Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

[Martacus]

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

Op what is holding you there?

Obviously you jointly own the house so it's not quite so easy as walking out at the end of a tenancy.

And we all know controlling men can become dangerous when their control starts to slip. So asking for divorce won't be easy.

I think you need some real life help either friends or family or Womans Aid to get out of the situation.

@Martacus Apologies if you have answered this previously - I first started reading your thread back in October. How long had you known DH before you got married: you say you would have had no idea he could behave like this. Were there no signs at all of controlling tendencies? And what was the year like spent living with your DPs? Was he respectful to them (and you) throughout? Has this 'my way or the highway' attitude really sprung from nowhere or were the seeds beginning to germinate back then?

Two reasons. Firstly he’s a manipulative, controlling arsehole. Secondly because he can get away with it. When are you planning to leave? Because that’s the only way your life will improve

@Martacus I'm afraid you're missing the point here - but @BIossomtoes has it correct. Others have said similar things too.

TL:DR - OP your 'D'H is behaving abusively towards you, and you're excusing him because you're a decent person hopeful of change. But he won't change because why should he when all he has to do is say 'jump', and you just ask 'how high?'.

Long version: You are being too nice, OP. I don't often read a thread and think 'LTB', but sadly I think this is exactly what you need to do.

Your 'D'H doesn't respect you or your feelings. You are seeking to find ways of managing the results of situation that have come about purely because of his abusive controlling behaviour towards you.

Your parents - I absolutely promise you, though they won't say it out loud - can see exactly how badly you're being treated.

OP, can't you see that no matter what you do or say, if you say you want 'A', he will find a reason why 'B' is the only option. You then tie yourself in knots trying to accommodate 'B', but as soon as you say or do something that starts to take your H's control away from the 'B' situation, he immediately finds a reason why, now, neither 'A' nor 'B' is convenient for him, and now he wants 'C' instead.

So you tie yourself in knots trying to make 'C' work, but as soon as... well, I hope you get the point OP. Your husband sounds like a horrible man, truly horrible. And yes, he managed to hide it for a long time to draw you in, but now he's so confident in his control of you (and you've shown him you're willing to be controlled by always excusing his shitty behaviours) that he doesn't bother to pretend any longer. Why should he? You give in, he gaslights you, you think it's your problem to solve, and he goes on his merry way doing what the hell he wants while stopping you having quality time with your parents.

OP, please find some self-respect and build a better life for yourself. See your parents when you want, invite them to stay with you when you want, and break free of the controlling arsehole you've realised you're married to.

We only have one life, and you're so young - and probably still optimistic this can be put right. But I'm twice your age, roughly, and seen enough of life to know he won't change. I've seen too many friends hang on in there, hoping, as you are, OP, that they can find a way to 'make it better', but realising eventually they've wasted some of the best years of their life because the only person who can change this situation for the better is your husband.

And. He. Doesn't. Want. To. Do. That.

Find your courage and your anger, OP, and use them, because you deserve better.

I realise that the thread has fully settled on him being an unredeemable controlling abusive bastard etc, but OP asked why he might be like this and personally I can sympathise with his position.

If it were me, the reason is that I simply don't like being around my in-laws because I have to be 'on' the whole time. They are nice people, and we get along fine, but I cannot relax around them the way my DH can. I know that DH wants to see them and they want to see him/us, so I can put up with it every now and then. But a four day visit would really stretch my limits.

I also would not want to deal with them on weeknights, which might be his objection to the Thursday/Friday dates. When I get home after work, it's my time to veg out on the sofa and stare at my phone for a couple of hours, not make small talk with someone else's parents.

And the frequency of the visits would also bother me. You both went to see them at Christmas, and then you're already booking dates for them to see you in January. How often do you imagine these visits happening? Personally if my DH expected his parents to stay for a whole weekend, I would only be happy with that happening once or twice a year.

So maybe that is his reasoning, I don't know. It isn't like he has objected to them ever visiting, he offered dates and lengths he could do but it isn't enough for you. Perhaps he would be more comfortable with longer visits if they stayed in a B&B nearby, that would certainly help me.

OP, I don't like overnight visitors so I sympathise entirely with that point of view, but I do not at all sympathise with your husband's behaviour. He is completely unreasonable.

