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Original poster

Husband doesn't want my parents to stay longer than a weekend - it's a 7-hour drive for them

616 replies

Martacus · 29/10/2023 22:53

I'd appreciate some advice here as my husband thinks I'm being unreasonable.

My parents live a 7-hour drive away. We recently moved to a new house and they haven't seen it yet. I would like to have them to stay next month for a long weekend (3 full days). We have a large spare room with an ensuite for them to stay in. My dad is amazingly helpful with DIY and has offered to put up shelves, help sort the garden etc.

I would also like to see them to catch up, and for a bit longer than just a weekend since they're coming all the way. I haven't seen them much this year for various reasons.

I would like to have them here for a full day on the Friday (so arriving Thursday evening, leaving early Monday morning) and I would take a day of leave on the Friday and show them round the area.

But my husband says no - 'no way' can they come on the Thursday night, and if I bring it up again, he'll get very annoyed. He only wants them over the weekend.

He can just WFH/ go into the office on the Friday, so he wouldn't need to see them. I've also told him he can make some plans over the weekend if he wants some of his own space.

For context, my parents are kind and helpful people and they would like to see us in our new home.

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 03/03/2024 09:39

Excellent post from @Discointhekitchen

OP it feels like like you're looking for people to tell you why your husband's behaviour is OK. But it isn't. If this is how coldly he treats your lovely parents when they are helping you out financially and practically, how bad will it be when they are older and need help themselves? What if one of them eventually wants to come and live with you, or stay for longer periods? What if you have a baby and want them to come and stay so they can help you out and bond with their grandchild? Please rethink your relationship with this man.

NearlyMonday · 03/03/2024 14:59

I’m still a bit confused by some of the responses on this thread - when I posted recently about in-laws frequently inviting themselves to stay, and generally treating us like a hotel, posters were very supportive and told me to put my foot down.

GabriellaMontez · 03/03/2024 15:14

NearlyMonday · 03/03/2024 14:59

I’m still a bit confused by some of the responses on this thread - when I posted recently about in-laws frequently inviting themselves to stay, and generally treating us like a hotel, posters were very supportive and told me to put my foot down.

The op invited her parents to stay for 3 nights.

Last year, when she posted, she said

my husband has only seen my mum once this year, for a day (at a family wedding

When her parents did visit, they spent much of their time doing jobs around the house.

Now, I've not seen your thread. But on the face of it, it doesn't sound remotely similar.

iamnotgroot0 · 03/03/2024 22:46

Martacus · 03/03/2024 00:02

Hi @iamnotgroot0 , what are your wife's reasons?

Show quote history

Bit vague, she doesn’t entirely get on that well with them…they’re very different to her parents (who are more local) etc.

EarthaKittsVoice · 04/03/2024 10:59

Seriously. What the fuck do you want OP? Why are you analysing your husbands horrible behaviour? You know he doesn't care for your parents. You know his wants and needs come before yours.

You either continue to put up and shut up. Or you put yourself (and your parents) first and break free. The choice is yours.

Calllalllama · 04/03/2024 11:35

I feel like this has set a precident in your marriage.
You have now ceded control over how long and when your parents can come and see you.
You have ceded control of this and when you have children their access to their grandchildren in your home will have to be bargained over and begged for.

anyolddinosaur · 04/03/2024 12:06

Why do women stay with controlling, abusive men?

Do you have children - if not and you hope to do so get out now as the control will just get worse.

Original poster
Martacus · 06/03/2024 12:24

Thanks for the further comments.

There's no way I will accept my husband's attitude. I am particularly upset and angry that he wouldn't let them stay for more than 2 full days, after their very long drive, and when he could've just gone into his office anyway on the extra day. I am also upset that, several weeks later, he was very inflexible about the weekend they could come, with no good reason.

I don't understand why he would be so unreasonable? There seems to be no good reason, and he knows it upsets me.

Surely it has not been worth his bother to put his foot down like he has, given all the upset it has caused? Yet he still does it.

If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful.

It has really knocked me. Before we got married I had no idea he'd be like this.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 06/03/2024 13:01

If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful.

Two reasons. Firstly he’s a manipulative, controlling arsehole. Secondly because he can get away with it. When are you planning to leave? Because that’s the only way your life will improve.

Hopingitsahornyfinger · 06/03/2024 13:01

Because he's controlling & abusive & because he can. He wasn't like it when you got married as then you might not have married him but now he feels like he's got a hold over you.

You honestly need to leave before you have DCs as this will only get worse.

Sugarfree23 · 06/03/2024 13:04

Op if you'd stood firm and said Mum and Dad are staying for a week what would have happened?

goody2shooz · 06/03/2024 13:18

@Martacus why are you trying to understand his reasoning? His attitude really upsets you, it really upsets your parents. The reality is simple - he DOESNT CARE.
Thats what you know in your heart of hearts and it’s why it upsets you so much. So instead of trying to understand, decide what you want to do. It won’t be easy to make that decision because it will cause ructions with Mr Bossy. But look to the future - do you want this every time you want your parents to visit? What if you have a baby and need to have your mum to help in the first few days or weeks? If he refuses then, you also have a baby in the mix. This is the man you married revealing his true self.
I would leave, it doesn’t bode well.

RiderofRohan · 06/03/2024 15:50

OP, it's been mentioned many times that this man disrespects you and by extension your parents. And that's just a fact you're going to have to internalise and decide whether you can live with.

I definitely could not.

Lifeinlists · 06/03/2024 15:59

Honestly OP, you've had pages and pages of understanding, advice, thoughts, explanations and more, probably from people with quite a lot of life experience.

