Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

You deserve so much better than a shit man whose goal in life is to annoy you.

That's no way to live.

He did it 'to annoy you'. That is the action of someone seeking to provoke a reaction, testing boundaries, seeing how far they can oush you, how much you will suck up. My DD, who is 16, does it: you expect it of a teenager. It's a rite of passage. You do not expect it of a husband.

You are wasting time analysing why he behaves as he does. The impact on you - and frankly those who do genuinely love you, unconditionally, your parents

• from this behaviour should be sufficient to call it a day.

Are you confident there is not an OW? Could he be pushing you into calling it a day?

So what are you going to do? He's made it clear that he not only feels no need to compromise or adapt for your preferences, he actively LIKES that he is making you unhappy. YOu've written him a letter and that had Zero impact. So what next?

He's making it as clear as it's possible to be that he will not change. So either accept it, or move on because this is ridiculous now.

You don't mention kids @Martacus , are you relatively recently married? You say he was never like this before you got married.

These to me are shrieking controlling/abusive. He is gently ramping up behaviour, he is being petty and mean deliberately to annoy you, he is hurting your parents to humiliate and upset you and then going on charm offensive to win them back around. wonder if he let slip anything to put you in a bad light/Undermine you with them.

This is only the beginning. You should have taken him up on his offer to fuck off leave the house for 7 days - as if that is in any way a punishment... I dare say you breath easier when he isn't there.

Put your foot down. This IS the hill to die on. Tell him that your parents housed him RENT FREE for a YEAR, so they want to stay 4 days or even 5, they will. If he has an issue with that, HE can go stay somewhere else.

Seriously, I don't think you should stay with this man. You need to get them ducks to form an orderly line and move on. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM, he will absolutely ramp up his control even further and trap you.

Soon....when are you leaving.?

You've done nothing to rectify the situation from you end since you first posted. Your parents came and felt like they had to 'earn' their stay by being useful instead of just relaxing and enjoying your company. How horrid for them.

Do you have kids? If not get out. If you do still get out because this won't be the first thing he now pushes you on and you've let it happen this time so expect more of the same.

I also would consider OW prospect like PP have said. The abuse is starting get out whilst you can think straight

Your husband is your enemy.

He’s telling you that what he wants comes first. He’s telling you that he enjoys annoying you. This is narcissistic behaviour. Whether or not this makes him a narcissist is immaterial.

He didn’t show this behaviour before you married because it’s what abusive people do, they hide it until you are ensnared. If you allow him to treat you like this, it’s not going to get better. Accepting this treatment will be a green light for him to become increasingly abusive.

It sounds as if he’s attempting to alienate you from your parents. This is only step one and if you’re contemplating having children with him, please don’t. You’ll be trapped then and you think his behaviour is bad now, it will get a heck of a lot worse. And you’ll be tied to him forever.

Edit - posted too soon. Please leave him before he wears you down and makes you think you’re the problem, not him.

Here, have my first LTB.

Make an exit plan, OP. You sound lovely. You do not deserve this.

If someone does things to purposefully annoy you, it means they enjoy you being unhappy. Let that sink in. Do not spend the rest of your life with someone who enjoys you being unhappy.

This is a form of coercive control, you know that don’t you?

I really hope you leave him, OP. Believe me, your parents know they are unwelcome in your home, they aren't stupid. It must be clear to them that you have to dance round his permission for them to even come and visit - and they are barely tolerated when they do.

We have this with one of our DC. It makes us really uncomfortable, and we've stopped going to see them. We fear that they endure days or weeks of unpleasantness or verbal abuse/silent treatment if we ask to visit. They barely visit us, and it is a flying visit every time (stop one night only) and rush back home with excuses. It's been made clear that none of their siblings are welcome to visit them either.

This is only since they moved in with their partner. It's clear whose decision it is.

I remember writing my ex a letter too. It made no difference in the long run although initially he said he had taken everything on board. I would like to recommend this book - it really helped me understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy behaviour

https://read.amazon.co.uk/sample/B077SFQWZ2?f=1&l=en_GB&r=c00c4d3f&rid=31QXX04PP13GQDVDEHGF&sid=261-1736411-4211843&cid=A19WE932ZK0B04&ref_=litb_m

It really helped me sort things out in my head. The writer talks about how if you have to sit down and explain to someone how hurtful their hurtful behaviour is, then that is such a bad sign. A decent person shouldn't have to have things explained to them let alone have a letter written to them.

He's turning it around so that you're trained not to comment on his bad behaviour for fear of picking nits

This sounds like my ex - total refusal to engage with any talk of my feelings or needs and would immediately accuse me of not caring about his if I raised them.
Op all I can say is please don't have his baby you are mid 30s you can leave him and find someone else if you want a baby or do it alone it much better than with someone who controls and bullies you

OP, please listen to what everyone is telling you. This man is disgusting and cruel ON PURPOSE.

Other posters have mentioned this but please read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?'. I used to keep a copy at work to stay safe.

This book was pivotal for me when I was in an abusive relationship. It forced me to realise that things weren't ever going to change. I could spend hours analysing my partner and thinking of ways I could try to make things better. However, it's not external influences that causes a man to be mean and abusive. It's the fundamental value system he holds about women. For that reason, it is almost impossible for an abusive man to change. They think it's ok to behave like that. That's why your husband isn't sorry!!

If you have a child with him, the abuse will ramp up. It did for me. And you will feel stuck because you have a child and you want to make it work. But your child is being exposed to this awful and dysfunctional model of a relationship. Eventually you have no choice but to leave because you will see the impact on your poor child. Now I have to live with only seeing my child half of the time and having to co-parent with an abuser. And the abuse continues but in a different way.

Get out whilst you can. There are some amazing men out there who will treat you with respect, care and kindness.