My in-laws visit a couple of times a year for a few nights, I don't enjoy it but I would not in a million years cancel an already arranged visit, be difficult about dates or refuse to 'allow' more than a two night stay. Your husband is behaving like he is the boss, his word is law, and you are allowed no say. As another poster said, your parents are well aware of what he is like and they are treading carefully.

You have posted a couple of previous threads about wanting to leave the relationship. I hope you are ready to take that step.

But his parents came and stayed for a whole week.
How is that fair?

I wouldn't be trying to analyse your DH any further. I think you need to be analysing yourself. You need to think about why you can't advocate for yourself and why you don't like or respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself and change what is making you unhappy.

I’m not mad keen on visitors staying a long time but three days with your wife’s parents is nothing, especially where you have permission to absent yourself and they’ve done so much for you.

I don’t think there’s much point trying to understand as by emailing them to put them off behind your back, he has shown that he thinks he calls the shots, that he must win at all costs, that he is willing to humiliate you. He’s showing you that he sets the law and he doesn’t need to provide you with reasons IMO. Nasty and spiteful behaviour.

Yes, spot on, I think.

Posters saying they don't like overnight guests are spectacularly missing the point here. Not sure I feel inclined to rehearse the insidious behaviour exhibited by her husband - it's all there in her posts if you read them from the beginning.

It has crossed my mind that these posts may just be a prolonged wind up, and I almost hope they are. But assuming they're real then this very naive poster is disinclined to face the truth. Her responses are frustrating and superficial.

Morning Op,

I hope you are ok.

I know how long it can take to find the courage and anger to leave an unhappy relationship. So you have my utmost support as you take your time to process these events.

Like you, l put so much energy into trying to 'understand' why my ex H behaved the way he did and trying to find a way to make him understand.

It's so hard, when you have those strong memories of the man you fell in love with and the reality of your marriage now to reconcile the two conflicting components.

What really helped me was finding an excellent counsellor who helped me unpick things and who made me focus on myself rather than analysing someone else.

Don't attempt joint counselling though - you need something just for you.

You are in cognitive dissonance at the moment but things will become clearer. Being able to disagree but see each other's point of view is vital in a marriage and he just doesn't have the capacity to do this.

For me the worst thing is him going behind your back to cancel the visit - it really shows how he views himself - in charge!

Your husband is not viewing your family and marriage as being part of a team.

And if he is not doing that at the beginning of your marriage, then he will never do it.

This is who he is.

Dont waste any more of your life on him.
Dont worry about what people will say.
Dont worry about the money you spent on the wedding.

Its in your financial interest to end this marriage quickly.
The quicker you end this, the quicker you can start a new happy life.

Now that we're halfway through Feb, I know that his reasons were non-existent because he is not busy

Did you point this out to him? It's blatantly obvious that he is doing whatever he can to minimise their visits, including being prepared to lie.

He's controlling - and continues because you tolerate it.

IF you stay he'll go on doing it and it will get worse if you have a child with him.

You need the freedom programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Hi @SoleTrader , just to clarify - his parents stayed for a weekend (Friday evening till Monday morning). If my husband had wanted them to stay for longer, that would have been totally fine. (I just would have worked from home in my study, or gone into the office).

I had wanted my parents to stay Thursday - Monday, because of their long journey.

I'm interested that you talk about narcissism, @MsDogLady .

I think my husband can be very selfish and unreasonable. But isn't actual narcissism a very rare thing?

Does it matter WHY he does what he does?

Could be narcissism or old fashioned misogyny.

someone on another thread posted about narcissism recently and made an interesting point.

5% of population are narcissists- it’s rare, but then an estimated 3% of population are gay. So it’s not that unusual!

Thanks @Whatdirection for your posts. Your description of your experience with your exH sounds exactly like mine in many ways.

You ask if he has the capacity to reflect and modify his approach.

I recently wrote him a letter in the hope that he might do this, and realise that he was being unreasonable (sometimes a letter can help to clearly get a message across). I explained that I was upset that he didn't agree to my parents staying an extra day, when they had a long drive and it was important to me to see them. And that I was also troubled that he refused to be flexible on the weekend that they could visit, for no good reason. I said I had found his attitude deeply unreasonable, and that he had been dismissive about things which were important to me.