Are you waiting for a fairy godmother to float down and wave a magic wand and change your husband's behaviour and personality? Obviously not but you portray yourself as continually upset by him YET choose to do nothing. He isn't going to change so you either accept his coercive behaviour and do as your told, or you don't. But if you don't like it you'll have to do something more than repeating yourself on here.

If you want to know why he's like he is, try a psychologist because it could be for a whole list of reasons. But he's certainly twigged that you will do his bidding.

PaminaMozart · 06/03/2024 16:07

There's no way I will accept my husband's attitude.

And yet you acquiesced.

I don't understand why he would be so unreasonable? There seems to be no good reason, and he knows it upsets me. ... If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful.

23 pages of comments and you STILL dont understand?

Some useful resources for you:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
Divorce for Dummies
Wikivorce

NotLactoseFree · 06/03/2024 16:09

BIossomtoes · 06/03/2024 13:01

If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful.

Two reasons. Firstly he’s a manipulative, controlling arsehole. Secondly because he can get away with it. When are you planning to leave? Because that’s the only way your life will improve.

This. There is no "rational" reason. And the sooner you accept that, the sooner things are going to improve for you and the closer you will be to getting rid of this man child who controls your life, your housing, your social life, your clothing and your finances.

redfacebigdisgrace · 06/03/2024 19:57

@Martacus have you read peoples’ many responses to you? How can you ask why? It’s because he can. He likes to control you. He’s selfish and abusive. That’s why. Up to you if you can live like that. I couldn’t. He won’t change. Maybe you should explore counselling on your own.

redfacebigdisgrace · 06/03/2024 20:00

“There seems to be no good reason, and he knows it upsets me. ... If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful. - in a nutshell because he doesn’t care about your feelings. I am very sorry for you but the sooner you realise this the better. He is not on your team.

MsDogLady · 07/03/2024 00:55

@Martacus, back in October I wrote several postings (pp. 5, 10, 18) after reading this thread and several of your others, in which you detailed your H’s abusive behavior and your thoughts of leaving him.

I and so many concerned posters have already advised that he is a narcissistic, mean-spirited man who enjoys controlling and destabilizing you. Being cruel to you and your parents is gratifying to him. His wants are primary, and he expects compliance and service from you. He couldn’t care less about your feelings or boundaries.

You have seriously considered leaving him several times due to his verbal (shouting at you), emotional, and financial abuse. You haven’t followed through for fear of being alone and an unknown future.

You cannot reason with an egocentric, coercive narcissist, @Martacus. There lies madness because they enjoy creating upset, confusion and torment. Any intermittent periods of stability are not to be trusted, as these are part of the destructive ‘cycle of abuse.’

With respect, you are claiming that There’s no way I will accept my husband’s attitude, but you have and are. His abuse is nothing new. This particular sickening episode began in October, and his meanness and lack of empathy regarding your parents reigned supreme all the way through their visit in February. He controlled the narrative and sabotaged your efforts, and your parents were brutalized with exhaustion because of him. He is still acting like a jackass about it.

@Martacus, please stop analyzing this nasty piece of work and get out asap. If you don’t, you can expect to eventually become diminished beyond recognition.

Guavafish1 · 07/03/2024 03:26

Your husband sounds horrible and spiteful.

Tourmalines · 07/03/2024 03:56

I would rather live alone than live with a control freak like him . I’d be having none of that .

Autienotnautie · 07/03/2024 04:39

I would not be dictated to like this. You are entitled to have guests especially your parents and yes three days is the absolute minimum for a journey like that. He could have gone out if he wanted space or not attended some stuff.

I feel so sorry for your parents having to tip toe around this man. I wonder what they really think of him?

Is this really what you want, a man who doesn't take your feelings into account and is prepared to hurt your parents feelings?

Do you plan to have children? Would you be happy for your children's lives to be dictated by this man, he chooses discipline, parenting styles, who spends time with them?

I'd get out now op

Mrstwiddle · 07/03/2024 05:31

He sounds like a real,piece of work.

If a partner came between my parents and I (for absolutely no reason) then he would be gone.

DogPaulAnka · 07/03/2024 06:09

Martacus · 06/03/2024 12:24

Thanks for the further comments.

There's no way I will accept my husband's attitude. I am particularly upset and angry that he wouldn't let them stay for more than 2 full days, after their very long drive, and when he could've just gone into his office anyway on the extra day. I am also upset that, several weeks later, he was very inflexible about the weekend they could come, with no good reason.

I don't understand why he would be so unreasonable? There seems to be no good reason, and he knows it upsets me.

Surely it has not been worth his bother to put his foot down like he has, given all the upset it has caused? Yet he still does it.

If anyone could shed any light on why someone might be like this, I'd be grateful.

It has really knocked me. Before we got married I had no idea he'd be like this.

Edited

You are accepting it 🤷‍♀️

He is being unreasonable because in his head you are not an equal person to him. What he wants is far more important. If he behaves in an unreasonable way you might get a little upset and then you’ll carry on as normal. So why wouldn’t he? He’s getting away with it. Lundy Bancrofts book is really good at explaining abusive men.

i would bet that your parents are well aware of this and are being careful in how they respond.

Men like this often don’t show this side of themselves until you’re married/have kids/are “trapped”.

It sounds like you are looking for a reason to justify leaving. His behaviour is a reason. You not being happy is a reason. You will never find a reason that he will accept as a good one. You are worth so much more and I hope you see that. Best of luck OP.

Zanina · 07/03/2024 07:23

You should never waste your time trying to understand or reason with a narcissist. You do everything you can to get away because they will drown you until they discard you.