict on the other - it’s a joint space and if you don’t joint agree something you don’t do it. That means BOTH hold the power.

Typical MN.

Amaya4 · 30/10/2023 08:17

You must know this is not normal - you are in an abusive marriage and need to find a way to leave.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/10/2023 08:19

He'll make the weekend poisonous if you just go ahead through. Just warn your parents.

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 08:20

I think you should run for the hills. You husband is a controlling manchild and will only get worse. He won't be happy until you never see your parents.

Noicant · 30/10/2023 08:20

Honestly you can’t possibly be happy with such a person.

billy1966 · 30/10/2023 08:22

LividHol · 30/10/2023 07:16

Hi @Martacus
I’ve also broken protocol and looked at your previous posts.
You have been unhappy for a while and asking about leaving.
Your parents otoh sound kind and supportive. He is kicking off because he’ll have to either act nice or the true state of your relationship will be revealed.
Lay it out for us. You need to leave him. Who owns what, where can you go, and can your parents take you back home for a while?
I’m sorry your previous posts about wanting to leave and not knowing how didn’t get many replies.
I think you need to tell your dad. He sounds like he’d help you.

Tell your parents the absolute truth.

You need legal advice.

He doesn't want you having much time with them.

Tell him it is a good idea that he leaves for a week.

Gather all paperwork together.

Listen to your gut and ask your parents to stay for a week and plan on getting organised to leave.

This is a bad man.

I would expect him to threaten self harm or suicide as abusers do.

Ring the police and tell them your abusive husband is threatening to self harm.
They are well used to the tactics of scum like him.

He will get very nasty so be prepared.
This doesn't have to be your future.

Thank god you haven't had children.

Sugarfree23 · 30/10/2023 08:23

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 30/10/2023 08:19

He'll make the weekend poisonous if you just go ahead through. Just warn your parents.

If he makes it poisonous for her parents they will see his true colours. If they haven't already.
If she says anything before they come depending on personalities they could do fuck it we are staying 4 nights or oh shit don't want to make life hard for DD so comply cutting their stay short and it's already a very short stay for a 7hr drive

Princessfluffy · 30/10/2023 08:25

DH needs to explain why this is such a big deal for him. If he can't or won't explain this doesn't bode well at all for your relationship and I would book in with relate.

Maray1967 · 30/10/2023 08:26

Martacus · 29/10/2023 23:49

Thanks all.

He was telling me tonight that I was being 'a torture' for trying to get him to agree to my parents staying Thursday evening - Monday morning.

Thanks for the advice that I should just tell him it's happening. I'll do that tomorrow evening, and brace myself for a row (he said tonight that he'd leave the house for 7 days if I offered my parents Thurs - Mon, but I don't think he'll actually follow that through).

I’d call his bluff. Will it be a huge issue if he does disappear?
Both sets of parents can stay 3 or 4 nights here. None drive in the dark and we would never expect them to set off in the evening even if light. They live 90 minutes away. If yours live a whole day’s drive away and presumably don’t visit often, then three full days seems fine.

Burnoutwhat · 30/10/2023 08:29

Your husband sounds fucking awful and controlling. I can't believe he is only like this in respect to your parents visiting. I'd be making plans to get out. Sorry op.

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