But he wasn't sorry at all. He said I needed to compromise, that I 'forced' my parents' visit on him (which is not true - i had asked him, before we started arguing about the extra day). He said I was thinking about what I wanted, and not what he wanted - saying that I needed to put his needs first and not make demands.

If he had been really sorry after the letter, it would still have been a bad situation, because there would be the question of why he was like that in the first place. But there would have been a bit of hope.

But he does not seem sorry at all.

Op you need to stop analysing him.
He doesn't care he got the result he wanted your parents to do the odd jobs then gtf on their way.

Start analysing you. Why are you putting up with him making your family so unwelcome?

Why are you giving him the right to have more say about what happens in the house than you?

Where is your line that cannot be crossed? Visit cut to one overnight for your poor parents? Two nights? Can you go to them next time?

What's making you want to stay? Financial security?
What happens in bed?
What's the hold he has over you?

I also meant to add that when I asked him why he was so inflexible about finding an alternative weekend that suited my parents, for no good reason at all, he said it was 'to annoy me'.

It seems an extreme way to annoy me, especially since I had asked him calmly about alternative weekends.

I don't know if your OH is a narcisist OP but he certainly sounds like an arse especially that 'to annoy me' comment! He sounds like a very selfish unfair man.

As I have mentioned upthread we are in a similar situation to you - parents have been very helpful to us and live about the same distance away - and we would never expect them to come for a short time precisely due to the drive especially at their ages. They come here at least a couple of times a year and always over Christmas for two-three weeks (and I stay with them for over a week). I don't ask permission from OH and he wouldn't dream of asking. Quite often he asks them "when are you coming?". It's both our home. His family now all live fairly close to us, so they don't need to stay, but if there was some reason (eg his mum had some disaster that meant moving out of her house for a time) that they needed to then I wouldn't expect to have to agree to allow it, I'd naturally just say "OK".

The hoops you seem to have to jump through with your OH sound odd and very unreasonable of him.

@Martacus book a week off and arrange to stay with your parents.
They will be happy and it will be interesting to see your dh’s response to your going away.
If he’s not bothered then he obviously doesn’t want people in his space.
If he tries to prevent you from staying with your parents then it’s a control issue.
You can work on the first but the second would be a dealbreaker imo.

Why are you so passive, @Martacus ?
Why do you accept this shit?
What do you get out of this relationship?
What's your long term?

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

@Martacus Three things stand out in this- his reply ‘I should put HIS WANTS FIRST and not make demands’, and the second, even worse - to annoy you’. Here’s the third thing - you are trying and hoping to get him to either explain his feelings or understand yours - but these two responses show very clearly that he doesn’t care about yours, if anything he is actually behaving this way to you because he can, and because he enjoys it. You cannot build a happy future with this man. He is not a team with you, he doesn’t see you as his equal and to be blunt - he doesn’t really like you very much, as his actions and his words show. You really need to extricate yourself because if you stay, he will make you utterly miserable.

@Martacus 'to annoy you'.
Do you really want to have a future with someone who wants to annoy you? Where is your anger that he tried to annoy you?

Op he's told you, he deblberately tries to annoy you, you need to listen. Thats abuse. He's getting kicks out of annoying you. Where is the love and cherish in that?

He's thinking nothing of controlling you, controlling your relationship with your parents, and if you ever have kids he'll think nothing of using them "to annoy you" too. He's getting kicks out of annoying you. THAT IS ABUSE!

Go to your parents for a week without him. Have some breathing space. And think very carefully about your future. I also think that should reach out to Womans Aid and ask for counselling sessions to figure out why you feel so passive about this.

It sounds like he has worn you down over time. Chipped away at your self-esteem, made you feel worthless, and certainly less valuable than him.

I bet he's pissed himself laughing that you wrote a letter to him. That is not normal, normal couples talk.

Relationships need to have some give and take both ways. Your doing all the giving he's doing all the taking. "To annoy you" thats abuse, and will only get worse.
How can you love and cherish someone who wants to annoy you?

You need breathing space at your parents and counselling.You can type away on MN but you need real life help, to be clear about your future.